is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

Oops I can relate to that! I used to also chuck the receipts in the bin too before I got home.

Oh and I used to bury bottles in the garden. The only person who could go to water the plants and come back in pissed.

Enidcoleslaw - your vigilance with alcohol is great, and a good reminder to be aware. I have become very lax about associations and I, probably foolishly, feel 'safe'. I buy wine for friends coming over, drink the very occasional Becks Blue, even slosh some in DP's bolognese. As I think I mentioned earlier, alcohol has become like meat for me, I don't eat it, it's not for my consumption, non-food, but I'm also aware that eating meat wouldn't 't have the same devastating effect on my life that booze has. So thank you for that.

It's 3 years sober for me this month. Life can be shit, it's often boring, but one thing it isn't any longer is shameful, secret and very scary.

Goodnight all,

GE

Has anyone seen the film "The Lost weekend" ? its about someone in the grip of this madness. Its in black and white and was made in the 1940's but, for me, it brilliantly illuminates the madness and despair of where drinking can take you....the opening scene had me identifying with it.

he Lost Weekend is a 1945 American drama film directed by Billy Wilder and starring Ray Milland and Jane Wyman. The film was based on Charles R. Jackson's 1944 novel of the same title about an alcoholic writer. The film was nominated for seven Academy Awards and won four: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay).

To everyone struggling tonight, just hold on even if its for the next few minutes...and then another few and then another. If you can manage to get through till tomorrow you will feel so much better, we are all rooting for us all...and it does get easier.

lots love, xx

Yay!! well done Glowing Embers, three years, fabulous, xxx

Morning all - Broken film wasn't great-
Monday again :(. But I am happy and sober - bring on the week :)

Still cold ! Driving dh mad moaning about it They had better fix it today! So glad people are reading 'My Name is..' On the back of that i read his first book 'All in the mind'. That was really good too.

So, today I have a busy day -a new member of staff starting - luckily someone we already know so should be good, lots of paperwork, stuff... It's great to wake up on a Monday feeling well . Have a good day everyone

Gosh, I hope you can get your heating fixed mrssippie, its got colder over the last few days, which I'm sure I don't need to tell you!!
Well, I have made the first weekend intact, I'm so pleased. What a difference, my dd got up at 6 this morning, I would usually have been cussing under my breath, stinking of stale alcohol and lying on the sofa with my eyes shut until a more reasonable time. This morning I have sprung out of bed and got lots of jobs done :)

I have noticed how ingrained it is in me though this weekend, myself and dh have been stressed about the situation with our house, its complicated but we might have had to move and give it up, the stress made me want to drink. Then we had some wonderful news yesterday which means we can keep our house, the usual thing to do would be crack open a bottle. Drink when you are down, drink when you are up. WTF!!!!!!!!!

Morning all and thanks for all the welcomes. Really appreciated.

This morning has been utter shit :( and it's not even 9.30 yet. Slept so badly last night, couldn't get to sleep and then woke up a million times. Dh buggered off to work as usual and left me to get children up and dressed and off to school and nursery, both being impossible. DS insisted on dressing himself and then wailing in frustration but not letting me help. I was so tired and so stressed and so not wanting to go to work that I ended up totally losing it - sobbing and kicking doors

The worst is that DS was then all quiet and subdued and brought me a bear to cuddle. I couldn't stop crying all the way to his nursery (on the tram!).

Made it to work but am now hiding in a toilet on my iPhone trying to pull self together :( What the feck is wrong with me? Is this booze-related? I'm not even pms-ing. Just want to curl up somewhere and sob.

Really feeling overwhelmed and not sure how to get through the day. Can't stay in the loo ALL day :(

well done olive and fiddle and sippie and everyone else who got through the weekend alcohol free. I did too and feel really proud of myself - day 14 today :-)

and special congrats to Glowingembers THREE years is brilliant

I can really relate to the 'life is boring etc but not secret, shameful and scary' . This morning I was looking at my diary. Since Jan this year I have been keeping a record of the days I have not drunk. One 4 days stretch - (beginning of Jan) and couple of three days etc. Rarely more than one AF free day a week. And often none at all. Its struck me how stressful it all was. How hard to make that decision NOT to drink for one bloody night. Hug internal battle and then relief when I managed it - and could drink again the next day .... except I know, inside that I should NOT drink the next day. And so the merry go round started again. It I hard not drinking at all, but it has removed the element of anguish and choice every day.

When I look at May BH, when DH (older) kids came over and I was wasted, I feel covered in shame. I have discussed this with him and he doesn't remember me being particularly bad - but I know I was.

difficult day week coming up - but at least I am sober, and feel physically better anyway !

you are all great and I'm so grateful for this thread

Sorcha x

Oh mum it sounds like you really are struggling - don't want to sound trite but perhaps take the day off and go and see your doctor? You obviously feel very sad about a lot of things :( It probably is booze related a bit, I know that when I stop after a binge or a long time of just drinking regularly, the come down has been hideous (usually around the third day). I hope you begin to feel better. I feel a bit helpless for you, but thinking of you x

muminboots I sympathise - sorry today is so hard.

Can you tell someone you are ill ? You ARE ill you know and you need to take care of yourself. Can you go home and go back to bed ? eat nice things and watch shit TV

I felt truly physically and emotionally dreadful for the first 7 days. Headache, fluey, emotional and vulnerable. I'm lucky than a) I was on holiday from work and b) my DH sounds more supportive.

how old are you kids ? Can anyone come and help you later ??

hand holding muminboots . It does get better xxxx

Not great, thanks, but not awful either. You? x

Hi - can I join? day one today...

muminboots, I have been you. I feel your pain.
I think you should tell someone you are ill and go home. Stop beating yourself up about losing it. And go and take care of yourself.

I am off sick today. I am trying not to feel guilty about this decision. I have been to work often in much worse states: I have a pretty bad cold, that's all. And I will be working mostly today anyway as I have tons to do.

BUT I was SO STRESSED about this week and next weekend. I have someone shadowing me at work, including travel - my train journey is my only time alone. And next weekend we are all off to this family thing which will be... an onslaught. And the weekend just been, dd2 was sick, in my bed, vomitting literally on me, night after night and I feel absolutely suffocated with people needing me and trying to be nice. Astonishingly I have been nice mostly but really I am at the end and I couldn't face a Monday of being nice to a clueless young person...

Anyway what I am getting at is that I have very recently decided that I am old enough and experienced to know what I can do, what I can't, take what I need and pay for it later. being off sick is not a great look and in general I am sick too often. But you know I do have health issues, I do push myself. I am honestly often at breaking point, and who does that serve? Not my children and not my work. Yes this is more of a strategic sick day than day of full physical incapacitation. But if in doubt, I remind myself of the day I got taken into a meeting room and couldn't stop crying even for 2 minutes, and eventually got sent home for 2 weeks.

So, muminboots, you sound absolutely beyond it and as soon as you can stop crying long enough to come out, I think you need to go straight to the office of someone senior enough to take the message and just say "I need to go home, I am not well. I need to leave immediately". If you end up crying again, so what. Just go.

If you then spend the whole day crying in bed, imho that would be good for you.

If you are worried about repercussions see the GP. See the GP anyway, maybe?

I really feel for you. I can't tell you how much I feel for you.

day 7 here. Feeling fine, apart from the stinking cold. Last night I had a strange sense of ... protection, of being protected, at the thought I would not be sitting down with wine after dc's bed time. As if it was something I used to have to do, a dangerous duty, that had been removed from me by some external agency. the thought of a quiet evening drinking tea felt like being invited into a calm burrow.

How is loveday?
How is weegiemum, are the meds working or do you still feel awful?
Here's to a good week for all

hi pixwix, welcome.

That's a great post mildred, and I bet we can all relate to it in one way or another.

Hello pixwix, how are you feeling? day one is always grim for me

Muminboots, I agree with Mildred. You should be at home. You sound so fragile and emotional.
Perhaps go home and just rest on your own where you can let your tears out.

Having small children is exhausting and stressful at the best of times and you are trying to deal with your alcohol problem on top of that.
Be kind to yourself. You're in mental pain and you need to look after yourself.
Tell work you've got a migraine and go home.
Wish I was able to help more.

Sometimes it's ok to say "I can't do this today" and go back to bed.

Thanks all so much. You are all so lovely. I'm not up to replying in much detail but I appreciate your words.

I'm staying at work because I already took 3 days off a couple of weeks ago. I'd love to go home but half the problem is that I'm procrastinating on something and it's making me absolutely crazy with fear of being found out and going home would just put off facing it some more.

I'm going to take a walk though, get some air.

Good, take some deep breaths.
What do you do, if you don't mind me asking? What is the procrastinating thing - a big thing that will take a day or more, or a short sharp horrible thing like making a nasty phone call with bad news to a scary person?
Anything that would help to talk about? (as far as you are comfortable with)

Me too. I am going to go and get on with my thing now for 15 mins and STAY OFF THE INTERNET and then check back in here x

Lonnika - I didn't like WWZ much either but as chunks of it were filmed in Glasgow (all the bits set in Philadelphia) and the city centre shut for days with Brad in there Somewhere I think most of Glasgow saw it at the cinema. Also seems like pretty much everyone's an extra - loads of jumping up, pointing, shouting "there's me! There's me!" Etc.

I'm starting to feel over my infection today but have 3 days of antibiotics left after today -good!!

Well done to everyone getting through the weekend!

Bless you mumin. I've had a shit morning involving tears, shouting and kicking things too but mine is totally pmt related as I'm just off the pill and my hormones are going crazy. I second, or third, maybe seeing your gp if you find things are getting on top of you. Just asking as you said you were unhappy in a previous post, do you think you might be a bit depressed?

Hi pixwix

Glad you're getting over your kidney infection weegie.

Shame WWZ isn't that good. You can't beat a good zombie movie :)

Hi mumin hope things are a bit better for you now...

and Hi and welcome pixwix

mildred I'm supposedly a medical writer but I'm a terrible one. I'm trying to write this huge complicated paper for months now. Boss has just asked to see the outline in the next couple of days and all I have is a big mess. But at least she'll know now and I can stop pretending to know what I'm doing.

Did you get your thing done?