Not sure I can take this anymore

[Blossomflowers]

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

Thanks all.
twinkle your mum sounds brave and did the right thing by you all.

Well car is here and keys. I made sure I was not here, I have absolutely no interest in engaging with him. Everytime I have a wobble, I just recall all the horrible things he has said and done. Last time he left I used to engineer ways to seem him, I made it so easy for him to come back without him making any changes. Something has finally changed in my heart. I actually had to laugh out loud this morning as he really thought I wanted to see him. DS does not seem interested to see him tomorrow and I said he should not feel sorry for his dad, easier said than done.
Well a day of sorting out the house and I am going to pack all his things and put them in he garage. Then tonight DS and I are going to decorate tree.

Well done Blossom! You are so much stronger than you think.
It is his loss, you know that. All you can do is love, protect and support your son and you are doing that brilliantly.
Roll on Monday, you have the right support in place.

Well finished the tree, DS really did not seem that interested. More keen on txting his friends he has been with all day. aaaah mobiles and teenagers. Spoke with DM last night and told her what really had been going on, I don't want any of the "oh poor X, her is such a nice chap" when she stared to normalise I clearly told her she was speaking bollocks .
Ass DS wants to do is spend all day in town with mates. It would so nice if wanted to spend some time with me but hey ho.
Will finish packing asshole's things, bought some strong bin liners yesterday. I keep practising banning thoughts of him in my mind and refer the "list" ( all the horrible vile things he said)
Caught a gimpse of DS text last night and his dad has sent him loads of messages saying how much he loves him, and knew why he had to leave. Still not called him though.

I am at an all time low, don't know why but I feel totally hopeless, can't stop crying, have no motivation to do anything, not one phone call this weekend from anyone, I feel totally and utterly alone. Spent whole weekend running around after DS, took him for late sunday roast. Watching TV together ladt night he suddenly announces he wants to live with his dad. All crap I suppose but it hurts. His dad has not even bothered to call him since leaving. DS even borrowed my phone yesterday to tell his dad he had not credit and could not txt anymore, Still nothing. I HATE him right now. I feel sick.

Awww, big hugs for you Blossom. I can remember being in your situation and it's rotten....BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. Hold on to that thought.

At the moment your DS is all over the place with his feelings fluctuating, just like yours.
But you are the adult in all this, so stay consistent, and supportive of DS, and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. It will all pass and settle eventually. You've done the hardest bit, so don't give in - stay strong. You may not be able to see us, but there's lots of Mners here all cheering for you. You CAN do this.

touche thanks you are right, you have just made me cry even more, I am feeling so damm sorry for myself. I did not react to DS comments, I get so upset when he keeps txting his dad and expecting him to get in touch. The few people in RL have all told me that he is the problem not me, but still I doubt myself. We have counselling today for DS so hopefully she will help him deal with all this. Wish I could take a pill and make it all go away, I actually feel that if I was not here no one would give a fuck.

I have just been reading an article about relationship breakdown and how to help children cope. It talks about making kids feel that they are not to blame and not the reason for breakdown of the relationship. Sadly in my case there is very little I can do to hide the fact that in the end the big part of me asking him to leave was because of the damage he was doing to our son and my poor son hearing this. Each time I listen to DS these past 10 days making excuses of why his dad has no called breaks my heart. Any advise on what I can say/do to make it easier gratefully received.

IME the guilt you feel for taking children away from their dad, is the worst part about splitting up. It is crippling isn't it.

but you are acting in your sons best interests. This is absolutely the right thing to do. Keeping your son in a home with an alcoholic is not ok

one day your son will know that

it does get easier

You just have to keep reassuring him

The worst thing is now DS blames me for everything and lashing out, He is almost mimicking his Dad horrible outburst and they make me feel a bit sick. I hope I am not holding out too much hope for his counselling to be beneficial.

For my kids it was helpful/important for them to know it was normal and ok to be angry

it isn't going to be easy, and he will take time to come to terms with this

i said earlier and you dismissed it...but you would both benefit from AlAnon/Alateen support i think

also, to help understand your sin, a good book is 'Adult Children of Alcoholics'

Not dismissing it aaaa but DS is getting counselling and I am going to try and seek help to get through this.

I think its important to learn about your behaviour and role in the relationship when you've been enabling an alcoholic for such a long time. Good luck

Having the courage to kick him out and stay strong with NC is enough for now. We are going to get through this. Reflecting on why enabled him is not going to help me much atm
DS counseling went really well, he is getting angry that his dad has not bothered to get in touch, I am not sure what was said but he seems to have a bit of a spring in his step. Has decided he is no longer going to chase his dad.

Well his dad called last night, call lasted 2 minutes. No arrangements to meet and DS. He still has not picked up most of his clothes, need my spare bedroom back. It has been 11 days now bit sure what is protocol for these things.

Short email (with delivery and read receipt) - say that you're going to put it all in the garage where it will be stored until x date, after which point it will be taken to y charity shop because you will assume that he no longer wants it.

Glad that the counselling session seemed to help DS.

My only concern about the counselling is DS seems to think that thge counsellor thinks his dope smoking is ok, surely not.. I am deeply uncomfortable about my 13 yr old smoking dope, he also said last night that he hopes he will not develop serious MH problems like his dad. so sad. He also is now convinced his dad hates him. Very hard to argue that one after all he had heard. He is now reliving some of the terrible things dad has done and said, sure counselling has provoked this.

My stance is to keep telling DS he is a good kind boy, not a terrible person. His dad should have been proud to have a son like him, instead he has walked away from a good home, great son, partner and his life and it is his loss. We have each other and lots of people that love us.

Can you say that that is one of the problems with an addiction - it makes you do things that are not logical? (re his Dad)

Why does he feel that smoking dope is 'good' for him - can you see if there's something that you could do together that would help - like exercising together for instance?

He has been told of the dangers and I have explained emphatically that especially with all going on with (self harming and hearing voices) that smoking will only exagerate this. I am concerned that has iti in his head that counsellor thinks it is ok.

Hello again Blossom . You've done so much and come so far since I was last on here. Your strength shines through.

Re your boy thinking that dope is 'good' for him. Could you not contact the counsellor, explain your boys belief that he has 'permission' to do so as he says the counsellor says it's ok, and ask them to speak directly to your boy and clarify what was actually said?

I would agree wiht Shimmering - I really can't think that the Counselor really said that - but they clearly need to make themselves clear.

Shimmer Done exactly that. Am waiting for a call back.

I am doing ok thanks, I have good days and bad days, today is a good day the knot in my stomach is not here today. P and I have only communicated by text and mainly about DS and Xmas presents. I am pretty appalled ( though not surprised) that he has made very little to effort with DS, just the odd text oh an 2 minute phone call last night. Have asked him to leave DS presents in garage when we a re out, Just said ok. My god how can someone be so callous and uncaring, Keep telling DS and myself that it is his loss. My poor little boy ( well not so little) happens to be taller than me.
Thinking I would like to change ti name of this thread, to "I have decided not to take it anymore" Is that possible?

MNHQ do sometimes change a thread name, but it would probably be easier and quicker if you just started another with a link to it on this one.

Thanks Jux I don't what to call a new thread but obviously "not sure I can take it anymore" tis not right anymore, I am not taking anymore shit from him. In some sad way him not making any effort with DS and just happy to abondon everything, makes me feel so much stronger. That actually it was not "me" that was mad, or a bad mother
I find posting on here very helpful, stops me boring family and friends . I know today I am feeling better but not going to take it for granted. Life will be a bit of a roller coaster for a while.

Blossom - report your post, ask MN if they would consider editing the title - it can't hurt!