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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure I can take this anymore

259 replies

Blossomflowers · 25/10/2013 09:39

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 12:15

I know, I should be angry. He said he is looking to at car today and will let me know later. More so though I want to help DS keep stable, he looks so sad.

OP posts:
wistlin · 12/12/2013 12:39

It doesn't matter how or when or where he gets a new car. It is irrelevant

he has your car and you need it back, now

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 13:27

I just feel so tired with all today. I will give him tomorrow, the trouble is if I appear to be acting unreasonably it will only hurt DS. Trying to arrange presents, Xmas stuff. I actually hate Xmas right now, every time I turn on the radio, there is some stupid Xmas song, or some advert on TV happy families on Xmas morning. I feel so sad Sad

OP posts:
Geckos48 · 12/12/2013 14:36

I would seriously think again about phoning rje electricity, water and gas people, telling them you are a new occupier and the old occupier has moved to . That means you are paying the electric as of now and the other bills and they will chase him for money owed. You don't have to worry about it.

As for the car, send him a letter by recorded delivery which you have kept a copy of saying 'I wxpect the car back by this date' and if he doesn't bring it back, take the car documents to the police and they will bring it back.

Refuse to look at or answer ANY messages or contact that are not about your son.

wistlin · 12/12/2013 14:46

you are not acting unreasonably though
it is your car
you need it
he will see you and your son without electricity over christmas.... Angry

do you know the thing that gave me strength, was someone saying to me that i was providing the blueprint for how a relationship should be, for my children. i have girls so the thought of them ending up in a relationship like mine horrified me.

How would you feel if your son treated his wife in this way? You have to show him that it is not acceptable to treat people this way. It is OK to put your foot down...and leave him to pay the electricity, and ask for your car back

i think if you phone EDF and tell them the truth, his bill will follow him and you start a new account in your name...not sure though

Flowers
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 15:48

Sorry if anyone missed my post, but he did pay half the bill for Elec and has made an arrangement to pay rest in Jan, so for now that is sorted.

wist I do feel ashamed I have allowed this to go on for so long, when he is sober he is so nice and kept giving him chances. Just had friend over and she said I have done the right thing and feels for my son and surprised he wants anything to do with his dad.
On a good note Xmas tree has been delivered and DS1 and family are about to arrive so we can all have a go at decorating. Will try to forget about my troubles for a few hours.

OP posts:
Loggins · 12/12/2013 16:13

Hope you manage a few smiles putting the tree up Blossom.
Even if Christmas is a bit sad for you next years will be bloody fantastic

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 12/12/2013 22:02

I am surprised he has started letting your son down again so quickly.

You can't take shit from your ex to protect your child though. Your son needs to learn what his father really is and you deserve more than being a punch bag for his shit.

Jux · 12/12/2013 22:34

Couldn't agree more, Toffee.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/12/2013 09:34

Have friend coming over today to hep me tidy the garden as a complete tip. Aaah garden therapy.
I am very worried about DS, was in tears last night and very angry with me, calling me names and being agressive . He older brother was here and took him off for a chat, eventually came and apologised and gave me lots of cuddles. Later we watched a film and ate chocs. I know he is venting and taking out on me but because I am feeling venerable it makes me want to cry. Managed to stay calm though.
Terrible sleep last night, had a nightmare about DP breaking into the house and starting a fire, maybe I am loosing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/12/2013 09:40

oh toffee it does not surprise me he is letting DS, but in his mind it will be my fault I am sure. DS has a mobile which his dad could call anytime, part of me wants to txt him and intervene but actually I think this is not down to me now to manage their relationship anymore.

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2013 10:24

No it isn't down to you now. You can comfort and cuddle and love when ds gets let down (inevitable) and show patience and fortitude when he acts out and blames you. He will come to see the truth for himself.

His older brother sounds lovely. Mine used to do similar - when I was upset/acting out, he would often just come and talk me down and very kindly put me straight. Brothers like that are gems.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 13/12/2013 14:37

" but in his mind it will be my fault I am sure."

Stop it, just seriously stop wasting so much time thinking about what he will think. You are doing yourself and YOUR CHILD no favours by second guessing so much what your ex will think.

You are nothing to do with the relationship between your son and his father unless he causes your son harm. Oh, there you go, but still do not text.

mistlethrush · 13/12/2013 15:32

I'm sure that in your ex's mind, all of this will be your fault and none of it his - not his fault that he drank, didn't contribute and was a lousy partner and dad. But you can't do anything about that.

What you can do is be a good mother to your sons - and that means helping them when their father lets them down again and also fighting to get what you need to make your lives work as a family (including the car).

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/12/2013 15:45

Well apparently the car is coming tomorrow morning, he seems to want for me to give him a lift back, sorry no I do not even want to see his face. The couple of people I have now spoken to in RL are not sure DS should be seeing is Dad, not that he has bothered to call him but there you go. Last time he left I gave him an earful about not being in touch with DS but have not bothered this time. I need to get hold of that anger and keep in close. Well DS and I can decorate tree this weekend, and wrap Xmas pressies.

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2013 16:37

Could you have a friend round who could have a quick look at the car and take the keys for you?

Your ds is 13? It's a bit difficult to lay down the law to them at that age, so not letting him see his dad if he wants to might be a tall order, and would probably backfire on you.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/12/2013 16:48

Everyone so busy this weekend.

Very tricky situation with son seeing his dad but will be interested to see what counsellor suggests on Monday. I think DP is suffering serious MH episode right now, drink driving, irrational thoughts, seeing things that are not there, hearing voices, he has poor DS convinced there is a ghost in the house because he kept seeing a large dark shadow. Also I have no idea where he is staying. Last time he left he was staying with a raging alcholic with a vicious dog.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 13/12/2013 22:20

If you think he may be suffering some kind of mental breakdown, you could call the mental health crisis team in your area. If the very worst came to the worst he could be sectioned, and then he would be sure of receiving the treatment he needed.

So try not to worry about him (easier said than done I know) because there is support out there if he needs it.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/12/2013 10:18

twinkle I have already done that before and supported him though his last breakdown. He text DS ( still not actually called him) to ask if he would like to go for lunch on Sunday, I asked DS if he wanted to go and said he is not sure.
Well D day today re car let's see what happens. I know he will also want his stuff, I have not had time to bag it up and I don't want him in the house, is that fair?

OP posts:
aaaaaaa · 14/12/2013 10:31

Would he drink drive with ds in the car? I don't think id let him go...

Geckos48 · 14/12/2013 10:37

Can you give him a bag of stuff?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/12/2013 11:02

Just had a txt from him saying dropping car off at 12ish and said "can't stop" what a self entitled ass hole, what on earth makes hims think I want him to stop. I will not be here when he comes and have asked him to drop keys through the door! What a compete dick.
aaaa no idea if he drink, always has done before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/12/2013 11:03

Also when I am out today I am going to get some strong bin liners and bag his stuff up and leave in garage he can pick it up ate his leisure.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 14/12/2013 12:03

You've done so much for him OP, but you can't help him now, he's too sick (I know you know that, but I understand that you feel guilty about him).

If there was any chance he would drink drive with your son, I wouldn't let him go.

TwinklesTheXmasFairy · 14/12/2013 12:24

Have just sat here and read the entire thread. So glad you are out of this relationship, which was obviously rotten and was affecting you and your DS in such a negative way.

Sending you thoughts of hope and happiness for the rest of this year and next and the start of your new and happier life Thanks

Reading it made me think of my dad who was a lot like this, my mum divorced him, had to get an injunction and then he moved away, got a new family and we haven't heard form him in over 10 years.. He was a drug addict, and was very violent to my mum, my sister and me.

Hopefully life picks up after xmas, Its gonna take a while to settle down, but once it does, it will be better for you and you will be pleased and happy to be free of him. Its tough but you're strong and will come through this so much better off.

Good luck and best wishes Thanks

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