Not sure I can take this anymore

[Blossomflowers]

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

I don't want to cause any bother [mistle] if it still annoys me I will start a new one later. Probably a good idea for me to keep re reading for now.

Had a call from counsellor, she most def said she did not give him "permission" to smoke and so I will speak to DS tonight. Has suggested that if we go to hard on him he may revert to self harming. Apparently has not done so since P left, telling I think.

Its not actually that much bother for them to do it I don't think - and if it helps your frame of mind I think that it would at least be worth asking - they can always say no after all!

Re self-harming - I agree very telling that he's not done it since his father left. However, that still doesn't make it right for him to be smoking. If he is at all artistic or doodles, I might even suggest to him to try to start something like Zentangles - I saw these mentioned on a drawing thread the other day and they do look to be a way of focusing on something that's quite small that could be easily finished in say 15 mins that might help him overcome those feelings. I must stress that I do not know anything about SH, but just thought that if he really concentrated on something else for 10, 15 mins it might help move away from those feelings.

thanks Mistle I will look that up. DS is artistic and I agree that he needs something to distract him. He is spending a lot more time downstairs and not in his room now his dad has gone. I also know very little about self harming in kids but learning fast. P damaged himself very badly a few years ago and DS knows about this now, worried this will escalate into how his dad was.

Might be just the thing then... here

Perhaps P leaving will be the turning point for him - don't dwell on what P did, work on DS and how you can help him. Don't expect anything helpful from P and then you won't be disappointed and might very occasionally be pleasantly surprised.

Blossom it's really good that the counsellor got back to you so fast, but I think she really needs to speak directly to your son, rather than the message be passed on through you. That way, your boy cannot feel that you may have changed the message in order to suit what you feel he should do.

I know this sounds odd, but when a child is going through so much, it's surprising just how they can perceive even the smallest of things.

It seems your son is starting to see what his father is like. I think him wanting to live with him previously is coming from desperation to feel wanted. I would be careful about using the counsellor as you don't want your son to think anything he tells you will get back to the therapist. He needs to feel he can trust and talk to both of you.

Consider yourself a lone parent. Don't contact your ex for anything. Let him come to you. Your son will see for himself very soon that his father is doing very little for him.

mistle brilliant I have just ordered from Amazon, I think he will love it. He loves drawing and I think it will give focus. ( might have a go myself) I used to be arty.

P can go and fuck himself, the only contact is by txt and was all about DS Xmas presents.

shimmer you have a point but I was there as part of counseling and DS knows I know he has been smoking.

toffee sadly very true P can go and fuck himself, the only contact is by txt and was all about DS Xmas presents. I has asked him for nothing except the car, which I now have. Many people think that I cannot cope here alone but quite frankly he did very little to help. I have carried us for years

Well done, Blossom. You sound like a different person! People who think you can't cope alone will have another think coming, won't they? How bloody dare they make such assumptions! Show them all! You are a strong woman, and you can do it, have been for years.

oh you lovely ladies with the flowers. It is unbelievable really how much comfort talking to people in cyber space, your support is amazing I really appreciate it. My own family have been very little support, except DS 1 and his partner but do not want to burden them. I can't believe actually how much stronger I feel, I am not going to let him hurt us anymore. I actually humiliated on how I have let him treat me.

Hey Blossom, it's great to pop on and see how strong you sound! Can't do the flowers on my phone so have a x instead.
Re his stuff, I'd have a big bonfire

No need for humiliation. You loved him. When you love someone you let things go that you wouldn't take from a stranger as you see the bigger picture. He is the one who should feel humiliated.

Naughty loggins very tempting though.

You are right of course toffee he should feel deeply ashamed but he won't.

I only hope I can repair the damage he has done to DS and me of course.

Of course he won't feel ashamed, but that isn't your problem. Nothing about him is anymore.

You carry on showing your son love and care. Your ex is the one who needs to do the repairing. Of course he won't so you just carry on loving your son.

Not such a great day today. Feeling a little overwhelmed for some reason, too much work, Xmas. not wrapped one present yet. Having a drama with DS school as some bullying going on. He want to change tutor group so working with school to resolve, hoping things will settle over Xmas, Also P wants his stuff but will take some time to gather all as spread over the house and just exhuasting and time consuming, time I do not have, Sorry rant over.

Can I join you with the overwhelmed before christmas feel? We have 10 for Christmas dinner. Most of the house is under a pile of 'stuff' that can't necessarily simply be thrown away. DH has, very helpfully, brought loads of things downstairs 'to sort out' but they nearly all actually need to go into the loft (go figure). The house needs a good clean. I've got loads of work to do (so must stop Mning) DS breaks up tomorrow and we've not yet made the biscuit presents (tonight's chore) and also need to make another christmas pudding. And the dog has a bad paw and is on lead walks only - she's going to be going batty. Tree is in a box in the hall.

You can't necessarily do everything. Just work out which is going to be best for you to do now and start that one thing, don't worry about the rest. I would be minded to get a black bin liner and start chucking P's things in it and put it in the garage when you fill each bag - I think it will be cathartic getting that stuff out of your life.

Please make sure you take time for yourself - even if its a quick and - don't wear yourself out, you've had a lot to cope with.

Good luck with all that mistle I am glad I am not the only one.

I will get everything done, always do in the end, over the past 20 years I have always done most things by myself and organised everything so don't know what I am feeling like this.

Will start getting his shit together but will do in my time, am not going to dance to his tune anymore.

Going to my very dear friends 40th birthday on Saturday, so am going out later to buy a new outfit, fuck it I need a treat. Then come back a wrap some pressies well it will be a start. Pressie wrapping was actually one of the things P did very well

Blossom, we haven't even got a tree yet! Presents get wrapped once dd has gone off to sing on Xmas eve so no worries there (except we haven't got them all yet); some cards were written yesterday and posted today, but most weren't; most of the food - I think - has at least been decided on, and I have ordered the meat from the butcher so we'll have that if noting else.

Don't worry about Xmas! As you say, it will get done.

Bloody hell jux you now make me feel super organised

I personally am not looking forward to it, my family are rubbish about making decisions, how hard it to decide what days we can get together. Have to keep DM and DD separate as cannot be in the same room, ( they have been divorced 17 years.) My DB and SIL are fighting and vicious, their poor kids. And DS will probably want to sit in his room and play X Box. Happy days.

Oh and to top it all, DS wants me to buy P an Xmas pressie for his dad. Something I cannot afford, should I? It all a bit raw for this.

I think honesty is the best thing re present 'I'm sorry DS, but I really cannot afford it' You don't need to add 'and I really don't want to waste any more money in that direction' but you can think that secretly. You could also say to DS that P can buy himself that if he wants to if he sells one of his many antiques that he has stocked.

Thanks mistle just thought I was being mean. But the thought of spending any more money on him makes my blood boil.

No, you're not being mean, you are being a) sensible and b) realistic. You can't afford it. End of (in terms of what you say to your son). And point out that he's got £30k of stuff he can sell to get it himself if he wants it that much, (if he can be bothered to sell anything - again, not to be shared). You might want to stretch to a card. But I wouldn't blame you for not even doing that.

Don't let him (P) walk all over you still just because of DS's misjudged wish to be generous to P.