Not sure I can take this anymore

[Blossomflowers]

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

Morning Blossom, sorry you had a bad night, but hopefully things will get easier and your mind will calm down enough to let you sleep. I'm glad to see you had a good chat with your RL friends - they're just gold at a time like this.

Back to the car....... (last time, I promise)..... As it's registered to you then it's your car, you need it, so you don't have to ask for it, just go get it. To be honest, if he's such a raging alcoholic as your friends said, then he shouldn't be driving anyway, so you would be doing everyone a favour taking it back. And if he then decides he can't do without one, then he can sell some of the stuff he's stashed and go buy one. It's called being responsible for himself.

You have got to consider yourself and your DS now. Put yourselves first, look after yourselves, and journey onwards and upwards to a joyful life together.

wishing you the very best .

I think I need to get mad. I range from being calm, tearful, guilty and sorry for him. I am going to make a list of DP badisms and keep reading.
Here is one, in one our recent arguments I asked DP why he lived here if it was so shit, he replied "it was a good free restaurant"
Feel a bit sad for DS, he wanted to borrow my mobile phone to send his dad a text, I refused because quite frankly I do not want to read anything about his situation. Also DS his own mobile phone why can't DP not just call DS, this is not up to me to manage this relationship.
shimmer I am suprised DP has not lost his licence before now, he drinks and drives shamelessly. His car is essential for his job, what an idiot

Crikey!! .... I asked DP why he lived here if it was so shit he replied it was a good free restaurant ....well, that says it all in just that one line doesn't it. What a user, he's had one heck of a free ride hasn't he.

Yes, get mad, stay mad, deal with him....... In fact I'm feeling mad on your behalf!

Oh shimmer that is one of the least horrible things.
How about "I wish our son was never born" and "I hate being a dad"
Fuck I just called his number by mistake, quickly put the phone down, hope he does not 1471. shit shit shit. Was meaning to call DS1
Going to compile that list and stay strong.

A long time ago, in what now seems like another life that happened to someone else, I was married for a short while to an arrogant and abusive man', and he regularly threw gems like that at me.

The one that sticks in my mind the most (when he was threatening to throw me out) is .... ' oh, and you'd better take that little bastard with you, 'cos he's not mine' !

That hurt more than anything else he ever said to me, and I've said it here, not to hijack your thread, but so that you know I, along with many others on here, know and understand just EXACTLY what's happening to you.

Write that list, read it, memorise it, think of it when you're having a wobble.....you CAN do it!

Sorry...that quote from my ex referred to my boy , who was an absolute darling. And when I left, I did indeed take him with me, and we had a fabulous life together.

Life is too short to waste on rubbish......get it out of your life.

Why the fuck am I feeling sorry for him what the hell is wrong with me. Thanks for sharing your story not hyjaking at all. Makes me feel less of a freak.
Knowing that he has hurt our son has given me the strength, I just kept making excuses for him. Of course atm I am appearing as the villian in all this.

I want to give you a big hug for being so lovely and a kick up the bum to give you some anger.

Your live in cocklodge is wrecking your life and your child's life and the reason you feel guilty about taking the CAR THAT IS YOURS is because YOU ARE A LOVELY CARING PERSON. He is not.

Reread this thread. Write down all the advice given to do the practical things and then DO THEM.

He is taking you for a mug. Stop letting him.

You can do this. You must do this. In years to come you will look back on this and think why the hell were you so giving to a twat.

Stay strong!

Oh thanks toffee I am going to wait until the end of the day and see if he pays EON as promised. If so I am going to ask for the car back, I have no idea where he is do can't just go an take it back. I need some advise how to deal with DS. Atm he seems to be blaming me and his dad is being really nice.

Hi Blossom. Could you possibly speak to your sons counsellor for advice?
I'd be tempted to try and stop contact for the time being to be honest.

Hi loggins funnily enough I did speak with her yesterday, explaining that he has moved out and would not be attending the session next week. She feels that DS reactions are perfectly normal but would not let him have contact if I had no address, also I worry about the drink driving. DS is under strict instructions that he is not to get in the car if he thinks DP is drinking. Trouble is it is hard to go NC as DS is 13 and has his own phone, also he is feeling sorry for his dad right now. I hope counsellor will be able to help him deal with all this.

Just sent me another text has paid £200 towards elec and has a cheque for £800 for rest a car. Also proposes to set DD to settle rest. Not sure what to do about the car. Has also offered to take DS in the morning but don't think I want to face him. Guess to demand the card would be unfair now

Are you saying he's offered you £800 for the car? how much would it cost you to buy yourself one - more than £800 for a decent one that you can rely on, I know!
The car IS YOURS. Let him have the hassle of sorting himself a new one, and get yours back.

I know this all seems like a major headache right now, but it will be worth it to sever the ties, and to know where you stand.

Nothing, NOTHING, you want to do is unfair. Look at what he has done to you. Was it unfair when he didn't pay the bills he was responsible for leaving you in a mess now? Was it unfair he said disgraceful things to your child leaving him not knowing what the hell to think?

He probably doesn't think his father is great. He is probably sucking up to him to try and make him behave as a father should. He is probably trying to please his dad as he feels it is his fault his dad is being as he is.

If you don't want him to take your DS, and I feel you should keep them apart as much as possible until your ex grows up, then don't let him. You don't have to answer to your ex, you do not have to justify anything to your ex.

Blossom, you knew you were doing the right thing when you told him to go. You know he is no good for your son at the moment. Stop thinking you are being unreasonable, you really really aren't. He has hurt your lovely boy and sucked you dry in the process.
You need to send one text stating he needs to pay the whole bill and a time/date when he can pick all of his stuff up and leave the car. Tell him you will discuss access once you are satisfied he has sorted himself out

When you start to feel guilty about him, just focus on your children, put what is best for them first: they you are responsible for, they should be your priority not him.

If he's got £800 to spend on a car (having not paid your bill in full), that's great he can go and find one, and give yours back.

Please don't let him have the car that you need to get your children around.

He is the one who should be feeling guilty here, yet he feels nothing. He doesn't care about any of you.

^they are the ones you are responsible for

You are not unreasonable.

You are not unreasonable.

You are not unreasonable.

You are not unreasonable.

C & P ^ into Word or somewhere, enlarge the font so it's enormous, print it out and stick it on the fridge.

How much is a new reliable car? We just had to replace ours as it was going to cost us £700+ to get it through its MOT and it would almost certainly only last another few months even then. We found something which goes, for 750, spent 300 odd on making it safe (engine died on hills) and there are still little niggles. We were lucky, and sold our old one for parts for 200.

You won't get a decent car to ferry the children about in for 800. Same as paying 200 on a debt of 3500 is neither here nor there unless it's guaranteed to happen every month.

He's doing the least that is necessary atm. Don't roll over. You need to ensure your future and that of your children. He needs to stop mucking about and grow up.

Thanks you all, the £800 cheque will probably bounce. Apparently he was going to turn up this morning and take DS to school and give me the cheque, I am sure it will be no surprise that he has not turned up. (he told DS he was going to call me, oh I shall wait with baited breathe. I really hate the fact he uses DS to talk to me. Am going to compile text and ask him to drop car off, he will probably go mental in his mind the £800 will be us quits on the car, still does not settle 3500 on gas over past 18 months I paid, or £500 he "borrowed for holiday spending money. The list goes on.
On a good note I had the best nights sleep I have had since he left, I actually woke up when the alarm went off. A good nights sleep really helps. Going order lots of stuff on Amazon today for DS and GC's. Got to try and get into the Xmas spirit.

OK deep breathe, have just sent the Text. Basically said I will accept £800 and the car as need something reliable for taking DS to school, it is a 20 mile round trip. Also said I don't think he is stable right now so need to discuss contact arrangement and asked him to stop sending messages through Ds and he has enough to contend with and finally why did he take some of DS's Xmas present and need to know what he has bought so no cross over. Does that all reasonable? Now waiting for reply.

Reasonable? I think you are being very nice to him actually! When he replies try not to get into a discussion with him. State facts and then ignore him.

So he hasn't actually paid the electric then?
As far as I can remember the account is with the person not the address so can you call them and set up your own account and they can chase him for payment themselves?

Glad you had a good nights sleep

STOP trying to be reasonable. It never works with someone who isn't also reasonable.

Get back what is yours.
Get back what he owes you and your son.
Sort access if your son is safe to be with him.

Enjoy Christmas!

He paid £200 towards the elec and has made an arrangement with them, He has agreed to give the car to me but needs a couple of days to get himself something else. Have just got into a long email discussion with him. As asked him to not to keep sending messages though DS, he replied that he only wanted to reassure him he loved him and cared for him. To which I said it will take a long time to repair the damage you have done to our son.He then said that he doesn't know who I have been talking to WTAF.I said do really not remember things you have said? ( I gave him examples) He said he only remembered the violent arguments and that is why he left. Err you did not leave I threw you out because I was not willing to be your verbal punchbag. Still deflecting, I can't believe he sees himself as such a victim. I ended by saying that he needs to get help. I did have a good cry but he can not see this. I hope he gives me the car soon, can go get DS and I our Xmas tree.

It is your car. Go and get it. You can not trust this man to do anything he says. Look at what he has been doing and saying already.

Blossom you do not have to read him rewriting history. It's not going to make you feel any better.

How many times has he let you down with money in the past? A few days to sort himself a new car? My arse. Call the police and tell them he is driving it without your permission. You really need to stop listening to the rubbish he is feeding you