Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure I can take this anymore

259 replies

Blossomflowers · 25/10/2013 09:39

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 11/12/2013 14:06

I think I need to feel the anger but all I feel today is sadness and grief for life we once had ( before he went mental) .I wanted to write it down maybe it will help him. I hope it shocks him to see in written down. I am not going to be painted as the mad/bad one, he has DS half convinced I am sure. All this I love DS and want him to know how much I care for him is a load of bollocks. Maybe he really does have a split personality, he just so likes to re write history. I will give him a couple of days, if car not here by Saturday will call the police then

OP posts:
Loggins · 11/12/2013 14:21

I'm sorry Blossom but you can't help him. I know it's easier to think there's a reason for his behaviour rather than excepting he is arsehole.
Things will get better for you and your son I promise.
One day at a time.
Can you ask a friend to pick you up a tree?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 11/12/2013 14:42

loggins I do not want to help him anymore. I just want him to realise he is the problem and stop blaming me. I think some months ago I started to feel this and stopped trying to fix him. Before when he want on a drunken rant I would sit and listen, if he turned on me I would just up and go to bed. But in recent months I have been reacting, I think it was the episode when I knew DS had over heard the dreadful things he was saying and finally hearing DS speak to the counsellor about how he felt, that it dawned on me how wrong his behavior and how this was far from normal and that I and DS deserved so much more.
Re tree DIL has offered to use her car tomorrow, bless.and found out local company delivers

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 11/12/2013 14:44

He has me convinced that I am mad, control freak, nobody likes me and I have no friends, I am a terrible mother, shit at house work ( well that might be true) and my job was pointless. Trouble I was starting to believe all this.

OP posts:
TeenyW123 · 11/12/2013 14:48

blossom

That's typical abusers talk. Deflecting or projecting, whatever.

You are not mad, you are a good mum, you take responsibility for those who need it. This does not include that FW!

Teeny

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 11/12/2013 14:57

It actually really help to write this down, so thank you for listening and posting I really appreciate it. Funnily enough did not get a response to the last text. I think this is a good method for us to communicate as unfortuntely we need to to sort stuff out. He probably sitting there thinking what a nasty bitch I am. All I want is DS and I to be happy. Know DS is upset, has been posting on FB and how shit Xmas will be as no "everyone" will be here. DS is bigger than me but still so much my baby.

OP posts:
Loggins · 11/12/2013 15:19

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You know the truth, you know you are doing the right thing.
It's going to take time to get back to your former self, after years of him dragging you down the only way is up!

I'd say its good your son is voicing his upset, better out than in maybe?

Good news on the tree, DS can help you decorate.
What plans do you have for Christmas? Panto or ice skating?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 11/12/2013 15:27

I know it does not matter, I think I am just venting and processing. It's funny I met up with someone recently who I had not seen for years and she suddenly looked up and said, why do you keep calling your self thick and apologising all the time? I did not realise I was.

DS has counselling on Monday so hope that help.

Oooh love ice skating, DP hated it so only the more reason we should go this year. Luckily DS is big enough to get into the attic and get Xmas stuff, think we should do that tonight in anticipation of tree coming tomorrow

OP posts:
Loggins · 11/12/2013 17:43

That's the spirit Blossom :)

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 11/12/2013 19:51

Stop caring what he thinks of you. He does not matter. His opinion does not matter.

You know who you are. If you are sure you are none of those things then he is wrong and needs no more head space.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 10:01

Had a bit of a wobble in Tesco this morning, don't know what it is about supermarkets atm, it sends me into the verge of a panic attack. Deep breathing. I am very worried about DS, we talked a lot last night. I know he is smoking fags and weed, am worried especially about weed, considering his anxiety. He is angry with his dad for not calling him, they have seen each other once, since last Thursday. He keep asking why he has not called, not sure what to say for the best really. He is also feeling sorry for him particularly about Xmas and wants me to invite him for Xmas lunch. I am glad we have his couselling on Monday. DS cannot understand why his dad will not come to the counselling session, also said he had heard me "always defending him" poor thing.

OP posts:
wistlin · 12/12/2013 10:48

You should go to Al-Anon, to get yourself some support. Also i think Alateen would be good for your son

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 10:56

I'll be honest I don't think those meetings would suit us. DS has started attending Counselling wist, the alcholic has been removed from the house. We are dealing with the aftermath.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 12/12/2013 11:03

Blossom - wrt the antiques in the shed - it sounds to me as though you have effectively bank rolled at least some of their acquisition - is there any way you could raise some cash through the sale of any of them?

Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2013 11:09

Please realise that he will never accept he is the problem and stop blaming you. Well, maybe he'll do it for a short while, have a quick woe is me session, then go back to the original pattern. He's been such a grade A shit that he can't possibly admit it to himself, so it will always have to be someone else's fault. If he ever does stop blaming you (and the son you had together, that's the truly wicked thing), it will be because he's found another scapegoat. The important thing is that you know you weren't to blame, and that DS comes to believe it too.

My experience with CAMHS was excellent, hope yours is too.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 11:10

mistle it is part of his business were the said items here I would not hesitate to put them on E Bay. At the moment he is said he is giving me the car back and going to pay Elec and Gad by DD but I think his words mean very little.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 11:17

annie We have only 1 session with CAMHS and it was very good, it also has helped me see how wrong everything was, just to see the shocked look on her face when DS told her what his dad has said. She even considered involving social services. When I told DP this he went absolutely mad calling the "shrink" horrible names, became totally paranoid, accused me of recording him and using it against him. You are right everyone else is to blame.

OP posts:
wistlin · 12/12/2013 11:18

Its not as simple as removing the alcoholic. Its a family disease.

you have been nabling/codependant. You've demonstrated that already on this thread...by paying all the bills

similarly, your ds lies and takes the blame for his fathers behaviour.

its great your son is getting counselling. You need help also. You don't have to go to groups. Although, i felt like that until i went

stickysausages · 12/12/2013 11:24

So many things jumped out at me, that are familiar from my growing up with an alcoholic father. The nasty drunk, the money problems & big gifts, quite manic behaviour really. My stepmum wasted 20 years of her life with him, before realising enough was enough. She has a whole new life now, and is finally happy... just like you deserve to be Thanks

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 11:35

Oh dear sticky thank you. I hope I will find happiness one day. I just need to remain strong for DS, I am very worried about him and struggle to find the right thing to say to him. I tell him a love him loads and let him talk. Despite everything he has heard he still feels sorry for his dad.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 12/12/2013 11:40

Blossom - I realise that it is his business - but isn't it your money (effectively) that has been purchasing the goods?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 11:47

Yes he has bought stuff with money that he should have been paying bills but very difficult to prove, I can hardly march into his workshop/shop pick up and an item and walk out with it under my . Though could be a rather comedy moment, just to see the look on his face and his silly little cronies

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 12/12/2013 12:05

Where is the workshop - elsewhere?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/12/2013 12:08

Yes Mistle.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 12/12/2013 12:11

That's a pity. I still think that you need to be angry and get hold of some things that will help you to get out of the financial hole he's helped to put you in. So the car is a must.