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Original poster

Not sure I can take this anymore

259 replies

Blossomflowers · 25/10/2013 09:39

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 10:27

Just has a text from him saying that he has a cheque for me and will pay Elec in full tomorrow and can he have his stuff please. Told him he can have his stuff when cheque clears ( it will probably bounce) and he can to pay it into my account. I can't say it does not hurt that he clearly seems totally un affected by all this.

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Loggins · 09/12/2013 10:35

Stay strong Blossom. You will have a much happier life without that piece of shit.
Once you have the money bag up his stuff and leave it outside. Ask him for the car keys. If he doesn't leave them you can report him to the police.

You son will not want to believe his dad is the problem. He wants his Dad to love him but the things he has heard go against that so he's trying. The veil will lift Blossom.

Take care

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 10:57

Oh thanks loggins I actually keep reminding of all the horrible things he has said to me and DS. It seems to help me stay strong. A few weeks ago DS overheard DP on one of his rants, poor kid should never of heard any of it. I hope we can repair the damage. DS has been very angry past few months. Poor DS's hands are such a mess with the cutting.

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Loggins · 09/12/2013 11:06

Ah bless him. It's so so sad for him, he must be very confused. It will be ok in time I'm sure.

You are doing the right thing Blossom. Limit your contact and keep reminding yourself of all the vile things he has said and done. He is truly disgusting.

Cantabile · 09/12/2013 11:12

The car is in your name.
You have asked for it back.
If it is not returned then it is stolen and you can report it. THen you can sell the car you have to pay elec. I would warn him that you will report it if it is not returned, but you don't have to.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 11:15

DS is in counselling, he has only had one session and she called me to ask what I was going to do, she said it was quite rare to see something so obvious wrong so quickly. She does not think DS has mental heath problems. I suppose in one way it made me realise that I was not going mad. It saddens me though that DS feels responsible. I will keep telling him that he is not to blame. Ironically DP has been telling me recently he could not decide to leave before or after Xmas, guess I have made that choice for him now

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 11:17

Cant he has texted this morning offering to pay £800 and all elec but will see what happens, He owes me literally thousands, so maybe should take the cash ( if cheque does not bounce) and then the car also, or is that just being mean?

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Twinklestein · 09/12/2013 11:43

I would get on with recovering the car because it's quite likely that he won't pay up. I would call CAB as well to help you deal with EON in the event of non-payment.

What kind of counsellor is your son seeing? I'm a bit surprised that she said he didn't have mental health problems given that he is self harming and hearing voices.

Loggins · 09/12/2013 11:44

Blossom it's not mean. He owes you thousands. He hasn't contributed to the household as agreed. If and when the cheque clears you then ask him for the keys. You paid for it!
If he is short of money he can sell of some of his stock can't he? He isn't your problem anymore

Twinklestein · 09/12/2013 12:04

Being mean is not paying utility bills when you have 30 grand's worth of antiques at your disposal. Being mean is making devastating comments about your child in their hearing. Taking back a personal belonging from a man who has drained you of money is not mean, it's sensible.

If he's short, he can sell some of his antiques at a local auction or to a local dealer this week to raise the cash.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 12:22

Twinkle he is seeing a counsellor refered by the GP, I also thought it was a bit of a strange thing to say. Self harming and hearing voices, does signal MH issues, all be probably caused by being belittled by his dad.
loggin re car the car is in my name but he put his old car towards so in fairness he has paid half, but he does owe me so much. I don't want to be unreasonable.
On a good note just came to an arrangement about a financial problem I was very worried about. a bit of relief. Also just told a good friend that has has gone.

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 12:24

He owes me 3500 for gas supply, something else he did not pay. Just to go about taking the car is an issue, I do have a set of keys though.

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Cantabile · 09/12/2013 14:22

Give him the other car then, the one that's not great in the winter.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 14:31

No that car is mine bought and paid for. If needs be I can try and sell it and get something more practical for winter. Need something reliable as DS school as quite distance. Also not sure why I should give him anything, he financially take the piss for years. I need to be tough now.

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 15:01

Normally love Xmas but can't even get motivated to buy pressies, decorate the house. Always have a real tree but have no way of getting it home. Sad Kick up the backside needed me thinks

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Twinklestein · 09/12/2013 15:39

It's apparently quite common for children to hear voices, particularly in response to traumatic experiences, and in many cases they disappear on their own.

GPs don't have very much mental health training, and after initial assessment, they generally refer on for further treatment. Personally, I think that, given the nature of your son's symptoms, the GP should have referred you to a child psychiatrist for a specialist assessment. In your situation I would go back go the GP and ask for a referral. Also bear in mind that counsellors are not qualified to diagnose mental illness.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 16:00

We have been referred to CAHMS, sorry I am new to this. I think it seems to be the right place. She feels his confidence has been destroyed. Sadly self harming seems to more common nowadays, I spoke to school about this and head of year knew a couple of people in DS group of friends doing it. Before DS was hiding now has cuts all over his hands. Although DP said this was load of attention seeking crap. He has admitted to me on several occasions that he did the same when he was a kid.

OP posts:
Loggins · 09/12/2013 16:42

Yes you do need to be tough now, I'm glad you are feeling that.
Aside from the finances he has damaged your son. That should be enough to make you hate the cocklodger.

It's your first Christmas without him, it really is cause to celebrate

shimmeringinthesun · 09/12/2013 17:24

Op I've been reading your thread since you started it, and am so sorry you are in this position, but glad you found the strength to remove this man and his awful behaviour from your home.

I came on to say, re the car: You said it is in your name, so is the car tax and insurance too? I ask because should anything happen and the car is involved - eg accident, none paid parking tickets, that sort of thing, then you could end up with more problems to sort out.
It's your property so get it back. Never mind worrying about his situation, he seems more than capable of looking after himself......he's doing that now isn't he, by not paying those bills!!!!
Your own and your child's needs are greater than his. You need a good car, and you need that money........that money which You have worked for and is yours by rights.

Sending you and your boy love and light. Flowers

Twinklestein · 09/12/2013 17:33

If he's been referred to CAMHS then he's in the right place.

It's awful how common self harm is nowadays, even among very young children.

I really hope you can get this bill sorted soon, I can see Christmas feels too much on top of all of this.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 18:09

shimmer" thanks for your kind words. The insurance is actually in his name and me named driver as I would have not been able to use NCB on 2 cars. I arranged for it and paid for it though, I really do sound like an idiot don't I.Twinkle* well lets see if he is good as his word and pays the bill tomorrow. I won't hole my breathe. My trouble is I believe what I am told. Have a friend coming around for a chat soon, hope I won't bore her 2 much. Lats time he left I was a complete wreck, somehow this feels a little different.

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shimmeringinthesun · 09/12/2013 19:11

Blossom it's good that he pays his own insurance, but who is the named driver on the documents, him or you?

If it's you, then you can prove beyond doubt that it is your car, and that you should have no qualms about taking it back.
If he is the named driver, you may have more difficulty in claiming it, but don't let that put you off.

You have a set of keys.....what are you waiting for? Be strong and don't let him use you any more.

good luck.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 10/12/2013 09:16

Feeling absolutely shattered, just can't seem to sleep, maybe I should get something to help me. Had friends around last night, was nice to have a chat in RL. They have know DP for 14 years and were appalled about the things he has said but not shocked. Their exact words were that he is a raging alchoholic with MH problems and I have done the right thing by throwing him out. DP has convinced me over the years that I was the one with the problem, said said it was most def not me shimmer the car is registered in my name and the insurance is in his and I as named driver. Thinking about the car, it actually would make life so much easier for Me and DS on a practical level but I feel guilty about asking for it.

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 10/12/2013 09:17

Oh and shimmer the insurance might be in his name but I arranged it and paid for it in full. Duh!!!!!

OP posts:
Geckos48 · 10/12/2013 10:28

With eon, you can just phone a different company and tell them that you have moved into this house and need to pay the bill in your name, they will do that and eon will then chase him for the money owed, nothjng to do with you.

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