Not sure I can take this anymore

[Blossomflowers]

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

PS if you take the car off him, to sell to pay fuel arrears, he can cancel policy and get unused premium refund to offset the money you 'owe' him that he has paid back..., Surely he can afford a (cheap) car if he's working 6 days/week and hasn't paid a bean towards his own upkeep for months!

Unless I pay the bill outright (near on 500 quid I don't have, who does a few weeks before Xmas) EON will not discuss it with me. He has missed 5 payments, which is also my fault because I "made" him go on holiday. God this sounds totally ridiculous when I write it down

Good grief - what are you waiting for?
His bags are already packed - put the last few items in them and throw them out the front door, swiftly followed by your OH with your toe up his tight arse!!!
And sell the car. You can get rebate on the insurance.
He wants to leave - make him and make sure he completely has to fend for himself.
You give him nothing at all.
He has £30K+ of goods he can sell so he'll have to get on and sell them.
It's not up to you to worry about him not having transport.
It's all down to him now.
I think you will feel a big weight lift from your shoulders once he has gone for good.
Here's to you brand new life without this dead-weight, cocklodging knob around your neck.

Chuckle hells blimey you don't mince you words, though words I need to hear. Would it not be just a bit mean a couple of weeks before Xmas though, Got to think of DS in all this also.

His transport is his problem.

You will get a lump sum for the car - great! He'll no doubt argue that you owe him some of that as he's paid towards it a bit, but you can offset that against the rent he owes you. If the refund of unused insurance goes to the policy holder, I think the way you need to look at it is that it's at least one major expense you won't need to think about going forward - did you pay for petrol too ? If so, that's another saving when he goes.

EON will speak to you if he gives them permission to do so. I can't believe he'd obstruct that as he'd probably be only too delighted to have that problem taken off his hands. There's also no harm in speaking to them generally - as in, not quoting specific account details - and ask them, in theory, what the heck they expect someone in your position to do if the utilities into your home are in someone else's name - who has now left - and, because you know the account is in arrears, are concerned at being cut off. You can't be the first person in a similar position - I'm sure people have left their partner before when important bills were in their name.

With all this hanging over you I think Xmas would be very traumatic for you with him sat there playing happy families regardless, no doubt necking a load of booze .... and you know from past experience that's when he turns nasty. Not exactly a Xmas to look forward to. You've already indicated that DS can see through him - at least in part - he probably susses that everything's not right and may well be relieved, and more relaxed, if you make the break sooner rather than later.

The longer you leave this the longer you'll be subjecting yourself to his vile attitude. And compounding your money issues too while you still continue to pay out for him.

I don't see the break would be any "meaner" before or after Xmas. It has to happen sometime. This "man" has access, potentially, to around £30k of assets if push came to shove - and I'm baffled, if you genuinely think he works very hard, as to where the rest of the money he must be earning is going. Do you really believe he literally earns just pocket money income each month ? .... seems unlikely. I wouldn't feel too sorry for him at all. And spending £32 on totally unnecessary whisky is a shit thing to do when he could have helped out by doing a food shop. Ditto the jeans. How could he do that when, if, as you say you're struggling right now, your son is bound to be affected ? He's not just using you - he's also making no contribution for his son. That's another thing - if split, you could set the CSA on him and you might then at least be guaranteed of something from him.

I did get snippy with EON a couple of days ago because they would not discuss, well only if I paid in full. How convenient for them. Will give it another go.
My head is in a spin and can't think straight atm.
To me it seems like he is being particularly horrible and wants me to boot him out so that he can say to everyone, "look what a nasty person Blossom is" Think he is speaking to some one, who seems to be encouraging him to claim something on the house. Quite positive he has not told said person or persons what actually he has made very little contribution ot anywhere near the truth. I worked out the other day that if he paid what I thought was fair it would equate to someone earning 13,500 after tax. My point to him is quite frankly he would be better of working in Tesco's that what he does now. But then I suppose he would not be able to simper over old people and have cups of tea and little chat. WHEN HE SHOULD BE WORKING . Even my mum thinks he is such a nice chap.

You'll have a great Christmas if you have it without him.

Make plans for your son and you.

Could you look into going with another power provider? Start a new bill with them - in your name - and letting EON chase your ex for their money(?)

You know, even if he did try to blacken your name does it really matter ? Anyone silly enough to believe a one sided story probably isn't worth knowing anyway - and you may well find that once he goes, people will come out of the woodwork and confess they've been worried about you anyway for a while - unless you're a very good actress I'd be amazed if people who know you well haven't picked up on some sort of atmosphere at some point. You just can't sustain a long relationship that isn't right for as long as you have - and still put on an act that fools everyone.

You are allowed to explain, if you want, to the people who matter to you. You could set your mum straight if she criticises your decision for example. I bet not many, if any, of your friends or family know about the money situation for example - they'd probably automatically assume he's making an equal contribution. Most people would be very shocked by the truth of it.

I took DS to his first counselling session last week (because I/GP were concerned about him) and she said what a lovely close relationship DS and I had, the problem clearly was his dad. She requested yesterday if DP would come to next session next week, he has flatly refused that I am the problem not him. I think hearing someone say in the cold light of day has pushed me into realising what a complete shit of a father he is. But need to be careful as do not want son to think we have split because of him, if that makes sense. Sorry feel like I am rambling. I was good that when DP was laying into me about shit a mother I am, I could hold me head high and laugh in his face

Can you imagine Christmas morning with excited children and an immature man putting a downer on everything?

Now imagine Christmas morning where you and the children to be free to just be as you are, relaxed, happy in the knowledge you don't have to pretend all is fine when it really isn't.

No transport for him is his problem, not yours.
You should sell the car, you will get insurance rebates which you can use to pay the EON bill.
Do not let him stay for Christmas for the sake of the children as that is the worst thing you can do.
He did not come back because he felt sorry for you. He said that to be cruel. He came back because no other mug would take him. I am NOT saying you are a mug but you are doing yourself and your children a disservice by staying with this prick.
DO not stay in this fake relationship because you are worried what people will say! TRUE friends will know what type of person you are and those that believe him are not true friends and you can cull them without looking back.

Your latest post just makes me so sad. You are SO much better than this idiot and your SON will get on so much better without him. I may have missed what his difficulties are if you have posted them but maybe his only difficulty is living with a bully for a father .

I don't think it is mean to do it before Christmas.
Why would you want to spend Christmas with someone who is only there because 'he feels sorry for you'!!!
I know I wouldn't and you know you would have a much better time without him there dragging you down.
Probably complaining about the food etc....
Plan a nice one for you and your son and get this guy out of YOUR house ASAP!!

toffee DS is 13 has told school that he was hearing voices and and been self harming. As soon as I found out I took him to GP and then managed to get him into emergency counselling. DS at that point had begged me not to tell him Dad. After the 1 st session he agreed Dp needed to know and be involved. But DP told me MY Ds yes MY DS is attention seeking, err yes dick head!

So, what are you going to do?

Do you think he buys things to try and cheer himself up? To make himself feel better about himself?

Do mean things for himself or DS and I?

I hope your son benefits from his counselling. It must be very worrying for you. Obviously I'm no doctor and nor do I know you but whatever the underlying cause of your son's problems, I think it's fair to say that stress can't be helping - and from the small snapshot you've supplied of your 'D'P, there's probably a negative atmosphere in the house your son's likely to have picked up on. If nothing else, when P goes, you will almost certainly feel as if a weight's been lifted from you - and a more relaxed, happier you can only be beneficial for your son.

Obviously, this split has nothing to do with him. He may well ask the question because many kids do but you can reassure him that things haven't been right or healthy for a very long time, which, at 13, he will probably already know.

How awful his own dad isn't prepared to attend counselling - to put himself out for his son doing something that might help him, and then to dismiss him as attention seeking. That's yet another reason why splitting is a good thing to do. Can't be good for DS's state of mind if his dad is so unsympathetic.

For me the change happened when I stopped asking "Why does he do that" and started asking "Why do I let him get away with it". Continually delegating responsibility to the irresponsible is crazy, you can not parent an adult, so stop.

Oh and hit attitude to his son would be reason enough to jetisson this dead weight.

Things for himself. Whatever he does with them afterwards.
Just the act of buying things.

cats I know why DP does not want to go, because he knows the truth will come out. You know the sad part is that history is repeating itself, DP's dad was terrible. In his sane moments he feels totally remorseful.
gold he seems addicted to buying he antique things I have referred to before, I just could be believe when I went to his workshop a few weeks ago and it was stuffed. He fails to see why I get annoyed that he keep buying but does not even have enough money to buy fish and chips (for example) I have just spoken to him and is calling Elec co now. As I have tried again and they will not talk to me,

Sounds like a type of hoarding. There are all sorts of physchological reasons that people hoard or over buy.

I meant what are you going to do about having a man living in your house who is causing everyone else huge pain?

I actually think he has a disorder but he needs to seek help. He carrying today as if nothing has happened. Either he is a big liar or he really does not remember what his nasty twin is saying. I am tired of it all tbh.