Not sure I can take this anymore

[Blossomflowers]

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

Can you not just take a few pieces from his workshop and sell them ? You have indirectly paid for them, then chuck him out

not I think that might class a theft

You will already be better off just not having him there, in any case.

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/speaking-to-gp-about-someone-elses-health.aspx?CategoryID=68&SubCategoryID=158

If you do choose to go, take a written list of what he is like and how he behaves so that you dont forget something important when you are in there.

Gold I have already been through that few years ago.

Oh please just put him out. He has had so much time and so many opportunities to sort things out, and instead he has just made things worse and worse and worse. Your son is self-harming and the sod is calling it attention-seeking. Maybe it is but it is harm and escalates if you don't deal with the cause.

My dd self-harmed for a while. It was as a result of multiple bereavements so no-one was culpable, but her distress was unbelievable, driving her to such extreme measures. If your son is using blades the physical harm he could do himself is enormous. I know he's seeing someone about it, but you have to deal with the cause. The cause is your OH.

Please, please, please put his stuff and him outside. He can stay in his workshop. You can't sort out the finances while he's still living with you because the same thing will keep on happening.

Massive drama last night. Well it happened again, I thought I would give him a final chance to deal with stuff. Instead he got pissed. Got completely paranoid, thinking the "shrink" business was pathetic. He just went on and on about how ridiculous I was, how everyone dislikes me and how popular he is, DS pathetic, I now know DS heard all this. And then I snapped. Told him to get the fuck out of the house, poor DS saw me loose it big time. I am, bit ashamed but it all became too much. So he has gone, drove his car pissed up. I wanted to report to police but DS hid all the phones. DS is now saying his dad if great and the reason he hears voices and cuts himself if nothing to do with him. I know different. Letting DS of school today and going spend time with him. I feel numb right now.

I reread this thread. I got confused as to whether your DS's dad was your DP or not.

Your poor son and you. Eventually this may work out the best for your son. And should give you some peace for the time being.

I hope your DP gets the full help that he needs to sort himself out.

gold unbelievably DP is his DAD, you would never think so the crap he comes out with. DP thinks everyone else is the problem not him, he will never seek help.

Oh heck. Oh no.

You say that he will never seek help. I was surprised tbh that he did go and get help to get the ADs.
Some partners and husbands on mumsnet dont even seem to get that far.

Really sorry it's all blown up but I think it's probably for the best.
Make sure he stays out now and do not let him back.
Spend a lovely day and weekend with your son and things will settle in time.
I hope you are OK.
Well done getting him out and good luck.

Putting him out was absolutely the right thing to do.

Now sort your son out. Obviously help and support him but he does not get to hide phones so you can't call for assistance, etc nor does he get to dictate whether his father is the reason he is self harming or not. Clearly it is because he has a prick for a father but he is scared what will happen now he has gone and will no doubt feel responsible. I am sure you have said to him it is not his fault and it shouldn't be necessary to explain how badly he - your stbex -has treated you too.

Thanks for the messages. Spent all day looking after my 2 young GC, so kept me really busy, feel very tearful. Sods law popped into supermarket on the way home and bumped into DP. We just stared and did not speak. No doubt in his mind I am the evil bitch that has made him homeless. Told me DIL and she said can't blame you, I would not out up with his shit. Feeling extremely low, need hand holding this weekend.

Hope you get some rl hand holds as well.

Hand holding Blossom
He is OUT, that's good. Stay strong

You did the right thing.

Give DS plenty of reassurance that this is not his fault.

I think, too, that is must be hard for children of a parent who believes nothing is his fault not to take his words at face value.

That was great that you prioritised him when you had so much to get your head round yourself.

Horrible horrible night not sleep. I feel sick. Have no rl support, DM is going away tomorrow so do not want to ruin her holiday. No one wants to here this shit again, so hope you don't mind if I come on here and rant. No missing him in bed as for the past 3 week ends he has slept on the sofa. Has been a constant repeat, he gets drunk, spouts a load of shit, nice as pie the next day. Has told me so many times that nobody likes me, he only came back because he felt sorry for me, could not decide to leave before or after Xmas ( well have made that decision for him) I like to say none of his words hurt but they do.

Oh, OP, I hope you are feeling better now. Of course his words hurt and the rollercoaster you were on before he left sounds exhausting.

Hope today has been peaceful and calm in comparison. Notice the differences with him gone, when you can. Little positives to get you through the day.

Feeling do upset today. DS has gone out to see friends and arranged behind my back for his dad to pick him up. DS now denying that his dad is a problem. DP not called or been in touch, notice still loads of his stuff here. Had a threatening letter from EON final demand. Shit this is something he was supposed to pay for. I want the car back to sale so atleast recoup something. Not sure how to go about this.

Anyone here today, feeling extremely distraught. Really need to know what is reasonable. Want to make sure my mood is not affecting my judgement. Have asked DS to be picked up @ 4.00. Now he has txted to say his dad want to take him for food at 4.30. I am a little irked with DS because he went behind my back today. But cutting him some slack as this are tough for him atm, but feel I need to lay down some ground rules.

Let it go for now with your son but make it clear that he is not to go against what you have said again.

Go to a garage tomorrow to see about selling the car.

Phone EON and tell them your soon to be ex will not pay this so are they happy to see a child without heating and electric at Christmas.

Let your DS think his dad is great. Chances are it won't last; if it does, that's ok, that's their relationship.

But you're right that he doesn't get to mess you around. It's ok that it happened today, of course.

Hold on in there, OP. No idea what's best with EON. CAB? Solicitors??

Just spoken with EON and they said DP called last week but did not make a payment as card was declined. Just sent DP a text asking to either to pay what is owed on the car or drop the car of here. I could do with the car actually as mine is not brilliant in the Winter. Not sure what I can do if he will not willingly give car back, it is in my name.
Yesterday was a mess, I had told DS that I was not taking him to town and we were going to spend the day together but he texted his dad and arranged with him. He then asked if he could go to lunch with , I said no as I had already cooked. DS thinks his dad is being really nice, um I actually think he is a manipulating cock. DS will see through it at some point.

Keep going Blossom. Take control back. I think your son could do with a little chat about arranging things behind your back too.

DS did apologise and has promised not to do it again. Was very lovely last night kept telling me he loves me and asking if I am ok. I am trying to be strong and keep the house going, DS has caught me a couple of times having a good cry. He is now telling me that his problems with self harming and hearing voices is nothing to do with his dad. I find that hard to believe not sure the counsellor will agree either. DS told her that he had overheard his dad saying he wished he had never been born, and was pathetic. Hoping I am making sense I feel very stressed it is just too much to cope with. My stoamach is in constant knots, only managed a few hours sleep last night. Want to go out for a few hours tonight but worried DP will come to the house whilst I am out. Have told no in RL other than older DS and his girlfriend, who have been lovely but don't want to burden them.