How to improve wife sex drive? - or am I doomed?

[RDerby]

Ok, I know this is 'mumsnet' and I'm a dad rather than a mum but I am after a female perspective on whether I am being unreasonable.

My wife has never been overly interested in sex with me - when we first stated going out it was maybe 3 times a week. We got maried witihn 2 years and even by then it had dropped to once a week. It's really been downhill from there (been married 10 year next year - two kids 5 & 2.5). For the last two years it has been at most once a month (me always initiating) - which I think technically is a sexless marriage (

powellct I'll repeat the same thing I said to Darkest There are people out there that do desire you and want you. It's a certainty. Remind yourself of that and believe it.

If your wife is not prepared to address the problems, work on them, compromise and make some effort for our relationship, then accept that you are not right for each other and set each other free. If this is where you get to, then be honest with her and tell her dispassionately. Easier said than done, but it has to be faced otherwise you will lose your firendship as well as the intimacy you have already lost.

"Thing is, in the majority of situations where a woman has gone off sex with her partner, it is his fault"

I don't buy that, I think there are many possible reasons. IMO women choosing to settle down to have kids with men that "dont make their pulses race" as the OP put it, is more common than people like to think.

But I do think, in a monogamous relationship, that both partners need to compromise in frequency of sex - if they want to keep it monogamous, or keep a relationship longer term.

Lazyjaney I could not agree more - on all fronts.

How is your wife's self esteem and general happiness? I was a SAHM for nearly the past year and my self esteem was very low and as a result I didn't feel attractive and thus not really into sex. Ive snow started working again and I feel so much better about myself. I'm capable at my job and get to talk to adults on a regular basis. I feel attractive and though I'm tired I'm so much happier which has translated to flirting with DH more and has led to more frequent (and better) sex.
Maybe there is an underlying issue that is affecting your wife's sex drive.

Yep, lack of pulse-racing is generally the big elephant in the room- all the woo and romancing cant make up for that. Nor in most cases is it due to hormones, depression whatever...

Why can't this be discussed openly and women allowed to claim their right to sexual preference/abstinence while still being acknowledged as fully functioning, sentient, sexual beings?

SolidGoldBrass - "...Thing is, in the majority of situations where a woman has gone off sex with her partner, it is his fault..."

Wow. This is just astoundingly lazy. It basically assumes that the man has some kind of duty to make the woman happy, and that if she happens to be unhappy, then he must be failing in that duty. This kind of thinking just allows the woman to blame the man for whatever she feels is not quite right in her/their lives, rather than taking responsibility. Its pathetic.

ola, I agree with you. How on earth can a general statement be made that its always 'his' fault. A woman should be able to be responsible for her own sexuality. And I resent the fact that going off sex is seen as apunishment - 'he hasn't done housework put the bins out etc' therefore I'm going off sex with you. Do the decorating and I'll feel horny!!!

Cjel, it's not meant that simplistically - more on a being taken for granted/not being treated or considered as an equal. So if one partner feels that way, they are less likely to feel affectionate, intimate, sexy etc towards the other partner.

Except in your 'non'simplistic model it is 'usually the mans fault'!

"Lack of intimacy (note: not just sex) is absolutely awful - I feel ugly for want of a better word." :(

That is really sad.

Nobody should have to feel like that.

Is it just a hormonal thing for her?

If one partner does more of the domestic work than the other, then at present that person is usually the woman, cjel.

I wouldn't have used the same phrasing as SGB but there are a lot of instances of uneven splits posted about on here.

Er, OP, this:My wife has never been overly interested in sex with me'

Whether you cook/clean/juggle OP, your wife has never been overly interested in sex with you

Realistically this situation is not going to improve over time.

If you have a fantasy..go and explore it..will help you for sure

TDOAF, I understand that but still don't think housework should be connected to sex!!

Cjel, but feeling affectionate towards your partner is surely connected to sex, and feeling taken for granted is not conducive to feeling affectionate for many - that's why it's not a simplistic "you do the hoovering and I'll shag you" link!

Its not as simplistic as that n,o. I've just cooked a full roast and the chances of me feeling wanted are about the same as my cat not wanting food - i.e. zero.
That said, I AM aware she's been perimenopausal for 10 years, and if I weigh up the pros and cons of staying vs leaving, sex in general is not worth leaving for.
However, I DO feel rejected and ugly, and yes, I'm aware there are other ladies out there that want me (I know that for a fact) - but having my first wife leave me for another bloke tends to make you realise the hurt that causes.
I didn't post to be full of angst, it was more to let the OP know that there may be more going on than is obvious.

Oh - and if I DID get shagged for chores, I'd be begging for a rest by now.

Its shite, but I live with it.
Ta for the comments, but it wasn't my post ;-)

Keepithidden and Contrarian78 had very similar threads, including the definition of a sexless marriage (

Oh god, Contrarians thread where it turned out he regularly coerced his wife into sex she didn't want.

Didn't pick up on the sexless marriage definition, although I was at < 10 time per year = sexless.

I dont see th point of a romantic relationship without the sex. You can nake lots of friends but sex is the glue that keeos sspecial friends together.

Maybe she's a bit shy and feels a failure, knowing she's not 'sexy enough' for you. That can make a woman feel totally unsexy.

It sounds like you've decided that she is the one 'in the wrong', from what you say. You've already decided its not you, or your sexual technique or anything. You are not asking what you can do differently.

Maybe you are not looking and acting sexy yourself? Do you take exersize, wear cool clothes etc? Because it sounds a bit like you're the one who has decided to just settle down and not bother much and your wife is conveniently being blamed for not 'doing her bit' so you don't have to rouse yourself out of the rut. But you could make her want to, if you tried - like you must have before or she wouldn't have married you.

Quite right not to split over this, though - your kids happiness should matter at least as much as yours (if not more).

So RDerby, how did it go did you sort our your issues?

This is total bullshit. Just about every husband I know puts up with women who are tired-out of shape-and don't want sex. Almost every man I know that's married. We're tired of your bullshit. We off er to take you out. We buy you every thing you want. We try to cuddle, hold hands--anything. It's just pushed away. Unacceptable selfish bullshit. Just tell us if you want a divorce...we want a friend, a lover and someone who wants to be with us.