How to improve wife sex drive? - or am I doomed?

[RDerby]

Ok, I know this is 'mumsnet' and I'm a dad rather than a mum but I am after a female perspective on whether I am being unreasonable.

My wife has never been overly interested in sex with me - when we first stated going out it was maybe 3 times a week. We got maried witihn 2 years and even by then it had dropped to once a week. It's really been downhill from there (been married 10 year next year - two kids 5 & 2.5). For the last two years it has been at most once a month (me always initiating) - which I think technically is a sexless marriage (

I've been this wife and come out the other end. From my perspective you need to address a key point, what does your wife get out of sex? What's in it for her other than stopping you from sulking? (By the way, a grown man sulking has to be one of the least attractive things going, for Christ's sake cut it out) My husband has worked really hard on his cunnilingus skills and I now have amazing orgasms as part of our sex life. This is not something that happened easily or quickly, it took him educating himself and each time will take 30-45 minutes but I love him for persisting! A lot of women gain no pleasure from straight sex with the usual perfunctory foreplay. Your wife may not tell you this but it's clearly not something she's craving is it?

Have you had an honest conversation with her about what really gets her going, and what really turns you on too?

Me and my dh have recently clawed our way back to some passion together after the baby years. He backed off from sex with me, I felt unattractive and unconfident, which made him back off more.
We had a HUGE blow up recently where we nearly split. The upshot was that we talked very openly. I told him what really turned me on and told him my filthiest fantasies. It blew his mind. The upshot was it kind of 'turned on' the sex-as-fun button that was missing. Now we text each other filthy talk during the day, sometimes rude pictures ..sometimes it really builds up the sexual tension between us. It doesn't have to be an all night session. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's a quickie in the bathroom with the door locked.

What I mean to say is, has your wife ever really opened up about what she wants? Maybe you could start? There must be something.

Other than that, some counselling would really help I think.

I'm a bloke and I have little sympathy OP, it's not as if she had a high sex drive to start with. Make an effort to make her feel special with no obligation, tell her sex is off the table and you just want to kiss and cuddle, knock one out to ease the frustration, but don't nag the poor woman.

Wellwobbly - steady on

Op, what's bothering you more. The lack of sex or the feeling that she's not passionately in love with you and you're the safe guy?

Op, I really think it may just be the tiredness of looking after two children. I have two with one similar in age and one younger, and sometimes most days by the end of the day I am so drained that I don't even want to speak to DH when he walks through the door, let alone anything else.

DH however, does not complain about the lack of sex. We have moved on from a very physical relationship to a very...well..knackered one, and the only thing we get time to do together these days is watch eastenders (all thrills in this household). He does however, say quite often that I'm always grumpy( because I'm always bloody tired!) and it's the one thing that gets to him at times. And hopefully it will might change when I'm less tired all the time.
Your wife may be the same.

How does your wife feel?
Does she feel attractive?
does she feel loved?
Does she feel wanted?
Does she feel sexy?

We all need to feel hot and sexy when it comes to the business between the sheets.

Your DC are very young too, you both work. How do you both find the time for sex?

I feel you need some adult time, from the sound of it babysitters won't exist (maybe they do so take advantage)
One way or another, it seems to work for you normally with no sex involved so go out (or stay in) once a month.
Go to the movies, rent a DVD, go out for dinner, cook a meal.
Start dating, woo her, chat her up, flatter her, tease her, have a nice photo (or mildly sexy one) as the screen saver on your phone, let her know you fancy the socks off of her.
But don't expect hot steamy sex and be satisfied with a kiss and cuddle in bed.

Why pile in there with an ultimatum saying she has broken her vows etc etc etc. That's not going to make her feel any better of herself.

Maybe you have tried this, but nothing will change all by itsself.
Tell her that's what your going to do, tell her your going to make her feel special, hot, sexy.

but your DW will need to make an effort too, she will need to accept gracefully your compliments, she will need to accept that your being like this not just because you want sex but because you DO finder her hot and sexy.

Make her feel hot and sexy and the sex will come naturally

Hmm i can see why op frustrated but omg you are going about it the wrong way!

I can assure you if a woman is with an attractive, sexy man who she's had a fab evening with then I am sure her sex drive will work just fine.

If your sat on the sofa day in day out nagging well yes her sex drive won't be revved up

I'm going to ignore wobblys post.. jesus

I am giving you the historical and social background for the institution of marriage. I didn't make it up. And considering that marriage is pretty much universal throughout all cultures, you should think about it a little bit.

That IS the payoff: commitment in exchange for regular access, so that children are brought up in a stable environment.

Save your crypto feminism for someone else

You know? Of course he needs to talk to his wife, let her know how he feels, find out whether it is his crap technique, learn to be more affectionate, find to his astonishment that sensuality gives you a lot more than penetration, etc etc.,

but the point I was trying to make, is that he is not being unfair to feel aggrieved. That is the only point I was making (and my suggestions to him concern the issues above).

Married men are made to feel so bad for their need for sex, and THIS is not right. That was my point.

Commitment in exchange for regular access? Fucking Nora.

Yes.

Really.

Being 'modern' doesn't take a few realities away. You can argue with me all you like, I am repeating - get that? REPEATING TO YOU - the sociological theories of why marriage endures as an institution.

Reported so many posts on this thread. Disgusting.

Op, you've been given a small amount of good advice on this thread (hint: not from those making comments along the lines of 'sex is a wife's duty' and 'I'm not advocating violence, but...') there's only so much you can do. It may be that you can't 'fix' this because it's not broken, as such, just that there is a very basic lack of compatibility there which means the relationship wasn't functioning in this area to start with.

I'm in a sexless marriage. I'm the wife. This is a big problem for a lot of people out there. I am seconding a previous comment that stated if open marriages were more common the divorce rate would drop.

Good grief.

Actually, as soon as I saw this title, I knew , I just KNEW that it would reach the dark side.

Marriage isn't about sex, marriage is about making a commitment to each other. Relationships are about sex and sexual compatibility and EVERYTHING else. If the relationship works and you want to make the commitment then you get married.

If you want an open relationship then don't make the commitment, don't get married, negotiate your terms and live your life. Using marriage as some sort of 'rite of passage' is wrong.

'In return for regular access'

There. Are. No. Words.

purrtrillpadpadpad, my message above to RDerby might help you, too.

I just looked online at the CB6000S......... LMFAO!!!

Oh my.

I'm at work... will I get in trouble for looking up the CB6000S?

Omg,but lmfao at the camouflage one.

YY Purtrill You never hear "sex is the husbands duty" when its the other way around.

Because only women are expected to have sex when they don't want to.

YY Grennie And when the bloke doesnt want it women are expected to go without.

Im the wife in a sexless marriage And in my case OP this doesnt mean its once a month.
My husband hasnt even held my hand since 1996. I wrote it up for a couple of other websites.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

Olathelawyer, you don't want it in your browsing history, especially at work. Imagine a snail in a see-through shell........