How to improve wife sex drive? - or am I doomed?

[RDerby]

Ok, I know this is 'mumsnet' and I'm a dad rather than a mum but I am after a female perspective on whether I am being unreasonable.

My wife has never been overly interested in sex with me - when we first stated going out it was maybe 3 times a week. We got maried witihn 2 years and even by then it had dropped to once a week. It's really been downhill from there (been married 10 year next year - two kids 5 & 2.5). For the last two years it has been at most once a month (me always initiating) - which I think technically is a sexless marriage (

You can buy them on amazon!!

Darkesteyes, sorry but you're a mug.

OP your wife has already told you what the problem is but I don't think you have listened. ' she said we should get back to a normal sex life first' as opposed to spicing things up a bit.
I think you need to work on the basics, and that's she's trying to tell you it's not working for her. Why would she want to bother if she's not getting anything out of it. She's hardly likely to say the sex is crap is she, I mean how good would that make you feel about yourself.
The person you should be talking to is your wife.

I had a relationship once where the sex just totally died out. It became really embarrassing if sex came on tv. More embarrassing than if I'd been at home with my parents.

I think I got together with him because I did really like him and get on with him when we first met and there was the excitement of having met a new friend, who was a man, and obviously we slept with each other to begin with. But yeh, that indefinable what-is-it wasn't there, so thank God we split up.

however just thinking about something you said about the eventualities of a split.... if she feels like there is a threat hanging in the air, even if it's not verbalised, I would feel bingo, that could be a reason.

If women feel anger or resentment that is a massive turn off.

Darkest - That must be hard. I would find it hard if there was no physical contact.

Darkesteyes, stop blogging and start leaving.

OP - a couple of things strike me. You say you have two daughters - please reread your comments as though you were reading words your son in law had written. What would you think of him?

If I was your wife & read your words, I'd be devastated. You don't mention love, it's all about your needs - your needs for sex, your need to enjoy your daughters & not see them with another 'dad'. You complain about this issue being worst over the past 2 years - so since your wife has had 2 very small kids to wrangle, as well as holding down a part time job & sharing housework etc. you don't mention if she has any other issues or emotional strain going on - depression affects libido for example. Re the previous boyfriend, ffs, she was a lot younger & pre kids then!

I could say more but will just say I pity your wife from the heart - you sound very inward looking & one track minded & I'm just so sad to see that from your point of view you're less worried about why she's not pouncing on you than the fact that your view of marriage seems to be very centred on getting your leg over when you want to. Is that the kind of marriage you would want your daughters to have?

Darkest, I've read a blog by you previously. It's heartbreaking that your situation hasn't changed.

Darkesteyes.... :( so sorry, it must be so hard. You must feel so rejected. Why do you stay?

Op.....I don't think anyone has asked, sooty if they have...are you actually any good at it? Did she ever want you in that mad, lusty way??

I know you said it was only once a week to begin with but did she seem to enjoy it?

If it had waned off after children I'd put it down to that (think everyone's been in that boat) but it was never there...do you think she still fancies you?

I do feel for you, OP, it is incredibly hard when your sex lives are mismatched. I'm surprised, however, that I can't see any mention in the thread of one question - What contraception are you using?

I was so scared of getting pregnant after having ds (no trauma, just the usual total overwhelming lifechange and exhaustion of having a child) that penetrative sex dwindled to almost nothing despite me being on the pill, and in fact after a while nonpenetrative sex went the same way. I changed to the minipill and that killed my libido absolutely stone dead. Sadly, I barely noticed the difference, I was so knackered.

I'm not going to give you a recipe for things that have helped us, for two reasons - 1. I'm afraid you might go to your wife with a list in your hand saying 'these guys fixed their problem this way' which is absolutely the opposite of how I think you should work, and 2. we have sex about once a month, which is a lot better than it was, but clearly not enough for you.

The only thing I am going to say that really did help was patience, on dh's part (ds is 9 now) and feeling beloved and wanted by my husband. Only you know how to make her feel that way. And not in a 'I love you, can we do it now?' way. That's a problem, though - if she is not giving you love back, it's so difficult to generate that from nothing - that's why they call it making love. I can only recommend that you try, though.

wellwobbly all I can say is wow

OP I would suggest that you really do back off about it a bit. I have been in a relationship where my partner felt we weren't having enough sex- this was because we were having problems. The more he went on about it the worse I would feel. Feeling under pressure was horrible and really counterproductive to feeling aroused. Everytime he tried it on I would feel tense because I knew if I didn't feel like it it would cause an argument or a sulk.
I would also disagree with the posters who are saying that this definitely means that you guys are over or that she isn't into you. I would actually believe her that it probably is tiredeness. Since having a DC I now know what being tired is actually like! Its unrelenting and half the time I don't have energy to chat let alone DTD.
Between tiredeness and pressure from you I'm not surprised she can't find the enthusiasm right now.

Excellent post Plodding.

yes plodding, you are right.

Feel for you Op but god i HATE all this woman-blaming, "try to make her horny" type suggestions. Women are animals too and fit, attractive, well-tended men tend to attract us but chemistry also required.
To be blunt, I'd say she's just not that into you- sexual incompatibility, not a failing on her part to fix.

If the drive fails or is underperforming, still try to access the drive on a regular basis. At least every 48 hours is recommended.

Although the mechanism's processors may be exhausted or busy elsewhere developing new programmes, it is still worthwhile trying to access the drive. Repeated attempts to access may wear down the mechanism, resulting in success.

Some manuals may recommend that you try to assist the mechanism's processors with the other tasks it is undergoing, but other users do not find this a good use of their time and choose to cut their losses and restart with a new model. In some domains inability to access the drive for 30 days allows for an automatic refund, so users are advised to consult their local manual or service provider.

There has been one big change. Ive gone on a healthy eating plan (rejoined Slimming World) and i excsesise for an hour EVERY day. Ive been dieting for 5 weeks and excsersising daily for over 2 months and ive lost 11 pounds.

I find excsersise does lift my mood and make me feel a bit happier. Ive not touched cake biscuits choc etc since very early August and i do feel better its a work in progress for me.

I'd second what Sneaky has said - some forms of contraception knock your libido for six. Could this be a factor? Or could she be scared of a contraception failure and another pregnancy? Maybe she'd prefer non penetrative sex.

Do you have parents or friends that could take the DCs overnight to give you a night together? If your DW is very tired then sex in the morning could be more attractive to her than sex late at night when she might just want to sleep. Or you could try initiating sex earlier in the evening?

I'm not blaming either you or your DW. I think that the years when kids are little can be tough in relationships and am just trying to put forward suggestions, as you asked for in your initial post.

Branching out :)

Darkest eyes.... That's great!! :) maybe a newer, more confident, 'happier within yourself' you will start demanding more for yourself. Good luck :)

Thankyou mamma

Regular Access?

Christ on a bike.

Plodding has it right.

Can't believe some of the comments on this thread - Halloween really has come early.

I'm a very old grannie and have been around a long time and while I don't think that a woman should be made to have sex against her wishes I also think that if a wife loves her husband then she would want to make him happy and that if that making him happy means making love to him then surely seeing him happy should make her happy as well(gets coat and runs).

Thankfully my partner wouldn't want to havesex if I was just doing it to 'make him happy' like most normal men he would find that a huge turn off, it's actually a huge insult to men to suggest that they would want that.

But in a loving normal marriage giving and receiving sex should be something that both people want. Thats my point - not that one does it grudgingly but that it should be something both want and enjoy. Husband and wife. and if one partner doesn't because they resent other parts of the relationship then that needs sorting.