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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to improve wife sex drive? - or am I doomed?

147 replies

RDerby · 24/10/2013 08:46

Ok, I know this is 'mumsnet' and I'm a dad rather than a mum but I am after a female perspective on whether I am being unreasonable.

My wife has never been overly interested in sex with me - when we first stated going out it was maybe 3 times a week. We got maried witihn 2 years and even by then it had dropped to once a week. It's really been downhill from there (been married 10 year next year - two kids 5 & 2.5). For the last two years it has been at most once a month (me always initiating) - which I think technically is a sexless marriage (

OP posts:

ibon · 24/10/2013 23:19

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but are you absolutely sure there are no hormonal/thyroid/adrenal problems? All are a lot more common than you would think and doctors are crap at diagnosing them until things get to a crisis point. I can tell you now, any one of those problems can shrink your sex drive to zero.

olathelawyer05 · 24/10/2013 23:21

OP, Ignore the emotive shaming approach of people like Plodding, who feel sorry for your wife despite having no idea whether the issue is with you or with her - they don't actually know, and yet have managed to decide that your wife is somehow your victim. Such people would have you feel guilty about your sexuality, when there is no reason to be. You don't have to feel guilty about liking lots of sex in your relationship, and feeling unfulfilled if your partner's desire doesn't match. It isn't necessarily anyone's fault.

If you want to stick it out with your wife, then listen to those who are actually offering practical NON-JUDGMENTAL suggestions for what may be wrong (e.g. stay away from those saying things like "you didn't mention love..." so as to 'assume' that the problem is with you, rather than just seeing that you are frustrated by something you feel isn't working in your relationship, and would like to fix it). Talk to your wife again - don't just grin and bear it and fall miserable.

olathelawyer05 · 24/10/2013 23:28

ibon - "....but are you absolutely sure there are no hormonal/thyroid/adrenal problems?"

OP, Sorry to ramble a little, but advise such as the above is exactly what you want to listen to, IF you do want to try and fix the issue - a pragmatic, non-judgmental suggestion. It isn't looking to blame YOU just because you are a frustrated man who apparently likes sex.

boysandmoreboys · 25/10/2013 00:00

I think lots of marriages go through similar problems and you need to keep talking, keep finding time for each other. Have you tried cuddling and touching in bed without actually having sex? Massages? Intimacy without sex that might actually get her feeling connected to you that further down the line might encourage her to have sex. I think I'd definitely suggest counselling. Try the relate website for some counselling near you - you can find a counsellor there who specialises in sexual issues. Also don't believe that everyone is having endless sex. You've been married 10 years, your kids are quite young and hanging out with toddlers is not the most libido-inducing activity. Any chance the two of you could get away for a weekend without the kids? Or try having a night a week when you have a bath together and have a nice meal talking to each other (put a ban on talking about the children) with no TV and go to bed early. Really make time for her and make time for sex. Easier said than done I know.

wantanewname · 25/10/2013 10:20

Crucial question is does she orgasm?

sadsong · 25/10/2013 10:59

I also feel sad about this story too hence my name! I really feel for you . I've had sex 6 times this year I think. And get this dh blames the fact I've had surgery so many times. It's got nothing to do with it. But now because of the complete lack of intimacy and rejection I can't bare him anywhere near me. The 6 times we have had sex I initiated it. The whole experience is just flat. He says well that's what happens when you get married. Er no! Never had that problem with my ex husband or any other man ever! But it makes me feel yuck about myself that he doesn't want me.

I have no advice. I can't see my own situ ending well. But you are definitely not alone in this.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/10/2013 11:21

Thing is, in the majority of situations where a woman has gone off sex with her partner, it is his fault. A little digging often (obviously not always) will reveal that the man does little or no housework/childcare, pursues hobbies of his own without ever considering that the woman might like a little time to herself as well, and thinks that whining and pestering is the way to 'make her have more sex with him'.
THis may not be the OP's situation but it's as well to ask the relevant questions first.

Basically, no one is entitled to sex with a specific person, even if the person is the official longterm partner. However, you are sort of entitled to respect, consideration and a willingness to discuss an issue that is making one partner unhappy. If your partner is unwilling to have sex and unwilling to agree that there is a problem within the relationship or seek ways to improve the situation for both of you, then it's not unreasonable to end the relationship or seek sex elsewhere.

keyholder · 26/10/2013 18:41

My apologies if my original post was construed as advertising. This wasn't the case - I'm just a satisfied customer with no other links to the website I mentioned.

Nurse.

Zoway · 26/10/2013 19:27

I think you're right SGB.

The platitude offered up so often is "it's not a rejection of you, it's a rejection of sex". Well I think that's nonsense. When I was in a sexless relationship (with a man who robbed me of my voice by never compromising and always being right even when he was wrong, but was quite good humoured and talkative and good company in many ways...) I used to lie away dreaming of the kind of man I longed to have sex with. And it wasn't him. It was somebody who cared what I wanted and cared what I thought and listened to what I said. So many men don't get it because they don't comprehend how different female sexuality is. They suggest things like horny goat weed rather than load the dishwasher or listen to their wife.

Takingbackmonday · 26/10/2013 20:35

I have a high sex drive but I really just do not understand this NEED for sex... You have a hand. Why would you leave an otherwise good marriage because your wife doesnt want to shag you constantly?

Darkesteyes · 26/10/2013 21:32

Zoway i hear you. I was talking to a female friend about my situ yesterday and a bloke friend of hers was earwigging.
He said to me, a. sex isnt everything.
b. Why dont you become an escort if you like sex so much
So what he really meant was.... Sex isnt everything for women cos they shouldnt like it anyway

And why dont you become an escort because the mens needs have to be fullfilled

So that is a good example of how womens needs are seen by society.

rachel2kids · 26/10/2013 21:50

If you love her, things will get better. Its normal being married for things to go off the boil

GiveMeSomeSpace · 26/10/2013 21:57

I just don't understand why couples stay together when they are clearly incompatible.

If a pair of adults can't i) talk about these important things openly, ii) come to a MUTUAL compromise that, stating the obvious, works for both and iii) make an effort for each other, they should be honest with each other and go their separate ways.

We can ALL find the right person each of us. And that right person may change over time. If it does change then staying in that relationship will only lead to resentment. There is little point in continuing to hurt each other repeatedly and end up losing a friendship in addition to the intimacy that has been lost.

Be true to yourselves, and each other, and let each other go - set yourselves free. You'll be better parents, and better friends to each other, when you are in equal relationships.

Living a lie can never make us happy.

Keepithidden · 26/10/2013 21:57

I have a high sex drive but I really just do not understand this NEED for sex... You have a hand. Why would you leave an otherwise good marriage because your wife doesnt want to shag you constantly?

Yeah, 'cos masturbation is just like sex isn't it? Wanting to be wanted physically by your partner is pretty important in my book. An otherwise good marriage gets lonely and upsetting after years of rejection and leads to a pretty resentful existence.

Keepithidden · 26/10/2013 21:59

Wise words GiveMeSomeSpace, maybe one day the courage will come to enact them...

GiveMeSomeSpace · 26/10/2013 22:00

"You have a hand" - there speaks someone who clearly understands little about intimacy

Darkesteyes · 26/10/2013 22:05

YY Keepit. It would be so lovely to be desired again. On the upside ive been excersising every day and eating healthily and have lost 11 pounds which has made me feel a little better.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 26/10/2013 22:05

Yes Keepithidden It does take courage and that can be hard to find. But when we do find it, it will always be worth facing the tough decisions head on and dispassionately

GiveMeSomeSpace · 26/10/2013 22:07

Darkesteyes Find someone who does desire you. There will plenty out there that do - that is a certainty

Darkesteyes · 26/10/2013 22:19

GiveMe

GiveMeSomeSpace · 26/10/2013 22:25

Believe it Darkest

powellct · 26/10/2013 23:00

I've just come to this, and apologies I haven't had time to read the whole thread.
I'm male, and in a similar situation, with the exception my wife was diagnosed perimenopausal 10 years ago at the age of 38.
Lack of intimacy (note: not just sex) is absolutely awful - I feel ugly for want of a better word.
And yes, I do the flowers, the cuddles, the holding hands - I also pay for the house bills and we share the chores. I've been to Relate (on my own, she won't go)
Everything (bar the mood swings....) is good - except I feel so bloody rejected.
So, OP, unless its already been mentioned, do see if you can get her to agree to go to her GP to check theres not an underlying hormone issue.

Its horrible, I feel your pain.
Sorry if I've hijacked the thread....

Darkesteyes · 27/10/2013 00:29

Hi powellct My h didnt want to do the counselling thing either...he refused.
YY the lack of intimacy ...I agree Rejection is painful and soul destroying over a long period of time.

rachel2kids · 27/10/2013 01:04

Should we be here at this time? lol

powellct · 27/10/2013 05:56

And given the nature of the thread we have a reason to go to bed because.....?

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