Planning to split up with my alcoholic partner but filled with doubt and guilt

[SuperAmoo]

Hello all, I've been with my partner for 12 years now. And it's only just becoming apparent that he's an alcoholic. He's not a falling down type. He works full time. He only drinks in the evenings. But he drinks every night until he's drunk and then goes to sleep. And he smokes about 4-5 joints a day. I feel like I'm being SO unreasonable splitting up with him. I've been wanting to split up since the day he moved in - but it's taken me 12 years to feel strong enough to split up. But we have a 4 and a 7 year old together. The second I think of them and how much this will damage them, I just feel like, no matter how much I want to split up, no matter how miserable I am, this just isn't bad enough to justify ruining their lives. They're both such sensitve girls - the elder one has a terrible temper and gets angry really easily and the younger one can burst into tears when something even slightly goes wrong. But I don't think that's got anything to do with my relationship because from the outside there is NOTHING wrong. It's just me that's miserable. But I keep it all in. I'm not cross with them. I am pretty happy really. My life is great apart from this problem. I take them all over the place doing lots of stuff and we have lots of friends. They don't see him drunk - he doesn't fall down. He might sway abit but that's it. But I've worked my arse off with my own business for the past 18 months only to discover that he's spent £3K on booze in 6 months and was hiding the credit card statements. Basically my business isn't that successful and he's drunk ALL the profit I worked so hard to earn. I also do 99% of all household chores and childcare. I confronted him yesterday, he said he was sorry but that he was planning to stop on Sunday because that's the day before his new job starts, and he got drunk tonight as usual. Even though I'd told him his behaviour had devastated me and he said he was 'sorry'. Isn't that abit..odd?

I mean, he is not a good role model.

He is a role model though.

But I am categorically NOT traumatised by it. It is what it is

But you are and you need to realise this.
You are putting your DC in exactly the same position you were in and they in turn will do exactly the same.

Others have put this much better than me but you see the cycle - surely????

I'm glad you are now ready to get him out.
You need to do it fast as well and you need to get yourself some counselling.

You will be fine with your DCs. Actually you be amazed at how much relief you will feel and how much healthier you will be away from this leech.

As the saying goes:
"If you don't get on the carousel, you won't go round in circles"
Time to get off! and give your DDs the chance of having 'normal' healthy relationships as they grow up.

You are the teacher so teach them well.

Before you say your children aren't affected think of them in five years, ashamed to bring friends home because of the pitiful loser in their living room. They will despise him and disrespect you for putting up with it.

Super, glad you're gathering your thoughts about leaving.

Before you speak to him, try to think through your plans, get info and seek support.

Otherwise you run the risk of being talked round, fobbed off with promises, or guilt-tripped, will stay and nothing much will change. If you're undecided on leaving, better to say nothing and think it through more than tell him and deal with all the inevitable drama and possible escalation of the sexual abuse.

Before you say "but he deserves one last chance to stop boozing" (and the rest), or that before breaking up you need to know you've given it your all, you've already given him years of your life and inumerable chances, and given it more than your all, have tried and tried to improve things: he hasn't taken any of those opportunities because his primary relationships are with drink and drugs.

Weed is not a clinically-proven treatment for MS. Even if it was, he's an alcoholic in addition!

So you also had one parent who did not show you love and understanding, like your husband is doing to your children now.
Maybe that is why you are ok with that?

You say YOU are suffering. If not for your children then, could you end this for YOU?

You need to think about your and the girls' safety.

This person is not just a boozer/pothead, he is already abusive towards you. he could turn very nasty if his equilibrium is threatened.

If you can avoid staying under the same roof after you end it, that would be best.

Have you contacted Women's Aid? If not and you're in the UK, they may well be able to help.

Right now the DCs are little and don't quite know what's going on, but they will when they are older, how angry and ashamed are they going to be with the useless tosser their DF when they are in their teens, they won't be able to have friends round, life will revolve around him and his selfish behaviour not them.

I also think that DCs do pick up when their home life isn't really happy, they will copy their DM and pretend everything's fine and think that DF's behaviour is normal.

They need a safer environment with a relaxed and happy DM away from DF. But I think you also need to explain to them why you are moving, and that it isn't their fault but sadly Daddy is drinking too much or whatever, don't leave them anxious about what is going on. My DF was an alcy and nothing was ever talked about or explained which made things worse for us DCs imo.

Glad the fog is beginning to clear OP. Just keep reading and learning and posting and stay one step ahead of DH.
Because just like affairs, there is a script and it is so easy to slip back into enabling and denial.

It is strange isn't it, how those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families feel as though we hate to show our vulnerability. I am just the same; and though my father isn't an alcoholic, he is a very selfish and probably narcissistic character who we grew up stepping around.

I then met a man who I tiptoed around in the same way (my alcoholic ex partner). We replicate those awful patterns of our childhood even though we don't want to; and we keep on being strong and invulnerable cos we're used to it. And we are usually co-dependent people pleasers who expend a lot of energy in kidding the world and ourselves we're alright.

Do read Melanie Beatties book if you haven't already. It really helped me. I was also given a lot of strength by a website called sober recovery. It has forums, and there is one for friends and family of alcoholics. It literally changed the way I thought about things, and helped give me the strength to get my kids' dad to leave.

Good luck to you- you're not alone. And it's not your fault. But you can change things. Really.

PS. I did tell my DCs that dad was leaving because he drank too much beer and I didn't think it was good for us to live with him when he was drunk so often. That wasn't bad mouthing him, that was the truth. Children need honesty, they have a lot of intuition and they realise stuff anyway.

Your last post has hit me like a punch in the stomach, Squeegle. I had never thought of it like that. Thank you.

You are welcome Imperial. I feel the whole process of being with an alcoholic and all that entails has taught me a load about why I have accepted so much bad behaviour when others might not have.

I reckon if we can share some of these things, then some people like OP stand a chance if getting out of such an unhealthy relationship a bit earlier than I did!

Hi again everyone. I'm in trouble with this. After feeling really strong, I've gone backwards. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I have read Melanie Beatie - I have her daily reader too - I read it every morning. I've also read a book called Boundaries which is excellent. My partner isn't well this week and espeically today because he has a big infectious lump in his face and has a fever and the antibiotics aren't working. It is kind of gross but I just feel so bloody sorry for him - he has his first day of his new job tomorrow and he's scared and he's got a fucking infected growth on his face, I just feel filled with sadness for him. So sad that I show him ZERO affection, zero love. That he is so very unloved. When he came home from work, I was polite but brusque, let's say. And he said you're quiet, are you ok? And I said 'well I'm feeling pissed off, for obvious reasons' (he went out to the shop as normal tonight but only bought 4 bottles of beer so is trying). He then went to the sitting room and cried. I just couldn't bear it. I didn't react. I didn't say anything. I just offered him some pain killers and a hot waterbottle which he declined. I can see how awful he feels for what he's done and I'm just being eaten up inside with guilt with feeling sorry for him. With wanting to look after him. I've got to thinking how much of our problem is my fault. How I convince myself that I 'do everything' but how part of me does it on purpose so I can hate him. I am a fucking martyr. Sometimes he offers to help and I say no - I've learnt to do that because if I let him help then it's like excusing his behaviour, like saying all is well between us. And it gives him ammunition in the bedroom, if he's helped me, then there is an unwritten rule that I then have to be sexual with him. 99% of the time I don't ask for help even when I want it and need it. That's because I dont' want to be in a relationship with someone that I have to ask for 'help' because I don't see it is as my 'role' to be the cleaner and cook and nanny. I work more hours than him and I think 'why the fuck should I have to ask you for 'help' when you should automatically do your share in the house and with the children?'. And I don't ask him to do something with the children because I'm busy thinking' why the fuck should I have to ask you to do something with your children, you should do it automatically'. So it is all my fault. I've created this situation myself. Haven't I? I can't do this, I can't be mean, it's just not me at all. I'm back to feeling like I would rather work myself to death than try and sort this situation out because it's so much easier. I know I'm being pathetic, I just can't stop.

I just feel like, no matter how much I want to split up, no matter how miserable I am, this just isn't bad enough to justify ruining their lives.
You need to start looking at it like "No matter how much I don't want to change this situation, it's too bad to justify ruining their lives." which is exactly what will happen if you force them to live with an alcoholic.

They're both such sensitve girls - the elder one has a terrible temper and gets angry really easily and the younger one can burst into tears when something even slightly goes wrong. But I don't think that's got anything to do with my relationship because from the outside there is NOTHING wrong.
They're not on the outside though. They're living it. Do you really think your children are living in a parallel universe? No, they have grown up in a home with an alcoholic chronic dope smoker and an unhappy mother who is angry, no matter how well you think you hide it. They make not know all the details of what happens when they go to bed, but they are not on the outside. And they have no choice in the matter. You do.

I just saw your last post. Please contact some RL support agencies and get some counselling You may not be able to leave straight away, but you need help and professional support from people who know your situation.

Thank you. What is an RL support agency?

Maybe you are angry because you have this unhappy home life. But you seem to be convinced that only you can sort DH, only you can support him when he as this job interview, only you can care for him when he has this infection on his face. When the best thing for him might be for him to learn to care for himself, find the courage to go to the interview, find fulfillment from being with his DW and family, caring and supporting them, find the courage to fight his demons or whatever causes the drinking.
So maybe you need to take a step back.
But counselling to understand your feelings sounds the best advice.

Sorry if I was a bit pushy in the last post.

I recognise the 'fucking martyr' description as something I did myself, if you swamp yourself with responsibilities then you don't have time to look at your self, your own failings, and if those responsibilities are other people's issues it is (you can tell yourself) beyond your control so you can feel martyred and self-pitying too.

This might not be exactly the same for you OP but this is something I did.

RL means real life

I'm ashamed to admit that I've already had relationship counselling. But it didn't really help. I just couldn't accept that it was right to upset DP when it wasn't his fault he was like this. What am I teaching my DCs if I chuck him out - 'when someone's ill you just get rid of them?' How is that teaching them about compassion and about kindness to a fellow human being. He doesn't hit them, he makes little attempts at conversations. He sometimes offers to help at bedtime but both children refuse to accept his help because they're used to me - is that his fault? He doesn't know how to cook because I've always done all the cooking - is that his fault or mine? He doesn't do anything in the house but he leaves for work at half seven every day and never has a day off sick even though he hates his job. So why should he have to do anything when he comes home? I dont' have to go anywhere to work, I just sit at the computer and sell stuff and yet I expect him to commute and work and help? Isn't that abit unreasonable? I've created this person who is infantile and childlike, needy and anxious by doing everything for him, and now I want to chuck him out becuase I don't like the way he is even thought I 'made' him who he is with my fucked up behaviour!

Thank you Venus - yes I know what you mean totally. I've created a business that is so big that I can't get all the work done without making myself ill. We did need the money but I question my motives too - the making myself this busy so I never have time to feel anything. I never have time to take responsibility for myself - I wear old torn cloths and always look a mess but it's my fault because I was the one who grew the business to breaking point. I complain that I work myself to the bone but at the end of the day, no-ones got a gun to my head. We could just be poor - I don't have to work until I drop. And yet I do.

a hilarious typo just caught my eye - i wear old torn cloths! Ha! Clearly I meant clothes. I can hear the tiniest violin in the world playing. I'm so full of self-pity it's completely nauseating.

Everything he does is his choice. Everything. Including choosing not to get help with his drinking and choosing to steal from you.

I am sorry for whinging and going on and on. And dumping my crap on this forum. Good night all.

Thank you purple. I hadn't thought of that. He does have a choice to get help - there is ALOT of help around here - loads of meetings, lots of treatment centres and counsellors. He just thinks he'll just stop and it will all be fine. Problem is that won't help me - he'll stop but I'll still be codependent and ill.