Planning to split up with my alcoholic partner but filled with doubt and guilt

[SuperAmoo]

Hello all, I've been with my partner for 12 years now. And it's only just becoming apparent that he's an alcoholic. He's not a falling down type. He works full time. He only drinks in the evenings. But he drinks every night until he's drunk and then goes to sleep. And he smokes about 4-5 joints a day. I feel like I'm being SO unreasonable splitting up with him. I've been wanting to split up since the day he moved in - but it's taken me 12 years to feel strong enough to split up. But we have a 4 and a 7 year old together. The second I think of them and how much this will damage them, I just feel like, no matter how much I want to split up, no matter how miserable I am, this just isn't bad enough to justify ruining their lives. They're both such sensitve girls - the elder one has a terrible temper and gets angry really easily and the younger one can burst into tears when something even slightly goes wrong. But I don't think that's got anything to do with my relationship because from the outside there is NOTHING wrong. It's just me that's miserable. But I keep it all in. I'm not cross with them. I am pretty happy really. My life is great apart from this problem. I take them all over the place doing lots of stuff and we have lots of friends. They don't see him drunk - he doesn't fall down. He might sway abit but that's it. But I've worked my arse off with my own business for the past 18 months only to discover that he's spent £3K on booze in 6 months and was hiding the credit card statements. Basically my business isn't that successful and he's drunk ALL the profit I worked so hard to earn. I also do 99% of all household chores and childcare. I confronted him yesterday, he said he was sorry but that he was planning to stop on Sunday because that's the day before his new job starts, and he got drunk tonight as usual. Even though I'd told him his behaviour had devastated me and he said he was 'sorry'. Isn't that abit..odd?

Your poor girls are already trying to fix their parent but that parent is you, not him. They have given up on him already.

They see YOU feeling ill and tired and stressed and they don't know how to make it better.

Do you not realise that this is also what makes them upset and tearful and angry and unsettled and awful?

I understand that you think you are protecting them by sticking with the status quo.

You aren't. I promise you.

Blaming yourself and bigging up your husband whilst simultaneously saying you are splitting is putting you right back at the point of enabling his behaviour and pulling the rug from under them. You are the nearest thing to stability they have and now you are going to lie to their faces and tell them that you are the bad one?? Seriously??

They will already see their father as a negative force in the house. He treats one better than the other? And you let that happen? And your way of dealing with it is to toughen up the older one? How the hell is she ever going to feel selfworth and know what a good (normal) relationship is like if her own mother allows her to be treated like that and her own father is then put on a pedestal?? So confusing and so so damaging.

He isn't a bit unwell. He is an addict. Addiction = selfish and addiction is a dirty, horrible, lonely and self-absorbed place to be. You can't change that. Your poor kids will already know that they can never be good enough for him and neither will you. Do you realise that?? No amount of smoothing over the cracks will change that.

Yes, addiction is an illness of sorts but there are ways of explaining that to your children without either bigging him up or slagging him off or leading them to think you or they are responsible for his actions.

Where does he smoke these joints? At home? When the kids are in bed? In the garden? In the living room? Seriously??

You are very dismissive of al-anon. My experience has been very different to yours and I think perhaps you are hiding behind all this 'not falling over' 'not abusive' stuff because it assuages your own guilt about your inertia.

Stop playing the martyr and start playing the mother.

Have you read the Al Anon 3 act play?? It isn't as long as it sounds but it resonated so well with me and the rest of the family. Here is a link to one version:
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

Oh my god I have just read your last reply.

Let me explain one awful truth.

Many many people brought up in neglectful and abusive families go on to replicate that life again in their choice of partner.

This is what has happened to you. You ARE affected by your neglect and it is heartbreaking to see what little selfworth you have as a result. That is why you are sticking in this horrendous situation.

Do you REALLY want your girls to accept that 'they don't know how good they've got it, frankly' and therefore take pride when they finally realise how awful life can be?

Because believe me, the odds of them following in your sad footsteps are extremely high.
YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO BREAK THAT TERRIBLE CYCLE.

YOU!! Just by taking a stand now and showing them that they can choose to be happy, not just wait to be miserable.

I feel so sad for you right now, and even more sad for your girls

They don't know how good they've got it, frankly.

Oh my god, your poor girls. Not only are they having a really shit time at home with their dad, their mother thinks they are well off!

OP, that comment alone tells me you need serious counselling.

Please please listen to the reactions to y

Your last post.

You have been SO traumatised by your upbringing you can't see that you've replicated it for your poor daughters.

That link I posted describes your role to a T... please read it and the rest of the text on the link.

THE PROVOKER

The third character in this act is the key person in the play, the spouse or parent of the alcoholic, the person with whom the alcoholic lives. This is usually the wife or mother. She is a veteran at this role and has played it much longer than others in the act. She is the Provoker. She is hurt and upset by repeated drinking episodes; but she holds the family together despite all the trouble caused by drinking.

In turn, she feeds back into the marriage her bitterness, resentment, fear and hurt, and so becomes the source of provocation. She controls, she tries to force the changes she wants; she sacrifices, adjusts, never gives up, but never forgets. The attitude of the alcoholic is that his failure should be acceptable, but she must never fail him!! He acts with complete independence and insists he will do as he pleases, and he expects her to do exactly what he tells her to do or not to do. She must be at home when he arrives, if he arrives.

This character might also be called the Adjuster; she is constantly adjusting to the crises and trouble caused by drinking. The alcoholic blames her for everything that goes wrong with the home and the marriage; she tries everything possible to make her marriage work to prove he is wrong. She is wife and housekeeper and may, in addition, feel compelled to earn part of the bread. Living with a man whose illness is alcoholism, she attempts to be the nurse, doctor and counselor. She cannot play these three roles without hurting herself and her husband. She is so upset that she cannot talk to her husband without adding more guilt, bitterness, resentment or hostility to the situation, which is already almost unbearable. Yet the customs of our society train and condition the wife to play this role. If she does not, she finds herself going against what family and society regard as the wife’s role. No matter what the alcoholic does, he ends up "at home’: this is where everyone goes when there is no other place to go.

They don't have a good life. You didn't have a good childhood either. You are very damaged, unable to see your situation for what it is and need help and support. It doesn't have to be al-Anon.

You are failing your children at the moment. You have the power to put a stop to the hell you're all in. Do it.

"I just can't bring myself to be vulnerable in front of anyone if I'm honest".

How much can you admit to yourself that you are vulnerable?

Did you learn as a child to always be strong? Not to rely on others because they won't be there for you?
Is this what you want for your DC?

Hi op I have not read all the msgs on here but wanted to give you a bit of insight to my story. My h has got addiction problems which if he isn't using one substance he will use another. I was with him for 11 yrs and had not affected his ability to work until this year, he also lied to me about how bad the situation was telling me he was going through depression. For the past 2 years I have struggled to want to be near him although did get pregnant b him whilst I was pregnant he got worse. we have three children together now and I have split with him. it all came to a head when he could no longer function properly lost his job and had people coming after him. unfortunately it took me so long thinking I could help him showing him diff places to access help that it dragged me down. My 2 older children (7&5) did pick up tho on the fact that there dad didn't interact with them like others dads do and my oldest also told his dad that when he got older he wanted to be like him at 33 'Lazy'. All these little things made me wake up and realise that what he was doing was hurting his children not violent but emotionally and socially. They still have a relationship with him and I have not told them why we have separated just that we cant make each other happy any longer. it is hard cos as others have pointed out I have realised that although addiction is an illness it has also been his decisions as well, cos he has not followed for any help. I hope you can come to a decision but pls be aware that even if our children are not physically be damaged by their fathers they are emotionally as they do notice more than we give them credit for xx

But I am categorically NOT traumatised by it.

You should ask yourself if you are not traumatised why you are putting up with his behaviour and allowing your children to be exposed daily to it.

" I just accepted it then and I accept it now."

As your children will when they end up with shit partners because they don't know any better.

Please listen to the excellent advice on here. You have to break the cycle. You and your children deserve so much better.

I'm sorry, but you appear to still be in denial about your partner. It is not normal behaviour, It is not acceptable behaviour. Stop enabling him.

I don't agree with you that much harm is coming to my children. The harm is happening to me. Just because you've got an absent parent doesn't make you a fuck-up. They don't know any different so how would it make any difference to them? They get loads of a attention from me and I am NEVER EVER EVER negative or sad or cross with them - I keep that to myself - I keep it all in which is why I'm getting ill. We're constantly laughing and singing songs and having a nice time - I make sure of that EVERY DAY. They are not traumatised or neglected or hard done by at all. I could only have fucking dreamt of the stuff they have and all the love and attention and affection they get. I got ZERO affection as a child - my own mother never touched me when I was growing up. She hugged me for the first time since I was a little girl, when I was 19 years old! It is a fucking miracle that I am able to show my children so much love and patience and affection as I do. It is ME that is suffering. Not them.

Please re-read my post at 12:38.

Nobody is saying you are directly harming your children, but they are living in a harmful environment. THEY ARE, not just you.

Denial as well is a powerful force.

Your innate co-dependency needs are being met by this man; that's probably why you have stayed to date. Your own overwhelming responsibility felt towards him is having a real and deleterious effect on both you and your children. You would still want to put him first and are happy currently to sacrifice both your happiness as well as your children's on his altar.

The harm is happening to them as well via you; one child has already given up on their dad and talks about him with disdain and the less favoured child realises all too clearly that her sister is being favoured by her drunkard of a father. You can deny it all you like but they are being emotionally scarred here (just as you yourself were).

I am also not altogether surprised to read that your own childhood was dysfunctional at the hands of parents one of whom drank heavily. You're basically now replicating the past, history is indeed repeating itself here. Your girls will likely grow up to be exactly the same as you are now if you do not act. They go to other people's houses; they know all too well that "normal" families do not have a drunkard for a parent nor does that parent not take any real notice of them.

You learnt all this from your own childhood, they taught you about alcoholism and co-dependency. It is of no surprise to me that you found yourself a drunkard and a drug user because you saw in him the same level of damage. One damaged person + one damaged person = two damaged people. That's what your girls are seeing now and are very likely to replicate the same dysfunctional lives as adults.

I think that is a lie you have had to tell yourself in order to survive staying in the relationship, but of course I am not there seeing your children. The reason that people have pointed out the damage they think is likely to be caused to your children isn't to make you feel more rubbish about not ending it sooner but to encourage you to see that staying is not a painless option for them, so while the break up might cause short term distruption, the end result of a home where they and their mother can be safe and calm is worthwhile.

However, now that you have choosen to end the relationship, I'm not sure whether it matters whether your motivation is improving their lives (which you don't think are THAT bad) or your life (which you sometimes think isn't THAT bad and sometimes think is THAT bad), the point is that you have realised that things are not going to get any better for you (and we think for your children too) unless you end the relationship. Its okay to do it for yourself. But we think that you will find they will enjoy having a mum who is safe and happy, and this will improve their lives too.

So, what's the plan? What are the practical steps you need to take that will help you to end the relationship and stop living with him?

You sound like you have done so much to try and give your daughters an emotionally healthy upbringing when you lacked one yourself. Not living with an addict is the next thing they need, even if you can't see how things would be different for them, you can't picture it because their lives seem normal, even good compared to what you had.

Please do consider counselling, I think it would help you, but so will not living with an abusive addict which is probably the more urgent thing, so if you can do it without counselling by all means go ahead.

You think your girls are lucky because they are only living in a grade b shit situation, when you grew up in a grade a one?
All children deserve a childhood free from bad treatment. That is their right. It's not a privilege, as you seem to think.

I guess that I'm scared that I won't be able to give them anything better a 'grade b shit situation' on my own. So in a way it's preferrable to stay because maybe on my own, maybe I'll fall apart. Maybe I get ill and won't be able to look after them? Maybe I'll become angry and cross all the time because I'm on my own. I don't quite trust myself

I do have dodgy health so it's not surprising that I'm worried about that but I suspect he may have planted seeds of doubt in my mind whether subconsciously or not, about my ability to take of myself and our children without him.

You're already doing 99% of it aren't you! Plus you are overcompensating for his shitness. You will be an even better mum than you are now because you won't be wasting all this emotional energy protecting your girls from him and denying your pain xx

Also if you do get ill (even if "just" a bad cold) it is easier to ask others for help if you are on your own, then if you have another supposedly able bodied adult at home.

Your health may improve once you don't have him around too. Its "surprising" how often that happens.

Sorry you had a bad childhood, it does sound awful, but you're in denial about the impact living with your partner is having on your daughters. It doesn't matter how great you are and how much you devote to them, they are still living in a crap situation, because of his behaviour and your choice to stay.

Sadly his addictions come above you all, which is already clear to his daughters. The onus is on you to put them, not him, first.

You are strong enough to live alone with them.

Thank you everyone. I am going to do it. I guess I'm using this forum abit to get the bad stuff in my head out - I'm sorry if sounds like I'm dumping my shit on everyone. I just want to have a clear head when I talk to him. I don't want him to be able to pull the wool over my eyes yet again. He happens to have MS but it is relatively benign - the only major symptom is faitgue, also some mild speech problems and some loss of balance. But he uses it as a weapon against me if I confront him - he says I don't know how tired he is (he always has plenty of energy to meet his dealer or go to the shop to buy beer) and he says he 'has' to smoke weed. It's a grey area - I have no idea how ill he actually is. Atleast if I'm feeling abit stronger, he won't be able to wind me in again with his sob story about his ms.

But I am categorically NOT traumatised by it. It is what it is

But you are and you need to realise this.
You are putting your DC in exactly the same position you were in and they in turn will do exactly the same.

Others have put this much better than me but you see the cycle - surely????

I'm glad you are now ready to get him out.
You need to do it fast as well and you need to get yourself some counselling.

You will be fine with your DCs. Actually you be amazed at how much relief you will feel and how much healthier you will be away from this leech.

As the saying goes:
"If you don't get on the carousel, you won't go round in circles"
Time to get off and give your DDs the chance of 'normal' healthy relationships as they grow up.

You are the teacher so teach them well.

"He comes home from work. He goes to the shop. I cook him tea and he eats it, then he sits in front of the telling, drinks till he's fairly drunk and then goes to bed and he does that every night plus he smokes weed alot. Hardly traumatic for a child."

You dont think?

I imagine my husband do that, instead of helping our children with arts and crafts projects, instead of taking them to the pool, instead of helping them with homework, instead finding a movie to watch with them, instead of taking them for a cycle ride, our children would find watching dad sit on his bum and drink alcohol every night would be quite traumatic.

The difference is that my children is not used to this, yours are.

He is not actually a role model for them, not as a dad, or a husband, or a man for that matter!