Planning to split up with my alcoholic partner but filled with doubt and guilt

[SuperAmoo]

Hello all, I've been with my partner for 12 years now. And it's only just becoming apparent that he's an alcoholic. He's not a falling down type. He works full time. He only drinks in the evenings. But he drinks every night until he's drunk and then goes to sleep. And he smokes about 4-5 joints a day. I feel like I'm being SO unreasonable splitting up with him. I've been wanting to split up since the day he moved in - but it's taken me 12 years to feel strong enough to split up. But we have a 4 and a 7 year old together. The second I think of them and how much this will damage them, I just feel like, no matter how much I want to split up, no matter how miserable I am, this just isn't bad enough to justify ruining their lives. They're both such sensitve girls - the elder one has a terrible temper and gets angry really easily and the younger one can burst into tears when something even slightly goes wrong. But I don't think that's got anything to do with my relationship because from the outside there is NOTHING wrong. It's just me that's miserable. But I keep it all in. I'm not cross with them. I am pretty happy really. My life is great apart from this problem. I take them all over the place doing lots of stuff and we have lots of friends. They don't see him drunk - he doesn't fall down. He might sway abit but that's it. But I've worked my arse off with my own business for the past 18 months only to discover that he's spent £3K on booze in 6 months and was hiding the credit card statements. Basically my business isn't that successful and he's drunk ALL the profit I worked so hard to earn. I also do 99% of all household chores and childcare. I confronted him yesterday, he said he was sorry but that he was planning to stop on Sunday because that's the day before his new job starts, and he got drunk tonight as usual. Even though I'd told him his behaviour had devastated me and he said he was 'sorry'. Isn't that abit..odd?

I know you worry that you'll fall to pieces if its just you and the children, but you are already doing pretty much everything you will do as a single parent except then you won't have the pressure of trying to hide his drinking and stop it affecting the children. You'll be able to relax in your home, and ask for help when you need it from others, which you couldn't do before because it meant admitting that he wasn't helping you, that things weren't alright at home. If you find things hard, you can speak to your friend and your sister, resume counselling, go to your GP, or go to the CoDA as the person who is getting better. Whatever works.

All that energy you are expending on taking care of and protecting him, you'll be able to spend on you and your daughters. You missed out on love and care from your parents, maybe you can't go back in a time machine and make up for that, but you can give yourself love and care now and in the future. You can do little things for yourself, to nurture yourself and hopefully improve your health too. What you were missing as a child you can give to yourself as an adult.

I'm so glad that you have confided in your close friend and your sister. It is so reassuring that you'll have people who can help you out emotionally and practically with the seperation - especially as your friend has experience in this area. Of course your family thought he was brilliant before, you were hiding how bad he was and probably giving them the excuses you were giving us about him working hard etc.

Sorry that you were abused and didn't have anyone to confide in. That is awful. You might find counselling or therapy more helpful now that you are begining to be able to feel emotions. If you feel that their silence is saying that it was okay, its worth telling them that. They might change how they interact with you, or at least they might encourage you to think about why it is a problem for you. Its quite all right btw to ask to see a different therapist, its a really difficult thing opening up about a load of personal stuff, they understand that you need to find someone you can trust.

Consider having someone (family/friend) with you when you tell him that its over. It gives him much less scope to manipulate or bully you, puts him on his "public" persona and means there is someone to call for help if things were to turn nasty. And of course there's always the police if he threatens to harm anyone (including himself).

Have you read The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed ?

I haven't yet, partly because I know my mum loves me and I get on well with her as an adult and I don't know how ready I am to think about how I feel about how she was when I was growing up - she wasn't horrible, or anything, but a lot of the time she just wasn't there or was distant. She was depressed and my dad was/is emotionally abusive. So I think that he, either in his bullying or at other times in his "fun dad" persona, just totally eclipsed her emotionally in my life.

But I think I will read it one day, because in counselling I spent a lot of time talking about my dad and I'd get asked "what about your mum?" and I had nothing to say, I couldn't think of anything good or bad about her in relation to me. I guess because she was depressed and working full time and looking after a large family and dealing with my dad's verbal abuse but it is sad. In turn, as an adult she's told me that she couldn't remember her mum ever hugging her, she supposes that it must have happened, but she can't remember it.

It sounds like the sort of title that might apply to you and help you begin to heal from the lack of affection from your mum. Though obviously I don't know if its any good. Sorry for the personal sidetrack.

[For clarification I'm not saying that working full time is terrible nor is having a big family, but in combination with one EA parent and the other one being depressed, it probably meant there wasn't much time or energy for me.]

OP, as mentioned earlier, I kicked my dp of 12 years out almost 2 weeks ago. Believe me, it is easier alone. I was doing everything by myself for dd (4 months) so I'm not missing anything. And in fact, it's so much easier not worrying about him coming back and being drunk. And once you start telling more people, they'll also be supportive. I've had some lovely offers of help from some very unexpected sources. My only regret is not doing it sooner. I now realise just how badly treated I was in this relationship (and the one before it). If I can do it, after not thinking I was worth standing up for my entire adult life, then I promise you can too. Stay strong. I'll be thinking of you. x

Thank you DressingGown. I'm having another wobble today. DP is being really nice and helping lots. I know I should be angry because he's only helping for selfish reasons but it's still hard to keep going down the 'splitting up' path when he's being like this. Now my head is just going 'well you have made abit of mountain out of a molehill because he doesn't drink that much'. I haven't ever had to 'worry' about his drinking because he's hasn't got that thing that 'true alchoholics' have where when one drink leads to another and another and another and they can't control how much they drink. DP drinks exactly the same amount each night and goes to sleep. He never goes out to buy more and sometimes he doesn't have to drink all the bottles he's bought. But the fact is that, even though it's not much (typically 6-8 bottles of lager a night), he HAS to do it. Even if he's ill, or if I'm ill, or he has an interview in the morning, or he has to get up early for something, or even if I've just told him that he's been found out and I'm devastated'. So is he an alcoholic? I just don't know. Lots of ppl have mentioned 'covering up or trying to hide' their alcoholics drinking which I've never had to do. Drinking 6-8 bottles of lager a night is something that hundreds of thousands of people do and think nothing of it. Plus he would argue that he's not drunk or hungover. I would probably agree with that, that he isn't that drunk, it's the combination of drinking and smoking constant joints that makes him look out of it. So is it just me who has the problem - maybe I just don't like him and I'm trying to find a reason to split up so I'm making a massive thing about him drinking? He doesn't go out, he doesn't buy clothes, he doesn't have any hobbies. The only thing he spends money on is tobacco, weed and beer. So what the hell am I complaining about? I feel like I'm just being hysterical and unreasonable and a total t**t basically.

You're faced with an easy choice and the right choice. The easy choice is to minimise his behaviour, doubt yourself, blame yourself. rationalise the situation, make excuses and maintain the status quo. It's the line of least resistance... more of the same. Any of us who have had partners with alcohol or similar problems have made similar arguments... plenty of other people get pissed/stoned, why am I so up tight? etc. But life is short. Don't waste it making excuses for someone that doesn't deserve it.

But the fact is that, even though it's not much (typically 6-8 bottles of lager a night)

It is a lot in my book. Anything above two would worry me, if every day.
Only, you are already used to it. And used to minimise it.

If he of any use while he is drinking? Will he wake up during the night?
And, as you said, he needs them.

That he drinks that much and he's not drunk or hangover says a lot too.

He doesn't go out, he doesn't buy clothes, he doesn't have any hobbies. The only thing he spends money on is tobacco, weed and beer. So what the hell am I complaining about?

You have to ask?
He has no life, but drink and weed.
He has no interests, but drink and weed.

Why would he buy clothes? Why is not buying clothes better than not buying alcohol and weed or tobacco? Clothes don't destroy his liver, or his brain, or his lungs.

He doesn't drink socially. He drinks alone in the house, regardless. Because he needs it.

If there are people who need 6-8 cans of lager every single day, they need help.

From the CDC website:

What do you mean by heavy drinking?
For men, heavy drinking is typically defined as consuming an average of more than 2 drinks per day, or more than 14 drinks per week. For women, heavy drinking is typically defined as consuming an average of more than 1 drink per day, or more than 7 drinks per week.

What is the difference between alcoholism and alcohol abuse?
Alcohol abuse is a pattern of drinking that results in harm to one’s health, interpersonal relationships, or ability to work. Manifestations of alcohol abuse include the following:
Failure to fulfill major responsibilities at work, school, or home.
Drinking in dangerous situations, such as drinking while driving or operating machinery.
Legal problems related to alcohol, such as being arrested for drinking while driving or for physically hurting someone while drunk.
Continued drinking despite ongoing relationship problems that are caused or worsened by drinking.
Long-term alcohol abuse can turn into alcohol dependence.

Dependency on alcohol, also known as alcohol addiction and alcoholism, is a chronic disease. The signs and symptoms of alcohol dependence include—
A strong craving for alcohol.
Continued use despite repeated physical, psychological, or interpersonal problems.
The inability to limit drinking.

6-8 bottles of lager every single night without fail is not normal.

He's spent 3K in 6 months on booze. 500 quid a month. A sum that equates to the entire profit from your business. You are working to keep him in drugs.

It doesn't matter if he is a 'true alcoholic' (a term which doesn't exist for a good reason) - he's a problem drinker. He drinks, your problem. You can't fix his drinking but you can fix the fact it's your problem.

Also check the NHS website

And re-read your OP.

he's drunk ALL the profit I worked so hard to earn.
I also do 99% of all household chores and childcare

If you don't want to leave now, see how long he keeps up the "good behaviour". You will need to leave at the first sign of problems. Otherwise it will only get worse.

Thank you for that info. I'm so glad I have you all to put the situation into perspective. My parents, my sisters and closest friend have all said that his drinking is totally normal and I'm being unreasonable, in the past. It's really comforting to finally have someone take my side for once and not defend him, thereby making me feel like a nothing who doesn't matter.

I'm shocked so many people close to you think 5+ bottles a night is normal. Maybe for a student. And even then they'd have days off to study, be ill, or generally recharge. But that's young people (still abusing their bodies!) with no real commitments. :-/
Surely he's tired? His quality of sleep much be crap. Has he ever had blood tests to check if he needs thiamine and/or vit b compound tablets? Even for relatively "light" alcoholics/abusers (a kind term!) these may be needed.

Sending you all the strength I can muster via tinternets.

A bottle of lager is around 2 units (sometimes more). He's consuming 12-16 units a night! 84-112 units a week! Who thinks that's normal? Because their perception of normal is way way off.
He's not a partner. He's not an equal. You can limp along in this shit non-relationship, coexisting in the same house for years if you want. You will get more and more resentful and you will set an awful example for your children.
Or you can woman up and take the plunge.
Just think - your friends who believe that much alcohol is normal must have got that idea from somewhere. Where? Because by bringing up your kids with someone who drinks that much, daily, without fail, and is never challenged on it - that's what you are teaching them. You and he are normalising extremely heavy drinking.

You've also said that he looks 'out of it' but he's not drunk! What? Of course he's drunk after that much alcohol. He might give the veneer or functioning but would you trust him to drive a car? Or look after your kids? Hopefully not. So he's drunk.
XH would sometimes get drunk and stoned at the same time. It's a special kind of disgusting IMO. I couldn't bear to look at him when he was like that. Any you have to every night :(

"My parents, my sisters and closest friend have all said that his drinking is totally normal and I'm being unreasonable, in the past".

Your parents were and remain pretty poor role models; why are you at all listening to anything that they happen to utter?. I am also horrified that they actually have thought this amount is "normal". Its anything but.

Also all of these people do not live with this man, they are not seeing the day to day reality.

Who is more important to you, him or your children?. The easy choice is to stay with him, the harder path is to get away from him altogether because he is dragging you and your children down with him now.

Right. I have been reading this thread for the last couple of days and there is so much good advice. Attila, as ever, is spot on with her advice and ELAF has just said what I was going to about the amount of units being consumed here which as way in excess of anything 'normal'.

SuperAmoo, your posts could have been written by me 5 years ago, when the full impact of my husband's alcoholism was becoming apparent. Your description of behaviours in your relationship, and the obvious lurching between clarity on his alcoholism back to thinking you are over-reacting was something i did all the time. Again, my husband was another highly functioning, intelligent person here whose DD has no idea that drink was the reason behind her dad being frequently moody and spending half the weekend asleep on the sofa. She know her parents weren't getting on, that I was regularly upset and angry and she eventually talked to me about us needing to leave. What finally started me on the path to leaving was overhearing my H talking to my DD (about something else), but using the same manipulative language he had used with me for years about drink, and turning things on her so that she would feel that she was the one in the wrong. That's when I realised that staying would do her far greater harm than leaving.

My H died from liver disease and related health issues before we actually left.

That was well over two years ago. We have both been left with a lot of guilt over and above normal grief. He had alienated the majority of his family members by the time he died, but I know now that was a symptom of the alcoholism and am finally able to grieve for - and miss - the man he was before the drink took hold.

My one regret is that I didn't leave him far sooner as mabye that would have shocked him into seeking help.

However, the bottom line is that your decision to leave or not, will have no impact on whether carries on drinking, even if he says otherwise. He will only stop if he wants to, and if he doesn't he will carry on regardless whether you are with him or not.

Now a few years down the line, I have found a normality. While my DD and I will always live with the loss of a husband and father, there is no doubt that life is now easier. I no longer feel sick with anxiety when I drive home. I no longer dread weekends. I don't spend my life waiting for the next disaster and I no longer panic about money being drunk away. I still find myself sometimes, reading quietly on a weekend afternoon and just having a sense of peace that I hadn't known for years.

Finally, thank you to the poster who said that while alcoholism is an illness, it is not an illness you can stand by and support. This - ie wanting leave someone who was ill - has haunted me for years. Suddenly the penny dropped that yes, in this illness, if you stand by and support you are actually enabling, covering up and helping the drinker to carry on. Alcoholics thrive on justification and sympathy. They also like to blame those closest to them for the their condition. Can you imagine someone saying to you 'if only you were nicer then I wouldn't have cancer' or 'you have driven me to having this heart attack by being so cold and angry'?

You would realise that such statements were nonsense. They are no less ridiculous when you replace the words cancer and heart attack with alcoholism and drinking.

newstarticus, I'm very sorry to hear that your husband has died. Please don't spend too much time wondering if your leaving sooner could have been the shock that sent him to treatment - it might have done, or he might have used it as evidence that his self-hatred was justified and that drinking was the only way to deal with it. He might have phrased it as 'now that they've gone what reason have I got to try and recover?' - we addicts are bloody good at making up plausible reasons to carry on, less good at just stopping. He made his choices and I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you tribpot. Knowing my husband, he would have, as you say, gone down the route of using my leaving as another excuse to drink. He was so far away from accepting a future without alcohol that I doubt anything would have made a difference.

OP I'm sorry I have not had the chance to read all the replies you've had so I may be saying something lots of others already have. Your dh's drinking is very likely to get worse, not better. Staying with him will be the thing that ruins their lives. I say this as a child of an alcoholic and my mum also thought leaving my dad would be worse for us. Believe me , witnessing my mum being emotionally and mentally abused and ground down to the point where she was unable to function was far far worse than the alternative. The positive is that she did eventually leave him and while it has taken many years of therapy and him actually dying (from alcoholism) to set her free she is now the happiest she has ever been. Her only regret is that she didn't leave him sooner. Her life has passed her by. By the way we also all did the AA/ Al-anon thing and it worked wonders for my mum (gave her the strength to let go ) but my dad wasn't in the slightest bit interested so it's horses for courses. Good luck with your future please keep your kids' emotional well being at the forefront of your decisions!

Thank you everyone. I am so grateful for everyone's continued support. Tonight was 'the' night. It was supposed to be his first drink-free night before his new job starts tomorrow. But he started pacing the floor earlier going from room to room, and I knew what was about to happen. He went out and came home with more beer than usual - because he said, he was so nervous about starting his new job tomorrow, and because his face hurts much (to be fair his infection in his face is getting worse but probably because his body is so run-down from all that drinking). So there's ALWAYS an excuse. The new job was supposed to be the reason for stopping not drinking more. I am really starting to grasp now how he's taking us all down with us. He's going to lose this stupid job and there's nothing on earth I can do to stop it happening. So I am getting out now. I feel so so sad for him, having alcoholism but I see that I can feel sad for him and still ask him to leave. Why should we all suffer just because he is? He might not have the choice as to whether he drinks or not, but he can choose to drive two minutes up the road to the AA meeting. It's sad too because he's suddenly making so much effort with DD1, and they're getting along so well, I feel sad for her - she's finally got what she wants but only because he's on the back-foot and terrified he's pushed me too far. Little does he know that there's nothing he could do now to change my mind. I'm letting him do a couple of days of his new job so he can get over the first-day nerves and then I'm going to tell him to look for somewere else. Gulp. I wish I didn't have to carry on living with him after I've told him it's over, but there's absolutely no alternative. I run my own business from home, I hold a huge stock, it's selling like hotcakes because it's christmas stuff and so I'm tied to the house and can't go anywhere, not even for a day. And until he's got a place to go, he's stuck here too. Porkward, as my sister would say.

Please understand - he doesn't 'have' alcoholism. It's not like the flu. He is choosing to do this. He was severely agitated by the prospect of no alcohol tonight, which suggests a physical dependency but it doesn't matter.

There will never be a good time to tell him it's over. Please don't wait until you've lost your nerve.

Sorry I've just realised I left out a bit - newstarticus I'm very sorry to hear what happened in the end, with your husband. But thank you for posting about it because it all really helps me to cut through the crap. Sometimes I feel abit like I'm suffocating in cotton wool or treacle or something. I have a moment of clarity and see the situation as it is and then the cotton wool quickly smothers me again and fills my head so I can't think again. Particularly when I'm around DP and especially if we find something funny and laugh together, it makes me feel like I've invented it all and all is well. Then I read a post like yours and the cotton wool thinking recedes again and see everything the way it really is. It all really makes a difference to me. Thank you everyone.

tribpot I do take your point about 'having' an addiction but I totally disagree - I believe that addicts are born addicts and that the disease of addition is what they 'have'. I don't know why I'm saying 'they' as I'm an addict too. I too believe that I 'have' a disease called addiction and it's bloody unfair to me that other people don't have it. Non-addicts aren't better because they 'choose' not to abuse some substance or other - to me, they haven't achieved anything by not using to excess. If someone is able to choose then they don't 'have the disease of addiction, IMHO. What I would say to non-addicts who think that any type of addict can 'choose' not to use is 'ok hold your breath, do you feel like you need to breathe? That's how an addict feels'. If it isn't like that for you then you're only a 'heavy user' - you can indeed decide whether to use or not. But the 'genuine alcoholic' cannot choose, they have totally lost the power of choice. I would challenge anyone to read the AA Big Book and find anything that contradicts what I'm saying. The guys who founded AA DO make the distinction between heavy drinker and 'true' alcoholic. A true alcoholic 'has' alcoholism. I'm sorry to sound like I've got on a soapbox but it's a topic that is close to my heart. And it's why DP is such an enigma when it comes to alcoholism because I just can't figure out if he 'chooses' to use because he doesn't want to stop or if he can't stop. But I'm tired of trying to figure it out now. Now I'm ready to go.