Planning to split up with my alcoholic partner but filled with doubt and guilt

[SuperAmoo]

Hello all, I've been with my partner for 12 years now. And it's only just becoming apparent that he's an alcoholic. He's not a falling down type. He works full time. He only drinks in the evenings. But he drinks every night until he's drunk and then goes to sleep. And he smokes about 4-5 joints a day. I feel like I'm being SO unreasonable splitting up with him. I've been wanting to split up since the day he moved in - but it's taken me 12 years to feel strong enough to split up. But we have a 4 and a 7 year old together. The second I think of them and how much this will damage them, I just feel like, no matter how much I want to split up, no matter how miserable I am, this just isn't bad enough to justify ruining their lives. They're both such sensitve girls - the elder one has a terrible temper and gets angry really easily and the younger one can burst into tears when something even slightly goes wrong. But I don't think that's got anything to do with my relationship because from the outside there is NOTHING wrong. It's just me that's miserable. But I keep it all in. I'm not cross with them. I am pretty happy really. My life is great apart from this problem. I take them all over the place doing lots of stuff and we have lots of friends. They don't see him drunk - he doesn't fall down. He might sway abit but that's it. But I've worked my arse off with my own business for the past 18 months only to discover that he's spent £3K on booze in 6 months and was hiding the credit card statements. Basically my business isn't that successful and he's drunk ALL the profit I worked so hard to earn. I also do 99% of all household chores and childcare. I confronted him yesterday, he said he was sorry but that he was planning to stop on Sunday because that's the day before his new job starts, and he got drunk tonight as usual. Even though I'd told him his behaviour had devastated me and he said he was 'sorry'. Isn't that abit..odd?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You wrote this initially:-

"They're both such sensitve girls - the elder one has a terrible temper and gets angry really easily and the younger one can burst into tears when something even slightly goes wrong"

They're both being affected emotionally and you refuse to see it. Denial is truly a powerful force. And in your case a destructive one. You put your dysfunctional home life and this man now before them no matter how it is dressed up as justification. You are bringing down destruction upon your own self and you as parents are failing them miserably. Just as you in particular was failed by your own abusive parents. The cycle of misery thus continues; your children will not somehow emerge unscathed as adults. They will likely hate him if he's not already dead by then or has left you penniless because he's drunk it all away - and you also for failing to protect them and put them before him.

[Loopytiles]

Wow. Denial!

Wonder what al-anon/co-dependency no more say about the argument that living with an alcoholic isn't damaging to children. Or that drinking every single night and smoking loads of weed and failing to parent is fine. Crazy logic.

There's a thread on here "adult children of alcoholics", for a start. How arrogant to demand "evidence", it's bloody obvious!

Storing the kids' stuff: get a ground floor flat with access to a garden or shed. We used to have a one bed flat in London, with no garden but loft storage and small shed in front garden. No piano, but could've found a space for one. Amazing what you can squeeze in.

Stock for business: seek cheap storage. If it's to become a viable business this would soon be necessary anyway, if it's not viable and just pin money your energy would be better directed to finding more lucrative employment.

Small pets should be Ok in a flat. As for getting a dog, why do that, taking on a big responsibiliity when you have a health issue and have lots on and your P can't be relied upon even to look after his DC?

As for buying your sister's house, your sister doesn't sound all that reliable, and why tie yourself to your DP with a shared mortgage (giant debt)? When he is in a new job that he could be fired from?

Why rely on him financially when he isn't reliable as a father or partner?

Fear of poverty and worse financial situation is understandable, but you may well be financially OK.

[spudalicious]

"They're both such sensitve girls - the elder one has a terrible temper and gets angry really easily and the younger one can burst into tears when something even slightly goes wrong"

My DD was like this. Both traits. I left her alcoholic (and he was - and his drinking was a LOT like your partner's) dad 9 months ago.

She is now no longer like this. She doesn't blame herself all the time. She doesn't freak at out everything. She very rarely gets angry (likes a grumble mind you). You are fooling yourself if you think your children are not affected by living like this. Sure you don't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear it. Doesn't make it wrong though.

And also, you're fooling yourself if you think your kids don't know that their mum isn't happy. No one can fake real happiness. I'm a happy person, I always have been. Until I lived with an alcoholic and his skewed priorities. I was a sad, sad person faking happiness in my crappy relationship and everyone knew it. People I barely know tell me how happy I look now - without even knowing my circumstances have changed. No miracles have happened, I'm just not being dragged down any more.

I have a lot less money. It's not easy. But I wouldn't swap the extra income for the life we existed in before. No way. No way at all. I feel sick at the thought.

[ChangingWoman]

You are coming across as utterly deluded. This is an observation rather than a criticism. Please stop and take a step back.

Do your own research as per my earlier post. Even something simple using the local library and googlescholar. Why should we do it for you? You and your children are the ones living a totally miserable and wretched life.

Why don't you go out and find the proof that living with an abusive alcoholic father isn't damaging if you're so sure?

You're an intelligent woman - start reading and look the evidence in the face.

[Loopytiles]

It's daunting, contemplating being a single parent, but there's a lot you can do to allay some of the concerns. Seek RL support (not from your complex family!), get info on benefits and finances, housing options, job/training options, CSA estimates.

It must already be lonely and hard to see friends and family if you can never leave your DC alone with their father.

You wouldn't "lose" the house, as things stand your sister could decide to sell it at any time, or you might be unable to get a mortgage, and wouldn't own it even if you got a mortgage with your DP, but would be legally tied to him.

[EBearhug]

Or risk your DS drinking himself to liver failure.

This one - do you want your child to be the one who finds him when he's thrown up blood everywhere? Because that's one of the things which can happen with liver failure, and believe me, it's traumatic enough when you're an adult with first aid training. And no one outside of the family would have been aware just how much my mother drank - she held down a job and was always available to give us lifts to and from our evening activities.

It'll probably be a some while before it gets to that stage, though, so please read all the other posts where everyone is pointing out how you're in denial. Please don't put your children through all this. Poverty is rubbish, no one's denying that. But living with an alcoholic parent is far, far worse.

[ahandfulofnames]

My dead wasn't an alcoholic, I think, but he liked to drink several times a week also smoke, just cigarettes, every day. Both of these things impacted on the family finances. I think it came down to what he wanted, to drink and smoke, basically selfish behaviour.

I have a brother and sister. My sister has been in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 20 years, my brother has been in an abusive relationship for over ten years. That's how one person's selfishness in a marriage can affect the children, maybe not in childhood, but later on.

My parents are still together, my ddad gets his own way still. My dmum makes excuses for my db and dsis's relationships.

I read on mn a few weeks ago that living in this kind of situation is hard and leaving is hard, so choose your hard. Sorry to whoever said that for copying it, badly.

[spudalicious]

I think the 'choose your hard' idea is a very useful one. I'd also say - although it's cheesey that doing a hard thin that feels like the right thing to do is a lot easier than do

[spudalicious]

Than doing a hard thing that feels all wrong.

Gah - bloody phone - pressed go too soon.

[SuperAmoo]

Thank you everyone. I'm really really struggling. I feel like I'm going totally mad. I've got 5 members of my family telling me 'don't be a fool, don't throw everything away'. Because me and DP have been working our arses off for 8 long years to get to this point where we can buy the house. We've finally reached the point where we can buy it from my sister and now I'm going to throw it all away and take 50 steps back, financially, and live in a flat again. I know it's just a material thing, I know I must sound pathetic but I've been SO looking forward to this moment and now it's just fucking crumbling in my hands. I know I'm sounding deluded and defensive and all those things. I just don't want this to be happening to me. I don't want to be wallowing in self pity and saying poor me but I HAVE had such a tough life so far and just as I thought it was going to get better, it's getting worse again and I just can't bear it. I know I shouldn't justify his behaviour but that's why I do it. I just want something nice to happen to me. He drank again lastnight - I've been doing 100% of everything this week because he has an infected cyst on his face and is on antibiotics and painkillers and is in alot of pain and is feeling ill. He is going to work but then he's feeling exhausted when he comes home. So even though I've found it hard not to be resentful, given the circumstancs, I've tried to be kind and help him. So yesterday I ran round like a blue-arsed fly taking DCs to parties, to trick/treating, doing all the household stuff, getting my orders to the post office, etc etc. Then this morning I discover that while I was doing that he was drinking. Now 50% of my brain says that is revolting behaviour, and a perfect example of what you're all talking about. Then the other 50% of my brain says, he's in agony (because the painkillers aren't working) and of course he's going to resort to drinking, because he's in so much pain. So which is it? I feel so mad. I just don't know anymore.

[SuperAmoo]

I like 'choose your hard' by the way, that does help me to see that I can't make a wrong decision in some ways because both the choices are shit. So I should go with my gut. And my gut does say run away quick.

[LisaMed]

Alcohol interfere with how many antibiotics work. His drinking will probably prolong the pain.

[SuperAmoo]

I said that to my sister and she said, though maybe she's wrong, that the reason they say don't drink with antibiotics is because you might forget to tak them if you're drunk/hungover and also if you drink too much and you're sick, then you'll miss a dose. So in this case I can't say look what an idiot he's being, because drinking 4 bottles of beer doesn't make any difference to the antibiotics. It's more the principle that's wrong.

[spudalicious]

I really would disregard what your family has to say on the matter. They aren't living your relationship. They don't know your day-to-day existence as you do.

I do know what you mean about feeling like you've reached a point where you should be able to be happy. When I left my ex it was (from the outside) probably the most stable I'd been in my adult life. I'd recovered from cancer and the mental aftermath of having it in my early 30s, he'd just got his first stable job in years, my DD was settled in school, we had a nice house and an income we could easily manage on. I think maybe it was because there was finally no other trauma to focus on that I could really see how the rest of my life was starting to pan out. Then I started to emotionally detach from him and his EA got worse until we reached a real crisis point.

As for being ill so he's drinking. Well yes. That's the reason today. Wonder what it will be next week. And the week after. And the month after. Then next year. There'll always be something.

[SuperAmoo]

That's kind of the what I'm thinking - he said that his new job would be a new beginning and fair enought he couldn't have know he's be in so much pain and so miserable with a health problem. But I suspect that they'll always be a reason to drink. And you're right. We've been throught SO much shit over the past twelve years, financial problems, housing problems, me getting really ill for 3 years, mental health problems. It felt like the end was in sight and to have to let go of that idea, is really painful. And I'm tired too. I just dont' want to have to struggle any more. Yesterday I was planning how I'd stay with him but make my life easier and happier - buying him a ready meal 3 times a week that he has to cook for himself, getting him to clean the kitchen 3 times a week. Paying a cleaner to come in once a week to help me. I was even going to get myself some nooky from somewhere so I don't have to be so godamn lonely anymore. But this morning, on discovering a load of beer bottles in the recycling bin (the bin that I have to empty every fucking time :) ) I just see I'm papering over the cracks. This has GOT to stop. He would risk EVERYTHING to have another drink. No matter how much pain I was in, I don't think I'd risk it all in that way. Though I am sympathetic as I have my own problems with addiction.

[LisaMed]

My understanding is that alcohol in the bloodstream actively interferes with the action of some antibiotics - it works against the antibiotics working iyswim.

NHS guide here In this household we usually get prescribed erythromycin and alcohol stops that working properly. Your husband's antibiotics may not be affected. However that is why it is recommended not to drink and take antibiotics.

Are the painkillers safe to take with alcohol? Not all are. Do you think he would skip the painkillers in order to have a drink?

[spudalicious]

Yes - papering over the cracks was exactly how I felt about it.

I think you've got a lot of clarity already. I tried for ages to FORCE things to work but at the end of that day the problem wasn't mine so I couldn't do anything about it. In fact, everything I did to shore up the relationship and our family life just worked to embed the problem and enable it to continue (and worsen). It took me a long time to accept that there was nothing I could do to be truly happy until I was no longer in that relationship.

You know, I don't want to sound smug and blasé but things are SO much better now. Simple stuff too. My DD is having one of her best friends over for a sleepover tonight. I could NEVER have arranged that before.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Ask yourself what your family have invested in this marriage continuing. Does your sister need you to buy her house? Does she have an alcoholic or otherwise shit partner and you leaving would shine an uncomfortable light on her relationship?

[stowsettler]

OP you're in such a shit position, I really feel for you. I have had my own EA relationship with an alcoholic. I escaped because he died. Does that sound terrible? It does, doesnt it? But that's what I was reduced to feeling.
But jeez your sister is a hell of a piece of work! Normalising his drinking, interfering in your finances and feeding you a load of bollocks about antibiotics. Don't believe a word that that one says.

[Lemonylemon]

Coming in late to this thread. OP: I have an alcoholic mum. She was given 6 months to live last year. She's still here. She's only 70. She has completely fucked up her old age. She's physically frail, mentally frail a lot of the time. She was full of self-pity. She is a glass half-empty kind of person. She has divided 3 siblings with her wilful and reckless disregard for anyone but herself. I am still in contact and do a lot for her. But, unfortunately, I find her a burden sometimes. I don't want to, but this is the effect of HER previous behaviour.

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for a couple of years. It ended up being chaotic. He would collect his daughter from school while he was drunk. He would drive my son to school the next morning while drunk. I didn't realise he was drunk because he'd go downstairs and drink during the night and I didn't know. Once I clicked, changes were made. In the end, I kicked him out. He was like Captain Chaos. Well-meaning, but a bloody nightmare. Not horrible. Not cruel, but just a nightmare. My relationship with my son went from strength to strength once I had done this.

I also have a sister like yours. As welcome as a spoon full of acid in your tea. You need to filter her very unhelpful comments. She is not walking in your shoes. I totally agree with Eirikur's comments above.

Oh yes, you're told not to drink alcohol while taking antibiotics because they negate the effectiveness. Your H is in more pain than he need be because he won't stop drinking.....

[SuperAmoo]

Thank you everyone. I have checked, I wouldn't normally go to that level of interference, to be honest because it feels icky to me. But... as it has come up quite a lot on here, I googled his antibiotics because I know that he would have and it says 'it is safe to drink alcohol with flucloxacillin'. So green light to keep fucking me over then. He's refusing to go to the gp to get stronger medication because and I quote 'I'm a bloke, don't you know anything about blokes'. And yet if I question why he's drinking he says, hilariously, 'don't you know how much pain I'm in'. Hahahahahahah This is a brilliant example of how I end up feeling mad everytime I come up against his behaviour really. Because I'm a woman and therefore don't understand 'male' behaviour which is all completely justified and reasonable because it's 'male' and I just wouldn't understand because I'm a woman. I will now get on my feminist soapbox and say I just can't STAND men that do this, that use their sex to justify stupid childish behaviour that invariably let's them off the hook in some way and makes the lives of the women in their worlds more difficult. How did I end up with someone like this. Yuck.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Sounds like you're angry. Good.
His logic is fucking pathetic. He won't go back to the doctor to get stronger anti-bios because he's a man? So he'll carry on in pain, inconveniencing you and jeopardising his new job because he's too manly to seek medication that will treat him? Yeah, whatever. He knows full well that you can't drink on stronger anti-bios and he's quite content to martyr himself and continue drinking.

When are you going to reach the point of no return? When are you going to realise his primary relationship is with alcohol?

[Lweji]

I wonder how much alcohol is acceptable with these antibiotics.
I don't think this boil should influence your decision at all. He's not bedridden. He's refusing to go to the gp.
Just do what you have to do when it's the right time for you.

[Loopytiles]

He is not taking care of his health, drinking to excess all the time and smoking weed. He may be lucky, or (more likely) may suffer all kinds of ill health, and expect you to continue to do everything.

Pain killers and booze don't mix well, someone without an alcohol problem would give the booze a break and pop paracetomol and stronger antibiotics.

Agree that your family are not best people to pay heed to.

It makes no sense to buy a house with him. It would not be fulfiflment of your hopes for your own home, because the foundations would be so rocky.

[Loopytiles]

"Yesterday I was planning how I'd stay with him but make my life easier and happier - buying him a ready meal 3 times a week that he has to cook for himself, getting him to clean the kitchen 3 times a week. Paying a cleaner to come in once a week to help me."

The best ST solution would be for him to do his fair share of cooking, cleaning and domestics, like decent men do.

Really hope you don't cook him a separate meal. Forget that for a start!