Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A rant- I am livid

79 replies

thefedupgorilla · 22/10/2013 20:37

just want a rant as im upset.

on holiday with my inlaws who im very close to. they are doting grandparents but my father in law just smacked my 2 year old. my son attempted to kick my elder son. before I could act my father in law smacked my younger son. I am livid. my son is okay but upset. I am very angry. I do not smack my children

OP posts:
Horsemad · 22/10/2013 20:40

You need to make it clear to your inlaws that smacking is NOT acceptable.

BigArea · 22/10/2013 20:47

Put kids to bed, speak to your DH while doing so, and then both present a united front to tell your in laws that this is never ever acceptable. I would be asking FIL to apologise to your DS2. This is not a life lesson I'd want my kids to be receiving either!

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 22/10/2013 20:56

Thank you for the replies. i am waiting to speak to my dp about this. im just trying to calm down. my poor little boy. he didnt deserve that. im not leaving the kids alone with their granddad.

OP posts:
SplitHeadGirl · 22/10/2013 21:15

My dad, when we were young, just used to shout 'Pipe down', at us all..and he did that to my son a few weeks ago. I was a bit annoyed, as I don't like shouting, but I grew up with dad (who was brilliant I have to say...great provider and wonderful husband to my mum) so I let it go. Smacking is different so I would say something - but I would try not to make him feel too bad as old habits can die hard. As long as he knows it isn't his place and he is to respect you as parents, that's what matters.

perfectstorm · 22/10/2013 21:51

I'd be livid as hell too. I'm sorry, what a horrible thing to deal with. Hopefully you can convey that it's an outrageous thing to do to someone else's child because they will never want to admit hitting their own wasn't such a great idea either without it affecting family relationships too badly in future, given the fact you're close and they're otherwise good grandparents.

humphryscorner · 22/10/2013 22:17

I'd be furious.
As a previous poster said, you have to talk to FIL about it and how much it has upset you and that its not acceptable. Angry

Unlikelyamazonian · 22/10/2013 22:59

did he smack him really hard? what sort of smack? Did you son cry ?

Unlikelyamazonian · 22/10/2013 23:00

your son not you.

Coolforcatz · 22/10/2013 23:26

Whilst I'm not totally averse to smacking (within reason) it's bang out of order for anybody to smack someone else's kids. FIL needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it's not his place to discipline, it's the parents job.

cloudskitchen · 22/10/2013 23:48

That's terrible. How dare he! Did he sort of take a swipe to stop him kicking and connect by mistake or was it a proper smack for punishment? Neither is acceptable obviously but one maybe slightly more forgiveable. My dad raises his voice to my son occasionally and he's always left knowing he's overstepped the mark!

Unlikelyamazonian · 22/10/2013 23:51

you call them doting grandparents. This suggests that they love your ds and that your ds loves them. Do you use your grandparents as babysitters a lot? does your ds have sleepovers?

I repeat, how hard was the smack? Did your son cry?

Do you intend never to let your FIL anywhere near your son again?

Sorry but more context is needed here and Op has disappeared

perfectstorm · 23/10/2013 00:02

Someone smacked her child. If you don't ever think violence is appropriate in childraising, then how hard is less important, because it's an assault on a defenceless little child at the hands of a grown adult. If you think smacking is very wrong, then it's extremely upsetting to see someone hit your child. That remains so no matter how hard they did it. If anyone smacked my children (and I do mean "anyone") then they would have contact if a close friend or relative, but certainly never unsupervised unless I could be convinced that they genuinely understood how terrible I thought their action was.

I think the OP needs to focus on the aspect of the lack of consent because that's the least damaging aspect to family relationships. But I don't think she needs to give us details on exactly how hard it was because she thinks smacking is wrong. It's her child. That's all that is important here.

Wellwobbly · 23/10/2013 06:51

Try and stay calm whilst you handle this. Say [FIL] please do not hit DS again. I understand that is how it was done in the past, but hitting a child to teach them not be violent IS illogical and we don't do it.

STAY CALM and don't escalate. Also, do it with him 1 on 1. You don't need to talk about it with your P, just say what you think and how you feel and deal with it calmly in that moment. Then ask him if he would like a cup of tea and let it go.

We were all 'brought up the old fashioned way' and all it taught me was to fear and mistrust my parents, and to lie to them whenever possible. It taught me NOTHING about how to solve problems, learn better judgement or how to like and believe in myself enough to find the way out.

I [ahem] rarely smacked my own children, it happened when I was tired and had lost control - of myself -.
My children are MUCH nicer and kinder to eachother than we ever were. They never mock or shame eachother to dump feelings of humiliation etc.

I fervently believe from my own experiences that smacking does the opposite of what is intended.
But don't make a world war out of this. Stay calm, don't drag P into it, and remember FIL feelings of humiliation etc. also.

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 23/10/2013 09:51

sorry had a bad night as me and dp argued over this. he felt I was being ott.

fil deliberately smacked him twice. my son cried and ran over to me. it hasnt left a mark but it was a smack rather than a tap.

my children and in laws have an excellant relationship. they babysit rarely but this has made me think about whether if it would happen again.

ive insisted that either we or dp speak about this to inlaws. I think my dp wants to sweep it under the carpet but I wont let that happen

OP posts:
ILoveMakeUp · 23/10/2013 09:54

Old habits die hard.

True. I think what he does next is crucial. If he promises he will not smack them again, let it go. If it does happen again, then that is a different matter.

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 23/10/2013 10:00

sorry meant to say it was a smack for punishment. I didnt even have a chance to react. everything happened so quickly.

I honestly think fil lost his temper. he reacted very quickly. he knows we dont smack and we have consistent boundaries in place.

from my sons point of view. he was being naughty and attempting to kick his older brother. before he knew it he was being smacked by his granddad and left confused.

I think my son ran to me because of shock and feeling scared rather than pain if you know what I mean

OP posts:
Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 23/10/2013 10:08

thank you for all the replies. I am calm but v upset still.

I was smacked and abused as a child so I feel betrayed as firstly my son was hit and I wasnt able to protect him (although my actions now can protect them against any further incidents) and also because I promised myself I would never let my children be unsafe.

OP posts:
cloudskitchen · 23/10/2013 11:25

I think you are right to be angry under those circumstances, and not once but twice Angry The only people deciding oh the way you discipline your children should be you and dh. Your fil must have a short fuse if that's his first reaction. They must have detected that you are very upset by this, how are things this morning?

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 23/10/2013 13:44

things are quite tense today. mil definetly knows im upset. think my fil does have a short fuse and that is the most worrying part. my fil is quiet

OP posts:
clockchanger · 23/10/2013 14:43

At least he won't try to kick his elder brother again when granddad's around.

Granville72 · 23/10/2013 15:21

I'd have a word with them when everyone is together and the children are in bed. It will only fester and you'll end up even more wound up

tinyturtletim · 23/10/2013 16:10

I think you need to cut your fil some slack.

That generation were very strict, most of our parents were smacked as discipline and it is very common. It is a very modern way for smacking not to be widely used as a form or discipline

It sounds to me as though your son was being naughty, your fil found it unacceptable and reacted how he knows best

It doesn't make him a monster.

I think your son needs to be taught respect and to behave appropriately, will he kick his brother again? Probably not.

You have over reacted in accordance with your own memories, noone can blame you for that. However do not cause years of tension on one misjudged incident.

JustBecauseICan · 23/10/2013 16:15

Well.....whilst I was smacked the odd time as a child "and it never did me no 'arm"....the point is, the OP has made it clear that smacking her children is not on.

I think you do need to speak to your ILs, explain why you are upset and that smacking is not a parenting choice you have decided to use. You appreciate your son was misbehaving but there are other ways to deal with that.

cloudskitchen · 23/10/2013 16:28

Tiny did you notixe when reading the Op that this child is 2. just a tiny tot. still learning right from wrong. He's now been shown you shouldn't be violent with erm... violence. confusing. I don't think op is overreacting at all. I think she has be more restrained than I would have been under the circumstances!

welshnat · 23/10/2013 16:31

As someone who has a slap across the legs as a child I believe that in the right circumstances that's fine. BUT it is up to the parents to decide and also to enforce the discipline!
How is a 2 year old child supposed to understand not to use violence when violence is used against him??
OP do the GP's know that you do not believe in smacking? If yes then I would definitely feel uncomfortable with them baby sitting again until you know that the are aware that what they did is completely out of order.