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Original poster

A rant- I am livid

79 replies

thefedupgorilla · 22/10/2013 20:37

just want a rant as im upset.

on holiday with my inlaws who im very close to. they are doting grandparents but my father in law just smacked my 2 year old. my son attempted to kick my elder son. before I could act my father in law smacked my younger son. I am livid. my son is okay but upset. I am very angry. I do not smack my children

OP posts:
Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 25/10/2013 20:50

Feel very sad and angry especially for my son.

It was witnessed by my mil,sil and other children but not by my dp as he was cooking. I told dp what had happened when were putting the kids to bed. He agrees with me.

I am cancelling next years holiday too as I will never trust my fil again.

OP posts:
Iworrymyselftosleep · 25/10/2013 20:51

Gorilla - I think you're doing a great job protecting your children. Well done.

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 25/10/2013 21:00

cjel- this is definetly not a mh or dementia type thing. I think my son has been testing the boundaries and my fil has lashed out in frustration/loss of control. Today he crossed the point of no return. We told him not to hit my kids ever again and he did it again.

My son's behaviour can be challenging due to his age and language frustration (he is starting speech therapy) but he did not deserve this.

I wont be letting mil babysit with him or at her house.

OP posts:
Scarymuff · 25/10/2013 21:00

You have done the right thing. You spoke to FIL and told him that he was not to hit your child. He chose to ignore this and, again, hit your child.

Now your actions must back up your words.

You are protecting your children, what else could anyone expect you to do.

cjel · 25/10/2013 21:04

I think you are right to keep them away , but mental health changes due to age can cause this type of behaviour.x

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 25/10/2013 21:04

Thank you Iworrymyself to sleep. I cried a bit at your post.

This has massive consequences for the whole family as we are v close. Ive considered my fil as a father figure for 10 years so I am sad for my children, my dp and for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 25/10/2013 21:11

cjel- you are right about mh changing. I suppose I cant rule this out

OP posts:
Merel · 25/10/2013 21:27

Glad I got to page three of this post before commenting. In my mind I was hoping you would not be too harsh on FIL; generational thing, misunderstanding about how you discipline children, and of course imagined he was quite shocked to see your son kick his brother and felt like he had to act quickly (even if not appropriately).

Now reading that you had a chat with him and he hit the child in front of you again. Well, he is totally out of order, this is no misunderstanding. I think your husband needs to have some very firm words with him and explain to him that his future access to his grandchildren now depends on him showing remorse and towing the line from now on.

cjel · 25/10/2013 21:29

It doesn't alter you actions though, whatever the reason so keep on keeping your dcs safeFlowers

cloudskitchen · 25/10/2013 21:47

That is absolutely. I think you're doing well staying until tomorrow. I think I'd have been gone. You're poor little chap. How confusing for him. Has fil ever behaved like this with any other grandchildren? Has your mil said anything?

cloudskitchen · 25/10/2013 21:55

That is absolutely outrageous that was meant to say Grin

TwerkingNineToFive · 25/10/2013 22:01

Well that's put an end to the 'well he won't do that again' argument. Hitting doesn't make children behave well IMO.
Well done OP you've absolutely done the right thing. It's so sad and but you were right to give him a chance and you right to stop contact.

MuffCakes · 25/10/2013 22:07

Is your ds quite challenging OP? I do not agree with smacking but perhaps you could of stepped in before situations escalated. For instance if my ds wasn't sitting nicely at the table I would have removed him so others could enjoy their meal in peace, of someone was telling my child to eat up but I knew it was a loosing battle I would of removed my child and I would of been very cross with my child for screaming no at others. Hmm I'm in two minds about this and I hate smacking, more because you lose control when you lose your temper and it doesn't work.

LittleBairn · 25/10/2013 22:12

It the right thing to do OP his behaviour during the first incident was out of order but it was fair to give him a second chance and he still felt it was ok to hid your son for the 3rd time in 3 days. He isn't fit to be around children.

LEMisafucker · 25/10/2013 22:19

Fuck - he was making a point by smacking him a second time Angry Vile man. Is this out of character?

semirurallife · 25/10/2013 22:21

well done fed.... its so tough... I've had problems with my own parents doing mild neglect and that's tough enough. stand your ground calmly but firmly. every childcare expert in the world agrees hitting children teaches them that violence is okay; ironic to punish a kick with a slap. them was the days for fil when that was ok... well done you for forging the way for a better way all round.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 25/10/2013 22:27

Even when I was a kid and smacking was common most people would have baulked at smacking a 2 year old. A 2 year old has only just stopped being a baby. the mind boggles at the notion that anyone would think this was OK. Absolutely the right course of action, OP - well done.

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 25/10/2013 23:18

Muffycakes- ds has been very challenging this holiday but on a day to day basis he is fine. He has some tantrums which I think are caused by his frustration with his talking but he is usually fine.

The holiday has been stressful as our family has had lots going on. since august we have moved house, I was in hospital and poorly for a month and weve had other stresses. The kids are clingy to me.

Weve been away for a week but my son hasnt been able to rest much during the day and whenever ive tried going out with dp,myself and kids only then theyve tagged along.

I didnt get a chance to move my son from the table. I am a very active parent and so I feel my fil was waiting for an opportunity to show everyone he is right. that might sound paranoid but to have both incidents in 3 days with the same child?!

Not looking forward to speaking to my mil about cancelling next yrs holiday but too bad. Sil and mil didnt say anything but they reacted in a shocked way to me confronting fil as they havent seen me like that before. They should be shocked that fil assaulted my little boy.

OP posts:
Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 25/10/2013 23:26

Just to clarify I find it hard to believe fil wasnt aware of what he was doing the second time. He had been spoken to by myself and dp seperately spelling out that he is not to smack our kids again and then the next day ends up smacking an overtired 2 year old.

To be honest I wanted to leave after it happened the 1st time but we are dependant on sil and fil taking us home as we dont drive.

Thank you for all the support.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 25/10/2013 23:53

God, OP I am so sorry. You must be so hurt and upset. Flowers

Any hope you could talk to MIL so she can talk to FIL - obviously no unsupervised contact but it might mend bridges a little if he understands how badly upset this has made you? Nobody could be more vehemently against smacking than I am, but he's been like a dad to you so long, and trying to at least get that relationship on a more even keel might help? He owes you an apology though. Horrible situation, again I am so very sorry.

MuffCakes · 26/10/2013 00:28

I didn't mean to imply you were not a good parent OP sorry if it came across that way. Just trying to put the situation in my head as if I was the mum. Fil is a twat I would cancel the holiday to.

zippey · 26/10/2013 00:53

Sounds like FIL has a short fuse. I don't think he sounds evil or vile though. Its a difficult one because you obviously care about your inlaws too, both of them.

I don't believe in smacking either, but I accept some people see it as a useful tool when tackling misbehaviour.

Id give it time, for things to calm down and wait for them to apologise. Then try to build bridges again. Your husband may want a say about whether his parents are allowed to see his children too.

diddl · 26/10/2013 08:20

Hope the holiday is over & you are on your way home.

Sounds as if it's so ingrained in FIL that it's an automatic reaction.

That & he thinks he is in charge & can "control" your son better than you?

My Gps never hit my children, but if we were at ILs for a meal & PFB had eaten enough, MIL would always try to get him to eat "one more mouthful just for Gran"

Not for the good of PFB, of course, but to try & prove that she could make him do something that I couldn't iyswim.

Grrr!

TBH, I'd be very Hmm if my husband was concerned about someone who had assaulted our son having contact.

He had a chance & proved that he can't control himself/doesn't care about his son & dil's wishes as regards their son.

Iwantanelephant · 26/10/2013 09:26

I was going to say bollocks to those people who said cut your FIL some slack as things were different in his day. That is not relevant as it is not his child and he knew what the parents had decided about whether to smack or not. Cutting him some slack is also putting him first. Wrong on so many levels. Then we see after being told not to hit the child he has hit him again Angry. If it had been months later then still bad but the fact he did it within days just shows he thinks it is fine and is now his response of choice.

I still feel angry that my son said my FIL kicked him and I didn't bollock him. I also know from my MIL he has gone for my son once and she had to stop him. I let my son down but if it ever happens again that really will be the last time they see my children.

OP, you are doing a great job of fighting for your children's safety and well being but be prepared for your DP to waver. You have to be your children's' advocate as no one else can do it as well as you.

perfectstorm · 26/10/2013 15:58

Zippey OP has already said that her husband agrees with her position after the second incident. And I think it's rather got past being about where someone stands on smacking; a child's mother and father both separately told him that they do not smack and will not allow anyone else to smack their child, and he chose to ignore them and hit a toddler anyway.

And he broke the law. It's a defence against an assault charge if you are a parent and hit lightly and without leaving marks with the aim of "reasonable punishment", and while you can't give permission to a nursery or childcare worker, you can a relative, babysitter or carer, which extends the defence to them, too. But he explicitly didn't have that consent.

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