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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A rant- I am livid

79 replies

thefedupgorilla · 22/10/2013 20:37

just want a rant as im upset.

on holiday with my inlaws who im very close to. they are doting grandparents but my father in law just smacked my 2 year old. my son attempted to kick my elder son. before I could act my father in law smacked my younger son. I am livid. my son is okay but upset. I am very angry. I do not smack my children

OP posts:
TheFabulousIdiot · 23/10/2013 16:38

Oh Gosh - I would be very upset too.

diddl · 23/10/2013 16:47

Well I'm thinking that if OP has a 2yr old, I might be a similar age to FIL and I don't think that smacking is a habit for "my generation" tbh.

My mum used to smack me after a warning.

Dad never did.

perfectstorm · 23/10/2013 17:19

DH was never, ever smacked. My in-laws are in their 70s. They think it's wrong - and they come from a family of Jewish immigrants and working class Catholics. I know a fair number of others who were never hit as kids, and it's not true to say it's a "modern thing" not to do it. Corporal punishment was abolished in schools decades ago because agitation against it as a form of discipline was strong. This is not a new debate.

I think smacking is always wrong. I don't think it makes those who smack bad people, because they live in a culture that tells them it's wicked to strike someone your own size, yet A okay to wallop a tiny child you have complete power over. But as I see it, smacking is a form of domestic violence - and yes, "reasonable chastisement" used to apply to wives, too. It being socially sanctioned wouldn't alter my feelings if it happened to one of my kids.

FIL knew they didn't smack. He lost his temper and hit someone else's 2 year old, despite knowing the parents don't use violence to discipline. As loving gp and good in-laws of course this needs to be handled carefully and calmly, but people who "don't see what the issue is about" need to develop a little respect for other people's most sincere principles. Including, from the sounds of it, these in-laws.

Piffalato · 23/10/2013 17:25

I think you are overreacting. I don't think your son was 'unsafe' with his grandfather. This is not the same as child abuse.

tinyturtletim · 23/10/2013 17:30

Depends on the 2 year old really, my dd at 2 certainly wasn't a tiny tot. She knew very well what was acceptable and what was pushing it

TerrorTremor · 23/10/2013 17:36

How is the situation now, OP?

Scarymuff · 23/10/2013 17:37

If your dp won't support you, I think you should speak to FIL yourself.

Firstly ask him why he hit your son. He will say that your son had done something wrong.

Then tell him, 'Well, you also did something wrong by hitting, so is it ok if I hit you?'

Make him understand that hitting is not acceptable. If he won't allow someone to hit him when he is wrong, or if he has annoyed them, then how can it be ok for him to hit for the same reasons?

Then tell him what discipline method you use instead so that he can do the same.

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 23/10/2013 18:02

Hi thanks for replies. I am waiting for kids to go to bed and then I will speak to both my in laws.

I dont think im overacting at all. I think if anything I have behaved fairly calmly considering my son was hit twice. no warning was given. my fil lost his temper and control. my in laws know we are anti smacking and have clear boundaries and methods in place.

my 2 year old was testing the boundaries and got a nasty shock when a person who is usually gentle hit him.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 24/10/2013 00:58

You aren't over-reacting in the least. As it's against the law to hit a child against the wishes of their parents, your FIL committed a criminal assault against a child. I'd be every bit as angry as you are. Nobody hits anyone in this house, and nobody hits any member of my family, including me. Violence is wrong... so don't model it to small kids. Novel little concept, it would appear. Hmm

Hope you're feeling better and the situation has resolved itself a bit, OP.

cloudskitchen · 24/10/2013 08:27

Morning. how did the chat go?

OnemorevoiceforAF · 24/10/2013 09:01

The rights and wrongs are secondary. This is your child and they must know you don't smack. They had no right to do it.

coffeeinbed · 24/10/2013 09:07

I would be livid.

he's completely out of line to do it.
Old habits my arse. he knew your views on smacking.

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 24/10/2013 15:10

My dp spoke to fil last night when they were alone. fil knows we find it unacceptable but according to dp he didnt really seem to get why we were so upset. personally I will be supervising all contact as I dont believe he would not do it again.

it was a bit tense this morning as fil does not like to be told anything but tough.

thank you again for the replies. it is good to get different perspectives.

OP posts:
Spider7 · 24/10/2013 15:38

Me & my brothers often were naughty. We were often smacked.... Hit & kicked for it. Guess what? We still misbehaved. Badly. It's total crap to say smacking stops unwanted behaviour. Just encourages resentment, rebelliousness & aggression. My best friend was never hit but rarely put a foot out of place as he hated the telling off & disappointment of his parents. He also disliked loss of privileges. As I say.... BS that the 2 yr old will never kick his brother again because he was smacked.

FuckeringNineToFive · 24/10/2013 15:48

Thing is you were supervising when this happened so you won't be able to stop it happening again unless you talk to FIL yourself and are satisfied the message has got through.
This is your son and it is absolutely your right, and your obligation, to speak your mind about this calmly and assertively.
I don't know if what happened to you in your childhood is effecting your willingness to have a confrontation but its time to brake the cycle and not allow your son to be attacked in anger (I'm not saying its abuse but its pretty horrible and confusing).

Scarymuff · 24/10/2013 17:14

Just tell him that he is not to do it again. Don't worry about getting into a debate about it, just ask for his assurance that he won't hit your children.

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 24/10/2013 19:15

thank you for your replys.

ive spoken to fil and made it clear he is not allowed to hit any of my children again. feel much better speaking to him myself.

OP posts:
cloudskitchen · 24/10/2013 19:47

Well done! I think you've done the right thing. It's now crystal clear and I hope he's learned his lesson now to.

Original poster
thefedupgorilla · 25/10/2013 20:23

Cant believe it but despite having only supervised contact fil hit my son again today.

My son was sitting in between me and fil during dinner and my son was playing up as he didnt want to eat. I told my son to leave his dinner as he was over tired and has eaten plenty during the day. My son got angry with my fil and shouted no as fil was saying eat eat your dinner.My fil in law smacked my son on the arm. I removed my son and told my fil to stop hitting my son.

Im stopping my children having contact with fil. Please dont flame me as I have been right by my son never letting him be alone with fil since the other day. I truly believed me and my dp had made it extremely clear that he was not to hit any of my kids again.

Glad we're going home tomorrow.

OP posts:
ZiaMaria · 25/10/2013 20:31

So after being warned not to hit your child, he hit your child. Clearly he's a violent twat with zero self-control and has zero respect for your decisions. I'd never let my FIL see my child again if he did something like that. And I'd have DH's support.

Meerka · 25/10/2013 20:35

How sad, but I would do the same in your shoes.

Just a thought - once the dust has settled could you maybe invite the ILs to your house every so often? He may respect your limits more in your own home. And by then he must know that any further smacking would mean total no contact follows.

Notfootball · 25/10/2013 20:36

So even with supervised contact , FIL still thinks it's okay to hit your DS? He's not a "doting" GP at all. There's no way he would be spending time with my DS. Did you DP witness this?

Homebird8 · 25/10/2013 20:47

Your FIL sounds like the sort who doesn't learn by being spoken to (possibly because in his experience communication of this type was done by violence). Even with your supervision he has responded in the same way. Was your DH witness to it this time?

I wouldn't be happy with FIL babysitting. Your MIL wouldn't be able to ensure he doesn't do it again. Your DS is 2. He will do daft things and he will be annoying.

We have a 'no hitting household' plan in place. If our boys hit each other (and it's only been a handful of times) then we ask if they want the rules to change. If it's ok to hit then can we all do it? Do they want the grownups to hit too? Needless to say we are still a 'no hitting household'.

If your FIL has the same lack of control you might expect in a toddler then perhaps treating him like one and laying out the 'no hitting household' rules in words of half a syllable might make him realise that civilised society has to have rules for everyone, and no violence is a part of being a regular member of your family's society.

If he can't understand /accept that then he outlaws himself.

pointyfangs · 25/10/2013 20:48

You're doing the right thing by not allowing contact. This man does not respect you as a parent to your own children and he is violent.

cjel · 25/10/2013 20:48

Thats so sad OP I'm sorry your little boy has been hit again. I wouldn't want them near dcs on their own either.

I did have a thought though, if this is out of the norm for fil do you think it could be a mental health/dementia type thing?

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