I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

Whitefeathers, perhaps my dialogue prev wasn't explained fully. His advice DOES comply with the said Act. Act 12 states about legalities of intentionally causing a child to engage in or to watch pornographic acts. I spoke about not being against any law as long as dh didn't involve dc in any activity. Perhaps I should have expanded my explanation and said activity such as including dc with viewing the images. Basically, as long as dh was sat alone whilst dc was ie playing with toys or watching tv it isn't against the law. Sorry for the lack of explaining what I meant further up the thread.

Hi everyone, thank you for your (varied) thoughts

I went out for the day, saw a few friends, with the children, had lunch somewhere and had a good long think. Before I left I put the children in their car seats on the drive and had a 5-10min chat with H. He brought up trust (shockingly) and how if i didnt trust him, I was ending our marriage, I asked him to consider what he was asking of me. In the worst case scenario, he is grooming our son, in the best case scenario he is a fucking idiot.

He told me that he had pulled up an image on line while my son was on the other side of the room, got a bit excited, taken my phone and gone into the toilet to look at the same images and have a wank.

When i came into the room he stood in front of the computer and fiddled with my phone, he says coming off the website he had been looking at, he said that the reason he had come to the door was because I came down the stairs and he was just coming back in the room.

Anyway, I am not JUSTIFYING it (before anyone starts that again) I am just giving you the full story.

He told me, before I left that if he left 'it would be for good and i would have ended our marriage' I told him i accepted that if it protected our son.

He has nowhere to go, he will literally be on the streets tonight.

Anyway, as soon as he left (within 15 minutes of us returning) I called the NSPCC, which actually I had suggested he do with me. I spoke to a lovely man there and told him absolutely everything, he asked me a few questions about the relationship between my son and my husband and told me that in this situation, given that there is no previous cause for concern, CP would not be involved. He told me that what needed to happen, was for me to have a very serious chat with my husband about how serious this is, not just because of the looking at porn but also because he left our three year old in a room while he went and had a wank and that was irresponsible and neglectful. He said the police would not be interested at this time.

I asked him whether i should have this incident recorded and he said that at this time, there is no reason for that.

I am going to call my husband and speak to him when the children have gone to bed about what has been said and about how serious this is.

I will be keeping a very, very close eye on him, i dont know if i can trust him right now and if that trust is not gained by the time i have to go back to work I will be asking him to leave this house and arranging supervised visits with the children.

I am NOT taking this lightly, I am absolutely furious that he has put me in this position. I think he has been stupid and irresponsible and I imagine that wandering around in the rain (as he is now) is probably bringing that home to him in a big, big way.

Thanks again for the advice all.

He was looking at porn with my kid in the room, my kid wasn't even on the other side of the room when I came in, he was sat on the sofa with his dad

We run the risk of a)child at risk of sexual abuse or b) marital break up

Yes... must avoid b) So let's minimise this, shall we?

That was to previous posts not OP

OP

My previous post was because I'm a bit sick of the let's brush this under the carpet/pretend it didn't happen/wasn't intentional/isn't an issue posts on this thread.

You have faced it and are going to deal with it which is a different thing. I suspect this will impact on your relationship for a good time - it would me

To be quite honest with you I dont know if i will ever be able to get around this, he has some serious serious bridge building to do if that is even possible for him.

I have called him, he is coming home now and we will have dinner, put the children to be and have a good long chat.

Hmmmm
So if you ask him to leave you will have ended the relationship and he would not come back.
That's the perfect way to make you the one under scrutiny.

I would be concerned at that level of manipulation tbh.

It's quite extraordinary to me that having being caught red-handed looking at porn and getting aroused enough to go off for a wank while he is responsible for a 3 year old child that his response is to try to THREATEN you if you don't deal with this in the way that he wants.

Not so much with the remorse and realising what a nasty, sleazy fucking scumbag he is to be getting a hard on from pornography while his small child plays nearby.

[Presuming that he is telling the truth.]

Op so glad you have sought professional advice about this. You have a decision to make about whether you believe him or not. Personally i would have him out of the house until i had decided and i would NOT take kindly to him threatening to end the marriage if you asked him to leave. That is not on in his position and would have me wondering if he has a temper? Either way that threat would have been a green light to open the door for him. Streets or no streets.

Ah glad i wasnt the only one recognising his threat as not on

Honestly OP, I have been reading this with mounting horror, and anxiety. However, I think you sound very level-headed and sensible and you have done the right thing. I hope your decisions work out for your children and for you. Best of luck.

Well done OP, don't dare let him turn this around on to you. Your trust has been shaken because of HIS actions. YOU are not in any way responsible should this end your marriage.

He went for a wank while looking after your child?
Then threatened you when you caught him?
This is all kinds of wrong

I think you also said the right thing when he said that about you leaving the marriage, I think, "I accept that if it protects my son." is perfect. Keep calm and clear about YOUR boundaries. Because his are fucked.

Oh absolutely, I said that to him on the phone, that I would never ever put my children's safety below him having somewhere warm to sleep.

It's just a none option.

He is deeply sorry and I know that but I am approaching with serious caution.

Well done OP - you seem to have handled it very well. Either of you may legitimately choose to end the relationship as a result, but you clearly have the correct priorities here.

whitefeathers Section 12 of the Sexual Offences Act says it is an offence for a person over 18:

^for the purpose of obtaining sexual gratification, he intentionally causes another person (B) to watch a third person engaging in an activity, or to look at an image of any person engaging in an activity,
(b)the activity is sexual, and
(c)either—
(i)B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or
(ii)B is under 13.^

So there needs to be the motive of 'obtaining sexual gratification' and the child needs to be exposed to the material intentionally for it to be an offence. We don't know what the child saw, if anything. Watching porn in the same room as the child, without the intent that the child see it and without the purpose of 'sexual gratification from making the child look' is not this offence.

I completely agree it's absolutely appalling and that the OP should get professional advice and I am in no way minimising or defending the what the OP's husband did, just pointing out that it doesn't appear, on the basis of what's been written, to definitely be this. Of course, if he was intentionally showing porn to the child, as opposed to just negligently assuming he could get away with it and hoping the boy wouldn't see it, then that would an offence.

Is he sorry or panicked?

OP, I think you have reacted very reasonably and you did the right thing by calling the support line.

I don't personally agree with everyone who is saying that it's abuse and that he is grooming your son. I think it's distasteful that he went to the loo for a wank but frankly, a lot of men take longer in the loo having a poo and you wouldn't accuse them of neglect for leaving a 3 year old for that reason.

I think people have reacted so strongly because of the association of caring for a child and viewing porn. Perhaps he sees viewing porn as so prosaic that it didn't occur to him that it was so wrong. That in itself is something to niggle at you, certainly.

Good luck and I hope that he manages to deserve your trust again.

He was scared and he is totally non-threatening. He was trying to suggest ultimatums because he didn't want to be on the streets. I can understand why he was upset about things, he has probably just been very very stupid and feeling a bit sorry for himself.

His 'threats' landed on deaf ears regardless.

Whether his "threats" were real or not remains to be seen - that may depend on how things progress. Regardless, you have done the right thing.

Good that they landed on deaf ears. The fact that he issued them should not however fall on deaf ears.

Could i suggest you write everything down as it happened/happens to keep a clear record of what you saw and what was said. It is very hard to remember everything that was said when emotions are heightened. A record may (sadly) be necessary at some point.

When i came into the room he stood in front of the computer and fiddled with my phone, he says coming off the website he had been looking at, he said that the reason he had come to the door was because I came down the stairs and he was just coming back in the room.

So he left the images on the screen whilst he left the room?

No the screen was minimised, he had no time to do that while I was in the room. He said that if he had of been in the room he would have just deleted the page, which is reasonable I suppose.

It was just minimised?

And your 3 year old was in the room alone with the laptop?

I have a 3 year old, and she's more than capable of maximising a screen on a laptop.

He didn't even bother to just close the window?