I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

[filee777]

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

Op I hope you are ok.

Your opinion doesn't count, Neither, when THE LAW states that what the OP's Dh has done is classified as child sexual abuse. Even just potentially exposing a child to obscene images is abuse. It is not just about how horrid it would be if the child saw them in that one instance, it is about what it clearly infers about the person who would do such a thing. You cannot look at this one instance and refuse to think of the implications and context. Actually, even not thinking of those, it is clearly child abuse, IMO.

OP, your OH has sexually abused your son by doing this. Your DS is also of an age where he could innocently tell others about things he might have seen (although I pray he has not). If he saw things, and was confused or disturbed, he might well start talking about them to others, or even acting out sexually, mimicing things he saw. You do nothing, you are risking not just condoning this appalling behaviour, which would be disgusting enough, but of potentially falling under suspicion yourself.

Do not, I beg of you, start minimising this in your mind, as the hours and days pass. This is quite clearly one of those black and white moments where you have to shit or get off the pot. OH has to leave the family home. You need to think about your DS, not worry about how or where OH would go to or pay for it. If he can do the mental gymnastics required to make viewing porn whilst with his toddler acceptable in his mind, he's perfectly capable of finding himself somewhere to stay.

You need to log somewhere that he done this, I think. If you are worried about him having unsupervised access if and when you split, then this will the evidence you need to prove he is unsuitable to be alone with a child.

And when your anger cools a little, please remember that your own gut reaction was to think he is not to be trusted to be alone with your child ever again. It does not lie.

Watching porn with a child is child abuse

From this web page here

What is sexual abuse - showing a child images of sexual activity including photographs, videos or via webcams

This is I'm sorry to say OP a very big problem.

I suspect any explanations for his behaviour are likely to be more 'mundane' than those stated by a lot of posters here but yes there is always a chance that it isn't.

So what would you advise she do? Ignore or talk to professionals?

Why does the NSPCC say ‘don’t wait until you’re certain’?

We know that many people worry about being wrong, causing trouble, or wasting the time of services by reporting concerns. This is understandable but we need to make sure that people don’t wait too long, or until it’s too late, before calling us.

Almost 50 per cent of people who contact us have been worried for more than a month before they take action. If their suspicions are genuine, that’s an additional month that a child has been at risk

Actually Yourebeingadick I think I've been very fair. Considering the context.

Also, this will be fresh in your son's mind so he will be able to clearly remember things like sequence of events and what he saw and what daddy said.

He is best placed to reassure you, OP, under careful questioning by professionals who know what they're doing, that he hasn't been harmed at all. Wouldn't you want that peace of mind?

Your husband has obviously been massively ignorant. Maybe he can't see the inappropiateness of what he is doing..... Whether he is sexually abusing him is a big accusation to make. You need to keep your DS safe, I am sure that will be the first thing on your mind.

I believe I read upthread that you are training to be a social worker. Hopefully you have enough sense and training to know what steps you need to take next.

Skye, sexual abuse does not have to mean physical contact, as I and others have stated. What the OP's OH has done IS legally considered sexual abuse. This is stating facts, not making accusations.

Skye we've already established that exposing a child to pornography IS ABUSE. Whether he saw it or not is not the point. The DH made a situation in which that could happen.

When dh returns from shopping I shall ask him about this. I won't mention any m n details,just ask a general question. He is a DS for the local force who deals with cp.

No need to get any digs in at all k8. Not the time or place. Not fair at all when OP is going through hell.

Hello OP. Two years ago, I may have, naively been of the "the posters are being OTT" opinion. I have read your posts within this thread and I can tell you that there are too many red flags for you to ignore. The "sofa" bit creeped me out the most. This really isn't about your partner having an escalating porn habit anymore. I have a very dodgy ex who , behind my back was very cavalier about boundaries with his daughters. I reported him when the scales came off my eyes and looked back into the past to see what I "missed". I "missed" loads of seemingly "oh, it's just him" red flags. It was only when he violated me that I realised the depth of his "boundary crossing".
My ex is presently with a woman with a young child who, within a year has changed her girl child's appearance from pigtails to "grown". My grown daughter and I speculate daily as to how he is grooming this lady to groom her daughter and we cannot do anything as this woman is "in love" and can't see the wood for the trees. Get your child away from your partner. At the very least, your partner has very low standards and very loose boundaries that do not appear to be your own. Sorry you have to go through this. This is one of those "it's not whose right, but what is right situations". Good luck.

Oh give over yourebeingadick. Do you even know the context? Or have you just presumed and you are fighting a battle for the sake of it?

Maybe he can't see the inappropiateness of what he is doing.....

Then that would make him a very dangerous sexual predator skye and all the more reason to take steps to protect the child.

Neither...to be honest, first time I've ever said this...your views are so outweighed on this thread and everyone else trying to inform you why they think you're wrong has clouded the whole thread.

The poor op doesn't need to read this tennis natch between EVERYONE on the thread and you. Think we should all agree we all think its wrong. It is abuse to have porn on in front of a child...and now try to advise the op. she needs support.

Op, hope you're ok.

Ps k8middleton, I think your sly dig at the poster is below the belt and you should also stay away if that's all you have to offer

K8 what is it that you are alluding to? If it's about another thread then it is considered bad form to raise it here. OP has come here for help, are you ready to help or not?

K8middleton, doesn't matter about the context. Your out of line digging at an op who just found this out. There is a 3 year old at the centre of this. How is you digging about a previous spat going to help anyone??

I've helped. I've given advice.

What is the dig?

Yes but there is a HUGE difference between a totally stupid twat not thinking about what he is doing, and a man who is grooming his own child for sexual abuse....

That is what I meant.

skye the professionals would be most interested in the potential outcome of both of those scenarios ie. that a 3yo has been exposed to porn, so tbh the motivation of this bloke is not actually the crux of the matter

a totally stupid twat not thinking about what he is doing would also be dangerous in charge of children.

Honestly, there really is no excuse.

if you are dividing this type of behaviour up into "he meant harm" versus "he didn't mean harm", then you potentially lose sight of the outcome which was that the 3 yo was exposed to harm

k8 I too think your input to this thread is inappropriate and unhelpful

FGS the OP needs help not point scoring from you