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Original poster

I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

460 replies

youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:05

Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Confused Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

OP posts:
Scarynuff · 21/10/2013 20:57

Wuldric who is saying that they are worried about same sex friendships?

Am I reading the same thread as you and Stranger because I haven't seen that. I've seen posters say that they do think same sex friendships are ok.

Why can't people understand that it's just this one particular friendship which is a problem?

Heartbrokenmum73 · 21/10/2013 20:57

Ok, so even if it is 'just a crush' as some people are saying, why is even that acceptable when he's displaying it so openly? Where's the respect for his actual wife, when he's spending so much time and effort on his friend, time and effort that he should be putting into his marriage?

If it is 'just' a crush', he's still behaving like a dick and I think the OP has every right to be upset by his total lack of respect for her feelings.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 20:59

That sort of sentiment is expressed on here all the time.

No, it's not.

This is a complete straw man.

Scarynuff · 21/10/2013 20:59

Thank you, BOF, I have asked that exact same question about the emails and no-one has admitted that they do that. It's not normal friendship behaviour. Not even between two female friends.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/10/2013 21:07

OP, I think you are doing the right thing. A number of years ago I was what you describe as OW. I developed a friendship with a client who was nearly 30 years older than me. He obviously had severe "mentionitis" as one evening I went round to return a video. I met his wife just as she was leaving for work. She froze as she saw me.

I gave her the video and headed home, but was a bit freaked out about the strange look in her eyes. So I invited them round for dinner and it went really well. She casually asked me about the nature of my relationship with her DH and I told her.Smile

Thing is, if I had not bumped into her, I would never had known that my friendship with her DH was causing her problems.Sad

tumbletumble · 21/10/2013 21:10

Good post Leavenheath

CharityFunDay · 21/10/2013 21:10

But I have to say I think one of the reasons this happens so much and why people take so much erroneous responsibility for their partners' fidelity is because we've got a terrible culture of blaming faithful parties for the other's cheating.

I can't speak for society at large, but I will say that this 'terrible culture' is not much in evidence on MN at least. Blame lands squarely on the cheater -- and quite right, too. Which makes me wonder if the alleged 'terrible culture' exists at all.

Maybe if this stopped happening, women like the OP wouldn't feel compelled to act in this way.

I think, with respect, that you are imputing a rationality to OP's thoughts and actions that simply isn't there. She's not out to prevent her husband having an affair, she is convinced that he's already having one and will even consider confronting the 'other woman's partner over an engineered dinner in her quest for what she believes to be the truth. Which is very far from rational, not to mention a sublimely and alarmingly bad plan.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/10/2013 21:11

I want to be in a contingent!

Scarynuff · 21/10/2013 21:13

penis beaker has a lot to answer for...

Scarynuff · 21/10/2013 21:28

Sorry, wrong thread Blush Grin

ubik · 21/10/2013 21:32

...or perhaps it's not the wrong thread...Grin

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 21:33

When I talked about culture, I wasn't referring to Mumsnet. In general when I talk about culture, I mean in society and not a parenting website. And it definitely exists.

The OP isn't convinced there's an affair already going on. She has never said that.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 21/10/2013 21:34

I was wondering what penis beaker had to do with it too! Confused

mumsforjustice · 21/10/2013 21:52

Penis breaker has to do with ops who spend so much time on so many threads 23 hours a day and have lost all connection with rl that they don't know what they are saying anymore and neither do we...

CharityFunDay · 21/10/2013 21:55

The OP isn't convinced there's an affair already going on. She has never said that.

She refers to her husband's friend as the 'Other Woman' in the thread title.

What are we to take from that?

Scarynuff · 21/10/2013 22:44

penis beaker brought a massive amount of attention to mn and created an influx of new members so there's a lot of, I don't know, jostling going on atm.

Shapechanger · 21/10/2013 23:26

I hate it when married men ( or women) start avery close friendship with a member of the opposite sex...It just isn't appropriate. Their closeness and specialness takes away from your own relationship with your husband.

This is a totally depressing statement. Sorry to single out this poster when there are so many on here with similar views. It's absolute rubbish IMO. Just because you are married doesn't mean you own someone.

Why do so many women think it's OK to police their men and shut down any friendship with another woman? This poor woman is described as the OW in the OP with no evidence whatsoever. Both couples seem happy.

It's bollocks to say that if you feel threatened by your partner becoming friends with someone of the opposite sex then 'out of respect' they should shut down the friendship. What about your partner's wants and needs - for company, for humour, for intellectual stimulation etc? Marriages are stronger if people are secure enough not to try to be all things to their partner, but to let them grow and thrive as individuals with other people in their lives.

Why always the assumption that some scheming woman wants to steal the precious husband (do you really think she wants your clapped-out older man?)

Is it reasonable that after marriage literally half of the human race becomes off-limits in any capacity?

Anyone who wants to impose this on their partner is a bully and a loser, sorry.

BOF · 21/10/2013 23:33

"Is it reasonable that after marriage literally half of the human race becomes off-limits in any capacity?"

No, of course not.

But that isn't what the thread is about. It's about a man who has already crossed a line by getting involved with a woman whom he is messaging almost obsessively, and is disregarding his wife's justifiable disquiet about it. It's not a question of jealously preventing him ever having pals who happen to be women.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2013 23:36

I dont think the issue is men being friends with women (or vice versa) and those friendships becoming close. Its when the H (for the sake of argument, yes I know it could equally be the wife!) puts that relationship higher in his priorities than his wife. If he had a close friend that complemented his life and he hers, then no problem. But if the friendship takes more emotional energy than the marriage then yes, it is a problem. Thats how affairs (emotional or otherwise) start, because boundaries are blurred.

peggyundercrackers · 21/10/2013 23:38

shapechanger your absolutely correct. I also find it depressing so many woman are obviously insecure in their relationships and have little trust in their hubby that their behaviour becomes erratic.

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 23:41

peggy, you're so cooool, you're like the shining beacon of secure womanliness we should all aspire to. I wish I could be more like you.

Scarynuff · 21/10/2013 23:44

OP doesn't have a problem with him being friends with other women.

She has a problem with his relationship with (let's call her X).

She has a problem with it because it is different to any of his other friendships.

He is thinking about her and emailing her even when he is spending time with his family.

He doesn't do that with anyone else. Male or female.

However, I only know this because of OP's previous thread three months ago. She seems to have abandoned this one.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 23:52

^She refers to her husband's friend as the 'Other Woman' in the thread title.

What are we to take from that?^

That she's worried that this isn't just a friendship and never really was and that it might develop into an affair if her husband and his friend don't put in some boundaries.

From others' posts apparently the OP has been worried for months and in the summer was especially concerned because her husband would contact this relatively new woman friend on waking, communicate throughout the day and then during the evening at home. He was also buying the friend presents. The OP says he isn't in touch with any other friend that often, doesn't buy them presents and has never done this before.

I'd be frankly astonished if any naysayers here would be unpeturbed by that changed behaviour in their own partners.

To the extent that if anyone said they wouldn't be, I'd say they were either liars, or stupid.

nouvellevag · 21/10/2013 23:53

I've got to say, though, I'm not sure that a friendship taking more emotional energy than a marriage is the same as a friendship taking more emotional energy than a spouse is happy with. At best the OP's husband is being insensitive, because she is unhappy and her happiness should matter to him - but I know I put more emotional energy into my marriage than I would into composing a few emails a day!

I dunno - I'm just thinking of a friend of mine. We're both women, but both bi, and we have kissed a couple of times in the dim and distant past. Our level of contact goes through phases depending on our other commitments, but we are really close and there will be times when we talk on IM virtually every evening for weeks at a time - DH can tell I'm talking to her by my laugh! I visited her for the weekend a short while ago, slept in her house. I'm still not having an affair with her, nor am I putting more effort into our friendship than my marriage. DH is happy and trusts me. But if he took a mind to be suspicious, what would MN say about me? (FWIW, if he was worried about it then I would try to give him as much of me as he needed and show him how much I love him, but I wouldn't drop my friend either.)

It does also occur to me that the OP's husband might be overly excited about this dinner because he thinks his wife is finally feeling better about this friendship, or even just making a gesture to show she trusts him.

I'm not saying there are no issues here or that the OP should totally let down her guard, I'm saying we don't know.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2013 23:57

I see what you mean, but what I mean by more emotional energy is does he text or email or even thinking about his wife as often as the friend? Does he care what he wears when he is with her? Does his heart skip a beat?

I dont think that he is having an affair, he is CRAP at hiding it if he is! But I do think that he is absolutely ripe for one and if the friend made even the slightest move in that direction then he would be there with his pants down before she finished the sentence.