I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

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Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

Is she the one who was going rolling down the hill in a ball with your dh?

WHAT?!

Another posert had the same problem and invited ow round. Her dh sat at ow's feet gazing at her adoringly

Scarynuff I remember that... shocking!

When I first saw the title of this thread I thought madness! But on second thoughts it's not a bad idea after all. You can observe her behaviour and get the measure of her. Whether it's all very innocent, whether it's the prelude for an affair or whether she is just one of those females that laps up male attention. If I had to guess I'd go for the latter.

I think I remember your last thread. Is it right that your OH was not only emailing OW lots but also buying her little gifts and that he was sending her emails at 7am when he should have been helping with the kids etc?

I'm afraid I am very much of the "non cool" wife variety and think that your OH has crossed a line. It is clear that whether or not anything has happened he is investing too much into this relationship to the detriment of your relationship. If you are uncomfortable with it then that should matter to him but he seems to be taking no notice of the feelings of his wife and mother of his children - he is instead insistent on perusing this "friendship" with a colleague he has only known for a year or so.

I don't really understand when people say "oh but you wouldn't be bothered if it was a male" - well of course not as he is unlikely to have an affair with another man! Also even if it was a male friend it would be strange for him to be investing so much time and effort in a friendship!

Personally this would be a deal breaker to me and I would be telling him in no uncertain terms to cool it down.

I definitely would not invite this women into my home. In doing this you are legitimising the friendship and won't have a leg to stand on in future - if you ask him to stop contacting her you will meet with the response that you are all friends...oh you have met her etc. And do you really want to be friends with her?

I also think that it will not be fun for you. You sound like you are insecure about your age and looks and so it will be horrible for you looking at this young, pretty woman at your table. I'm sure you will be comparing yourself to her. Also it may be very embarrassing and humiliating if your husband is fawning all over her in front of you. What if he ignores you and pays more attention to her. What if she disagrees with you over something in conversation and he takes her side?

FWIW I work in a male dominated profession and spend all day with men in a small environment- the work is intense and I am very close to the team I'm in. I am happily married with small dc and get on very well with the men I work with (as I do the small amount of women). I wouldn't text or email my colleagues out of work as I know it can cause arguments.

Personally I believe its not their friendship that is the issue. I think its his disregard for your feelings. You need to be happy in your relationship and he needs to care about how his behaviour is affecting you. The communication when not in work if its continuous is disrupting and intrusive- this he could stop easily.

Good luck for the meal- I think its a good idea.

I was once in a play with a bloke and he clearly thought I was wonderful. His wife suddenly became my new buddy - loving, attentive, fabulous - initiated by her, though I responded in kind. Once the hots cooled off between me and her husband, she vanished. I had to respect her for that. She played a canny hand. (btw I was always, always circumspect, never ever - labouring this - gave him or her any reason to suspect that, in fact, I found him exceptionally attractive and was gritting my teeth to get through the play so I could be away from him.)

So, you could make friends with her, play the sisterhood card.

Your husband is being a dick btw. I would be tempted to find a hot young male friend to get excited and swoony about, invite to dinner, ask your husband what you should wear. Make comments that you're hardly going to take precautions to prevent yourself being stabbed in your vag by his penis. See how your husband likes that.

He is taking no notice of your obvious disquiet about this 'friendship'. It is inappropriate and imo he is asking for trouble. Big time.

With respect, the OP's 'obvious disquiet' appears to be limited to this thread. She would seem to be keeping up a façade of domestic normality while secretly snooping and spying behind the scenes. So perhaps it's not surprising that her OH hasn't cottoned on to how she really feels -- it's unfair to expect mind-reading.

My own take on it is: If they're not up to something behind her back (which is what the evidence strongly indicates) then they're hardly likely to set about it under her nose.

I shall be watching this thread with interest.

(And, if I'm honest, with a fair amount of suspicion that this could turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy in which OP will drive a wedge between herself and her OH by being obsessed with the idea of infidelity).

Could do with an update from the op so we at least know when the meal is!

What are you going to cook, OP?

She's gone on and on about it to her husband. Her obvious disquiet is obvious to him.

I reluctantly agree about the self-fulfilling prophecy but not because OP is 'obsessed with infidelity' but because her husband is a dick. She is rightly 'obsessed' imo. I'd be tempted to get the gloves off OP, make it clear that none of this is acceptable and set some boundaries. (I also notice that you gave her the cold shoulder when you met her yet she has powered on regardless.)

Your call. Either you blast her with impossible loveliness (sisterhood) or you get draconian with your silly husband. The woman who was suddenly my best friend was, I think, used to the routine because her husband was a dick, too.

Maybe you should ask HER husband when they come for dinner what he thinks about all the emails and chatting and YOUR husband really liking her and see what their reactions are.

I'm with Granville - excellent idea!

OR Say to the DH of the woman "Blimey did your DW put as much effort into how she'd look for my H as he did for her?" then sit back and smile sweetly.

But then I'm bitter, obvs

I would not invite them.

I would tell my dh that their relationship was not 'normal', regardless of whether he can see it or whether he agrees.

I would make him choose her or me.

Now, if there is nothing going on, of course he will choose you straight away OP. He will say, 'no-one can hold a candle to you, you are the woman that I want to be with and I won't let anything come between us, etc.'

However, if he starts to show any slight resistance 'But there's nothing going on, we are just friends, we work together, etc.' then you know there is more to it than he is admitting.

I'm naturally a total bunny boiler, but to me I do think it sounds like this may be innocent on his part or the last thing he'd want is her there in his house. She certainly wouldn't want it - or do you think she's the vindictive type??

He may have a little bit of a crush but it sounds more like friendship - he may know she's far too young for him but her friendship makes him feel young.

Whether its a good idea or not though is really more about your self preservation - are you just going to drive yourself crazy & imagine things that aren't there? You could end up making a total Pratt of yourself too & actually causing your DH to resent you?

When I said above that you should give him the 'her or me' ultimatum and see how he reacts, I didn't realise that you'd already made noises in that direction. Having read back, I see that his response was this:

when I have had a go at him about her, he will not give an inch. He says he likes her, she's great and he really enjoys her company and conversation, but that he loves me and is committed and faithful to me and has never given me any cause to doubt that.

He is giving you cause to doubt it though.

Right now, you are doubting.

Because of his actions.

So what are you going to do about it?

I'm sorry OP, but this thread absolutely screams emotional attachment to this woman. Trust your gut instinct because it's right.

Who emails someone several times a day not about work other than those infatuated with each other?

You hang up, no you hang up, no you hang up...

It's those initial stages and it may or may not become more but what he is doing already is enough.

Are you too frightened to give him the ultimatum? Why?

Menu suggestion for that dinner party:

Delice en Croute (catfood in puff pastry - oldgrandmama suggests 'Whiskas' would be eminently suitable for this dish)
Coq oh Vain et pommes maché, jus orientale (chicken giblets boiled with pumpkin left over from Halloween and overcooked watery potatoes mashed up with that rancid bit of butter OP found at the back of the fridge and a gravy made from boiled up bones she was going to give the dog, spiced up with a pinch of stale curry powder - EVERYONE has a little jar of stale curry powder lurking somewhere ...)
Dessert grande surprise (sour cream, mixed with that fourteen year old bottle of dodgy liqueur that someone gave you on their return from holiday and you've never dared open until now ... needs must and all that)

Sorry, OP, I'm not being helpful, but really, I think alarm bells must be ringing loud - at best, your man is being a silly, smitten twat, at worst, something is going on. If this dinner goes ahead, watch carefully ...

Im afraid Im a cynic..after my h formed a close friendship with a woman who he worked with (he was her boss), his eyes would light up if her name was mentioned, they had lunch breaks together etc..they went on to have an affair which lasted three years and my marraige ended.

At the very least I think hes smitten,he has a crush on her, he is behaving like a lovesick teen, I would not personally have invited her to dinner.
I am afraid, I have heard all the lines, "we are just friends" "You are paranoid etc" but I think if your gut instinct tells you something, listen to it. If he bleats on about them just being friends and ignores your feelings on this friendship..that is highly suspect.

To take this to another level, what are you cooking and what are you wearing? You've invited them now, so you either set the stage by pulling all the stops out, or by trying to embarass him somehow.

I second trying to ask the other husband how he feels at some point?

However, if he starts to show any slight resistance 'But there's nothing going on, we are just friends, we work together, etc.' then you know there is more to it than he is admitting.

Either that, or he's thinking: "Fucking Hell, I didn't realise my wife was mental!" and wondering if he can edge his way to the telephone without being stabbed.

Seriously, though: You're saying that resistance to being forced to lose a friend is proof that he's being unfaithful? Really?

Just think for a moment how you might respond to the following situation:

A woman becomes good friends with a male colleague. The woman's husband becomes paranoid about this friendship, and takes to snooping and spying on her. He finds no evidence of an affair, or even of flitation, but is not dissuaded from his beliefs indeed he views the fact that they get on as a form of flirting. Eventually, he engineers a dinner invitation to the 'other man' ostensibly to be sociable, but in fact purely for the purpose of seeing how his wife and her friend interact. The results are inconclusive, but it's plain that his wife gets on very well with her male friend. Unable to bear his self-imposed torment any longer, the husband delivers an ultimatum: His wife must choose between her friend and him, regardless of the fact that his wife will still have to work with her friend whatever she does.

I think we'd all agree that the husband was a borderline control freak with severe issues, to put it mildly.

I am prepared to be proven wrong (it happens, occasionally ) but I suspect OP is being a bit silly. To put it mildly.

• since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy
• He even talked about what he's planning to wear
• He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat...

This is just not normal behaviour for a male who isn't interested in a woman. The signs are so clear to see. How OP's husband can simply dismiss this behaviour is beyond me. He should be doing anything and everything possible to reassure her. OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

You're saying that resistance to being forced to lose a friend is proof that he's being unfaithful? Really?

Yes, really. Absolutely.

If my dh, who I know to normally be rational and calm, is upset because I am exchanging several emails a day with another man, then I would absolutely put a stop to it.

His happiness is important to me and I listen to his fears and concerns, as he does to mine.

That is what people do in a mutually loving and respectful relationship. They don't have one calling the other paranoid, or suggesting that they have mental health problems

There are far too many threads like this on mn and they all follow the same script. You can spot the signs.

Oh the mere fact that he went straight to a spurious defence that OP is thinking there was a chance his penis would fall into the woman's vag set the alarm bells ringing for me - there's an emotional connection which is taking away from the OP's marriage.