I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

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Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

Yes record, I would invite a good friend and ask her to be my eyes, I would not want to look over observant

English is not my first language, sorry but I can not think of another word

Appear over observant

SAHM's do leave the house, fgs.

Yes but it's accepted that one of the reasons male-female friendships are more common is because of women entering the workplace. The OP is acting like she's not used to seeing men and women have a close friendship. Also she seems extremely envious of this woman, in a way that comes across as pining for a life she doesn't or no longer has.

Anyway I'm far more interested in the recording proposal. Maybe the OP should go the whole hog and set up a two-way mirror. Then a friend could watch in real time and perform a citizen's advice if the DH does go a bit puppy eyed.

Ooh, yes invite a friend, that's a good idea.

Look, OP, if you really don't want to go through with it that's fine. He's got you so that you don't know whether you're coming or going. You don't know what to think or how to feel.

Let me tell you this. Trust your instincts. Go with your gut feeling. You don't need proof or anyone else's permission to say 'I am not happy with this situation and I am not going to put up with it'.

If you want to cancel do it and tell him why. Tell him this relationship is impacting on your marriage and your own personal happiness. Then ask him what he's going to do about it.

OK, I read the first page then skipped to the end but I would think if I were the"OW" in that situation and something was really going on, I would f have accepted the invitation to dinner for fear of giving myself away.

There was another very similar thread where the OP's husband developed a friendship with another woman. No proof.

She was suspicious but couldn't quite make herself believe he was doing it. She was frightened to challenge him. Eventually, with the power of mn behind her, she did bring it up and, like your dh, he said they were just friends, etc.

After a while, like you, she started a second thread with the same ongoing problems. Again, with support and lots of advice, she told him how she felt. He still resisted but she pushed and pushed until he finally admitted that he had become emotionally involved with the ow.

He agreed to put some boundaries in place but refused to stop seeing her. OP is not happy but has stopped posting about it. For now.

These things do happen and they can seem very innocent to start with. This is why I say trust your own instinct. You can't articulate what it is, you can't put your finger exactly on the problem, you can't find evidence to back up your suspicions. But you know.

Tell him that it has to stop and see what he says. That will tell you a whole lot more about how he feels about her.

But what exactly has to stop? They work together - is he supposed to change job?

They don't work in the same office. I mean the 'several emails a day' and basically the things that are impacting on OP's marriage.

But how will she monitor that? They could be emailing or IM-ing all day at work and she wouldn't know.

Wips, have you been reading the thread at all ?

Yes.

These things do happen and they can seem very innocent to start with.

Of course they do. But to suggest that any given innocent situation either is or will be a full-blown affair is very irresponsible.

This is why I say trust your own instinct.

Presumably, you also lay bets based on 'hunches'.

Are you rich yet?

You can't articulate what it is, you can't put your finger exactly on the problem, you can't find evidence to back up your suspicions. But you know.

So a 'suspicion' is the same thing as 'knowing'.

You're not a police officer are you, by any chance?

Tell him that it has to stop and see what he says. That will tell you a whole lot more about how he feels about her.

Yes, because of course demanding to control who your partner associates with is a completely reasonable thing to do, and any innocent partner would immediately accept this without question -- and if he doesn't then obviously he's having an affair.

I am very good friends with a married man. He cares for me and I for him. We just get each other, we both like walking in all weathers and we do text each other. I am also friends with his wife. I respect their marriage and the love they have for each other. It can work. We all agreed on total transparency in the relationship. His wife knows that we care for each other but she knows that he is committed to her and I respect that.

J

Wips if he is going to have an affair he will. At the moment that is not OP's concern.

What she is bothered about is the amount of time and headspace he is giving this woman, like no other friend he has ever had.

And having told him how she feels, he is denying what she sees right in front of her eyes.

Been on both sides of this one but will not make the mistake of projecting personal experiences onto OP'S situation.
Suffice to say think scaryf/AF and others with her line of thought are wise women.
The dinner invite is tomorrow I Believe so am thinking will go ahead.
Hopefully this event will shed light on the issue. If not imo if the friendship continues in the same way eg H happy as Larry OP not something will give eventually. Just be aware OP it could drift for years meaning u will be unhappy for years. TBH agree with whoever said real problem appears to be disrepectful H at the mo .

Is this thread still helping you OP?

Only it seems to be providing a strange sort of entertainment and preoccupation for some others who don't seem to want to help you, who are treating this thread as a bit of a sport on what must be a dull Tuesday evening for them.

You could develop a 'stomach bug' and regretfully have to call it off at the last moment. You don't have to go through with it OP.

I have pressed the 'hide poster' button SF

I have my tinfoil hat on

I don't think you're mad at all.

I'm very accepting of opposite sex friendships - my husband goes out to lunch with female friends often, and I have male friends who I do the same with. I've never once had a worry about any of them.

With an ex of mine, it was the same, right up to the time he met 'H'. She was recently divorced and they became good friends. Not a problem... that was until I noticed that she started doing things like texting him a 00.01 on his birthday to say Happy Birthday, and late evening texts, early morning texts etc.

He was happy to show them to me - without my asking. I warned him that she was after him, and he swore they were just friends and she was just trying to get a social life together after her divorce. I was apparently jealous and imagining things.

Then she invited him to a party in the city where she lived - 2 hours from where I lived. Since it was so far, he could stay at hers, she had a spare room. I offered to pay for a hotel and he said I was mad, he didn't fancy her and didn't I trust him. I said I trusted him fine, but what did he plan to do when she climbed into bed with him naked?

I have no idea what actually happened, but the night of the party, ex turned up at mine at 4am - there was never another text or phone call or anything from H again.

It's the only time I have ever felt anxious and I suppose jealous, and it appears I wasn't reading things wrong.

There may well be nothing in it from one or other side. I'm pretty sure my ex just 'didn't get' what H was thinking and up to - despite my spelling it out. I don't think it's 100% harmless platonic friendship. Your husband is behaving a bit lovesick. Question is what to do.

I think the dinner may well be a good idea. I hope it goes well. Just don't feel that you are going mad and imagining things. I don't think you are in the sense that there is an abnormal level of interest, but I don't think it means that there is an affair or anything of that sort going on. But it is a potentially dangerous situation for one or other or both making complete fools of themselves.

Listen to your gut instinct op..Ive got the horrible feeling this is going to go not the way you want it too. It sounds like your dh is in the obsessed stage, he has little consideration for your feelings right now.
The ow wont be put off by you inviting her into your home either you're just enabling them to hurt you more.

You are giving them permission to build on their relationship.