I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

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Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

Are we having an argument ?

... advice on how I should format my posts.

Italics are less shouty. Or you could actually reply, as in conversation.

Question - why would a very clever, very pretty, very attractive woman who could seduce just about any man she casts her eye upon, who also has a lovely husband and lovely kids, want to fuck some old bloke who she works with?

If she's after a casual affair, (allowing for a career, kids, a husband etc) why would she be all over op's hubby? Would you, dear reader, if you were in this womans position?

Or you could actually reply, as in conversation.

I shall use italics from now on, then. Thanks.

The trouble with 'just replying' is that it becomes unclear which part of which statements you are replying to. I do not intend to change this part of my method of posting. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I can't remember ever commenting on how someone formats their posts before. (Plenty of commentary of content of course..)

CFD I know you think I am being bitchy, but I doubt very much I am the only one irritated that every time you add a post it fills the whole of my laptop screen with bolded quotes and in-ya-face responses to every one

it's choppy and breaks the flow of the thread (especially for those not particularly interested in your take on virtually everything that everybody else has already said)

like garlic said, this is a chatty site, conversations that flow are much easier on the eye whether one agrees with the content or not

as I said though, you don't have to give me any headspace at all, do what you like

Ok, if you're open to suggestions Charity I will engage with you. (Btw it's ok to put names in bold, not shouty )

Asking me if I'm rich because I've advised a poster to trust her instincts.

Asking me if I'm a policeman.

These were unnecessarily smart remarks which don't help the debate or the OP.

If you don't agree with someone else, that's fine but you can't force them to change their opinion by trying to dominate them.

I know your opinion and I know you're not likely to change it. That's ok. I'm not trying to change your opinion. I'm just responding to the OP and, sometimes, other posters if I think it's relevant.

honestly, CFD, most of us have more than a couple of synapses, we can see how a conversation develops

or just highlight the poster name ?

just a thought

Trolling ? yup, that'll be it

OP I hope this thread has given you some support, despite the disagreements and differences of opinion.

Ultimately no one knows your DH here as well as you, you know him, his behaviour patterns and how he reacts to situations and people.

What some very wise people on here are familiar with are patterns of behaviour. And if I were in your shoes, having been in a similar situation my spidery senses would be tingling.

I mat be wrong but I think the dinner will probably make things a lot clearer for you. I'm not sure I would have been able to go through with it personally, but I spent years with my head in the sand (what I wouldn't have given for MN then!)

I do know, with the benifit of hindsight that it is always better to know exactly what the situation is. Good luck and I hope it turns out well.

Ok, if you're open to suggestions Charity I will engage with you. (Btw it's ok to put names in bold, not shouty smile)

Asking me if I'm rich because I've advised a poster to trust her instincts.

I think this was fair comment. Are all instincts trustworthy? No, of course they are not. Perhaps I should have restricted myself to saying 'Not all instincts are trustworthy', but I felt a little more expressive than that.

Asking me if I'm a policeman.

That was because you conflated 'suspicion' with 'knowledge'. You were at fault, not me. I felt this was a silly and dangerous thing to do, and so used sarcasm. Is this against some MN rule? If so, a lot of posters are in trouble.

These were unnecessarily smart remarks which don't help the debate or the OP.

So now I'm not allowed to be sarcastic in response to (what I perceive as) foolishness?

Who do you think you are?

Also, just because I disagree with a majority does not mean I am not 'helping the debate'.

And as for the suggestion that I am not 'helping the OP', my intention is to provide a counter to (what I perceive as) some of the alarmingly unsound advice she is being given.

My intent is to help the OP. It's a shame you apparently can't appreciate that. I know you're trying to help too. It's fine to disagree on how to do this.

Rather than personalising your arguments, it might 'help the debate' if you were to present reasoned counter-arguments to my comments.

After all, if they're so 'unhelpful', you will have no difficulty in pointing out exactly why, will you? (In case it is unclear, my suspicion is that you cannot do this).

If you don't agree with someone else, that's fine but you can't force them to change their opinion by trying to dominate them.

WTF? 'Trying to dominate'? I'm presenting my opinion, and backing it up with reasoned argument. I'm allowed to do that. Or is actually presenting your reasoning a form of 'intimidation'? You're free to ignore it. So is OP.

I know your opinion and I know you're not likely to change it. That's ok. I'm not trying to change your opinion. I'm just responding to the OP and, sometimes, other posters if I think it's relevant.

Snap.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense for tonight. I shall await tomorrow's post-match report from OP with interest.

CFD This thread is not about you. And it's not AIBU. I would suggest that it might be more helpful to try and be a little less ridged in your verbose responses and remember that is a real persons life. Not some abstract debate.

My advice is to concentrate only on the posts that offer you advice and help.

Ignore the rest. They aren't being written to help you and some of these people probably aren't even in a relationship, nor have ever been in one which is in in any way similar to yours. Seems to me they are just here for a fight with other posters and to take the piss.

A poster (garlic?) gave you a great link to a book that looks tailor made for your problem. Did you click on it? I googled it a bit more (it's called "Not just friends") because a friend has just experienced something like this and I think I'll buy it for her. It seems to be saying what some of the better writers on this thread have been telling you. That affairs happen when someone has no boundaries and doesn't think they are necessary. The author is an experienced therapist too. Surely her views and all the research she must have done carry more weight than people who for all you know, have no experience to offer?

Your husband should read it. Would he?

CFD your sincerity in wanting to help the OP might be more evident if you posted to her, rather than fighting with every appearance of relish with other posters. If you want to have a spat, then perhaps AIBU or PM might be a better place for it.

OP I've not posted because I don't honestly know what to say. I hope it works out well for you and I hope this situation dissipates somewhat. Good luck.

CFD This thread is not about you. And it's not AIBU. I would suggest that it might be more helpful to try and be a little less ridged in your verbose responses and remember that is a real persons life. Not some abstract debate.

Head ---> desk

It is precisely because it is a 'real person's life' (actually, two or more people's real lives) that I am pointing out two things: (1) Innocent until proven guilty and (b) and most importantly that the well-meaning 'advice' offered by people with no first-hand experience of OP's situation, and only having her unfounded suspicions to go on, might not be rational or reliable.

Bottom line: I don't want OP to risk a massive fuck-up due to what some over-suspicious interfering wally on Mumsnet says.

OP wanted advice. I have as much right to give mine as anyone else.

When I am attacked personally, I will respond.

I hope this was concise enough for you.

Are you in a long term relationship with children Charity? Do you have first hand experience of being in a long term relationship with children and a partner who is contacting a new work mate lots of times a day when he's never done that before and doesn't contact any of his friends that much and never has, even when they were new?

Did you read that book link and see that an apparently esteemed author and therapist disagrees with your advice?

Whose advice do you think the poster should take? Yours or this Dr.?

I'm with CFD on this re the ''over-suspicious interfering wally on Mumsnet'' comment.

MN / Relationships seems to be overly populated with people who've had the shitty end of the stick, which of course, is entirely to be expected. It's not a forum full of ''oh wow, my dp bought be a lovely bunch of flowers to day, I'm so happy'' threads.

So most posters here tend to be those who've had a hard time from their partners, and respond accordingly, as in, once bitten, twice shy, which, again, is entirely to be expected.

Meanwhile, in op's case, nothing has happened (imho, nothing is going to happen) but a large number of responses here are telling op to expect the worse, I'm just surprised there's been no, ''call the police / dirty beast / LTB'' comments as yet.

MN seems to be populated by lots of people who have DEALT people the shitty end of the stick too.

As you'd expect.

So they are just as much influenced by their experiences, obviously.

But quite a few writers here apparently haven't either been unfaithful or had it done to them.

The Dr. in the book is objective too as far as experiences go, by the looks of things.

Do any of these writers on the thread have any of their own citations to back up their points of view I wonder?

I am not stupid enough to give away details of my personal life and circumstances to any old random on the internet, tonandfeather.

I missed the link to the book, could you provide it again please? TIA

I have never been treated like this, so I am not one of those mythical MN'ers who've had the shitty end of the stick

I can see when others are though, and would like to give them validation that they don't have to put up with it

"Not Just Friends" has been linked more than once on this thread and is the go-to reference when people are playing fast and loose with their relationship

here

Like this bloke is

I have not been treated like this OP but I have seen it happen to others on mn and in rl.

Emotional affairs which are conducted in plain sight are the hardest to acknowledge. This is not someone sneaking around behind your back and hiding evidence because he knows he is guilty. This is someone who could be developing an emotional attachment to another woman.

Has he withdrawn from you emotionally? Because that is another one of the signs, together with the mentionitis and being excited about seeing her.

You are the only one who knows your dh and your feelings are what they are. Don't feel that you have to supress them.

Of course an emotional affair conducted in plain sight could also be a friendship. I think the Shirley Glass quiz is quite instructive www.shirleyglass.com/process_quiz.php as it makes clear that hiding things and having a relationship you wouldn't want your partner to see are part of the patter.

Can it be an emotional affair if the "OW" thinks it's just a friendship? Because she has no romantic interest in some saggy man 20 years her senior. I have no doubt the DH is acting like a man with a crush, but I also think a new friendship can do that, especially if it's with someone much cooler than you. Both the DH and OP seem in awe of this woman, but for him it can manifest itself as a puppyish friendship and the OP is translating those feelings as a threat.

Of course these things are a slippery slope, every affair starts with a natural, innocent gesture but not every innocent gesture becomes an affair. There is no evidence that this woman has consented to being "the other woman".