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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Asked 'd'p to marry me. He said no.

115 replies

MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 01:51

Been together 7 years. 2 kids. No reason. Feel like shit.

OP posts:
MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 01:52

Stupid stupid feminist ideas. It's true if they don't ask they're just not that into u. I need to leave I think but kids would be heartbroken. What do I do now?

OP posts:
TaraKnowles · 19/10/2013 01:53

Oh no. Is marriage a deal breaker? Could this be a good get out for you? Silly old man.

Cerisier · 19/10/2013 01:54

What were his reasons?

Cerisier · 19/10/2013 01:56

PS Sorry you are feeling down. Whatever his reasons he shouldn't have made you feel like this.

lifesgreatquestions · 19/10/2013 01:56

Sorry to hear that OP. What reason did he give? Did you talk about this in the past? When my DP and I got together we knew we would never marry, but then one of could at any time change opinion on that.

CharityFunDay · 19/10/2013 01:57

OK, so call me stupid, but you've been with him for seven years and raised a kid so far, and only now you raise the question of marriage?

Why hasn't it been important so far to date, and what on earth makes you think he should by 'in synch' with your (no doubt very private) feelings on the matter?

TaraKnowles · 19/10/2013 01:57

Your children by fact that you've been seven years are little enough for you to make a life for them and to meet somebody that does want to marry you. Do to have a women's service for advice?

CharityFunDay · 19/10/2013 01:57
  • Be, not by
MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 02:02

No reasons given. I asked 2 weeks ago, seemed quite ok with it but then never mentioned. I asked, got fobbed off. Had a drink tonight, asked again, he gave some crap about 'another thing to sort out' & fucked off to bed. Humiliated doesn't come close :-(

OP posts:
MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 02:04

I have no ideas what last 2 posters are on about,sorry!

OP posts:
claraschu · 19/10/2013 02:08

That feels so sad to me. Still, I think possibly marriage just doesn't mean much to him, and he doesn't realise how important this is.

At least, that is what I would say if your relationship is wonderful enough that you just proposed out of love for him. How is your relationship in other ways?

MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 02:10

Is any relationship wonderful enough to withstand total humiliation for one party? It's not even like his parents are divorced. I feel totally crushed.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/10/2013 02:15

I might be wrong, but the posters are asking why you've just jumped in with the question without having tested the waters before on the subject.

That they think you'd maybe know how he feels about being married after seven years?

Has he never indirectly commented on marriage before now?

Anything to give you an inkling that it's not really for him?

And why ask him now?

Has anything happened to make you feel insecure in your relationship?

lifesgreatquestions · 19/10/2013 02:17

He needs to talk with you, walking off isn't ok, I would also feel awful in your shoes. Could he be worried about something and unable to express it? As I type I know full well that it's his responsibility to come to you now with explanations and not your role to have to chase him out of a man cave demanding explanations.

claraschu · 19/10/2013 02:17

I am so sorry.

I just meant that the fact you proposed suggested to me that you loved him and were happy before this happened (because you felt like proposing). Then I was wondering if maybe marriage just didn't mean much to him (another thing to sort out), which doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love YOU very much.

Of course, I am just groping in the dark here. So sorry you are feeling like this, and yes, I would be very upset too.

MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 02:22

Well it took a lot of guts for me to ask. Having always hoped he would. I clearly stated, in writing, after dc1 that I wanted to get married. I feel like nothing.

OP posts:
MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 02:23

Dc2 was left totally up to him.

I thought we were happy. More fool me.

OP posts:
MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 02:26

So sad. Don't know what to do. Feel angry he's rejected me wholesale & fucked off to bed.

OP posts:
lifesgreatquestions · 19/10/2013 02:28

Wake him up?

trianglecirclesquare · 19/10/2013 02:39

Oh, Martin, that's awful. I'm so sorry. It doesn't sound like you two are able to discuss the problem honestly, either. That's probably worse than not wanting to marry you.

AgentZigzag · 19/10/2013 02:45

You're thinking that him saying no to marrying you is an accurate measurement of his love for you.

Like Clara says, if you were happy before this then this one thing shouldn't bring it all crashing down.

Are you insecure about your relationship with him?

I'm just wondering why it took so much guts for you to ask, why you feel so rejected and crushed (and what his parents marriage has to do with it Confused).

You sound as though you're feeling you've put yourself out on a limb and the risk hasn't paid off.

But this is your DP of seven years, why is him saying he's not up for it enough to floor you?

MokuMoku · 19/10/2013 02:47

Maybe he eloped as a teenager and never divorced or something like that? Maybe he just hates the whole idea of the ceremony.

I know lots of people who are in long term commited relationships and no desire to marry. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but he should be able to give a better reason.

Isetan · 19/10/2013 05:20

I have to agree with AgentZigzag, two weeks ago the relationship was good enough for you to propose marriage and because your proposal was declined you're embarrassed and talking about ending the relationship. You're upset, in the circumstances thats understandable but take a breath.

Is being married a deal breaker? It sounds like marriage was something you aspired to but obviously wasn't a deal breaker, as you have been together seven years and have two children.

What has reignited the current desire to get married? Your OP gives the impression that your current motivation for marriage is seeking reassurance, you may have doubts about his love and commitment and him wanting to marry you would prove this to you. If you have doubts about his love and commitment proposing marriage was never a good way to allay those fears. Whatever the deficiencies in your relationship are, getting married could never fix them.

He should never have given you the impression that marriage was in your shared future if he didn't want to get married and you should never have stayed this long and had two children if this was so important to you.

Marriage is a personal concept, its symbolism isn't universal to us all. Its aspirational but in reality, it doesn't symbolise forever simply because 1 in 4 end in divorce. So many people are focussed on the romance and the big day that they ignore the contractual side of things and only really understand the details of said contract when they embark upon its dissolution.

He handled it badly and should been more tactful but sounds like he panicked and ran away. Once you have calmed down and examined and understand why you want to get married you need to have a conversation. In the end this could be a good thing, if it brings some uncomfortable relationship truths into the light.

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/10/2013 06:52

OP... do you have jointly owned assets, shared wills, joint pension arrangements? In other words, are you fully part of each others lives in a legal/financial/inheritance sense and the marriage request is because of a romantic idea of emotional commitment? Or are you asking him to marry you because you feel insecure/vulnerable with the current arrangements?

dimsum123 · 19/10/2013 07:07

He hasnt rejected you. He's still there isn't he?

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