Asked 'd'p to marry me. He said no.

[MartinPlattRGN]

Been together 7 years. 2 kids. No reason. Feel like shit.

I hate to break it to you SolidGoldBrass but we still don't have the right to refuse sex with our husbands and have anything done about it if he ignores us. I got a letter from the CPS today to tell me so.

Em, what? We don't have the right to refuse sex with our husbands? Am I missing something?

Rape in marriage was criminalised in 1991, before then it was just grounds for divorce.

With the OPs thing (apologies haven't read the whole thread), I think blokes don't have the same urge to marry. DP says he'd marry me tomorrow but isn't vaguely interested in a wedding, he'd only do that for me. Blokes are weird. If you're happy apart from this perceived snub, hang on in there. He prob doesn't realise how he's making you feel.

We have the right to refuse sex with our husband evelynj but if he takes no notice there is no way for the CPS to be sure enough of conviction for them to charge him.

Four emails where he admits it aren't enough to see him required to face a court apparently, It came as quite a shock to me when I got the letter as I've always trusted the law until now.

So sorry freemanbatch, that's awful xx

Freeman, that is horrific, I'm sorry this has caused you pain & shocked that it's a 'grey' area at best. Thanks for the education too.

Op-if you were happy before, please don't let this ruin a relationship if it's previously been good. Remember we don't have a right to get married & to him this may seem out of the blue. I think mumsnet is good for garnering opinion but those who shout loudest arent always right-we're all different & you need to find out his reasons rather than assuming. None of us know what they may be. You've said his parents aren't divorced. Being the product of an idyllic marriage can have it's own strains on what to live up to also. try not to make any rash decisions, but maybe take some time to reflect & decide what you want & why. If it's hard to talk, put it in a letter as then you can really refine what you want to say without getting so distraught that you forget something or don't come across the way you want to.

Marriage is not the most important thing in a relationship. Look after yourself x

OP I am sorry people are not listening to you here before going off on their theories about marriage.

I heard how much this public declaration of commitment to you means for you, and I heard your sense of rejection, feeling unloved and unvalued, and your crushing hurt.

How are you now, and what are you feeling? What are you going to do?

This tbh is a edge of the cliff moment. IF you back down from your stated need (for him to publicly declare his love and commitment to you), the power balance in your relationship will shift hugely in his favour. This will be a big sign to im that his needs are always the ones that count, and that you don't have to be listened to.*

This is why you are so devastated. This is a big test, let us know what happens.

I really do hope you don't roll over and back down from something that is IMPORTANT TO YOU. YOUR NEEDS MATTER. I hope you calmly announce that you feel devastated and could he moved out for a few weeks to give you some thinking space. If he refuses, then perhaps YOU can move out, go on a holiday all by yourself for a week, see how he does juggling work/kids/housework. Or you could shun him. Act as though he doesn't exist for a week, from eye contact to washing to cooking to conversation to sex.

We make a huge mistake when we continue to provide ourselves and our services as though they are part of the air that everyone breathes.

*These dynamics are important and happen whether married or not.

Did you speak to him about it yet OP, or are you going to just let it all blow over until next time?

How are you OP?

Wellwobbly, an amazing post! I was reading the thread trying to find the words to my thoughts. But i dont need to now - your post sums it up for me.

I agree wholeheartedly with the dynamics. When one person wants something which the other doesnt (a baby, marriage, sex, moving in together etc) the person that says no often ends up with the "power" and their words goes.
This can be hugely soul destroying (I lived like this for many years) as it feels like your thoughts and feelings do not count and it feels like you are the only one compromising.

I can relate so much, as I lived with my oh like this for over 8yrs. It.hurts.like.hell. My oh and I are happy now- we have a beautiful son :), are getting married next year etc. My boys are my world but I have fought so hard to get us here.

I dont want to publish my story as a) dont want to sidetrack post and b) unless it would help OP it is irrelevant.

Just wanted to send a cyberhug - and say I get it . I get you!

I'm with wellwobbly too. It doesn't matter what other people thinks about marriage, what is important is what is important to you.

Personally, in the same way that some people are not bothered about being married or not, I know that I (myself and I) would feel not "the one" if a man I have been with for a long time didn't ask me to be his wife. I perfectly understand your wish to probably move on. I have been there, and the fact the guy proposed after I said I was leaving him didn't help as I felt he had propossed under duress, even when he was asking me to take him back for 18 months :-(

wellwobbly good post.

I think his reaction to your proposal and his behaviour towards you tell you a lot more than the "no" he gave you.

You are gutted, because you opened your heart to him and served your love on a plate to him. For him to trample on it and stomp off to bed. Alone. You are hurt because it tells you all you need to know about his regard for you and his commitment to you.

Excellent post from Wellwobbly!