Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asked 'd'p to marry me. He said no.

115 replies

MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 01:51

Been together 7 years. 2 kids. No reason. Feel like shit.

OP posts:
brettgirl2 · 19/10/2013 07:39

You need to talk to him op is there someone who can look after the children for a couple of hours?

One other thing that noone has mentioned is money, my dh is terribly stressy about spending large amounts of money if he hasn't planned for several years to do so. (We don't have money problems btw its just how his little brain is wired).

MissStrawberry · 19/10/2013 08:12

No excuses for the way he spoke to you. Moaning that more to sort out? Shock

I would wait to see if he brings it up this morning but if he doesn't words should be had.

He could have said no, nicely and with love.
He could have said he needed to think about it.

windywoo26 · 19/10/2013 08:15

So sorry you are feeling so awful. Only you know your relationship with your partner and whether getting married is a deal breaker for you. I can only pass on my experience with my OH.

We had been living together for 5 years, were planning on starting a family and lived together for 2 years. I was desperate to get married, but also knew my OH is not the type of man to want me to be the one proposing. He is also not v romantic so I wanted to hear the words from him. After a while of waiting for him to pop the question I was wrecking every event by expecting him to go down on one knee. I eventually exploded and asked him "are you ever going to f**king marry me?", his response was "I don't know". He did reassure me that he loved me, wanted to be with me etc but just didn't see the point of getting married. I was gutted and spent a lot of time thinking about whether this was make or break. After my outburst there were a few more 'discussions' in a similar vein. It took about 6 months for me to accept I was not going to leave OH because of it even if I would always be disappointed. He then shocked me by proposing v romantically and we married 4 months later. He needed the kick up the arse from me to think about it and decide for himself that he did want to marry. I think I eventually got the best of both worlds as I know he has chosen it rather than being forced.

You need to decide what you want from your relationship and what you are prepared to do. Take your time xx

TiredDog · 19/10/2013 08:22

I feel your rejection :(. You need to sit down and talk to him and say it feels like a rejection of you. It is at this point he has the opportunity to tell you it was a rejection of marriage not you.

I do wonder if you asked him now to a) test him b) given up hoping c) felt insecure.

Each of those are valid but may affect what you do now

Damnautocorrect · 19/10/2013 08:33

Like the pp says you need to talk to him. I wouldn't marry my oh for a number of reasons, none of those are to do with my feelings for him

Original poster
MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 08:49

All the legal stuff is sorted, I just thought it would be nice. He knows I would hate to be 'a bride'. We're not speaking this morning but I'm going out so he can stew cant he.

Our first dc was a surprise, for all the people saying how did we get this far etc., otherwise it would have been discussed.

OP posts:
Original poster
MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 08:56

To address a couple of points - I asked cos we have had a bit of a pants year and seemed to have come out of it stronger.

I am not a strong enough character to see this as anything other than rejection. To me the only reason is that he doesn't love me enough.
Neither of us are very expressive and I thought I would take the initiative. I really wish I hadn't.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 09:28

"I really wish I hadn't."

Why?

Would you be better off not knowing that he doesn't love you enough to marry you?

You know now where you stand.

And you can make whatever decision you choose based on that knowledge.

ALittleStranger · 19/10/2013 09:32

Martin it's not about being a strong character. This was a rejection and I'm sorry you're going through it. The problem is not just that he's said no but is behaving like an arse and not talking about it. If he has legitimate reasons for not wanting to get married (full stop, not wanting to marry you doesn't count as a legimtate reason) then he needs to talk to you about it. As it is he has said loudly and clearly that he doesn't want to commit to you and apparently talking about your relationship like adults is too much of a "hassle".

You say you put it in writing after DC1 that you wanted to get married. Did he ever acknowledge that? How did you react?

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 19/10/2013 09:39

To give you a different perspective.

I married dh because he wanted to get married. He asked several times and I suppose we were quite young and I wasn't assertive enough in my opinion. And it seemed very important to him. We have two children, we have been together 15 years. I probably shouldn't have got married. I love him. I love him completely. I never want to be with another person. I fully plan to grow old and grey with him. We have two children. We're extremely happy.

Had I had the courage of my convictions, I would have gently turned down his proposals. We'd still be together (I hope) and have our wonderful children. But if I'd managed to be firm back then and he'd asked now after 15 years and 2 children, as an older, wiser and more together adult, I'd have had no problems with saying no.

To me, there's no such thing as 'loving somebody enough to marry them'. You love somebody or you don't. You want to get married or you don't. You don't use one to measure the other.

One of the happiest relationships I know has lasted 35 years and 4 children. They got married last year and told nobody until they let it slip recently. They did it for practical reasons actually but it tells you nothing about their lives together.

I know you seem hurt but it's ludicrous that you can go from happy and secure with somebody to planning to leave because he has a different opinion to you. Talk to him today. Don't 'let him stew'. You aren't children, this isn't something he has to feel bad about. If he doesn't want to get married, find out why. Not being married to him has been enough so far. Why is it a dealbreaker now?

missinglalaland · 19/10/2013 09:44

I feel so bad for you Sad.

First I'd want to know his reasons. Is it you, or is it some abstract philosophy against marriage, or is he worried about a big wedding (not the same as marriage, but some people get them confused.) Because, if it is just an aversion to a big white wedding, the registry office and a nice meal out with the kids would be fine.

Having two children together is a lot of implicit trust and commitment. So, if it turns out he doesn't feel the same level of commitment you do, that is wrenching. For me, it wouldn't be enough. I'd be devastated.

If his explanation is lousy, or he can't even be bothered to even give you one, I'd start checking my legal and financial situation immediately. If he is a selfish jerk, don't let him waste any more of your precious life.

noddyholder · 19/10/2013 09:46

I said no twice still together after 22 yrs and happier than ever. ALL my closest mates divorced

ALittleStranger · 19/10/2013 09:47

Having two children together is a lot of implicit trust and commitment. Not necessarily so. I am constantly chastened by the number of people on MN (and real life) who seem to stumble into children. Having kids is a commitment to the child, not the co-parent.

lalalonglegs · 19/10/2013 10:05

^"I really wish I hadn't."

Why?

Would you be better off not knowing that he doesn't love you enough to marry you?

You know now where you stand.^

Not wanting to get married does not mean that he is not committed to you and your relationship. Please don't take some all or nothing stand on this - there could be a lot of reasons why he doesn't want to marry but at the moment your supposed rejection is making you see this as a black and white issue. All I'd be looking for is his reasons and making a decision based on those, not my (perceived) humiliation.

Nancy66 · 19/10/2013 10:10

Some people just don't want to get married. We're not married and have two kids and have been together over a decade now.

I guess if it's marriage or nothing for you then it's all over but is there no chance you could be happy as you are?

Roshbegosh · 19/10/2013 10:19

He is not rejecting you. He is just saying he can't take on another thing to sort out. What do you think that means? Is he feeling too stressed or overwhelmed after the bad year you have just come through? You need to talk not sulk and try to understand it from his point of view.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 10:21

"Having kids is a commitment to the child, not the co-parent."

In many cases it's a commitment to neither.

"You love somebody or you don't."

Digital love? An on-off switch? :o

So all the people you love or have loved in your life you have loved exactly the same amount?

I love lots of people. I have loved people before my husband. But he's the only person I've ever loved enough to marry.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 19/10/2013 10:24

His answer isn't really the problem here (IMO) it's his attitude.

Not everyone wants to get married, but in a long term relationship if the one of you does, the very least you owe each other is a decent discussion about it and to examine why you both feel the way you do and try to come to a conclusion that makes both of you happy.

When you say you have had a bad year - do you mean relationship wise or otherwise.

Also, what do you mean about leaving DC2 up to him? Do you mean whether you had DC2 or not?

You had an unplanned pregnancy - does he feel you 'trapped' him/do you feel like you did?

Lweji · 19/10/2013 10:36

You really need to get to the bottom of this.

Getting married doesn't have to be something big to sort out. You can just pop in to the registry office.

I do wonder with his evasiveness if he actually wants to say that he doesn't want to marry you. You will need to know why and he should tell you. Try not to sound too emotional, but I think on his response hinges the future of your relationship.

rachyconks · 19/10/2013 10:39

Maybe he didn't like that fact you asked him? Maybe he wanted to be the one to do it? Just a suggestion...

queenbitchapparently · 19/10/2013 10:39

I proposed in a beautiful amazing way, he said no too.
The he proposed 6 months later and wished he had said yes at the time but it took him off guard.
Men don't grown up thinking about how they get proposed to, I have now come to the conclusion that the whole proposal idea is bollocks and faux and would much rather have a conversation that came to a mutual decision.
I was uber hurt though and thought it was a reflection of his love for me (it wasn't it was a reflection of his feelings on marriage)
I loved him enough to let go of all my cynical bullshit and he didn't.
I haven't read the whole thread yet so if you haven't yet, chat with him get him to explain why, if it is the usual bullshit of it is just a piece of paper and doesn't change anything.
Explain what it means to you, then give it a little while.
Tell him you need to be free to talk about it when you want to because otherwise the resentnent will build up.
But that talking about it will make him feel pressured so beware.
It is a crap hole situation to be in but we are getting married in February so in this case no doesn't always mean no.
But also if you want something and your partner doesn't it can eat away, he may try to minimise eberything and tell you, you are over reacting don't let him.
If it is important to you then it should be important in the relationship

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 10:40

I don't think you need to get to the bottom of anything.

You can make your own decisions about what you want for your own future without running around after a man who is stonewalling you begging for a straight answer.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/10/2013 10:42

Lots of people don't approve of marriage and don't want to marry. That's not necessarily a bad thing (I know several couples who have been together but unmarried for a very, very long time - 30 years in one case). However if you have children/own property together, you do need to have things sorted out legally and it is true that the easiest way to do this is to marry - but if you really don't want to, you can make other arrangements.

However, if you and your DP have had a bad year, it's possible that he is thinking about ending the relationship and you are wanting marriage as a way of patching it up. This isn't going to work. You need to talk to him properly. If the relationship is failing, it's best to sit down and sort out a separation as amicably as possible. The end of a relationship is not the end of the world.

Lweji · 19/10/2013 10:43

Did you actually go with a full proposal, or just initiated a discussion about it?

I'm not sure if I proposed that I'd be fobbed off. I'd want a definitive yes or no, or a reason. Even if the reason was "I always pictured me asking you and I'm in shock".

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 19/10/2013 10:51

JoinYourPlayfellows, you are misunderstanding what I wrote and taking it out of context. When I say 'you love somebody or you don't', I am not talking about a general rule for all relationships or comparing between relationships. I mean that the fact of loving somebody can and should be separated from wanting to marry somebody in this instance. What the op is doing is extrapolating. He doesn't want marriage so he doesn't love her enough or isn't committed? I was making the point that the two can be mutually exclusive. You seem to equate marriage with love. Plenty of people don't. Otherwise you're implying that you love your husband more then other people love their partners just because you've been through a ceremony together. Can you see how ridiculous that is? Marriage is right for you. This doesn't tell us anything about how much you and your chosen partner love each other.

I know people who are married for all sorts of reasons, none of them to do with love. Some people use it as an expression of love. That's all fine as long as both parties are happy. But you can't use it as a measure for anybody else. People are in love or they are not in love. You can't say 'they got married to each other therefore they must love each other oodles and oodles forever and a day'. Marriage is not a measure of love, it's a decision people take (or sometimes is taken for them actually) for myriad reasons.