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Original poster

Asked 'd'p to marry me. He said no.

115 replies

MartinPlattRGN · 19/10/2013 01:51

Been together 7 years. 2 kids. No reason. Feel like shit.

OP posts:
YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 19/10/2013 10:51

I am not the marrying type. never have been, never will be.

its not about DP.
if its make other people happy then good for them.
but I don't see the point.

(I am not financially dependent on DP so I don't need the legal protection)

swallowedAfly · 19/10/2013 10:52

yes, i'm with lweji. it all sounds very passive - how do you not get an answer? how does it drift along ignored for a fortnight? how do you then just let him mumble something and walk off to bed when you repeat it?

i don't get it.

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 19/10/2013 10:54

"So all the people you love or have loved in your life you have loved exactly the same amount?"

And to respond to this, I don't rank the people I love or have loved as a hierarchy. I don't reward the 'winner' with a marriage ceremony. I simply love a mixture of people. The ways in which I love them are different. I love my dc very differently to the way I love my husband and in turn, love my parents very differently. I don't rank them in terms of my affection for them however. And I don't use an arbitrary measure to prove or disprove this ranking.

comewinewithmoi · 19/10/2013 11:00

Sorry op. that's just shit. If he loves you, he will marry you. Twonk.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 11:02

"Otherwise you're implying that you love your husband more then other people love their partners just because you've been through a ceremony together."

No, I'm not implying that. I'm saying that I love him more than other people I have had romantic relationships but that I didn't want to marry.

It can be the case that a person is committed long term and in love and doesn't want to get married.

But it can also be the case that someone loves you enough to have sex with you, go along with it when an unexpected pregnancy arises, choose to have another child with you, but still not actually really feel committed enough to marry you.

Presumably if this guy had any kind of moral objection to marriage, he might have mentioned it after the letter she wrote him years ago telling him that she wanted marriage one day.

I think the fact that she asked him to marry her a fortnight ago and he didn't even give her an answer makes her extrapolation of a lack of love for her entirely reasonable.

queenbitchapparently · 19/10/2013 11:02

I struggled with dp's reasoning which was he never wanted to get married.
I don't understand why anyone would make a decision like that before they were in a relationship.
why they would get so het up about not wanting to get married based on a set of flawed conceptions.
Now the same could be said for people that want to get married.
When I proposed I did it out if love, I love my oh so much that I wanted him to know and for me the biggest and best way to tell him that was to propose.
Maybe we live in a very flawed society that the brain follows the route that love means wanting to publicly commit to someone.
There really isn't anything else like it, though maybe buying a house together, but you can do that with a family member.
Obviously babies can be born without any love involved.
Choosing to get married is I suppose the ultimate show of love (I know there are lots of reason people get married)
It is the romantic ideal and I can understand why people get so attached to the idea.

evelynj · 19/10/2013 11:26

Aw I disagree that if he loves you he'll marry you.

When most people think of 'getting' married they think of the wedding rather than the marriage so this may put him off if he's thinking of a fancy affair.

Talk to him-even if you're not used to it, it feels good to be honest x

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 11:29

"When most people think of 'getting' married they think of the wedding rather than the marriage "

When most people WHO ARE MAKING UP EXCUSES FOR NOT GETTING MARRIED come up with reasons, this is one of the crappiest ones they trot out.

In reality, nobody with a brain thinks a marriage is the same as a fancy wedding.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/10/2013 11:56

Join
I'm not sure I agree with you. Her DP's reaction sounded a bit like the reaction of someone who is very stressed. It maybe that the tough year has taken its toll on him and he can't face dealing with anything else major in his life now. I've been in the position after a bad year of seeing organising a holiday I really needed as a negative and a burden instead of a good thing as I was worn out. I've seen the same with colleagues.

Maybe he was thinking - lets just have a quiet year with no surprises and no big dramas to recover from the pressure we have been under and so a wedding would be the opposite of what he wanted.

I'm not saying this definitely the case here just that its another perspective.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/10/2013 12:00

My DH made it clear from beginning that he was never ever going to get married again. Four years after we met we tied the knot. I have no doubt that he 'loves me enough' but more importantly that he 'loved me enough' in the first three years when he was absolutely adamant we would never marry.

Some men I believe just have an inbuilt run for the hills/panic/not on your Nellie button when it comes to the M word. But whatever it is it is not necessarily that he doesn't love you enough. You need to ask him how he feels about you without bringing up the marriage question again , you have a right to at least know the answer to that one!

FWIW my now DH came round to idea eventually but only when l started to give up on it and began making a 'safety net' life for myself in case we split up (getting my own property to let out in the meantime was the main thing that caught his attention). When he could see that l was considering a future life without him and realised therefore how very unhappy the silence of the wedding bells was making me he then started to suggest it , hint about it etc. and finally propose.

When we have spoken about it since he has always said that he absolutely did love me enough from very early on in our relationship and it was nothing whatsoever to do with that.

I wish you all the very best and l really hope you get your happy ending even if as others have said it sadly doesnt turn out to be with him.

RevelsRoulette · 19/10/2013 12:03

Isn't it better to know? Even though it's painful.

At least now you know he doesn't want to marry you. Much as that hurts, it's something that you needed to know. If marriage matters to you.

Now you need to have a proper conversation about marriage. How he feels about it, how you feel about it. If he won't talk to you about the subject, that's a problem.

Lweji · 19/10/2013 12:05

If the problem was things to organise the next year, he could easily have said, fine, but wait a bit until we recover from the previous year.

Viviennemary · 19/10/2013 12:13

Weddings seem to involve a huge amount of money and organing and upheaval. Perhaps that's what he's more concerned about. And perhaps he's just doesn't want a fuss and is happy to carry on the way things are. So it would be worth trying to find out his reasons. If he just doesn't want the commitment then it would be red flags for me.

PTFO · 19/10/2013 12:15

Oh dear. I can understand your hurt and that you think he dosent love you enough.

I think you need a chat. Ask him how he would feel if you said no and muttered something about something else to sort...
Ask why, I think you deserve that in the least, explain what it means to you. Humiliation aside how do you feel...

big hugs

Scarynuff · 19/10/2013 12:16

I can't believe all the posts about why he might not want to marry you/right now. The really important aspect is how horribly he treats you. I can't see why you want to marry him actually:

No reasons given. I asked 2 weeks ago, seemed quite ok with it but then never mentioned. I asked, got fobbed off. Had a drink tonight, asked again, he gave some crap about 'another thing to sort out' & fucked off to bed.

You asked two weeks ago and he said yes? Then, because he didn't talk about it, you asked again and he didn't give an answer? Then you asked a third time and, again, he didn't answer.

As Chipping said:

His answer isn't really the problem here (IMO) it's his attitude.

Not everyone wants to get married, but in a long term relationship if the one of you does, the very least you owe each other is a decent discussion about it and to examine why you both feel the way you do...

You raised a massively important subject and he just ignored you. That is a big red flag imvho.

NicknameIncomplete · 19/10/2013 12:27

I think you need to talk to him. Whether it is to find out why he reacted like that & if you can carry on as a couple or whether it is to talk about how you sort out the split ie who moves out, who has the children and when.

I dont think marriage is important in a relationship. I would like to get married again but it wouldnt be a deal breaker. Everyone is different.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/10/2013 12:28

Queenbitch your DH and mine sound like they were separated at birth. Grin So l don't think the OP should feel too hopeless in light of our two examples of complete converts.

I also agree with you about it being the ultimate show of love and that was the aspect of it that upset me the most and made me feel 'not quite good enough' when now DH was having none of it.
He once said 'why do l have to publically declare that l love you and shout it from the rooftops etc. I'm not bothered what other people think or know about us' But as l explained at the time - l don't care either , even if it's just me and you and two strangers in the room , I want to hear you 'shout it from the rooftops'.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/10/2013 12:43

Scarynuff very good point about the attitude/ delivery of his declination. Must say l have got so wrapped up in the point that not wanting marriage is not necessarily a red flag ime that l missed that side really. My DH l must say however entrenched he was in his anti marriage stance never once flounced off or fobbed me off. He was always quite apologetic and sensitive in his refusals and willing to discuss his reasons and reassure me he did love me very much. Still hurt like hell but diversely made me give up on the possibility much quicker and plan my alternative life if my future wasn't with him (are you taking notes OPs partner !).

happyhev · 19/10/2013 12:48

It doesn't matter that some people don't want to get married, the point is the OP does, and her partner is refusing to discuss the issue. If his refusal to even discuss marriage is a deal breaker for the OP then that is her choice and her feelings on the matter are perfectly valid.

noddyholder · 19/10/2013 12:51

It isn't the ultimate show of love If it was no one would ever get divorced. It is a financial contract

redundantandbitter · 19/10/2013 13:07

I feel for you. You sound hacked off but I agree with some of the other posters that you have has a bad year but come out of it well. He may be thinking he needs no more stress / financial commitments. It's more complicated than 'if he loved me he would marry me'. I asked my Dc's father. Muttered an 'ok'. But he never mentioned it again... I waited weeks and realised it meant nothing to him. Now I see it was a last ditch attempt (after 17 yrs) from me to see how he felt about me. We stumbled on, separated and he married a colleague from work 11 months later. You said you never wanted to be a bride - did you mean you don't see yourself in the traditional wedding scenario and your like something different?

rarerabitt · 19/10/2013 13:10

Do asked me 4 years in to our relationship

I started planning then unexpectedly got pg with dc2 4 months later had a miscarrige and wanted to plan again do didn't seem keen, making excuses in my emotional state I said now or never he said we will leave it a bit

That was 4 years ago now and he's now desperate to get married havin seenall our freinds who were together 5 mins do it. and I couldn't give a shit marriage doesn't benefit me practically anyway and I couldn't get over the rejection after waiting 4 years for the proposal

Anyway what I am Trying to say is I hate the point of view of let's wait for the man to come round he will when he's ready and you'll live happily ever after

Speak to him about his rejection and see if there's a way forward

If not protect yourself stay in the relationship if you want or not if you don't and make yourself financially independant so you don't need to rely on marriage to protect you in any eventuality

rarerabitt · 19/10/2013 13:10

Do not do

Scarynuff · 19/10/2013 13:28

Tell him today that you want a proper discussion about the future of your relationship.

Agree a time and agree the ground rules. No fobbing off, no walking off, no shouting or arguing, just a real heart to heart about what you both want, expect and need.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 13:31

OR tell him you have drawn your own conclusions from his crappy reaction to what was (even if he doesn't want to get married) a romantic and loving gesture and that it's time for you both to discuss the imminent end of your relationship.

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