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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to tell someone.

105 replies

Drowninginsorrow · 17/10/2013 07:56

Less than 3 weeks ago my son was born sleeping prematurely. I went into labour prematurely and they couldn't stop it. He was perfect but just too tiny. I have to arrange his funeral which is next week.

Five days later my husband confesses to having unprotected sex with a prostitute at the beginning of September whilst on a trip abroad. I would never have suspected and his confession has been devasting. I thought we were so happy.

I don't know how I am still managing to exist. My head is completely messed up. Please don't all jump in with ltb - before I can deal with anything else I have to bury my son.

Haven't told anyone in rl about what he has done - I feel so ashamed. I just need to be able to tell someone somewhere how Im feeling.

OP posts:
fieldfare · 17/10/2013 07:57

I'm so very sorry for your loss. X

JackieOHH · 17/10/2013 08:01

((( massive hugs))) firstly be kinder to yourself, you have NOTHING to feel ashamed about.
I'm so sorry about your son, I can't imagine how painful that must be.
Prioritise yourself now, do what needs to be done for your little boy, make sure you take care of yourself, and if possible, create some space between you and your husband. I'm not saying ltb or kick him out but ask him to do whatever you feel you need, if that's move out for a bit them do that.
But most importantly, be kind to you xx

RandomMess · 17/10/2013 08:02

So so sorry for your loss of your son and the relationship you thought you had. Please be very kind to yourself x

headlesslambrini · 17/10/2013 08:02

so sorry that you are going through this. My only advice would be to leave what your DH has told you until you feel strong enough to deal with that. Take it a day at a time. xx

Meerka · 17/10/2013 08:05

I am so sorry about your son and about this betrayal. All strength and support to you, drowninginsorrow

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 08:09

I am so sorry. There are no words Sad

NutritiousAndDelicious · 17/10/2013 08:10

I am so sorry for your loss.

After you bury your son, Please think about you. Put yourself first.

Seth · 17/10/2013 08:12

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling at your loss.

You should feel no shame about his actions. He has done this not you. I can understand why you don't want your circle of family and friends to know right now but it's too much to carry completely alone. Have you got one close friend who you feel you can trust? His actions don't deserve any airspace right now , but sharing with one other person and offloading might help park some of it to hep you to concentrate on the really important thing on your life. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 08:14

I'm very sorry for your loss and I'm appalled at your husband's confession and particularly his timing. The shame is all his, not yours. Good luck

mcmooncup · 17/10/2013 08:25

I am so sorry for your painful loss.

Another one to say this is not your shame. You have done nothing wrong,he decided to do it, no-one else. Clearly his feelings of guilt about doing it have overwhelmed him and so has confessed, which really is another act of incredible selfishness because of what you are going through right now. But at least you now know.

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."

I too would urge you to tell someone in RL. No-one will judge you. You have done nothing wrong.

jayho · 17/10/2013 09:10

I'm so sorry for your loss.

roguepixie · 17/10/2013 09:20

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words for this.

Please be kind to yourself. Please consider telling someone close to you - you have nothing to feel shame about, none of this is your fault, you have done nothing wrong.

niminypiminy · 17/10/2013 09:22

I am really sorry for your loss. That is a devastating thing to happen. I think you are right to know that you need to bury your son and to grieve, and to park all the other stuff while you do that.

When you feel ready to deal with what your husband has done there will be help and support here for you. In the meantime could you find someone outside the situation in RL who you could tell - someone who won't judge, and won't advise, but will just listen? A counsellor, or your local vicar, or even the Samaritans?

ksrwr · 17/10/2013 09:29

i am so sorry, i can't even imagine the pain you must be experiencing, you must be so completely heartbroken. i am so sorry for your loss.
i agree with the posters who say put yourself first, i dont think i would have any headspace to deal with an unfaithful husband after what you've been through, focus on greiving for your baby and talking about your grief and pain, the husband can wait. what a hideous individual.

SlightlyItchyBraStrap · 17/10/2013 09:37

So very sorry that you are going through this terrible time. Wishing you all the strength you need to lay your beautiful boy to rest. Would you like to tell us about him? Did you have a name? If you would rather not say more, just know we are thinking of you x

50shadesofmeh · 17/10/2013 09:43

I'm so sorry for your loss, incredibly selfish of your husband to tell you while you are grieving . It's ok if you put any reaction to what your husband has told you on hold till you are stronger, can you go somewhere you feel safe? Parents or a friends or can they come to you?

mumof5plusazoo · 17/10/2013 09:45

I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son.
Just take everything one step at a time. You will know what you need to do when you are ready.
Take care of yourself.

Twitterqueen · 17/10/2013 09:50

So so sorry.
Agree with everyone else, but I'm curious as to why your DH chose this time to tell you.
Was this some kind of misplaced, displaced guilt? He must be devasted too I think.

don't think about anything until you are ready. Your son deserves all your time and thoughts right now

50shadesofknackered · 17/10/2013 09:51

Oh, op, I'm so so sorry about your loss. Please, concentrate on burying your little boy, everything else can wait. Please put your energy into looking after yourself, tell someone close to you in rl if you can, you need someone to talk to. Please don't engage in conversation with your husband about this until you feel ready, I do wonder what his motives were for telling you after you have just lost your son. Please remember that you have nothing to feel ashamed of, the shame is all his. He is the one that cheated on his pregnant wife and (even worse in my mind) he chose to clear his conscience and spill his guts during what is probably the worst time in your life. What a despicable excuse for a man. Please put yourself first and deal with him and this situation when you feel stronger.

PerpanddickchewerVince · 17/10/2013 09:52

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. You're right to concentrate on him now, and your husband when you feel able.

I echo what SlightlyItchy said; if you would like to walk to us about your son we're all here to listen.

Thinking of you x

Unlikelyamazonian · 17/10/2013 09:53

Much love to you and your baby boy. I am so very sorry for your loss - you must be hurting badly.

Try for now, to concentrate on arrangements for the funeral; thinking about what you want to do about your husband's betrayal can come later.

Why on earth did he decide to tell you his dirty secret at such a devastating time? Utterly selfish - both the act and the revelation at that point. My heart goes out to you.

Can you get some help from your GP for now? Maybe some sleeping tablets to help you get rest and some anti-depressants to keep you on an even keel while you cope with your losses.

How is your husband behaving towards you right now? Is he remorseful and supporting you as much as he can? Presumably he is grieving for his son too. If so, he needs to seek comfort for himself, from elsewhere - not you.

Can you speak to your in-laws or your own parents? You need RL love and help. The shame is all his, not yours my love.

camaleon · 17/10/2013 10:03

Does your husband think that the unprotected sex may have brought some illness to you leading to the loss of your son?
I am terribly sorry you are going through this

Jan45 · 17/10/2013 10:04

So sorry for your loss, how devastating, I hope you have at least one person who can support you through the funeral.

As for your OH, don't even give it head space at the moment.

petitefemme · 17/10/2013 10:12

I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful baby.
I would like to say that I agree with Seth and you should share your thoughts and pain with a close and trusted friend. Keeping all this sorrow and suffering inside could only bring you into a deep depression. Please think of yourself and remember that we are here if you need.
If you can or you have done in the past try to do meditation. It will help you to break from all for a little bit.
If you want me to give you some advice on it please let me know.
Just one last thing: You have done nothing wrong so don't feel ashamed.

Vivacia · 17/10/2013 10:21

So very sorry to hear of your loss and pain. I have no words.

Please do confide in somebody and do let people know how they can support you (including us here if we can).

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