Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to tell someone.

105 replies

Drowninginsorrow · 17/10/2013 07:56

Less than 3 weeks ago my son was born sleeping prematurely. I went into labour prematurely and they couldn't stop it. He was perfect but just too tiny. I have to arrange his funeral which is next week.

Five days later my husband confesses to having unprotected sex with a prostitute at the beginning of September whilst on a trip abroad. I would never have suspected and his confession has been devasting. I thought we were so happy.

I don't know how I am still managing to exist. My head is completely messed up. Please don't all jump in with ltb - before I can deal with anything else I have to bury my son.

Haven't told anyone in rl about what he has done - I feel so ashamed. I just need to be able to tell someone somewhere how Im feeling.

OP posts:
DreamingofSummer · 17/10/2013 10:25

So sorry for your loss or your son. Deal with his funeral before anything else. Be kind to yourself

mistyshouse · 17/10/2013 10:30

oh op i am so sorry for your loss Flowers

and that you have found out something so awful about your dh

i have no idea what to say but this board is full of fantastic ladies who will do their best to help you so bumping for you x

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/10/2013 10:33

I am so very sorry about your son :( Flowers Do you want to tell us what you have called him?

As for your absolute twunt of an H - I'd pack him off to his mothers and tell him to stay out of my way until I was ready to deal with him. What the hell was he thinking telling you this 5 days after losing your son?? (Let alone doing it in the first place, but that was done iyswim - telling you then was a choice - utter utter bastard who I would have a contract out on!)

However, for now, just tell him to go away and leave you alone and do what you have to do to cope to get through one day at a time (one hour, one minute).

Big Hugs
xxx

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/10/2013 10:35

Oh - and I agree that you need to tell at least one good friend who can support you knowing the truth about your DH. Frankly I'd tell everyone and tell him to fuck off to & stay fucked off - but totally appreciate not everyone is the same.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 17/10/2013 10:38

I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine your pain Sad

I also cannot imagine why your husband would think of confessing what he did at such a time and I think you need to ba away from him for a while to soirt yourself out. I know he must be grieveing too but he will have to find his own support.

I hope you have lots of people to be with you and someone you can talk to about this. You need someone to support you through this.

Big hugs x

Lweji · 17/10/2013 10:44

I was thinking more of jumping in with a big hug. Sad

You don't have to do anything now.
Take time to heal your wounds, your baby and your husband.

Think about what feels right for you right now. Will you feel better with your husband around, or away from him?
It doesn't have to be final.

Take care.

oldwomaninashoe · 17/10/2013 11:40

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. Do look after yourself.
Leave dealing with his disgusting confession until you feel more able to cope. Do what feels right for you at the moment.
Get every little bit of RL support you can get for now.
I wish I could give you a big hug x

Original poster
Drowninginsorrow · 17/10/2013 12:23

On my lunch break at work. Everybody is amazed that Im back at work but I just don't want to be at home and craving some sort of normality. Don't think I'll ever feel normal again. I will post more details this evening when Im home.

Thanks to you all for your kindness and hugs x

OP posts:
cjel · 17/10/2013 12:31

drowning. Sorry that you lost your lovely boy, I was wondering too if the reason you have been told about this awful cheating was because he feels it may have been the cause of your babys death>

He's really not worth you thinking about at the moment.do the best for you son and you.

((((Hugs))))

Vivacia · 17/10/2013 12:38

I really understand your want to be at work. But don't worry if tomorrow you feel different. Take care of yourself.

PostBellumBugsy · 17/10/2013 12:38

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I hope that there is someone in your life who can give you hugs & tell you that you will come out the other side of all of this.

Don't think about your H's awful confession for now. Keep focussed on the funeral for your son and getting through that.

Take each day & each emotion as it comes. Give yourself time to grieve & mourn the loss of your son. Then when you are ready and not before that, you can pick up the gauntlet that your H threw down & decide what you want to do with it / him.

Keep posting on here. So much support when its needed.

JuliaScurr · 17/10/2013 12:41

you poor thing

Brew
MrTumblesKnickers · 17/10/2013 13:24

So very sorry, drowning. Flowers

KiplingBag · 17/10/2013 13:28

So sorry to read this Sad
xxxx

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 17/10/2013 13:33

So sorry for you.

I thought the same as cjel. Your DH must have linked his behaviour and the loss of your baby boy.

Would you think speaking to your GP to gain access to a counsellor for you would be a good idea? It is a lot to cope with. Can you spend some time with family / friends maybe?

Original poster
Drowninginsorrow · 17/10/2013 17:50

So much background I don't know where to begin as our situation is fairly unique and scared of outing myself in rl.

Hubby is not from UK, we returned to live in UK following my fathers death to care for my elderly and disabled mom. We live with my mom and my mom adores him and he her. He has always treated me like a princess and he was truly my best friend.

He had a trip home to visit his mom end of August beginning of sept. I didn't go as having had 3 early miscarriages didnt want to risk flying. The incident happened when he was staying overnight with a friend close to the airport before flying back. His friend arranged for 2 girls to come and entertain them.

The week he returned a friend of mine broke down and told me her husband had cheated on her. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have someone I could trust (ha f ing ha). Remember ranting to my husband about how disgusting the guy was to risk his wife's and babies life and risking infections. He had no idea or education about stds.

When I went into labour infection was one of the possible causes and I was put on 2 lots of IV antibiotics. He watched me labour and deliver his son all the time thinking it was his behaviour that had caused it.

When he confessed I went back into the maternity unit distressed as to whether this was the cause and he staff were fantastic. Swabs had been taken when I was first admitted and were negative for stds, and we have both had HIV and hep tests which have come back negative, although they will not be conclusive yet as HIV has a 3 month window period and hep c is 6 months.

Husband has confessed everything and has said and done everything he can to put things right. He has offered to leave and sign everything over to me if that's what I want. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and has done his best to reassure me that it was entirely his fault and there is no blame on my part. He only has me and my mom here for support, and he is grieving too.

I swing between wanting him to hold me and wanting to put as much distance between us as I can. To make matters worse having to pretend everything is ok in front of my lovely mom is making it even harder. I can't even scream and shout at him. That's probably why I have gone back to work so soon.

All I know is at the moment I feel like the floor has crumbled beneath me. I don't know about the future with him but just need to try and get through the next few weeks.

Can't believe just 3 weeks ago I was so so happy and now I feel like I will never smile again.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 17/10/2013 18:01

I'm so sorry OP. You must be in such pain at the moment. Tell your Mum if you feel like it, it doesn't mean you then have to leave him if that's what is holding you back. But keeping all this inside you, just after losing your precious baby sounds unbearable.

cjel · 17/10/2013 18:06

I know its not the same, but when I found out about OW I rented a house, but had to stay with H a few weeks until it was ready, We slept together and had a wonderful time,( he didn't want me to goConfused) He said why did I want this closeness if I was going? I knew that I wouldn't have him forever and found I got comfort from it so decided to use it while it was there.
I don't know if that makes any sense, but my advice would be to do what you want and if him holding you makes you feel better then do it. You will know when its not and can deal with that thenx

Original poster
Drowninginsorrow · 17/10/2013 18:06

We live in my moms house - if I tell her she will kick him out. And he literally has nowhere else in the UK to go. And at this moment Im not sure I want him to fly home. I at least want him at our sons funeral.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/10/2013 20:33

I can't think of a more devastating situation, OP. It's such a terrible time for you. I don't think I could bear to be in the same room as my husband if he'd done that. I couldn't bear to have people be kind to him. Of course he's suffering because he's lost his son, but he has given you a massive body blow at a time when you have just lost your son. That's unforgivable.

Is your mum strong? Could she cope with being told? I would hate you to tell her and for her to become ill with shock.

If she is strong, would one of your friends have him to stay there for a few weeks? I know it's a lot to ask, but you're asking them to help you, not him.

Take care of yourself.

batterylow · 17/10/2013 20:45

I am really sorry to hear about your son, how devastating.

I just wanted to say that having recently experienced my husband confessing unprotected sex with a colleague ,I completely relate to the wanting to be comforted by him (for the trauma of the infidelity let alone the grief which he is obviously part of, I am so sorry you are going through both) I think this is natural and I personally didn't want my dh out of my sight when he initially told me.I felt differently after a while but it's a case of taking things day by day and doing what helps at the time I think.

Telling one friend was enormously helpful for me but I understand why you haven't wanted to tell people for now.

CoffeeTea103 · 17/10/2013 20:50

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Sad

FastLoris · 17/10/2013 20:57

My first thought, as so often with these things, was sheer astonishment at how anybody could be so stupid as to have UNPROTECTED sex with a prostitute, particularly when they have a partner to think about. I mean there is immorality, and then there is sheer boneheaded stupidity. What kind of non-functioning brain do you need to have, to have not learned from any information available over the last few decades about the risks of HIV and other STDs?

But then I take it from your last post that this is connected with his upbringing in another country - presumably a highly sheltered, maybe religious one? I still find it hard to work out how anyone could live in the UK and watch the news and talk to people and not know such things, but I suppose it's possible.

Sorry to read of your terrible loss. Obviously there are no quick or easy answers, or even easy questions.

I hope time brings you a little peace.

SalmonellaDeGhoul · 17/10/2013 20:58

You poor, poor love. I lost my daughter to SIDS two years ago and the shock and grief are more than anyone should ever have to bear, without the added burden of your H's behaviour.
The one thing I would say is that you don't have to do anything at all for the moment. Getting up in the morning is hard enough. Deal with one thing at a time and let your Mum look after you.

ImperialBlether · 17/10/2013 23:17

Thanks to all of you who've suffered losses and bastard husbands.

Swipe left for the next trending thread