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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to tell someone.

105 replies

Drowninginsorrow · 17/10/2013 07:56

Less than 3 weeks ago my son was born sleeping prematurely. I went into labour prematurely and they couldn't stop it. He was perfect but just too tiny. I have to arrange his funeral which is next week.

Five days later my husband confesses to having unprotected sex with a prostitute at the beginning of September whilst on a trip abroad. I would never have suspected and his confession has been devasting. I thought we were so happy.

I don't know how I am still managing to exist. My head is completely messed up. Please don't all jump in with ltb - before I can deal with anything else I have to bury my son.

Haven't told anyone in rl about what he has done - I feel so ashamed. I just need to be able to tell someone somewhere how Im feeling.

OP posts:
HogFucker · 26/10/2013 21:40

OP this is one of the saddest posts I have read on here. Thinking of you.

AdmiralData · 26/10/2013 23:52

Not sure what difference it makes but I am so very sorry for your loss OP, You do need to lay your baby to rest before you consider your next steps. I think you will remain in the thoughts and prayers of many on this thread x

Original poster
Drowninginsorrow · 27/10/2013 15:30

Thank you all for you kind words.

Today has been the first day that I have felt angry and I voiced it to him loud and clear (well as loud and clear as I could without disturbing my mom and worrying her) as well. He said and did all the right things - saying he deserves it and how he wishes he could go back in time and undo the damage he has caused.

I wasn't angry for long but it has made wonder whether this is the calm before the storm. Is it just now that it is really hitting me? I know it's stupid but I just want to wake up and things be the way they were before. My reality is they never will be and I now need to find a way forward through this mess that is my life.

I so want to hold my baby in my arms (not that another baby could ever replace the son I've lost) just to get rid of the empty feeling inside. At almost 37 I feel time is running out -especially if I was to divorce and have to start over. Why is life so unbearably cruel?

OP posts:
cjel · 27/10/2013 16:05

You are running ahead of yourself again. You don't have to consider divorcing and starting again today.

Feeling anger is a good sign my lovely but it doesn't mean the floodgates areopening - it just means you were angry then.

You can't make it all go away but you can work through all the confusion with the help of a counsellor.

Now it is time to be gentle on yourself and go with the flow of the changing feelings you are having, you don't have to make final decisions yet , ((((Hugs)))))

Shellywelly1973 · 27/10/2013 17:54

Oh op, im so desperately sorry for all you have & are going through.

A few years ago something happened in my life that literally drove me to suicide. I couldn't see anyway forward.

A very wise lady told me to stop trying to move on. Stop trying to make sense of my situation-just to live in the 'now'. It was hard to do at first but it kept me going when I couldn't make sense of my situation or how things would ever get better.

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself...

Vivacia · 27/10/2013 18:04

Thankfully not literally Shelly.

OP I second the advice to seek counselling and to not worry about what your angry outburst might mean other than you were expressing anger right then.

HogFucker · 27/10/2013 22:30

Still thinking of you Drowning - though can't add anything useful I'm afraid.

DressingGown · 27/10/2013 23:05

I am so so sorry Drowning. Please take good care of yourself. No advice to add, but thinking of you. x

ChippingInNeedsANYFUCKER · 28/10/2013 01:14

Drowning :(

You are having to cope with so much right now - it's so unfair.

Please don't stay with your DH because you feel you owe it to your Mom or because you feel 'too old' to start again with someone new. You aren't.

No matter what his upbringing or education on std/sti's he knew how wrong that was. He has broken your trust and tbh in the vast majority of relationships that cannot be mended or got past.

But right now - just deal with the days hour by hour, but don't let time sweep it under the rug
x

KeatsiePie · 28/10/2013 02:45

"I second the advice to seek counselling and to not worry about what your angry outburst might mean other than you were expressing anger right then." I third this. This is a horrible time for you. I hope counselling will help a little bit, I know it can't repair anything but the space to talk and be supported could help you keep going. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Original poster
Drowninginsorrow · 30/10/2013 09:29

The appointment for the post mortem has arrived and it falls in the 1st week of his new job in which he is on probation period for 12 weeks. Have told him that it is best he doesn't take time off to come. His response was thank god. I just looked at him as if to say what the f**k!! He said that came out wrong - it's just he is dreading facing the medical team as they know what he did and he feels so ashamed.

Not sure how I feel about his response. I really do know he is ashamed and embarrassed by his actions but ffs man up and face it. I have no choice but to have to deal with it. I know I told him not to come (not only because of he time off work but also because of having to re explain everything to him during the appointment due to language - he does speak good English but some of the medical terminology would have to be explained) but now feel like making him come just to make him face the shit he created.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsANYFUCKER · 30/10/2013 11:38

Oh my love - life is so, so bloody unfair at times. It's not on for you having to deal with all he has done and how lacking he is when you have just lost your baby boy, it really isn't.

His reaction to not being able to be at his son's post mortem really just shows how self absorbed and thoughtless he is - his first concern should have been for you, wanting to be there to support you, not relief at not having to face the medical team. He is a self absorbed idiot.

If I were you, and I know I'm not, I wouldn't want to be with him. I would tell my Mum everything and kick him out together. There is never going to be a 'good time' to tell him to leave and the way I'd look at it is that I might as well be coping with the grief of losing my baby and grieving for the loss of the relationship at the same time. The grief over losing your baby isn't going to go away, so there isn't any point in waiting for that to tell him to leave. He is just continually letting you down and showing you what a selfish bastard he is.

But you have to do what is right for you and we will be here no matter what you choose to do.

Lots of love & strength
x

Vivacia · 30/10/2013 13:29

I'd be tempted to tell him he has to go, you can't face it, and let him live with that for 24 hours.

Sorry, not very helpful and just angry on your behalf.

I wonder if your anger is building up now?

HissyFucker · 30/10/2013 14:42

Thank god? Jesus christ where on this earth do they make 'men' so spectacularly awful as he is, so we know where to avoid like the plague!

No employer would ever dare suggest that a new employee NOT attend his son's post mortem, so regardless of probation, i'd have expected him to ask his employer without even discussing it with you, and then asking you if you wanted/needed him to be there.

This'd be the end of him as far as i'd be concerned, but i'm not you, and i'm not carrying this awful burden of grief/hurt.

He really isn't a decent human being. You'd be better of binning him and getting a pet. They're more loyal and are there for you unquestioningly. Well cats less so...

I wish there was something I could say/do to stop the hurting for you love, I really do.

I'm so so sorry. :(

struggling100 · 30/10/2013 14:57

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this, and to wish you strength and resilience as you deal with it.

I completely understand that you feel unable to talk to friends about this - though I don't think it would be a bad idea to do so if this changes. Perhaps a kind, helpful counsellor might be a better place to start? You need some help and support and a safe place where you can cry and think.

cjel · 30/10/2013 15:13

I am so sad that he said that, I would be tempted to tell him you have changed your mind and need him with you. See what his reaction is to that. I can't believe that any employer would object to that.

Original poster
Drowninginsorrow · 31/10/2013 08:49

Have thought about the situation and if Im honest I don't want him there. Want to focus and concentrate on getting he answers and understanding I need regarding my son without the distraction of having him there and having to explain stuff to him (I have some medical background although not in this area so will not be wanting it broken down into laymens term but want it in detail).

His attitude has certainly started to stir my thinking and anger and resentment is starting to build. At the moment though it is all internalised but now think this is truly the calm before the storm. Just wondering when the storm will hit.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 31/10/2013 09:00

Oh drowning... Have you told anyone in real life?

ElsieMc · 31/10/2013 09:08

I do not post in relationships often. Your kind and gentle nature means that you are not receiving the support you deserve. You are protecting your husband and your mum. You say your mum is old, but I am sure keeping this from her would add to her distress as she will want to support you. Stop putting everyone else before yourself, please.

I am not criticising you in any way as I also avoid unpalatable truths as a way of coping on a day to day basis so I do understand.

You are putting further pressure and stress upon yourself by maintaining a charade and you need to grieve openly for your son.

cjel · 31/10/2013 09:23

I think it may be time to have an honest chat with your mumx

Original poster
Drowninginsorrow · 31/10/2013 10:59

Will never disclose this to my mom. She is old and has a serious heart condition and the stress would not be good for her. It will only make my situation worse as it could exacerbate her condition as I am her main carer and could do without anything else at the moment.

I will go and see a friend next week and tell her and Im sure she will come with me if I ask her. This will not be easy for me - Im the one who is always helping and caring for others.

Elsie You've hit the nail on the head - I am ignoring the reality of my situation as a way of coping but this denial is my sanctuary at the moment. I really just can't deal with the reality of it at all at the moment. Not sure if I'll ever be ready but on a day to day level I'm coping at the moment, apart from the odd wobble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drowninginsorrow · 12/11/2013 18:58

Today I went and got the post mortem results. A severe infection caused the premature labour that killed my perfect little boy. They haven't identified the infection but all my swabs came back clear (and so did his).

This doesn't explain the 3 earlier miscarriages though.

The consultant was lovely and as far as she was concerned I can try again as soon as I like - her only concern was whether I would be trying with the right man.

OP posts:
oscar126 · 12/11/2013 19:22

So sorry. Don't know what else to say.

Vivacia · 12/11/2013 20:24

As Oscar says, there are no words. Did anyone go with you Drowning? How are you?

muddylettuce · 12/11/2013 22:07

So so sorry for your loss. The rest can wait. X