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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting to this?

53 replies

SingSoftKittyToMe · 17/10/2013 06:40

Husband went away with work on a p*ss up work trip. I was looking through Facebook amd saw a photo of him dancing with a young, attractive woman. It looked like she was touching his leg and they were dancing closely. It also looked like they were dancing. In a circle of people around them.confronted husband who said he danced with "many women" at the conference but nothing happened, although he was very defensive.

I said it was disrespectful to me for him to dance esp like that with another woman that wasn't a friend. Huge row hat night.

Am I overreacting?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 07:09

Is your husband disrespectful towards you normally? Have there been other occasions where he's been defensive or do you other reasons to suspect he's not telling you the truth? Is your self-confidence and self-esteem at a low ebb? Were you uncomfortable with him being on a work piss up in the first place? Dancing being what it is... two people in close proximity... it would be very easy to have a photograph taken that made it look more intimate than it actually was.

If this is a pattern of behaviour and he's generally untrustworthy then you may not be overreacting. If it's just one photo of one dance and your DH is generally honest, you probably are.

Original poster
SingSoftKittyToMe · 17/10/2013 07:20

Yes I was uncomfortable with him going in the first place as its notoriously known as a work trip where people hook up (work in same industry). He says nothing happened but he also tried the hide the photo from me.
Yes my self esteem is very low not helped by husband saying he wouldn't ever cheat on me because I'm the only person who fancies him.

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Original poster
SingSoftKittyToMe · 17/10/2013 07:21

Have a toddler and newborn so self esteem about appearance is at an all time low. Not helped woth him always out drinking with lots of women from wprk.

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Original poster
SingSoftKittyToMe · 17/10/2013 07:21

Have a toddler and newborn so self esteem about appearance is at an all time low. Not helped woth him always out drinking with lots of women from wprk.

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anon2013 · 17/10/2013 07:23

I'd have been upset and shouted at him too but if he's normally a loving DH and can see why you're upset I'd get over it. I might be less willing for him to do the next one though...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 07:32

Then you need to talk to him honestly about your fears more generally. Take some time this weekend to chat about your insecurities, your discomfort with the work trips and come up with some strategies between you that will increase trust and boost confidence. If saying 'no-one else would fancy me' doesn't help, tell him. If he's a decent man I suspect he was hiding the photo precisely because he knew it would upset you. If he's an untrustworthy man he'd be hiding it for more malicious reasons. Talk.. talk.. talk... reconnect as a couple and try to improve the security of the relationship.

Original poster
SingSoftKittyToMe · 17/10/2013 07:51

He knows exactly how I'm feeling and how I'm going through what appears to be pnd with anxiety and panic attacks alone. He thinks I should deal woth the fact he will dance with women and confide in a few of them at work. This hurts me and I feel betrayed.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 07:54

Then he isn't a decent man. Sorry.

Boosterseattheballcleaner · 17/10/2013 08:04

He thinks I should deal with the fact he will dance with women and confide in a few of them at work.

No, not on.

FWIW, i don't think it sounds as if he has cheated on you, more like he enjoys an ego stroke.

But where does it stop? A slow dance? A cheeky text message? An off the cuff remark along the lines of "if i was single" How far would he go?

Id bet my morning brew on the fact he plays the "woe is me" card with the "girls" at work. I've seen it too many times.

If you think you are suffering from PND please see your GP, and i would mention your H not being particularly supportive. I would imagine the anxiety has a little something to do with his twuntish behavior.

anon2013 · 17/10/2013 08:20

Agree 100% with Booster there. Tell him you are going to go out at the weekend with some girlfriends and dance with some men and confide in them too over some wine. See how he "deals" with that.

Original poster
SingSoftKittyToMe · 17/10/2013 08:29

booster that's exactly my fears too - where does it end. anon he says he's not jealous if another man were to hit on me or if I were to dance with another bloke. He knows I would never do this but has never been jealous of me in the past. He says we should be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex - friends of course but these women aren't friends.

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Boosterseattheballcleaner · 17/10/2013 08:43

Its the "put up and shut up" attitude which would infuriate me.

He needs to start respecting you,some men really enjoy keeping women low, helps them exercise control and ensure you don't go galloping off into the distance with someone who treats you right, the trap is designed to make you feel like you couldn't do any better.

I'm certainly not suggesting LTB over a Facebook photo, but I would expect him to recognise this behaviour has hurt you and is exacerbating your anxiety issues and adjust his appalling attitude sharpish.

Do you get any time away from home? A toddler and a newborn are bloody hard work. If you aren't getting any "me" time, i think now is the time to start.

anon2013 · 17/10/2013 08:49

Him not acknowledging there's a problem with this is what gets me Angry . He can have as many female friends as he wants as he loves and respects you

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/10/2013 08:52

Exactly. It's not that he goes dancing at work dos or has female friends that is the problem, it's the insensitivity being displayed given that he knows you're struggling.

bobbywash · 17/10/2013 08:59

It appears insensative at the oleast. The question for me is have you really told him how you feel, rather than hint at it.

Perception is entirely different between the sexes of what has and hasn't been said, his reaction may be "I didn't understand that you felt so strongly, why didn't you tell me?" I think printing out your posts and showing them to him will help, especially given your self esteem issues, which post baby men do not understand.

Boosterseattheballcleaner · 17/10/2013 10:49

post baby men do not understand. I know plenty of men with more emotional maturity than a damp towel and are perfectly capable to understanding their partner may be feeling anxious/insecure etc.

Its called empathy.

Jan45 · 17/10/2013 10:58

At first I was going to say yes, you are definitely over-reacting but his reaction to you is worse than the dance imo; is he trying to make you feel even worse???

Sorry but I wouldn't accept my partner saying I have to be happy about him dancing with other women and confiding in them - strange thing to say no? How many fricken dances does he go to and confide in them about what?

Original poster
SingSoftKittyToMe · 17/10/2013 12:28

He knot full well how I feel I've made it very clear how mu self esteem is rock bottom. He refused to apologise for the photo and for dancing so closely to a number of women. One woman texted him I looked through his phone and she laugjed at me being heavily pregnant (couple months ago). He deems this woman his best female friend. I feel so low and cry everyday amd this photo tipped me over the edge. I feel fat ugly old and worthless and he's flirting with attractive women to get his kicks.

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Jan45 · 17/10/2013 12:32

You've got a baby and a toddler and he's saying stuff like this to you, I'm actually shocked he can be so cruel.

You might be a bit overweight, understandable if you have just had a baby, but you aint worthless or ugly, he is by the sounds of it, what a horrible man. Have you got friends in RL you can lean on now for some support?

Choos123 · 17/10/2013 12:37

I saw your post on Sunday, I think you should get counselling, both with him and alone - if he doesn't help you better he is not a good guy. Why was he even there after the time you are having? Don't let the pnd get worse by not getting the support you need...

Mapleissweet · 17/10/2013 12:55

Men find it very difficult to understand how having your children and being at home can really knock your confidence. The dats are spent enjoying the children but at times it is pure drudgery, they come in from work and you are stressed and looking knackered as you've had no break.
It is cruel and insensitive to behave like that away from home with other women. Yes relax and enjoy others company, but flirting and acting like a single man is hurtful to you.
You are amazing. Your dh needs to remember that. He says that it wouldn't bother him if you danced closely with other men. I can guarantee he would!
Would he dance do closely and touch other women if you were there. Probably not? Well what's the difference if you're not there?
Really focus on yourself. Prioritise time for you. Make it happen as nobody else will. I used to have a lady come in once a week for 5-6 hours to have the children. I would go to the gym, coffee and a magazine, appointments and mooch around town. I can't describe how much that time helped me. Any family close by? Swapping time out with other moms?
Us moms need to stick together. I get how hard it is for you.

PeppermintPasty · 17/10/2013 12:57

He is in the wrong, remember that. He is being unkind to say the least and showing disrespect to you and for your feelings.

You are not overreacting at all. Have you got some RL support. In a similar situation many years ago my friends were invaluable and lifted me up, as well as constantly reassuring me that there certainly wasn't anything wrong with me.

So sorry you are going through this.

Mapleissweet · 17/10/2013 12:57

I don't know any mom whose confidence and insecurity didn't take a knock after children. It should be the one time in your life that dh really cherish and support their dw.

Leavenheath · 17/10/2013 13:43

Right, so the only reason he's faithful is because no-one else fancies him?

He sanctioned his best female friend laughing at your pregnant appearance?

He tries to hide photos of him dancing with women and then belittles your upset when you find them?

No, you're not over-reacting. If anything you're under reacting because what you've described has clearly been building up for a long time and you're still there putting up with it.

I'm not going to counter diagnose your PND, but this sounds like PRD to me instead of or as well as the PND. That's Partner Related Depression. It often magically lifts on disposal of said partner.

Original poster
SingSoftKittyToMe · 17/10/2013 13:58

Thank you everyone...what would you suggest I do to make things better? I'm going to start going to the gym again to try and improve my appearance so I don't look so disgusting, and have looked into marriage counselling but it's so expensive.

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