Am I overreacting to this?

[SingSoftKittyToMe]

Husband went away with work on a p*ss up work trip. I was looking through Facebook amd saw a photo of him dancing with a young, attractive woman. It looked like she was touching his leg and they were dancing closely. It also looked like they were dancing. In a circle of people around them.confronted husband who said he danced with "many women" at the conference but nothing happened, although he was very defensive.

I said it was disrespectful to me for him to dance esp like that with another woman that wasn't a friend. Huge row hat night.

Am I overreacting?

I'm going to start going to the gym again to try and improve my appearance so I don't look so disgusting, and have looked into marriage counselling but it's so expensive.

Oi Mrs! You are not disgusting your body has done something amazing! You should check out the Feminism/Womens rights thread - there is an excellent thread there about loving your body for what it is a whole not a collection of body parts you aren't happy with.

I am certainly all for you improving your self confidence but why are you doing all the work love? Your husband is just as responsible for your marriage as you are, is he making any changes?

I'm a gym bunny but i go because I want to be strong - physically and mentally. Being strong in my mind is much,much more important than looking good for a partner.

I suggest you start at the Docs and go from there.

And keep posting. x

Exercise (even just walks etc). Try to treat yourself to a few things. Christmas is coming up, write a list of some things you would like. Allocate some time each week to a few beauty things you can do yourself in the evening. Nails, body exfoliation, face mask etc. the s&b page on here is great for tips.
Swap favours with other moms, babysitting etc. focus on project you. This is for you but dh. Start or join a book club/wine club/pudding club. Can your dh look after the children in eve sometimes? Organise friends nights out.
How old are your dc?
Honestly just wearing nice clothes and makeup and then going to a nice coffee place for lunch/coffee whilst reading a book/magazine helped lift my spirits without having the children.
You have to make this happen though. Your dh has time out from family life with work events. He has to accept you need them too.
The more you work on yourself, the better and more Confident you will feel.

sorry to go against the tide, but I can see this from two different angles. Also I'm keeping in mind that no offence, but on Mumsnet we do only hear one side of a story mostly.

The first is that he's being thoughtless and insensitive, as most posters think.

The second is that its easy to be insecure, specially if your husband goes away on piss up trips where people do hook up. Very insecure. But insecurity plus low self esteem plus two very young children can lead to oversuspicion, overreacting at times and being on a short fuse. Which can lead to the other half tending to keep quiet, and if they feel they'll be criticised for dancing with someone of the other gender or chatting to them or being good friends with them, yeah, after a certain amount of time in the end they'll put their foot down and say "you're not going to stop me being friends with someone of the other gender". Or at least you'd hope they put their foot down.

Having said that, it depends on what is meant exactly by "confiding" and if they were really dancing intimately or if it was camera angle, normal for that group, or whatever that made it look worse than it is. It also depends what you mean by "these women aren't friends", that bit has me puzzled. Random strangers? work colleagues?

Has he tried to reassure you before now?

The comment about "wont ever cheat on you because you're the only person who fancies him" is really odd and a bit of a red flag. However from what you've written, OP, tbh I could see it being either angle. Which exactly it is, only someone much closer to the situation could tell. I think its not just case of him being an insensitive sod at best; independently of that you need to look at your own insecurity quite hard and then at how he behaves the rest of the time, like Cogito said. Then reassess.

Either way I think maybe you need to tackle the low self-esteem if you can. Everythign seems worse when you feel insecure and useless. (and in some cases a partner can cause and amplify those feelings; in others, the insecurity leads the other half to become almsot paranoid and unreasonable).

I think I would say build up your life first. Don't worry about going to the gym. Go and organise fun things for you with girlfriends/other mums, Take control of your life until you like yourself thats the most important thing. Learn to love and appreciate yourself and then what he thinks won't be so damaging to youx

Leavenheath, great advice and lol at PRD.

I agree with cjel, gym is fine if mentally it has a pay off for you and isn't some sort of punishment but you need to have a life you want to live and good support most importantly.

It depends on why you want to try to improve your appearance. If it's for you, that's harmless (if not a real resolution) but if this is a measure you're taking to compete with his female colleagues and friends for his attention, it's destructive. Women shouldn't compete with eachother like this. That behaviour allows unscrupulous men to play us off against eachother.

I don't think this is about your insecurity one iota. I think even the most secure, high-esteemed woman in the world would have trouble on her hands if she was in a relationship with a bloke who belittled her feelings, told her that other women controlled his fidelity to her, allowed his female friends to take the piss out of her and who hid things.

I'd start by telling him how unhappy you are and insist that he validates your feelings. They are yours and cannot be argued with. Secrecy about friendships and activities erodes trust and intimacy and allowing a friend to take the piss out of your wife is a very slippery slope. I realy do think you need to thrash out the whle issue about fidelity in your relationship too. Someone will fancy him one day; you did after all. What then?

but if this is a measure you're taking to compete with his female colleagues and friends for his attention, it's destructive. Women shouldn't compete with eachother like this. That behaviour allows unscrupulous men to play us off against eachother.

Said perfectly.

meerka thank you. What I mean by these women aren't his friends is that he has never mentioned before. He has mentioned other women who he works with before and I am aware he's friends with the and socialises with them after work drinking. I know of the and he hasn't kept them a secret.

These other women who he was dancing with I've never heard of before and I feel uneasy and yes, very jealous about my husband dancing with women who a) I've never heard of before and b) he's not friends with. I would have no problem with him dancing with friends - make or female.

Having said that I am sure my very low self esteem is the main problem here end as I suspected have over reacted. Just felt very upset and low especially with all the problems I've had recently, and to him him dancing with a very attractive, young woman especially when they looked physically close and intimate hit my self esteem even more.

When I came across the photo, he snapped and started essentially hurling abuse at me (no one fancies me apart from you etc) and started doing lewd gestures as well - mocking my insecurities about them dancing and basically taking the p*ss.

I know I look very different to the person I used to. I'm not old -30 but have let myself go and have gained weight, roots are hideous, scruffy clothes etc and I imagine if I look disgusting to myself how can I expect my husband to still find me attractive.

One part of me feels as if he was out of order, esp hidingt he photo frame and his reaction. And another feels that it's to be expected that he would flirt with other woman given what I've become and how badly I've let myself to.

Another thing that upset me uses was that he knew what I was going through over the weekend and don't call me once - I got two texts and that's it. Yet I sent him many (unopened) emails and called him once a day. I don't think a phone call once a day is excessive esp when he has two small children and it was a p*ss up work thing not a business trip if you see what I mean.

I'm rambling now.

I want to kick him in the cock

Sorry not helpful at all, he sounds like he's neglecting you and your children to live the single life. Two texts over the weekend? unbelievable. Does he give you any time without the children to go get your hair done, shopping or even rest?. Sorry to sound cross OP.

No you haven't over-reacted.

A combination of this wretched man and your own very low self-esteem have really done a number on your thought processes and rationalisations though.

It's so sad to see it in print. I wish you could see this more rationally and objectively.

I think the reason for your low self esteem is him my love.

And I'm sorry to say this, but his angry reaction might be guilt.

And another feels that it's to be expected that he would flirt with other woman given what I've become and how badly I've let myself to

No, no and NO! That isn't how respectful relationships work, would you start flirting with men because your DH was balding or greying? No, that would be ridiculous.

Please stop looking for reasons why he treats you the way he does, trust me is isn't you its him

His female friend mocked you and now he's doing it too?

You do realise that this isn't normal or acceptable behaviour in a loving partnership? Everyone has the odd row, or some good-natured joshing but honestly when it's come to the mocking stage and he's letting his friends do the same, something is seriously amiss.

This is not how a good dh treats his wife. Who does he think he is.
You are a mother if his dc and deserve respect and love. He is giving you neither. I am angry for you.
No wonder you feel crap. But you are most definitely not.

Your husband is horrible

I agree with leavenheath here, every last word

As per usual on these threads, this if not just about a pic on FB

Its always the tip of the iceberg

Oh god. I was quite restrained before, but I'm afraid I think he is an arsehole.

Please keep talking on here.

Oh my lovely, A decent H would cherish you for who you are for the lovely person you are and for giving him his dcs.
Your H isn't decent and isn't treating you well, Do everything you can to build your self esteem, go and see a counsellor and insist that you get time to rediscover who you are. YOu are not a fat ugly blob of horror, you are a wonderful wife and mother who has just lost her way a bitx

What a vile creature. How dare he.

You are not rambling. You are processing information.

You have a a nb and a toddler and he is whooping it up at a works weekend? How lovely for him to have a break.

Have you any close friends you can talk to? There is nothing wrong with you. I went from a 8 size to being unable to squeeze into mothercare size 20 jeans when I was pregnant. Sodding hysterically in their changing rooms and everything! Its not you, its him.

I can't believe he mocked you at what he knew what was your weakest point and said those cruel things! That is just nasty vicious bullying. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sorry but I think you need to start to find people and things in life other than your husband which you enjoy and which give you a sense of purpose and achievement.

We spoke indepth about this last night. He finally apologised and said he wouldn't dance with any women in his office anymore. That wasn't what I was upset about. Obviously its okay to dance with someone you have a 100% purely platonic friendship with, but what I find disrespectful is dancing with a random woman whom he finds attractive. It feels like betrayal to me, then lie about it and then say things like he wouldn't cheat on me because no one else finds him attractive.

Do you think its an ego thing?

He assured me that this woman who mocked me us just a friend and I misunderstood her text mocking me. He stands firm that she's a close friend of his and will continue to see her socially. I nwver had an issue with this before but now shws taken the piss out of me I feel uneasy about it.

My gut is telling me she likes the attention he gives her and potentially gives her a bit of a power thing, esp knowing that I'm a mum of two small children and unattractive, overweight etc so husband doesn't find me attractive anymore.

Never mind these other women that "tell your gut something"

You are ignoring the massive elephant in the room

Your "gut" appears to be rather selective in what it tells you