Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

itwillgetbetter, backpacking around Europe? Wow. Just WOW!

Hope you are getting through today whatnext. Just getting through, at this early stage, is a triumph in itself.

Now read the whole thread. Whatnext really understand what you're going through 6 weeks post bombshell.

Things that have helped me:

1. Working. My boss and co worker knew and were really good. Some days I was neither use nor ornament but it gave me structure, something else to think about and also it gave me a sense of normality. I have spent so much time at work putting on a front and being 'happy' that some of it has actually seeped into my reality.

1. Remembering that it's not about you at all. The issues my ex had with me were so mundane and banal that he was obviously scrabbling for reasons as to why he walked. Obviously ignoring the true reason: wanting some excitement and someone else to shag. that simple really.

3.As much as possible cutting out of my life completely. We have kids so not entirely possible. He looks after the kids on the days I work late at my house but otherwise I just pretend he doesn't exist. No texts, e-mails phone calls nothing. I think he finds that more unnerving that me maintaining contact as I did before (usually things about the kids, test results, funny incidents etc etc).

1. Finally the biggest revenge is to show him that you are getting on with your life. Everyone I know knows my situation and that if there is any social function if they could include me. My diary is filling up. I may not necessarily want to go but I need to get out of the house and not brood. Tomorrow I'm going shopping for a really nice going out outfit espeacially as I have lost 1 and a half stone since all this happened.

Take care and remember one day at a time. xx

I just want to say I am in awe reading this thread. You are all amazing strong people and your children are lucky to have you as mothers.

I am truly humbled reading your experiences and your support for me.

Today was another bad day sadly and I feel dreadful. I'm not busy at work which gives me more time to think.

I have almost done another day, another day that I didn't think I would see. A friend, who knows my situation, said to me that I look much better and I must have had a great weekend. I just wanted to curl up into my ball and tell her exactly what my weekend was like. I can't tell anyone in RL how I'm feeling when I get like I did at the weekend, I am so ashamed but in those moments, it feels rational. It is scary.

I am trying to hold onto all your advice. Somebody up thread said they felt the same but now realise that they didn't want to not be here anymore, they just wanted the pain to stop - I do too. Those of you who have been there sound so strong and I envy you, I want to be strong but my H is right, it's just one thing after another that happens where I'm concerned, even though these terrible things are out of my control. I'm so tired of it all, I'm not surprised he left me sometimes, I would too if I could. He's going to have a great life, mine is going backwards.

I'm so sorry to be so negative when some of you have been through such terrible things and have survived. I feel ashamed with self pity, especially when you have all been so kind.

Oh whatnext....so sorry you've had a down day :(

What are you doing this evening?? Are you tired? Could you go and try to relax in the bath and try an early night.

Ok, it was a bad day....but you got through it...one day closer to feeling ok.

Please re-read the post up thread about holding on to that little chink if light. Cling on to that chunk of light.....your dc is your little ray if sunshine....stay focused for him.

Don't dwell on what rubbish your h thought about you. Utter shit. You are great, I bet you're a great mother, a good friend and you seem intelligent, kind and thoughtful. Fuck what he thinks. You mustn't envy the strength of us posters...you need to dig deep and find you're own. Correction, find more of your own because you are strong. You have made it through another difficult day and are posting here. That means you're strong enough to reach out for help...and we are here my lovely. We are all here for you
Xx

Agree, hold onto the light, the knowledge that one day it will be different, it will be better. I wanted to just get into bed and never get out when XH left me and I didn't come to MN for help until he had gone, come back and gone again.

He destroyed me, my life and my DD's life, by walking out with no warning, by texting OW, by announcing he no longer loved me.

But I had to carry on for DD's sake. I had no choice. And slowly, little by little, it gets better, the pain fades, the good days happen more often. I still have bad days but not as many. I have been honest with my friends and they have all been very supportive and kind. My counsellor is making me see that he wasnt the man I thought he was. I can't let him drag me down and destroy me.

It is literally one day at a time, until you feel stronger, better, happier..... Until you realise that you don't think or feel that way any more.

Exactly Skye....we have no choice but to cling to that light for our dc. Whatnext, when I was at my lowest my mum advised me not to let a day go past where I wasted time with my beautiful dd's. she was right, they're only little once and I didn't want to waste a year, maybe 2 focussing on him and missing out on them. Of course you have to grieve but in your lowest moments cling to the light that is your dc. When you said your life is going backwards....no it isn't, you have your dc. They are your future. X

Thank you both xx

what, sorry but your friend sounds incredibly insensitive.

Can you tell us what you have done this evening? What have you had for tea and where is your son?

Do you drink wine? I will do a virtual clink of glasses with you if you do. [makes loudy slurpy noises on wine]

My son is with my parents as he works with my Dad during the week. He is fed up of them constantly talking about me and how I need to snap out of it. He text me and said he has told them he doesn't want to discuss me as it got him down so much last week with them saying I was killing myself with the way I am. Tonight my Mum hasn't stopped on at him and has called me a stupid woman to my son and why don't I just pull myself together.

I have had a glass of wine, I did a microwave dinner but can't face it, I ate a bowl of cereal. I don't even feel hungry anymore but know I need to put weight on.

I've just been on the internet tonight, am so worried when my H cuts it off. I know I need to pay for it but can't even go a night without it at the moment. I've been looking at the links MN posters have sent through.

I am a mess, I know I'm hurting myself and need to get a grip but I have lost all sense of normality.

I just desperately want my H to hold me and tell me he's sorry and that we'll be okay - that will never happen again, I know but we were so close and this is so sudden. I felt safe for the first time in my life.

I think your H is NOT right - from what I've heard about him so far he has the empathy and intuition of a hippo so I would pay no attention to his views. YOU are right, the terrible things have been completely beyond your control. And they have been terrible, and you are suffering much grief and you need to care for yourself as much as you can during this time. You are precious and YOU have much empathy and intuition to share with the world. Take it one day, one night, one hour at a time. But please PLEASE ask for help if it all gets darker - the crisis team mentioned in this thread, GP, your brother, your son, reach out to someone.

Your son sounds fabulous. I am a little in love with him!

It's totally normal to still feel pain and shell shock. Your husband is a shit of the first order. I am still reeling from him being cross that you woke him up! Words fail me!

i expect that was bollocks actually - he will have had to say that in front of OW if she was there.

Have you looked up your local mumsnet yet? You could do with some soldiers from the MN-Tough-As-Nuts-Take-No-Shit-Offer-Comfort-And-Hugs-Support-Army to chat and wail to.

Your parents aren't helping are they!? Your poor son.

So what is happening with the internet? You are completely right, you cannot let yourself be isolated from the support and connection available on the internet. Can it not be transferred to your name or something? Can you afford to pay for the phone and internet? (If its an expensive package perhaps you could put it in your name and ask for a more budget option that suits your use?)

Your parents comments really aren't helpful- annoying. Your friends comments didn't seem totally helpful today wither. Who do ou have in real life that could turn out to be a bit of rock for you?? Please lean on people...it's what they're there for (if they've got helpful things to say!!).

Do u have an I pad or tablet?? You can get SIM cards for Internet use which is quite cheap, or a pay as you go dongle for a lap top??

Well done for eating, even if its only cereal. Stay posting if you need to chat.

Which links have you looked at? Hope done are useful to you.
X

Re sky package can you cancel the tv package and just have phone and Internet. Or just cancel the lot and tell H to sod off and ring BT who will jump at chance of new custom. Get your son to help - 20 year old boys usually love that kind of thing - pizza and beer to bribe????

When my DD's father left he Informed his employer that he had moved - they paid for our Internet connection. I went through the Guardian newspaper advert to get the best option for me. I signed up for landline and Internet and cancelled BT phone and it was CHEAPER! Two big fat fingers up at him. Ok, you won't want to do that now. But it's in the thread and you can always look back at people's suggestions when you are ready. Maybe your lovely DS could help? Ok , practical advice aside. I know today was a bad day, but don't feel you have to put on a face for friends. When people ask me "how are you doing?" I just shake my head and they know. Of course your weekend was ful of dark and not much light. Would it help to think that each day that passes is a day further away from the acute pain.. And one day nearer to some calm and that chink Of light? Moving forward, away from him and towards you and your son. You are entangling and it's bloody hard. But you have already been through the worst, you're doing ok. And ok is good enough. Now, how about some toast?

I have looked up my local MN but there are no entries since last year so think it's not an active group.

His solicitor said that internet etc isn't an essential so he has no obligation to pay for any of that but I work from home sometimes so I need the internet, also I thought it was down to the way I have been accustomed to living so he can't just cut off these things.

I know I'll need to pay for it but I'm paying for so much now. I was very poor for years, had food given to me by a church when my DS was young even though I worked 3 jobs. I can't bear to be poor again and struggle.

I asked him on Saturday night when I called if he was with OW and he said no, I believed him again - I thought if he was then surely he wouldn't have picked up phone to me? But now it really hurts that he probably was with her.

Oh God, I can't believe the pain I'm feeling. I can't stop crying.

Holding your hand whatnext.

Please try not to worry about anything that is out of your control at the moment. Practical arrangements and finances can be sorted another time. Just focus on you and making yourself feel slightly better and getting through these early dark days.
Hang on in there... Hopefully you can get some sleep soon and get through another night. Tomorrow is a new day and another one closer to this bastard pain easing....

Cry away. Can you make yourself a cup of hot chocolate? something sweet? with a good dash of brandy in it for good measure and take the edge off?

I bought a cheap bottle of brandy and dribbled a little in my coffee often, just to give my taste buds a shocking kick!

You need a big box of tissues by you and some moisturiser to dab on your face and around your eyes when you're crying. It's all ok. Cry away. It's horrible.

It would be incredibly bloody shitty of him to cut off your internet (and therefore landline phone too?)

FFs, has he actually said he really will do this and given you a date? or is it an idle threat?

Are you in touch with him by email?

I for one can certainly draft you a decent email which you can send.

Forgive me if I've overlooked it, What, but you mentioned 'his solicitor'.

Have you got one of your own?

He saw a solicitor 2 weeks ago and I emailed him (in response to his 'internet' email) what his solicitor said as I haven't heard anything or had a letter or anything. He said his solicitor said that there is no reason for him to be paying for those bills. I pay for everything else anyway. He said he is giving me the option to take on the cost or he will cut it all off - he said he's being fair by giving me the option. He said everything else can wait for now - meaning the divorce. For some reason, after months of saying he will divorce me, now he says he's not and wants me to divorce him under adultery as he "deserves it". My head is so messed up.

I saw a solicitor weeks ago and she advised me to sort things out 'amicably' rather than involve the courts. I got in touch with my law firm today to ask how much it would be to get more advice now. Hopefully they will contact me tomorrow.

He emails me but only to tell me about the bills and what needs to be done in the house to prepare it for going on the market. He then said he has a sense of how I'm feeling and it's best to have no contact in the hope that I get stronger and able to have productive conversations in the future.

Crying is a release valve so you need to cry if that's how you feel. But dont let it be the only thing you do.

Regarding food, eat little and often. Cereal, toast, bananas, biscuits, just little things that dont seem much effort. and drink plenty of water and take multi vitamins. I existed in water, multi vits and half a banana and half a sandwich for weeks. I just felt too sick to eat and it becomes a vicious circle.

A very wise woman on here, who has been through her own loss said that "grief is the price you pay for love". It is true and the deeper you loved, the harder you grieve.

It is wrong for people to tell you to pull yourself together, that is not supporting you. You feel how you feel and nobody can change that in an instant by telling you to get over it. If only it were that easy!........

Keep posting and try and get some decent support from somewhere.

Dont drink as it stops the antidepressents working and you need them to work right now.

Breath thru the pain. Cry, shout, scream hit a pillow what ever you need to do to get to the next second or minute or hour. You will get thru this and look back and be proud of how strong you are and how you moved on to a better place. Imagin holding your sons baby or being at his wedding, thats where you want to be and where you are needed.

This man does not define who you are.

We are all put on Earth for a reason and I dont believe you have found yours yet so keep going xx

You are greaving for the lo and the relationship you have lost. Its going to hurt. Its ok to hurt xx

Get all the practical things sorted and have no contact with your exh and give yourself permission to start healing.

You need time and distance to heal to find yourself. Your life is not over its about to begin but you need to accept its over with your husband and you will be ok without him.

You can do this you will cope when you are ready to.

Keep talking to us xx