Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

....He then said he has a sense of how I'm feeling and it's best to have no contact in the hope that I get stronger and able to have productive conversations in the future......

Oh Boy. Forgive me but I reckon that the last thing he wants is for you to get stronger. Sounds (and not just from that above) as if he would be quite happy if you were an official 'mess' and couldn't stand up for yourself.

I think you may have to get a different and more proactive solicitor - but see if they get in touch tomorrow.

I've just read this thread and I feel for you Whatnext074, I really do.

As others have said, the pain is part of the grieving process. The anger will come soon and you will get through this. You will get stronger and you will, whether you believe it or not now, go on to live a better, happier life.

The best way you can win against him is by being happy and living a long, good, happy life.

Winston Churchill once said that when you are going through Hell the best thing to do is to keep on going - believe me, you can and will get through all of this.

I once needed a solicitor and a lovely, nice young man came in to meet me - I realised immediately he was not experienced or tough enough. I politely explained to him that I needed a rottweiler of a solicitor. I think that, perhaps, you need a rottweiler too?

Thank you all for taking the time to check on me and offer support. I am taking it all on board and you have helped me.

I need to sort the internet out as I don't know what I would do without it at the moment. He earns shed-loads of money but just wants to spend it on his OW now, I need the internet - God only knows how I would have been on Saturday without your help. I'll see what I can afford.

Assume you'll get to keep your internet in some way - there are lots of good deals out there and if 'his solicitor' persuades him that he can withdraw funding for it, something can be sorted out.

Morning whatnext.
I hope you managed a bit of sleep. How are you this morning? Have you eaten some breakfast? In danger of sounding like my mother here but do try to eat something...some more cereal or some toast.

Just read your update regarding the solicitor. Totally agree that you need a bit of a Rottweiler solicitor here. Now, I could have this TOTALLY wrong but I seem to recall that a neighbour who had been cheated on by her fuckwit of a husband divorced him citing adultery....vaguely remember her saying that because of this she had to meet the costs (seem to remember about 800 ponies being mentioned). Could have this wrong, maybe others on here can confirm/correct me here. Anyway, just wondering why he would want you to divorce him and cite adultery all of a sudden. "Because he deserves it", is a load of rubbish so it seems a bit suspect from an outsider.

Also- the letter saying about Internet connection, do u think it was just a 'trying it on' letter. Do you think he a really will do it?? If he's meeting the cost of everything else, what's his problem with this particular bill??

Now you are separated would you be able to claim any benefits that could help you to meet these costs yourself so that u can stick two fingers up at him and just take the contract over??

Anyway...if you're still not in the frame of mind to deal with these things they can wait for today. Just get through the day...hour by hour. Are you going to work?

• ponies??!! Pounds... Sorry, on phone x

If you file the divorce petition it will cost you £410 I think. It's all changed a bit since I did mine last year. i think if you file for adultery you can ask him to pay the costs though.....

I agree - get a shit-hot solicitor. If he 'earns shed-loads of money' then he can quite reasonably be expected to pay towards your costs. And don't divorce him, let him stew.

Par for the course I think whatsNext. Some men seem to forget about the family that they loved and view a divorce as something you 'win'. A competitive thing maybe? Or a way of dealing with their guilt - make you the bad one? I don't know, but I do know that those men don't find happiness, because they close themselves off too much.

I am so pleased you are doing better. Every day will be a little bit better. Even if it is only 1% , it's still better. Keep posting and keep talking in real life too. You WILL be ok.

Whatnext - just popping in to say hi, as I have been (almost) without internet since Saturday. Have been thinking about you and have been able to read a little on MN via my phone - though posting takes ages.

Have you got a smartphone? If your h is messing about with the internet and if you can't get online or pick up the bills, you can get a phone with mobile access for c£10.50 per month, with calls included, so you could always get online that way. Just choose a phone like the Galaxy Samsung, not a Blackberry like me, with a nice big screen for MNetting! I'm sure that your ds would help you choose one.

Give your ds a hug from us. Can't believe your mum is still going on at him. She is worried about you but getting it so wrong, whereas he is such a star, isn't he? You must be very proud of him to have produced such a level headed young man.

Thinking of you.

Whatnext, it sounds like he is railroading you - emailing you to tell you what to do to get the house ready for the market?! I am no expert but that seems a bit previous of him. It's certainly hugely insensitive if not cruel. I second others who are advising getting a solicitor on board.

Absolutely. There's a shed load of money (marital assets) at stake here - the pension aspects alone are likely to be massive - and a seriously proactive solicitor is needed if the OP is not to be railroaded. My guess is that he's hoping, subconsciously, that What will just quietly disappear from the scene and leave him to enjoy his current lifestyle but with the different model.

Sorry. It doesn't work like that.

Mammadiggingdeep - I pay everything apart from Sky/home phone and internet and mortgage. He said he's going to stop paying for the internet etc but keep paying the mortgage BUT wants the house on the market in January.

My solicitor charges £235 + VAT an hour - I am shocked. I'm guessing that's why he didn't send me a solicitor letter when he went and why he wants ME to divorce HIM now due to cost.

Even if I get a solictor to draw up a Separation Agreement, that's another £900 approximately. He knows all this and I bet that's why he's being like this, to make me take the action.

I'm stuck - totally stuck. I'm not eligible for benefits or legal aid. I know costs could come out of any settlement but it's a lot of money to pay out for in the meantime.

I'm just distraught by it all and it gets worse.

Longtallsally - thank you for your kind words and for thinking of me.

No no, What. Keep calm - you're OK.

Solicitors aren't going to bill you as you leave the office after seeing them because they know the score. Settling accounts will come later on - particularly in such a case as yours.

I'm afraid I don't recall what your relative financial contributions to the marriage were (eg whether you were always working out of the home and well paid or working in the home and not in receipt of external income) but I don't think you're going to be on the street.

You need a good solicitor directly. Unless your current firm have phoned you back already and are making very assertive noises (along with setting another appointment), I would be looking for a new one.

Do you have RL support as well?

Right well what he wants and what he gets are two different matters whatnext!!! Is your name in the mortgage??
Do you contribute to it? Have you over the years?

At the moment you don't have to do anything. You need time to get yourself together and really think it all through. By January you might agree to a sale. At the moment he should respect that you are in shock and deeply upset and fuck off with his demands. I feel so angry on your behalf.

Yes, I also think he's trying to get you to take the action. Look, at the moment you're a really in a string position.

You are on the house. Don't do anything. He has to pay the mortgage of he'll default. Don't feel like any of this is going to happen tomorrow. It isn't. Don't do anything until you are ready to.

strong position and in the house

• or he'll default. Good god....my typos are ridiculous

Yes indeed. Angry. I just wish I knew more about English law (assuming the OP is in England.) But a solicitor will know.

I think it's worth noting, What, that for someone so penny pinching that he's talking about cutting off your current internet, he's immediately hired a lawyer. He may well be hoping that you are so unaware/isolated that you won't realize or take steps to find out your rights in this matter and will accept any crumbs he hands out.

Oh and By The Way - if your internet and services are Sky, there's a minimum 1 month termination lag as far as I know - you can't be cut off overnight.

Well you don't desperately need the divorce do you? Change your name back and call him your ex - apart from anything else the longer he is "married" to you the more it will piss of the OW It does sound like he is trying to get you to foot the legal bill...sod him, you don't have to compromise or do what he wants.

BlueSkySunnyDay - that's what I'm thinking, at the moment I am in no hurry to divorce him - as he wants me to under adultery because he knows it's quicker. I know I should think of myself but at the moment, I have some tiny satisfaction that they will both become annoyed that we are still married - even though they have their '5 year plan' as if he files, and I contest it, he has to wait 5 years. Maybe they don't care anyway as he is wiping me out in every other sense anyway.

Yes, I work f/t, pay all bills, car etc. He pays mortgage, both our names are on it.

He doesn't want me but he got annoyed when I created a new email address under my maiden name, said that I told him I won't divorce him so why am I changing my name on email. What the hell DOES he want??!! Messing with my head.

I have to get back to work now and try and keep it together. Just fall apart here every day - I'm a mess, it's so sad.

I don't think you're a mess, What. You already sound a bit stronger than you did the other night. (Although you may not see it in yourself at the moment.)

Love that he was annoyed at you creating a new email address. My granny would have called that 'Wanting his cake and eating it'. He wants you still yearning after him. What an ego, eh?

Excellent advice here. You don't need to hurry. (a 1 month termination lag with SKY would give you lots of time to sign up with BT or someone else, IF he does pull the plug.)

He IS mean and showing you no respect!

Concentrate on yourself, on the first steps of healing. Is there something nice you can do for yourself today - a bath, some food, a walk, a book, a telly programme, something you like?

Your solicitor is taking the piss - no way should it be that much per hour. Phone round, get a better idea of costs.

Put the house on the market? I think that whatever he wants you to do - I'd do the exact opposite! He left you - he doesnt get to tell yhou what to do any more. And loving the fact that he is annoyed that you changed back to your maiden name - what the hell has it got to do with him?

If you are both named on mortgage you are both liable for it - but if he stops paying it, you will be building up more equity than him! The mortgage company may be able to put the payments on a 'holiday' for a few months, until it's a bit more sorted.