Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Yes what next....I used to actually say to myself aloud at the end of a day "that's another day done". Sometimes, when I couldn't face getting out of bed in the mornings I'd think...lets get in with this day, lets get it over with. Each day does become a little less painful. You will get good days and bad ones (like your night on Saturday) but unfortunately you're on this roller coaster now and you e got to ride it to the bitter end. It's a ride you don't want to be riding and one you didn't put yourself on but you've still got to get through it my lovely. We are all here to support you.

I hope you managed some sleep and that work is manageable today. Remember: an hour at a time and the day will pass...
X

Whatnext, really glad to hear from you. I don't have direct experience to draw on of what you are going through but in dark times I find it helpful to imagine 6 months, a year or 3 years time. I think of this pain fading and of where I want to be. Its early days for you yet but it will get better x

I am so pleased you are ok WhatNext. Everyone on here is right, you will get better. Gradually your bad days won't be as bad as Saturday and you will notice that you are having more good days and you will be better.

Amazonion what an amazing lady you must be. Your post brought a tear to my eye. I wish your son a speedy and full recovery.

I have never been divorced, but I am the child of a very painful divorce so I can be the voice of Christmas future! My mum was like you. My dad was controlling. When he walked out she didn't know how to write a cheque. She'd never been allowed to a supermarket. She couldn't change a light bulb. She was 16 when they met and 29 when he left. She had two small children and she has told me how she felt as though the world had ended. I was only 4, but I remember the pain. I remember her clinging to me and crying. I remember relatives trying to help. Very dark days.

But now? I'm a grown up and my mum is an amazing, strong, DIY fiend! More importantly, she is happy. She is remarried, something she couldn't even imagine all those years ago. She has a grandson that she dotes on. She has walked two daughters down the aisle and spoken at their weddings.

My dad? Well, I haven't heard from him in 10 years, but I recently found out he is getting divorced. Again. My mum says she feels nothing at all. I do though, I feel sad that this man is not capable of experiencing true joy. I feel sad that he is alone again, but this time in his 60s, but he is toxic.

You continue to be a good and loving person and you will be ok. It might take 4 weeks, 4months or even 4 years, but you will be fine

Op when I was at my lowest ebb I checked exDp's and his OW's profiles obsessively. I mean, every few minutes. It was like a drug. I couldn't stop. And it made me so unhappy.

But I did stop. One day I realised it was lunchtime and I hadn't checked. A few weeks later and I'd stopped altogether. I haven't looked for months and months now.

You will get there. Promise. Keep going xx

There you go, What. You may not feel strong but you managed to get through that very dark night. People will be here if you want to rant or dump - there's usually someone around even in the wee small hours.

See if you can get a couple of hours sleep this afternoon if sleeping at night is difficult. Taking care of your physical self is very important right now.

I think wellwobbly has confirmed what I have observed - when the relationship is over fullstop - the pain is immediate and intense but slowly ends

With the friends who stayed with their OH it is a much more prolonged process and a few have subsequently decided that the relationship needed to end anyway.

Keep yourself busy, take all the help and company you can get and don't talk about it all the time I know you will want to but its like picking at a scab it wont get better unless you give it a chance.

If you have a wobble come on here and vent, there will be someone else here who has been through the same.

Well done whatnext, for holding on. Come back every time you need to, every dark night.

I read your other thread and I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not your fault this happened and as others have said he is guilty and therefore wants o hurt you to make himself feel better.

The reason I am posting is that I am just coming out the other side of a breakdown fuelled by a long period of anxiety and depression. I was also suicidal for the first time in my life. I felt utterly lost and unable to continue. Thank God though I was able to tell my GP how I was feeling. She made a referral to the Crisis Team and they saw me the same day and then either came to see me or caled me every day until my meds started to kick in and I felt I could keep myself safe. I also got hooked up with some CBT within the week which is really helping me to challenge the negative thought cycle and self-loathing loop I am in which is driving the anxiety an depression.

I urge you please to speak to your GP, tell her/him about the suicidal feelings and ask for some counselling and support from the crisis team. You don't have to do this alone. I also urge you please to take a break from work. I know it feels hard but if you don't give yourself so e proper respite you will sink lower. It sounds like your employer is supportive and would understand.

Please also remember that (although you can't see it now) these feelings are temporary, they will pass, you can and will have a bright future. Suicide is permanent. Sorry to put it so bluntly and I don't say it lightly. I've ben there and I can say now that I didn't want to die, I just wanted to stop feeling so shit. With time and help I have stopped feeling so shit. Please, go see your GP today, get a fit note and a referral to the crisis team. Think about yourself today not your twat of an H and the OW.

Whatnext you are a brave and strong woman, you've done so so well getting through that night and carrying on. I am in tears reading some of the stories on this thread. Please do cherish yourself every day and every night and post on MN if it helps. (I'm not normally up at 1am but I'm glad I was on Saturday night!)

Your body is probably seriously out of kilter due to the surges of adrenalin that are helping you to 'fight' all the distress and causing you to feel unwell.
Try and concentrate on eating good things to redress the balance. Have a very good diet and try and have some food at regular intervals even if you don't feel like it.
If the physical body is being nourished, the mental chaos has a chance of easing up as body and mind need to be in tune - and recovery can follow.
Give yourself rest, sleep, good food, get support and company, shelter, cleanliness - the basics of survival. I hope you have an ok day.

Whatnext, I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. Only read your thread this morning, and just want to say it will get easier. We're all here for you.

Get yourself signed off work, and see if your son can take a few days off. Do something together, just the two of you, like going to a movie or a meal. Distraction is key, fill your time with anything other than that cheating twat of an ex.

You are a beautiful, strong woman. He doesn't deserve you.

If you're around London, try the museums. They were a lifesaver for me when ex left, they reminded me that there is still beauty and joy and wonder in the world.

Stay positive, sweetheart. Thinking of you xx

Inspirational post Bigwooooo

Hold on and keep putting one foot in front of another op. I totally second the advice about trying to eat and sleep. Adrenalin surges are exhausting and horrible. But they do stop !

Amazonian - another one in at tears at your post and in awe at your strength. Very best wishes to you and your son x

Hi Whatnext,

I saw this today and thought of you . Hope it provides a little light relief .

7 Ways to Be Insufferable on Facebook

Hello What

I don’t post very much on these boards but I did read your post and the rawness of it made me want to add to the wonderful support and advice that you have read. It’s nothing new – more an affirmation of what others have said and as when I was in the eye of the storm knowing others had made it out the other side did help me.

In brief, my husband left unexpectedly when my son was 2.5, I was in the middle of IVF and we can recently ended a pregnancy for medical reasons. I was blindsided but more than that my ‘D’ H turned into a totally different person overnight from loving husband to the person that said post egg collection “you may as well shut the fuck up crying as I feel nothing for you anymore”. Confronting and at the time it drove me to the edge of reason.

Its 3 years later now and whilst still a little snakes and ladders I can barely recognise myself from the woman that almost broke. I lost huge amounts of weight (from a frame that was not large), was left to forge new career (I’d moved to Australia when pregnant and had not worked her and prevented from moving back), had no idea how to find the front door let along earn enough to house and feed by son, and for a good while wanted to just sit down in the middle of the road and make it all go away. The idea that I would ever have moments of happiness again was inconceivable.

I posted a lot of Mumsnet (Springy and others held my hand and kept me sane) but even on here and in RL when people would tell me I would get through it and would not feel the incredible weight of physical and mental pain I would smile and nod but not believe it. I felt that their experiences were different to mine. Their depth of feeling towards their ex, different to mine. I am (without sounding up myself) a fairly smart person but could not countenance that their weight of experience was relevant to mine.

But I’m here to tell you that as unlikely as it seems in the here and now, the weight of experience is right. You WILL get through this. And you WILL feel better. It WILL happen. Of course it changes for both good and bad but you will emerge from this and you will look back at your broken self and be so fucking pleased that he didn’t take the most important thing from you. Life can and will be good, as improbable as it seems today.

This is a saying I go back to again and again….I’m not sure of origins (I can’t take credit for it - a friend friend's poet friend I think) but a friend sent it to me and I recently sent it to a friend struggling….you say that you feel a little – just a little better – so hang on to that and remember ....

There is light and there is darkness. There is always a bit of light. Stay with this light, just with that little bit. Don’t look for a bigger one. Stay with what you’ve got. It’ll grow. Stay with the small light. Very important. Stay with it. Don’t stay with what you haven’t got. Light is light.

Stay with the light Well -- there will be more to come x

oops mixed up my what's with my well's in last sentence ......

OP read your original post so I'm sure this has moved on a bit.

My ex's OW is as plain and dowdy as they come. However they've know each other for over 30 years so presumably that trumps looks.

I don't think it makes it any better if the OW is plain. In fact it's probably worse because you know the attraction is probably more than superficial..........

Hope you're feeling better today.

downunderdolly I'm in tears at your post. Currently holding onto the little bit of light too. Glad you are onthe other side. Thanks

downunderdolly I'll never forget that quote. Thank you.

Lovely post/quote dolly

Hello What

I have been following your thread and just wanted to offer my support. I know what you are going through. My husband left 6 months ago. I was bereft, devastated and suicidal. I could barely get through one hour let alone a day. But I listened to all the ladies on here and they helped me enormously, I recognise a lot of their names and they all know what they are talking about. Please believe when they say it does get easier. You have to focus on you now, try to not think about what he is doing, don't torture yourself. Get out and about as much as you can, accept invites and be kind to yourself. You are not just grieving, but that feeling of being abandoned and betrayed is overwhelming.
And hold onto the light, keep looking for the light, I am too and a lot of us on here are.

Hello What - so glad you have posted again - I read your post and was so worried about you. But you are strong and brave and here we are Monday afternoon.

My Twunt left 18 mths ago and it was so very unexpected. He told me he had been having an affair then few weeks later moved in with her - basis of a good solids relationship there!!!

I was devastated. He left Sunday night. On the Monday I had to get my boys to school. I don't know how I did it looking back. But we are strong.

This summer I took my two back packing around Europe - we had a ball. It was such a honour to spend this special time with my children. My Twunt missed out on that!

18 mths later I am getting stronger and soon I will get a solicitor to start the divorce. At the moment I know it irritates the OW that he is still married and so I get some pleasure from that :/).

One small step every day. As someone else said I use to go to bed and think well I got through that day not too badly. My children love me. We have a lovely relationship that Twunt will never replicate. It is his loss and I now finally say to myself "she is so welcome to him!"

Like other posters I am very glad you managed to get through the night OP. Just keep taking it five minutes at a time.
xx

Ladies.......reading your posts on here is just inspirational. We are all at different stages of this process but my god, the STRENGTH we all have is incredible. We are all fighting out own battles and making our way on our separate journeys but I just want to stop to say you are all incredible and the support you offer others in here is fantastic. I know it helped me through the worst and I hope others feel supported too.

The quote about hanging onto the light is so accurate. That's exactly what you need to do whatnext. On the days you lose sight of that light we are here got you.
Xx

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