Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Thank God you're ok whatnext. So glad you had support today. Let's hope you turn some sort of corner.
Facebook to me is nothing but a way of feeling inadequate/self torture if in a bad place in ones life. It compels people to compare and see the world in a completely unrealistic way and certainly NOT how it really is.
I hope you have a better night, and nourishment and a better day tomorrow.
We know how you feel, really. Keep posting and getting the support you need x

Sorry, pressed 'send'. Was just going to add that you sound such a lovely person, sensitive and considerate , it's a shame your DH doesn't value you. But that's his weakness. He can sort that iut in his own head. Please let him go, a little each day. Untangle yourself and if hurts a bit less. You sound like you need some food, just a little ..toast etc. and sleep. For the first time in my life I have been visualising a 'sunny day, lying in a meadow ' type image to help me un knot the anxiety and get to sleep. Are you going to work tomorrow?

I had to delete fb after my XH left for OW. It's much better that way.

It's a hard long road. But it gets better I promise. Hang on in there x

Thank you all.

I am going to work tomorrow, I don't know yet if I will make it through a full time week but I think if I can't then I will get signed off but only if I am able to make some plans for what to do with my days. I cannot get like I was last night.

I want to get better, I am trying but I was so weak last night.

My H emailed me this morning saying that he doesn't understand why I felt the need to call him last night and wake him up. He knows it didn't help me and he has some sense of how I'm feeling. Then went on to say he is being thoughtful by giving me the option to pay for sky/phone/internet but if I can't pay or refuse to pay then he is cutting it off. He told me not to contact him again until I can talk about productive things.

And yet - I still can't get angry with him. I'm dealing with such a build up of grief that I don't know what's happening to me anymore.

Ignore anything other than essential contact from him. Please do get help from your doctor. I had to keep on working as self employed with then 4yo DD to look after but I wasn't eating and was just crying all the time. My doctor put me on anti depressants which helped to get me through the next few months and enabled me to function in a daily basis.

Sorry, also meant to say that it is the grief which is do disabling and destroying and you need to do whatever it takes to work through it in your own time.

You were not weak last night...you got through it, just like you will get through tonight, and the next night, and the next night. I'm glad you've got real life support around you. Just remember, even if you're taking baby steps, you're still moving forward. This WILL get better xx

So glad to see you post again, and well done for de-activating your fb.

Your h sounds as if he is being un-necessarily cruel, and lacks empathy. Sometime, hopefully sooner rather than later, you will see you are better off without him in your life.

Cuddle your teddy - I'm having a horrible time at work, and my dd put my 30 yo teddy in my bed after she saw me crying - he brought me so much comfort!

It's great that your brother is there for you. I'm so glad you are OK. Don't think too much about having to get through the whole of next week. Just today will do for now.

On Saturday I went to the house auction on a dear fried of mine who was in a similar situation to you two years ago. It has taken her time but she has started a whole shiny new life. She never worked when she was married. She's doing a course, she's going for a walk round a lake every day, she's got new friends - it's all happening. She was standing outside laughing and joking with her friends. The same friends who had been picking her off the floor and shoving her in the shower a year and a half ago!

You are in no weak for feeling like you do. It only happened four weeks ago. Well done for deleting your FB.

You can't force it - you'll get angry when the time is right. Now is time to attend to your basic needs: food, sleep, shelter. Everything else matters not. Your DS and brother and his GF love you. You are being willed SO much strength and power on MN.

Well bloody done for keeping on keeping on. You're going to do this - you are a loving mum - keep remembering that.

Your H will reap his own karma. And so will she.

Focus on you. One day at a time. And know there are many, many people rooting for you.

Whatnext I have been reading all of your pain. Your posts have brought back a lot of memories of my terrible pain too.

But I hope that my story can give you hope. You will overcome this pain. The pain will go. The pain brings you strength and joy that you have yet to discover.

My husband disappeared five years ago when my son was 6 months old. He emptied our accounts of our savings, withdrew our ten thousand pound overdraft, walked down the garden path and drove my car to Heathrow.

He dumped the car at the airport and caught a plane to Bangkok.

I have never seen him since.

Some people on here remember my thread from that dark dark the time.

Like you are now, I was in unbearable pain. It felt as though I had blood poisoning my body was so wracked. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't eat. I didn't sleep for a month.

At the end of that month I told friends I felt suicidal. The police arrived at my house, my baby was removed from me for two nights by social services and put into emergency foster care and I was put in a police cell until a lovely doctor came to see me and ordered police to release me immediately.

It was hell, sitting in that cell, holding a piece of toilet paper and feeling nothing but agony and fear.

In the weeks that followed I desperately wanted to know how long the pain was going to last. I asked over and over on MN for people to give me a timeline for recovery as I absolutely thought I would never ever get through it.

But I did and I have.

I was 44 at the time, 49 now. My son is nearly six. He is a joy and we laugh constantly. He was diagnosed with leukaemia last year but I am fucking strong and so is he and we are doing brilliantly.

This shit you are going through? You just have to cry/swear/drink/smoke/shake and wail through the first bit: I turned a corner after four months. I started to get angry and less afraid of the bastard. The bodily pain eased as the adrenalin slowed down.

I had a house full of his shirts, coats, pants, socks, our love letters and all our married belongings. I slowly 'culled' things: his books went to charity shops or the tip, his cuff-links I kept for my son, his clothes I burned. I flogged his bike on ebay. I felt guilty at first as I still loved him. I could not understand how he could possibly abandon a small longed-for baby boy.

I have learned so much and changed as a person as a result of the whole experience. I have learned that I am a wonderful, kind, generous woman, a fantastic single parent, an amazing cook, a great gardener, am good at DIY and run a biggish house with aplomb. I have taken in lodgers and worked as a cleaner and freelance writer.

I am no longer that 44 year old woman in agony, with a broken heart and a crushed life.

I have love, light and friends. I have self-respect. I am not afraid to be identifiable on the internet. I did nothing wrong.

My son is much much braver than I have ever been, coping with rounds and rounds of chemotherapy, needles and endless bags of blood and platelets.

You are going to come through this pain. This pain you have is going to go. Your husband will shrink in your estimation and you will find joy and laughter again. I promise.

The wisest thing somebody told me, is that Love needs nurturing, like a plant - it needs to be fed and watered and without those things, it dies naturally. This love you feel for your piss-poor husband, will fade and die.

His loss. He's an Arsewipe.

Thank you so much.

I still can't believe this is happening, I need to get better, I scared myself. I draw strength from you all.

Wonderful post, Amazonian. (And wishing your son good health soon.)

Whatnext, I think you're in shock. It's a physical reaction and send you reeling.

It will not last.

You have seen rock bottom - and you're climbing up and up. You really are. We are all urging you onwards and upwards, lady!

Amazonian - thank you for sharing, that is just heartbreaking and uplifting at the same time. You sound like an amazing woman. There is hope, living by the minute and taking small steps.

I wish your son all the best, my DS was seriously ill with meningitis when he was 5 and as a mother, it is the most difficult thing to see them in pain but they are the strong ones. I wish your son and you every good thing for the future.

Whatnext - I will say what I say to everyone - you have to take one day at a time, it will take time then one day you will realise you have got to lunch time without thinking about him. Eventually you will realise that this was not about you, a nice man would not behave in this way - if the relationship was over there are far more considerate ways to go about separating.

I have made so many friends on here who have been through the same thing they are all in a much better place in their lives a few years down the road - you are not alone and you can do it.

Unlikely - I remember your thread, I probably told you the same thing (possibly under a different name)

I look back on the person I thought I couldn't live without - I feel sorry for him, I doubt he will ever be happy - I had a lucky escape and I am sure he has made countless women unhappy since we broke up.

Unlikely & whatnext. . For you both.

Unlikely you sound like an amazing person, I hope your son is getting better.

Whatnext I hope you are drawing strength from all the posters on here, you have us all right behind you every step of the way.

Glad to see you made it through that awful night

someone posted about the crisis team. Please get a referral through your GP for the crisis team to visit you in your home. It is not the same as being sectioned - in fact it is nothing like being sectioned. ime it is nigh impossible to get someone sectioned anyway - I tried for years to get my neighbour sectioned and drew a complete blank.

Maybe you're seeing extremes eg sectioned or die. You don't have to do/be either. Darling, if you check out, you pass the pain onto your son. I'm not exaggerating. Try to find a way to bear this pain. Like when you were in labour, you found a way to get through it. Do it for your boy xxx

Whatnext...so glad you're ok. Take hour by hour. Each day you get through is a day nearer to this pain becoming bearable, then it fading, fading until you are yourself again.

Amazonian...what an amazing woman you are. Tears reading your post. No love like a mothers love and I think that's what gets many of us through these shitty, dark periods in our lives. Best wishes to you and your ds.

Whatnext- be kind to yourself, eat little and often, even soup or hot chocolate will give you some energy. Hope work goes ok tomorrow- take an hour by hour.

We are all rooting for you and are here for you to post at any time you feel low again.
Hugs x

I found huge strength, care and wisdom from posters on MN back then and I really hope that you are finding the same. Keep seeking that strength on here and in Real Life.

Small steps. Baby steps. Take things one hour, one morning, one afternoon, one day, one week at a time.

Your husband is a callous knob. No matter how apparently wonderful he was before, that's what he has turned out to be. Yes, it's a head-fuck but you do get it eventually and the pain subsides.

He's her problem now, not yours. And believe me, he is going to end up being one major problem for her too.

Treat yourself even if you can't face it - a half hour massage, a steaming hot bubble bath. I bought a huge garden swing and used to swing on it in the middle of the night when sleep would not come, and in all weather.

Self-love... loving yourself when and if you can... is important right now. You can and will get through this. Lean on anyone and everyone you can. Make it real by telling everyone what he has done.

mammadiggingdeep - I thought that tonight, each day, no matter how painful is a success as I have got through it. Thank you for your support.

springybiffy - I will try to remember your post in dark moments. My GP asked me if I was a danger to myself and I said I don't have that right. I need to remember that no matter how much I miss my H, if I wasn't here then my DS would miss me 100 times more forever.

Last night, I felt less than worthless, I will have more moments when I feel worthless but I need to remember my DS, my support in RL and my support here.

Glad to see you're a bit calmer now OP, wishing you all the best x

So happy to hear you're still with us. Thinking of you. Amazonian - you sound amazing.

Well, if it is confession time... I also hug my teddy! x

Amazon, wow. You and I had bomb drop at round about the same time. And here is the difference between her and me, Whatnext: I have spent the last 5 years 'reconciling' and now am facing the gut wrenching pain of it all being over.

Believe whoever told you that he is now her problem. Guess what Mr Wobbly's OW whined about? 'You never talk to me'.... and she was starting to make emotional demands and show jealousy of his family at the end ha ha ha!

It is THEM and their emotional lack of connection, not you. His text about being woken up and Sky? Breathtaking in its lack of empathy or connection. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

Seriously, OW deserves everything she is going to get. This is why I have no sympathy for any OW that comes bleating on here after they have in turn been abused. If you knew he was in a committed relationship when you got involved, then you are actively participating in the emotional, financial and sexual abuse of another person. You are actively ignoring the clear message that you are getting involved with an abuser.

Whatnext, we know what it feels like. Keep breathing, keep eating, keep talking to us, one hour at a time. You WILL survive this pain, and with some courage and honesty, you will grow so much through it.