Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Thank you for posting elastamum, it really helps to hear that people have moved on. I am slowly trying to think of a list of good things. I am actually living my life by lists at the moment with things I have to do and feel a little proud when I tick something off.

bluebird, I'm going to re-read some of my thread tomorrow and remember to wear my hairband on my wrist. You made me smile mentioning my DS with the cotton buds, he's a bit strange - like me.

I have put my beautiful flowers right in my eye-line, I'm so pleased with them. Thank you for your support x

Whatnext......

I'm so pleased you had a lovely day!! You have so turned that corner!! Yes, there's a bumpy road ahead and yes they'll be more down days ahead but now on your down days you can hold it together knowing a good one will be around the corner.

You know what...the more good days you have the more empowered you feel...like "yeah you bastard...you can't keep a good woman down" kind of vibe.

I agree- be nice to him on Saturday. Not a "I want you back" nice...just a "yeah, I'm pretty together actually" nice. Confuse the bastard. Keep him second guessing. Like he did you for the 2 months before he left.

I love the image of us all with you in spirit on Saturday. If you have a wobble and think you can't keep it together, imagine us all, all shapes and sizes in our gold cheerleading hot pants and waving our Pom poms... :) seriously, you have so much support- he doesn't stand a chance.

Love the fact you're looking after yourself, massage, flowers, family pics....bloody brilliant.

Well done whatnext...you're amazing my lovely
Xx

BTW you do know that when you picture me by your side I'm the size 10 5ft9 stunning brunette don't you

On Saturday, you could put a few things in different places so they catch your eye - to remind you of the support on here. Every time he bugs or upsets you when he comes over on Saturday, look at them, and remember how many people think you are doing brilliantly. (Even if he decides one of those things is his and packs it away, it still represents the hundreds of strangers on here wishing you well.) Helps to have some sort of visual reminder. And the flowers can remind you of how much you are prepared to take good care of your self and have a good life, whatever is thrown your way.

Cjel....and naturally I'm the 5ft8 blonde beach volley ball player standing just to your left...you can't miss me :)

Yes, you're right, these are my surroundings now and I need to remember that he is taking his stuff that doesn't belong here. I still find it hard being in this house, especially as for months we had been planning to move together but for now, I have a familiar home with my family photos - and a whole lot of beautiful, tall women behind me - my house is only small by the way....

Hi

You came into my mind this morning, What. I was looking round our kitchen, imagining DH's stuff gone and had a sudden revelation, along the lines OMG all of the clutter I have to endlessly work round is his not mine. 100s of CDs and books, and trinkets etc. Instead of worrying that he might take something you'd like to keep, I think perhaps in a highly civil way you could politely request that he takes absolutely everything of his. Every last pair of crapola underpants and chewed pencil. Cleanse your home of every last scrap of his kit.

Because one thing he's likely to be doing is cherry picking. He'll be walking away from his old life/old self and taking only the stylish New Me shit. But he can't. Make sure he takes all his tat with him and unburdens it all on OW. All those hideous mugs and cheesy CDs and washed out teeshirts and boxes of stuff from his school/uni days that are stuffed in the back of the wardrobe. And all his old sports kit and stinky sports bags.

In a kindly way, help him bundle every last bit of it up and maybe get a friend to pop by and help him take the Whole Lot over to OWs or wherever he now is. Be firm on this. He's left and this is no longer his home, so better for you both to make a totally clean break. You are helping and supporting him on this one.

Bet he'll be shocked at how much of what he wanted to escape from has eff-all to do with you and mucho to do with him... And OW will just love and cherish all his tat suffocating their love nest, won't she?

Morning NOT thats exactly what mine did. He came twice after he'd moved out to get all his stuff and I still found enough to fill a whole van that I had boxed up and put in the garage, I had to tell him if it wasn't gone by ... then his mate was storing it and charging him, he said he wasn't paying storage so I just said your choice and he came one of the first times I stood up to him and because it was his mate that would know what he was like he did it!!!

Yes...in agreement about getting rid of every last item. Don't let him use it as a chance to have a clear out, leaving old 'jumble' items that'll you'll have to take to charity shop etc. he said he'll be there for 15 minutes! Somehow I think he thinks he's just collecting few more clothes etc.

Brilliant advice about making him take every last piece of crap that belongs to him & not just the stuff he really wants.

Every single thing. All those 'interesting' stones he picked up on the beach, that strange bottle of booze no one will drink because it's so disgusting, the left over pills from when he hurt his back, old toothbrushes kept for cleaning small bits pf metal, ooooooh I am really projecting here!

Even though my dd would yelp in consternation and disown me immediately, I shall be wearing gold hotpants for you on Saturday. I'll be the short fat one with wobbly thighs, hiding at the back

Hello What. Dropped by to see how you are getting on and the short answer is "BRILLIANTLY!" :D

It's going to be quite crowded in your little house on Saturday with all your supporters. You have your lovely DS and family, massive MN support, the moral high ground and your dignity. And what does he have eh? Zilch!

Just one thing from a few days struck me. When you said " this is all getting quite real now and he is asking for me to put things in an email, such as my reasons for wanting to be in the house when he comes."

You don't have to give him reasons. You owe him nothing - not even your breath and time to explain anything to him.

Perhaps you could borrow a line I used when my MiL phoned up to harrange me when I separated from her son. I said "One of the few good things to come out of this sorry mess is that I no longer have to pretend to care what you think. Goodbye!"

I'm going to have a look around today and make sure he takes his crap too. He has said there is no need for him to take all his stuff as it's his house too and he has a right to store his things here.

Bad night. My DS went out with friends and then text me saying he wanted to really hurt my H, I won't go into detail on here but I was worried for him being out in that frame of mind with the messages he was sending me so I told him to come home and I'd make a cup of tea.

My DS came home, was hysterical and crying so much saying he can't believe his SD has done this and he is one step away from making sure he hurts (again, won't put what he actually said). He cried and cried and was so angry saying how he feels so betrayed. He said he can't sleep and when he can't, he writes things down and there are pages and pages of how my H's actions have hurt him. I knew my DS was being strong for me and I underestimated how much this has impacted on him.

Luckily he has deleted my H number so he hasn't contacted him. I made him promise not to contact him as it will make things worse for the legal process and he said he wouldn't. My DS won't be here on Saturday which is a good thing.

He asked me how to cope and my heart broke seeing him like that, such an emotional mess. I said we need to look after each other and tried to reassure him that we'll be okay.

My poor DS brought up about my 2 lost little ones and how if they had survived, he dreams sometimes of looking after them, taking them for walks and letting me go out for the night while he babysat his little DB or DSis. I had no idea! He said he thinks of them a lot. I said that in 5-10 years time, he would have his own DS or DD and he will have the chance to do all those things and he will be a wonderful Dad. He can't move on at the moment from all the babies that have been lost in our families.

He's had so much to deal with for someone his age, I try to protect him but I can't.

I feel so bad seeing my DS like that but I still cannot hate my H, I just feel sad about it all.

{hugs} That brought tears to my eyes.

So so sorry you are both going through this. I wish I had some magic words to make it all make sense and for the pain to go away.

You are getting there, so will your son. Do you think some counselling would be helpful now?

No you have to be at the front Jux - tall people at the back, come along!

In which case I'll be at the front. You'll be proud of me for losing the stop-smoking weight (well, a bit, but I'm on a roll not a roll-up ). I can easily fit into your little house now . What time is he coming? Is it 1pm?

Imagine the throng with you. There are many of us.

I'm tempted to say don't leave him alone but supervise every last bit so he doesn't sneak anything in while your back is turned AND he has to take his shit with him.

Loving the massaged you, with flowers and photos and new hair. Brilliant.

Whatnext....
So sorry to hear that your wonderful ds is suffering :( I expect the way it came out last night is totally normal for a man if his age...at 20, any young man would express himself like that. It sounds like you said all the right things. The idea of you supporting each other is the way you'll both get through this. I agree that counselling might be a good idea for him- he has a lot on his plate.

Even though I'm sure him feeling like this has given you more to worry about in a way it's a really healthy, positive step that the 2 of you have has such an honest chat. You two seem to have such a great relationship. He totally opened up to you and that can only be a good thing. At least it's off his chest now.

It is so sad for you both, neither of you deserved this. It's sad that your ds has learnt about the selfishness some people have at such a young age. However, try to take comfort that you can look after him. He's truly lucky to have a mum like you.

Hugs x

so sorry whatnext, x-post

It is so good that your ds is expressing his pain about this. This tsunami is a healthy response. So this is how a healthy, mature man deals with trauma and loss. He is a bigger man by far, by oceans , than the ex.

The thing about trauma and loss is that there's no way around it, you have to go through it. So you're going through it together, which shows the tremendous bond you have. He trusted you to express it to you. That is no small thing in a 20yo man and shows what a healthy bond you have together. It is perfectly healthy for him to be feeling immense anger at what his SD has done, and great sorrow for the siblings he has lost. Bless him. Really, he is a wonderful son and man.

(btw I doubt his fantasies of what he wants to do to his SD are not as bad as the fantasies I had about my ex, I can assure you of that! Fantasising about what I wanted to do to him got me off to sleep at night...)

Ps do u have a shed or a garage.....in my opinion your h should store his stuff there, and consider himself bloody lucky. Honestly whatnext, I'm angry on your behalf. This man is behaving so arrogantly!!! Grrrrrrrr.

How DARE he assume he can waltz in and do what he likes? Leave his stuff where he likes? HOW DARE HE [rage]

If his stuff is in the garage in bags then he technically has his stuff on the premises.

My DS went to our GP weeks ago, on my recommendation and was offered counselling but he said he was okay.

I said to him that he has to talk to me and/or my DBs as he is so close to them and has to keep talking. I know it's good it came out but it's so heart-breaking hearing him go over years of memories that he has with my H. He feels abandoned, even at 20.

He also wanted me to tell him about the robbery I went through went I was pregnant with him - I nearly lost my DS and was in hospital for a while after. His bloody Dad had told him the details 6 months ago - even though we agreed there was never a need to tell our DS. It was a violent and terrifying experience by 5 men in our own home. There was no need to tell my DS. I am angry that his Dad told him and can't believe he has carried the knowledge round for all these months without asking me. I was honest with him last night but focussed more on how I survived that, and how he was strong because he survived too.

This is never ending, my selfish H has caused so much pain for his own happiness and he doesn't even know.

My DS is amazing, I keep telling him that. We do have a good relationship and he said through his tears that he will never, ever treat a woman like my H has done. My poor DS, he is hurting so much and has a lot of anger, it's the anger I'm worried about as his life is just starting and I don't want him to jeopardise that in a moment of madness.

Couldn't keep it in eh. A salacious bit of goss he couldn't keep to himself. Selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish

I really wouldn't be too worried about your DS's anger manifesting in a real event. As I said in my last post, my fantasies were lurid and detailed - and I genuinely thought I could do all of them. Your boy is a sensible, kind man; he knows the consequences (as I did) of actually carrying his fantasies out.

It must be so hard to hear him so sad and angry. Even at 20 he is still your baby. 20 is a strange age because yes, you are mostly adult but he still needs you to hold his hand and mop his tears. Blimey, I still need that from my mum and I'm 36.

It's good that he's close to your brothers too. It sounds like he is able to express himself and open up, so important. It's not on that his dad told him about something you'd agreed him not to know. Again, he is being exposed to the darker side of humanity at such a young age. However, the way you explain it...you two being survivors is really key here. You are survivors...you two have been through worse than this and have each other to love.

I know I've said it before but he is lucky to have such a caring, lovely mum. In all your pain and hurt you're still focussing on him and his needs. You and him are a strong little unit x

Not sure if I made it clear reading it back. My H is my DS's stepdad, it was my DS's actual Dad that told him about the robbery, he was there at the time too.

Yes spring, I agree it was very selfish of him to tell my DS.

Thank you mamma x