Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Morning WHAT, It is strange that you have to consider what you say and do with him now, I found that quite sad that the person I would have never believed wouldn't be truthful with me was now to be considered an enemy and I could not trust anything he said or did.

Glad that you had some sleep and brilliant about the massage

You are doing well what, and I dare to say it, the very worst of it is in the past now. Now the practical issues will occupy your mind, and preparing for New York, seeing friends, meeting MNers, arranging massages, trips away etc. - and maybe even Christmas, will keep you busy.

Your son sounds so great, I had tears welling up here too! You have a good friend there, a kind young man who is a credit to you.

As for sleep, I think it is absolutely vital, along with eating something good each day, even if a little. I take sleeping tablets when I need to, sometimes I will have to take one every night for 3-4-5 nights - other times I sleep ok for long periods without one. [Hormone/thyroid issues] I am not addicted to them, the GP would not let that happen. By being sensible I restrict mine to 42 per year [and I have real insomnia problems].
So try not to worry when you need to take one when you need one whilst you have a lot to deal with, even if it takes a while. Without sleep we don't function well, things get out of proportion, we get more emotional and lack the motivation and energy to do what we have to do practically to gain control of the situation. You sound so much better after a nights sleep.

You are however, winning. And it's good advice to say little, and not be drawn to explain. You are now independent and can do what you want, anything concerning house/contents/divorce goes through the solicitor now - after all what did he expect? Do not get drawn into any rows or argument, don't give him any ammunition. Your solicitor sounds great, along with your son, your DB and SIL, you have a good team there! When your H comes at the weekend imagine them all standing behind you, because in spirit, they will be!

Thank you bluebird, your post has helped me this morning.

I especially like the idea of imagining a whole team of support behind me, I will practice that.

cjel - I agree, for years he was the only person I could truly trust without judging me and now I have to be so careful with him, it's all so alien to me.

Hello Darling. Well done you (not patronising) for seeing a solicitor. I echo the wonderful people on the thread in saying that 'taking control' of a situation not of your making is a very positive albeit hard thing to do.

I also don't want to 'push' sleeping pills at you, but like you - as I've referenced way up thread - I was very wary but in my case certainly not addicted....used them for 3 months - a GOD send - and then things returned to normal. Obviously take advice but both doctor and solicitor said to me that sleep is the critical factor when you are 'under siege'. Everything is, if not better, more manageable after rest and without sounding overdramatic please don't allow your 'd'H to take your health away from you. Your DS sounds delightful What. In no small way down to you I imagine. A good feel good and understanding issues film to watch (as you reference movie clips) is Under The Tuscan Sun. There are some lines in there that really articulate the pain of divorce from both protagonist and her friend who is in a same sex partnership that breaks up. Its my go to film for a boost -- watched it other night again on Netflix when had a moment of holy fuck what happened to my life. On the subject of quotes, I have posted this on other threads but not here but one of my favourites is a Hemingway one which is "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." Don't be ashamed your heart is broken, don't be ashamed you still love your H. But know that you will have a bigger, stronger heart in time; your character jumps out of your posts and you will not be broken for ever.

much love Dolly xx

Hi... Just a quickie.. You sound good today... I would say 'yes' to not emailing. Ask yourself 'do i need to answer this question?' . I wouldn't bother. And my Dc's father was a huge ' one syllable ' guy which us why we are not still
Together . It was a yes / no or mostly just a 'right'. Practice saying 'right' to yourself. It means bugger all. Used to drive me mad. And buys you time if you think you are in a difficult conversation. I wish I felt as good as you do.

Hi... Just a quickie.. You sound good today... I would say 'yes' to not emailing. Ask yourself 'do i need to answer this question?' . I wouldn't bother. And my Dc's father was a huge ' one syllable ' guy which us why we are not still
Together . It was a yes / no or mostly just a 'right'. Practice saying 'right' to yourself. It means bugger all. Used to drive me mad. And buys you time if you think you are in a difficult conversation. I wish I felt as good as you do.

Bloody signal issues... Sorry for double post

I look stunning on my fb pic.

I am not. It took me bloody ages to find a unnaturally flattering picture, and I haven't updated it for three years.

Bloody signal issues... Sorry for double post

My ex's nonsense word was 'indeed'. Hated him for using that completely non-commital word continually.

So use 'indeed' and 'right' (if you must!) but do practise saying nothing at all, not reacting at all in any way. It takes some getting used to but in this situation the drawbridge has to be firmly UP on every count. ime (and I'm sticking my neck out to say this - don't flame me anyone) you can present a completely different personnae to men - and they believe it! It's extraordinary how easy and effective it is. So act your socks off my darling. He will swallow it wholesale.

He can fuck right off with insisting you put in an email why you should be there when he comes over!! Who the FUCK does he think he is???!!!

How DEARLY I would like someone to bully him the way he is bullying you

don't answer! The is no earthly reason why you should lay out your reasons to bully-boy. No need to answer at all.

(Sorry for outburst but what a SHIT to treat you like that )

I do hope the worst is behind you but please don't be alarmed if you touch on the worst now and again. ime recovery doesnt go in a straight line - you can have a bad day/moment - but don't despair, they pass quicker each time.

Your boy is heavenly isn't he? A great deal to do with you. I'm so proud of you. I know I have no right to be - and I sincerely hope you don't feel patronised by my saying so. I just am

(that said - my first c-section was out of this world painful, to the point that I nearly lost my mind with the pain. But when that acute pain passed, I had no more pain at all. The nurses thought I was being brave but I wasnt, I just didn't have any pain after the first day. It may be that your pain has been front-loaded and you wont see it again that acutely. I sincerely hope so.)

Why are you going to be in the house when he comes round

Easy answer : because its your home and you have made no plans to be anywhere else. You could offer, if he gives you a list, to bag up what he wants - then he doesnt need to go in at all does he?

What, there are many many many of us. We will be sitting on your shoulders, holding your hand, holding you up, sending you strength. We are there in spirit with you, sending you strength.

Hi OP,

Just wanted to chip in and say how dignified and lovely you sound in all of this, as does your son. Also, it's very good to hear that, despite you feeling really low and being unable to sleep, you are doing what you can for yourself - massage, haircut, new clothes, healthy food. It's so impressive that you have the strength to act as if you feel OK, when you feel the opposite. I read your thread at the start and you already sound like a different woman, so much stronger, so much more positive, so lovely.

Don't let anyone, not even a kindly solicitor, push you into a decision re divorce. Take your time. If you have four months to decide, take 4 months. If you haven't decided by then, well you have plenty of other options.

Love all the suggestions of using one word answers. They help you keep control of the situation and of your feelings.

Just a suggestion: be nice on Saturday. Strong and distant if you need to be, but really nice. It will fell him. He's looking for any excuse to find fault with you and justify his shitty behaviour. If he can't find any, it will be very difficult for him. If you are graceful and polite he won't get a chance to be hostile and he'll have to behave in a more human way.

Such amazing support, I am so, so grateful.

My H's word that he started using when he went crazy was 'fine', even in texts, 'fine', drove me mad. I might adopt one of my own, thanks for suggestions.

Do you know what I did today? I smiled, my God, I smiled properly for the first time in months - and I didn't cry either.

I booked myself a massage today to hopefully help me relax and sleep, the lady asked me why I booked a massage and I simply said, my H has left me, she was so lovely to me. The last time I had a massage was with my H in July as a couples massage, this image came into my head and I put it straight out and concentrated on my breathing and relaxing.

I then went and bought myself a huge bunch of flowers from M&S, took me 20 minutes to arrange them all at home and I picked up my family photos that I had got transferred into b&w so I could make a lovely display of them in my new frames and surround myself with people who love me.

I was in town for about 4 hours and I decided before I went that I would spend the time looking for the kindness in people and there was plenty of that, firstly in the spa and then in some shops I went into, I took the time to chat to staff while I was buying things and I was amazed at how even my little chat made them smile. I don't think I've noticed that before but it was my way of not panicking in town as I have been.

I won't lie, there were a few times when my heart pounded and my breathing got shallow but I got through it.

This is the first good day that I have had in months. almost 4 weeks ago, I wouldn't have seen this day would I? Or I wouldn't be sitting here listening to my DS laughing in his room with his mate as they get ready to go into town in their costumes. I don't know whether this is a one off and maybe because I have a little control back. I don't know whether it will hit me tomorrow night and set me back on Saturday but for now I can say I have smiled.

As to why you are there when he comes. Um, you live there. So you choose, without answering to anyone who doesn't live there, when you will be in your own home. Surely, that goes without saying. (So no need to send and email and explain it. )

racingheart - that is great advice, be nice. I will, I need to maintain my dignity and get a little satisfaction in confusing him.

Thank you for reading my story and for commenting. I need to remember that as well as the lovely MNers that have offered so much support, there are also those who have read my thread and who also support me, thank you

Whatnext074 - I am reading & supporting you all the way. I am not offering advice as I have not been in your situation. I will follow your thread though as I can see how much stronger you are getting day by day.

Your DS sounds amazing by the way.

Sounds like you had a perfect day I don't know about you but I really felt that severe hurt at the beginning and like Springy said it doesn't mean you have to go down so far again, not saying things won't get to you and have you in floods again but somehow, like you did today at the spa you choose not to stay there. sometimes it seems like a physical struggle but sometimes it 'just happens' I will be at art class with my dgd on Saturday until 3.30 but will be' with you' as wellxxx

Sometimes when I log back on here I forget what your early posts were like, you sound as if you are getting 'you' back

Can't keep a good woman down!

What next? Onwards and upwards I predict.
You are so worth it.

Wow a massage and flowers and stopping to notice the kindness in people.. What a good day you had, glad you got through the panicky moments and let the sunshine in, even if its just a chink ( reading your posts is steering me in the direction of a/d's coz you sound SOOO much better than you did on black Saturday) . I'm not saying they are doing the work for you. No I can see you climbing your way out of that deep dark pit of hurt and bloody well done! Flowers and a fringe... Hopefully on Saturday he will get a shock. Personally I hate this ' chin up' and 'dignified' approach but really it's the right way. He won't care if you're crying, it will only give him ammo if you're angry and ranting ... So calm and serene... Right, indeed, fine....

Thank you for your kind support once again, it really does help me.

I just had a wobble, was dying my hair and felt so sad as my H always used to do it for me, he knew it made me feel better about myself. Made me sad but didn't cry this time.

R&B - I don't know if it is the ADs that are helping. My GP said they would take the edge off but I would still have to go through the pain process. I don't think they are a placebo and probably would have had a lot more severe and dangerous dark days by now so I am glad I am on them. I talked it through with some friends before I took them, even one whose DH had passed away last year and she said she has no idea how she would have learnt to cope without some medical help.

My H doesn't (outwardly anyway) care if I'm crying, or shouting, or anything so I will try and just be me and be kind but indifferent. When he saw me 5 weeks ago having a panic attack, he just sat there and watched me. I am so nervous about seeing him and seeing him take his stuff but it has to be done.

Hang in there, you are doing well - it will be OK.

Have been lurking here for a while and silently cheering you on. So pleased you had a good day. Have been there and know how awful it is.

When I was really down when my ex left me, I used to sit outside in the mornings and make a mental list of all the good things in my life, like my family and my children, our health, my dogs etc, that I had should be grateful for. This helped me keep calm and find the strength to keep going. Five years on I have a new partner and we are all really happy, but I still do that list first thing in the morning and last thing at night. At first I could only think of a few things but the list has grown and yours will too

And when you see him, if you can act as if you dont care, then do, you may not feel it now, but if you can fake it until you make it, someday soon you really wont care a toss what happens to him.

Fake it while he is there. I found it was ok when he was there and I felt better when he'd gone as it reminded me how different I was becoming. It was quite liberating and also I did think my life was (happily) moving on. Didn't stop me having butterflies and remembering how much I loved him and wanted a cuddle, but somehow the man in front of me was different yet the same from the one in my memory.

what There are going to be so many people [in spirit] in your home on Saturday! Tens of us, your friends and your family, all standing behind you and wishing you well, and you will hopefully remember the coping mechanisms those of us who know what it feels like to be betrayed have had to call upon.
Snap that band on your wrist, as you say 'Ok, right, fine, indeed, of course, really?' Put some post it notes in random places and if you get shaky and you notice one boost yourself with a good memory.....remember all the many posts on here, remember something friends and family have said to support you,, remember your son with his handful of cottonbuds [that cracks me up!], and his texts. Remember the meal with your DB and SIL, remember seeing the kindness in people today and look at the flowers and how you were feeling a little better when you bought them........

[It sounds mad but I hate dental work, and when it's going on I'm mentally having long conversations with my Granma who passed away years ago, because I like to think she is there as she was when I was a child having teeth out. She 'talks' me through it, and then it's over....]

Whatever gets us through. So glad you had a better day today, sleep well.