Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

I also stopped sleeping - entirely - after my marriage ended. I had small kids, one a baby, and it was a hellish time.

The result was that my GP upped my ADs to the full dose in short steps (thank you God for that GP!). That brought the blessed sleep quite quickly. It could be that you need to up your dose of ADs. They override the non-stop adrenalin pumping around your body (which switches off feelgood brain chemicals eg serotonin, dopamine etc because the adrenalin puts you in a perpetual cycle of fight or flight where feelgood chemicals are counterproductive to the adrenalin's impulse to fight or flight) and get the good chemicals firing again. When you are caught in a cycle of constant thinking, constant fear and worrying, you need these wonders of modern medicine to bring a much-needed and essential balance. Keep in close contact with your GP, let him/her know what is going on with you.

You are taking back control, you're already doing it. he has messed with your mind (and heart ) yet you are still carving out your boundaries regardless. Well done

Hope it goes well with the solicitor today xx

Well done on sticking to the time. Also if he doesn't want to be in the house long then help him by chucking as much as you can in bin bags, all nicely crumpled. He should damn well feel uncomfortable, useless shit that he is.

My XH also told people that "it hadnt been right for a long time". It's a shame he didn't bother telling me isn't it? Whilst he was falling asleep every night with his arms round me and making love to me I had no idea that there was anything wrong.....

Do not feel ashamed for loving him. You can't just switch your feelings off, but they will go over time. If you truly love somebody then it can't just disappear overnight. I told my XH that while he was texting OW all the time it was obvious that his feelings for me were replaced by feelings for her but if course he didn't agree.

Don't feel ashamed for wanting him to hurt. I finally got an apology from my XH six months after he left, that he was ashamed if what he did, that it was wrong and that he has to live it every day. I told him that I hope that somebody breaks his heart one day and then he will really know what he has done to me.

You need the affirmations that you are better than him, you are honest, loyal, decent, trustworthy. You have morals. You are many things that he isn't.

My XH's life has slowly fallen apart in the past 18 months and it serves him right.

Slowly but surely you will rise from this and have a good life without him.

Hope you're ok whatnext. Hope you feel positive after the solicitors today.

Another day forward.....well done

X

Evening WHAT, He also may be saying he could only come for 15mins because he feels as bad about facing reality as you do. You did so well to stick to your guns and not let him dictate when you have to be around.

How do you feel now you've seen solicitor?x

Thank you for your kind messages.

I feel a bit strange tonight, like reality has hit me in the face today. The solicitor was very, very good. It was an initial free 30 minutes but she spoke with me for an hour. She discussed all different options but said in her opinion, I should file under adultery as we will be getting divorced at some point so why put myself through this in 2 years or 5 years time.

She said she really cares about her clients and was totally honest with me about every aspect of divorce. She said that he cannot just stop contributing for bills and if he's had advice from a solicitor about that then it's wrong - or he's not telling the truth. Why should he tell the truth to me anyway, he hasn't since July!

I have lots to think about and will contact her next week. I only have a 4 month window left now to divorce him under adultery. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Part of me thinks I'm in no state to make that decision yet and part of me thinks that if I wait 2-5 years then it will p*ss my H and OW off that I am still his wife - but I know I need to do what's best for me, I'm just not sure what that is yet.

She suggested she send a letter to him laying out officially that he only come to the house when I agree it and also about what he pays in the interim. I am in 2 minds about whether to tell him on Saturday whether I have seen a solicitor and that he will be getting a letter - only because I asked him not to surprise me with anything legal and warn me if his solicitor was going to send me letters and he said he would so I suppose I'm just wondering whether I should do the same. But then I think, he has lied and defiled our marriage and continues to do so and therefore I owe him nothing. I don't know what to do.

I wish I could see into the future.

Can you arrange to go and see a friend at 3 pm on Saturday so that you have something to aim for. He will be cold and cockiy because he has to - he has to justify to himself that what he has done is right, ignore all the crap he says about your marriage to friends - no one will believe him they are just being polite.

If I lived near you I would love to meet up and share a bottle of wine you sound like a lovely strong woman . I'm near London so let me know next time you are down here and we could solve all the world's problems !!!

That sounds a it more positive, at least he can't do what he may threaten. FWIW I stopped divorce because the solicitor needed £500 so I told him if he wanted one he could pay over 2 years later we have nothing done!!
I would also agree to sending a letter. Mine started 'After long consideration it is with regret that CJEL has sadly decide that the marriage is no longer viable etc....

Remember high days and low days.. And how amazing are you? in such a short few weeks ....

Just checking into your thread (been a few days) and wanted to say how brilliantly you're doing. You may not think so but, my goodness, what progress you have made. Your husband has made the biggest mistake of his life by not seeing what all of the posters (and lurkers) on this thread can see as clear as day - that you are bloody amazing!!
Can I join your cheer leading throng? Sure I've got some HSM pompoms in the loft somewhere .....

I divorced ASAP as I didn't want it hanging over me or to put myself through all the bad stuff again in two or five years. XH said that he didn't see the point in divorce unless one of us met someone else. I t

I divorced ASAP as I didn't want it hanging over me or to put myself through all the bad stuff again in two or five years. XH said that he didn't see the point in divorce unless one of us met someone else. I told him it wasn't his decision to make and that I wasn't going to remain married to him any longer than I had to. (Even though it was the lady thing I wanted to do, I had to do it).

I think you can start the divorce withon the time frame, and then put it on hold, if you want to. Check that, obviously, but if that's right, then that leaves your options open.

itwillgetbettersoon - that is so kind of you! Would be good to share a bottle of wine.

I think a letter is a good idea, so far I have shown no sense of control outwardly to him and I need some sort of official, organised agreement to help with my healing. I don't know whether I should tell him that I will be sending a solicitor letter.

mrscraig - that is such a nice thing to say. Thank you so much.

I find the thought of divorce, especially me initiating it, very, very sad. I have such strong views on marriage and still struggle to understand why he has done this to us. My GP said it's the most painful thing in a marriage to experience adultery and having had an abusive relationship from my DS's father, this actually hurts much more. I was so strong and determined after ending that relationship but this was so unexpected.

My DS text me tonight and said he is proud of me and has noticed a difference in me since last week. I know I can't let him down, he's so worried.

Your DS is lovely, really is a credit to youx

From experience, I would personally advise you avoid any nastiness. The simple reason being that it is very likely he can, and will, be nastier than you ever could be - its hardly in your nature is it (whereas it seems to be in his). So maybe yes, you could state that you have consulted lawyers and he should be receiving a letter. I wouldn't make it a convo, just state it, make a statement - not nice/not nasty; and don't enter into any discussion. Practice in the mirror? lol.

It'll quieten him down considerably that he is being watched (by the law). So far he seems to think he can do what he likes. I'm very much looking forward to the reality that he can't.

YAY to the law, I say . She sounds fabulous, so delighted you've found a good lawyer.

Well done for facing and getting through that hurdle today

Thank you both.

I think you're right spring, it's probably best just to mention it and as I haven't fully decided yet what the content will be, I wouldn't be lying if he asks what the content will be. I don't play games and I don't want him to be even nastier so I think I will say something.

The solicitor said she can be as firm or soft as I like and she will send it to me first for approval. Yes, I think I am convinced now.

I spent a lot of time in the family courts, one way and another ( ), and I learnt to make statements when I was being questioned by a barrister; because the longer you speak, the more a barrister can twist your words (and a BRILLIANT skill to learn when I was dealing with my revolting ex). So I learnt to say no when I meant no and not add anything on and yes when I meant yes, ditto; saying the fewest words possible. It's a handy skill to learn, learning to pare down to the absolute minimum what you have to say. I have to say it also came in into effect big time when I had teenagers!

If he asks what the content will be, don't answer. I mean literally don't say one word. He can wait like anybody else.

Morning!!!

Well...that sounds a positive appointment! I'm SOglad she was kind and lovely...think it's a bonus she's female too. Another person on your side. I think your right about not making drastic decisions right away...you can live with it and mull it over. You will feel differently in a month and Digferent again in 2 months. That was an interesting point made above, about possibly starting it within the 4 months and then postponing if you feel you want to.

The letter sounds great. He cannot just threaten you and get away with it. Great news he can't just stop paying bills. I expect he knows that anyway which is why he hasn't stopped yet! I think so far you've conducted yourself with dignity and have totally been 'the bigger person'. Think you're right to mention the letter...treat him in the way you want him to treat you. In my experience he would LOVE for you to be unreasonable and unfair. That would give him something to blame you for, moan to your mutual friends about and generally use as justification for his arsehole behaviour.

In 6 short weeks you have already turned a corner!!! I know you're hurting beyond belief but your ds is right...you're doing him proud and yourself proud. You're amazing. I'm also in the London area and would love to share a bottle of vino with you. Perhaps we can have a real life cheerleaders meet up. Wouldn't that be lovely- to sit and toast you and your future whatnext!

What do you have planned today? Did you sleep at all? Hope you're feeling slightly refreshed for being off work.

Have a good day
X

Ps- I agree your son sounds just lovely. DEFINATELY a credit to you. He sounds so kind and thoughtful. (Pom Pom wave for whatnext's son....yay!!)

spring - good advice to say as little as possible, this is all getting quite real now and he is asking for me to put things in an email, such as my reasons for wanting to be in the house when he comes. I've been very careful with what goes into the email.

mamma - I have always had in my mind through any situation that I should maintain my dignity, it's been hard at times but then I come on here for advice and any rash thoughts I have do go.

Would be lovely to meet up for a glass of wine, you've been so supportive.

I booked myself a massage today, my shoulders are so tense and I thought it would help with sleeping.

I did take a tablet last night as couldn't bear to be up all night again and I slept for 7 hours, straight through, with strange dreams but I slept none the less.

My DS sends me texts throughout the day with quotes from tv / film, just to make me smile. He has a lovely sense of humour and even text me last night to say he loves me, something he never really says to me as a 20 year old man. He is amazing x

You don't have to give STBEx reasons why you want to be in the house when he comes ! 'Because I want to' is reason enough. Or just ignore the email. Any other answer will lead to him trying to argue why you're wrong, and then you'll either have to mount a counter-argument, or re-affirm ' because I want to'. He's very used to getting his own way, your STBEx, isn't he?!

Whatnext your son sounds amazing - your last post brought tears to my eyes. What a fabulous job you have done in bringing up such a caring young man. Credit to you and you should be so proud.

Yes, he really is a credit to you and being so loving and supportive in your hour of need.

Glad you slept. I know you probably don't like to take the tablets but I think a few times a week won't hurt short term. The benefits outweigh the negatives in my opinion.

Yes, savvy of you to be careful what you put in writing.
You are doing so well! Hope you're proud of yourself. You have been silently growing stronger from that terrible Saturday night. You will be ok you know xx

Oh....and good shout on the massage!! :) enjoy. So pleased you're being kind to yourself :)