Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

mimi - thank you for that. I have resigned myself to the fact that it doesn't matter what she looks like as he has chosen to be with her rather than me anyway, the fact that she looks stunning in the photographs just makes it a little harder for me and makes me feel a bit more humiliated by it all.

mummsy - as it's his house too, I can't legally get the locks changed as he does have right of access. I just hope he sticks to the verbal agreement. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow to see where I stand financially. He doesn't want anything in the house anyway and said I can have it all but that's because he wants nothing to do with our past and he can buy whatever he wants anyway.

mummys - you're right, that's what I thought. If he thought for a moment that I had someone else then it would take any guilt away from himself so I won't play any games. Yes, it's Saturday he's coming.

mamma - thank you for asking. I took a sleeping tablet (don't do it that often) but 4 nights with no sleep had taken their toll. I slept for 7 hours so that was good.

Have paperwork etc to sort out today for my solicitor appointment tomorrow and some painting in the house to do.

Whatnext - you are doing so well. Just keep taking each day as it comes, don't think too much into the future or dwell on the past - it just uses too much energy. My STBXH left me for a much young ow and moved in with her as soon as the affair came to light. It amazed me how he could just move in with someone so quickly and in a way he has wiped us out of his life. He still sees his children weekly but that is it after 20 years of marriage. It does hurt but makes sense - how can he move on without erasing the past and not feeling guilty about what he has done.

I, 18 mths later, just keep busy. Work is my saviour. I don't have any support from family - no one ever says to me well done. The ILs tolerate me to see the grand children and it is the case that blood is thicker than water.

I do a lot of planning of nice things. Days out, short breaks away etc. I've not met a single man yet - don't come across any in my life but I am starting to think about some OD but I'm perhaps not strong enough yet as the dating scene has changed since I was last in it. I do worry about the financial future but tend to bury my head in the sand. Not ideal but my coping mechanism at the moment.

Have a nice day .

Darling What

Me again and whilst it might not feel it you are doing so well my love. I'm so pleased you are seeing solicitor to get a clearer picture. Not nice, but very important.

If you do decide you are going to be in your home when he comes, might I suggest wearing an elastic band on your wrist. Ping it every time you feel like screaming or saying something. Its distraction therapy if nothing else.

Re 'getting over it/moving on'. I think I've said it before but piffle. Seriously. If other people have marriages that they can walk away from, reinvent themselves and come out stronger in SIX weeks then they must have not felt very much. I so hope and feel you WILL get this happy ending but sure as shit it isn't going to happen in that time frame. You believed in your marriage and just as sure as it looks like it has ended, just as sure that whilst you WILL bounce back, its not going to be in a trifling amount of time. But each day you do even if you don't see it move towards that. Its hugely understandable that you feel as you feel right now. You are in the eye of the storm, even if others have moved on. Fuck. I am divorced 2 years, separated 3 years and even though its my reality, today I had a moment of falling down the elevator shaft thinking, my god am I really a single parent to one child in a country not of my own that I don't want to live in. I'm in a space where I just paused rather than crumpled but you are in the very early days.

I also wanted to say and not hijacking - that before we split and post my lovely DS, I had drama ectopic emergency room surgery and a medical termination and additional miscarriage. I now see that I didn't really deal with those as marriage ended and that eclipsed but perhaps if you are able to accesss subsidised counselling you might be able to address (unlike me--).

As other wise women have said. small steps WELL. might you be near a time when you can plan for a treat for yourself that you might not have otherwise been able to do? I SO want you to know that your life isn't over. I think you are younger than me (I'm 43) and I am here to tell you that it is NOT. I'm not in a Julia Roberts movie nor am I (currently) in a relationship, nor is my life candyfloss and roses. BUT. 3 years ago I could not have imagined that since my DH left and I thought my life were over I would take my son to a Rodeo, have the best ever sex of my life, meet a famous artist, learn how to bog and fill a wall, feel briefly omnipotent through mastery of power tools (not a euphemism) and feel snatches of absolute happiness. Its not a fairy tale ending and I still mourn the loss of what I wanted and what I believed was how my life would be. I'm still very scared financially and otherwise as to what my life might hold. But I'm back in the game, for good or bad.

And frankly at 6 weeks you would have wiped the floor with me darling. Springy could tell you. I was a shell of a shell of a remembrance of the woman I was. I could not eat, sleep, function, be a good parent (that bit shames me). So you all things considered are fucking awesome. Remember that.

Dolly xxx

Dolly...your post gave me a lump in my throat. I identify with so much of what you wrote.

Whatnext- it is such early days, at times you are so hard on yourself and you must be kinder to yourself. Glad you got some sleep, even if with the aid of a tablet. Your body needs rest.

You spoke about getting drawn into playing games (toothbrush and extra towel etc) my advice is not to play games. Hold your head up high and keep your dignity. When all this is over you will take great strength and pride that you were the bigger person. He'll have to live with his actions for the rest of his life. You will be at leave with yourself knowing you have conducted yourself fairly and honestly.

Sending u a hug and hoping your day is ok
X
Ps- know I'm a nag but please eat little and often. Even if you have to force yourself.

• at peace with yourself

Dolly - you are amazing, your advice really helps me.

I actually always have a hairband on my wrist when I go out and didn't realise how much I pulled and twisted it until my counsellor (weeks ago) told me to still wear it when I see my H. I also fiddled so much with my wedding ring and I took them off 2 days ago and my DS said it was the first thing he noticed when he got up. He said I always fiddled with my wedding ring - it's so strange not to have it there though.

I find it hard to believe that you were not strong at some point as you come across as so strong with such wise words.

After speaking to some women who have been through this, I am amazed at how many of them had miscarriages before their H left! There just seems to be a pattern, a trigger to some men not coping with the trauma and then turning into complete, cruel strangers.

itwillgetbettersoon - My H has left me for an older woman, she's 41, I'm 39. The only thing I can hope it that she reaches the menopause sooner than me and then see how he copes with that!

I'm sorry, it must be hard still seeing the ILs. The only one I will see is his DB who has been very supportive of me and DS and my SIL has banned him from the house and never wants to see him again. My H is the one who has lost out as I have a big family and he was part of that and they loved and cared for each other and now they want to grab him by the throat never see him again.

I know I need to plan some things for me and I have told my DS that once this is all sorted, I will start to save up to take him to New York, is something we've always wanted to do.

Thank you for your kind words x

mamma, you have convinced me now and I won't play any games. I will maintain my dignity.

I am going to have some yoghurt now.

Love your predictive texting, makes me smile x

Whatnext....the predictive text will get me on trouble one of these days!!! Haha.

You're doing great whatnext...was just thinking about you and the cheerleading team you've got behind you (think dolly should be head cheerleader- bloody awesome posts). When you're through this dark time (and you will be), you'll look back and not know where you got the strength from. Take comfort on knowing that others have felt as you do now and not just survived but have grown from it. You have a great future waiting for you whatnext...it's all about healing and taking care of yourself at the moment.

Could you buy yourself a lovely new ring (doesn't have to be pricey) and wear that to fiddle with?? Treat yourself to something pretty :)

X

And yes yes yes to NYC!! Whoop!! X

New York - go girl!!! That sounds fab ...... Start planning get some books from the library google etc I'm excited for you! Fab hotels, shows, food oh wow you will have such a great time with your son. Xx

WHAT. I promise you I am not blowing smoke up your ass. I was broken, bereft and lost. But, as I see with you, I had the resources to gradually climb out. And it didn't happen at six weeks. I am not wise. I am just that horrible evidence of time that people say 'in time' to you right now that you want to rage against and say (if you were like me ) "fuck your time, this is me done I will never be the same"....and you know part of it IS right. You will never be the same. But you are done.

And whilst its not a place you will welcome, this type of SHIT may, albeit against your (our) make your character stronger. I was talking about this with a friend (under 40) who is currently beating breast cancer. I was telling her about a book I read about a BC survivor and in it she talks of writing an email to people to feel less alone and he hears back from a cousin who had gone to ground as she had lost a young child. I'm not equating divorce with such a loss but in the book she writes about getting a reply from someone that had previously avoided her emails

"But there's her name, right there. In a couple of unpunctuated lines, she says I am one of them, "the people who are aware of OTHER." she says Tony her husband, thinks of it as a subculture....

We - YOU - are right now in the OTHER place and those who have been there and are there are cheering you on my love xx

critical type - you are NOT done....

New York! I went a few years ago - first time - and absolutely LOVED it. I went with my daughter and it was entirely for her benefit, I wasn't particularly looking forward to it. Boy, was I surprised. I'd love to live there.

The point about the 'games' is that you could do it if you want to. You can do what you like, it doesn't have to be what he wants, or would respond to iyswim. He's not your dad.

Interesting that 'your' OW, dolly, is fake up to her eyeballs. I read today (stuck on a bus stop in the countryside for 2 hours... reading everything I could dig out of the bottom of my bag) that it's what is on the inside that is the most important. It sounds cheesey but it really isn't. That's not to downplay the pain of a 'beautiful' (on the outside) woman taking what is yours: I was more than a little satisfied that my replacement has a giant big arse.

Another night without sleep, I am so tired. Have tried everything to help me sleep before I go to bed (don't want to take another tablet and become reliant).

I had email exchange with H tonight. He said he'd be here early on Saturday morning and be here for 15 minutes as he had to go to his parents before the afternoon(?!), and I should care because....?

He said he doesn't want to be in the house for longer than 15 minutes because "quite frankly, I'd feel uncomfortable with the 2 of you there" - me and my DS.

It was probably wrong of me but I said he can come at 1pm. He continually sent emails saying I keep changing my mind and restricting access to his house and that he'd be here that morning as he had plans. I just kept repeating that I was here from 1pm and if that was no good, I could bag his things up and drop them somewhere. I got fed up of him saying that he will come that morning so I told him I was getting the train from London and on Saturday and my train gets in at 12:44. I didn't tell him why I was in London - which I'm not. I just got fed up of him even when I give him a date to come, he has to dictate a time to me.

Now he has agreed to come at 1pm.

I know I'm rambling, I am so tired and just need some sleep, I can't carry on like this. I did have some dinner tonight (and vegetables) so I thought that would help but my body is just exhausted.

I'm seeing a solicitor in a few hours, spent the evening getting all my paperwork together and doing spreadsheets of income/outgoings.

I am beginning to think he will always have some control over me - I can't help it, my marriage meant so much to me, I know he has defiled the meaning of it but I am ashamed that I still love him. I feel ashamed that I want him to hurt like I am.

hey... I have been following your story. Not posting because I couldn't add to the excellent advice and support you have had, however...

I am just out of a very controlling relationship of over 30 years. I promise that he will not always have some control over you. The power shifts. You will realise that the man you love no longer exists and you will reach a point where you really won't care about him or his dramas.

I wake up each day and smile because I can do whatever the hell I want and there isn't anybody to stop me! (within the law lol!). I do realise that it is very very hard for you right now and nobody can do anything really because this is a journey only you can make. But lots of us are here urging you on.

This might sound trite but I want you to be positive. Please think. Whenever you say 'I am...' never follow up with a negative, always a positive!

Thank you for posting, I have had excellent advice on here to get me through the dark times. I'm sorry you went through a controlling relationship but is good to hear that you are coming through it. I can't wait until I can smile again.

It's almost like I'm waiting for something to happen now. His emails say things like he has a sense of how I'm feeling / he doesn't want to make this harder than it is etc but then he's telling people that this was long overdue and a long time coming - he's a good actor then because he was still so loving to me before he went crazy. He has no right to say he has a sense of how I'm feeling.

I know he's probably waiting for the new year to start some kind of action, he's even stopped threatening cutting off the internet, phone etc. Maybe when I see the solicitor, I'll have a better idea of where I stand as I did a financial check tonight and I will be in debt if he passes those things to me. I'm just worried tonight I suppose and that doesn't help with not sleeping.

I'm also sad because I wonder if he's seeing our niece on Saturday who was born yesterday and I'm not a part of that now.

I will try and follow up my negatives with a positive, I used to be a positive person. I'm lucky I have somewhere to live, have my DS and family and friends and have support on here, which helps so much.

Yes! I do believe in 'count your blessings'. Maybe it is not such an 'old wives tale'.

I understand about how it is making it about him. But your life is your own. Make it about you! :)

Affirmations are very personal but (too much wine) :) mine are:
I am Happy
I am Healthy
I am Wealthy
I am Wise..
The more true they are the more potent. Focus on your own positives.

You will be ok... :)

Hi what. How did it go with the solicitor? Well done for not letting him dictate what time he is coming.
I know it's against the law to change the locks but you can't help it if your lock was broken and u just had to have it changed!
Keep ur chin up hunni xx

Morning love....

Sorry you didn't sleep well :( try to take a nap if you can today...let yourself doze on the sofa, do you think you'd drop off in front of the tv? Well done on eating a good dinner last night- it will help.

Well done on insisting on a time that you wanted. This will help you feel in control. The rug has been pulled from under you, he has altered your life and made you feel you have no control....by you insisting he comes at a time of your choosing you're clawing a bit back. Look how strong you are! I wouldn't be too hurt by the "I'd feel uncomfortable with the 2 of you there" comment. I'm sure what he means is "I'm going to feel totally ashamed at my treatment of you and I'm quite embarrassed and hope I don't get a hard time from you both". So he should feel bloody uncomfortable.

I think you ought to expect for him to be very cold and matter of fact on Saturday. Even if he wants to wrap his arms around you and ask if you're ok, he wouldn't allow himself to. It WILL be painful for him to see you and visit his house. He'll be detached and cold to get himself through it. I'm worried about you when he leaves. Is there anyone that can come and be with you, talk it through as soon as he goes?

Hope the solicitor app goes well and makes you feel positive about your finances etc. when you say you USED to be positive person, you still are. You just fel negative at the moment. Your positivity is in there somewhere and will reemerge slowly.

I survived my x leaving me with 2 very young children by counting my blessings on a daily basis. U would say them out loud. I remember one beautiful morning, standing at the back door and looking at the sun shining and saying out "I'm so lucky to be standing here with the sun ony face"....if been crying on the kitchen floor 10 minutes previously but trying to be positive about the small things in life made be still glad to be alive. Not sure if that makes sense?? Sorry for waffling.

Have a good morning- will be thinking of you x

It might have made sense without so many typos.....damn it ;)

I have to say thank you to myroom - I felt so dreadful this morning and it was making my head hurt, I very nearly ruined some of his clothes that he's left - probably through tiredness. I think I just needed to know someone was there a few hours ago and after your post, I managed to get 3 hours sleep.

mamma - you're right, he can't feel comfortable in coming here and wanted to avoid me at all costs. I fully expect him to be cold to me and this could be a coping mechanism for him. I need to remember that I am on my territory and even though he spent 2 months being nasty to me before he left, I bet his heart will be racing when he comes to the door.

I suppose by saying I was coming back from London, that allows me to be dressed in my new clothes and have some make up on rather than him think I'm doing it to impress him - which I'm not anyway, I'm doing it for my own mask.

I'm going out with a friend of mine that night which is why I suggested Saturday to him.

I need to stop thinking about him and trying to second guess how this is impacting him. I know I need to concentrate on me and what I can control. Is hard with the tiredness though.

Hopefully seeing a solicitor will help me get a little strength, it's only an initial consultation but I hope it helps.

Thank you all xx

Yes, the 'London' story is good. Don't advocate games but I think this particular story will allow you to feel bit better.

You sound much more positive this morning...great! Also, you're right about focussing on you rather than him/his feelings/intentions. However, it's a hard habit to move away from. The tiredness defo doesn't help. You're doing just fine whatnext. You should be so proud of yourself.

Glad you're going out Saturday night.

Hope today is ok for you.
Hugs x

Morning! I'm glad you managed to get some much needed sleep. It's so important and I find, in times of stress, near impossible to get. So, snatch some when you can. Lie down and be still and try to beathe calmly (even if you don't nod off). It all helps.

I'm with you myroom with the affirmations. Mine used to be the opposite of what my ex used to shout at me. He shouted in my face about all the things I wasnt for so long! I started to believe it. There's a lovely little scene in the film The Help where the lead character is teaching the little girl she looks after an affirmation. Something like "You is smart, you is clever, you is beautiful" (she's a Deep South Black Lady circa 1962) hence the accent. That scenes always has me in tears. It's SO important to have someone tell you how you ARE a good person and You WILL be Ok. Keep telling yourself Whatnext. It's true.

Seeing a solicitor is a big step and it took me a while but I found that getting "the thing started" with a professional who told me that NO, ex could NOT make me sell our home/take half of my furniture (which was bought by me, as a single woman) etc. I felt so much better, knowing I could continue to provide my son, who was 4 and just diagnosed with autism 4 weeks before ex left, with a safe and familiar home environment. I just happened to have a female solicitor (the only one where I lived who still offered Legal Aid). She was aghast at home abusive my relationship had been....I had just gotten used to it over the years and it was "normal" to me.

I think you're doing really well, under the circumstances Whatnext. for you today and many of us have been through this. It is going to be OK. You are going to be OK. In time.