Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Hi Whatnext - you do sound stronger and more resolved, and well done for going away at the weekend. You are taking the helm and progressing even if it doesn't feel like it. Any day will have good bits and bad bits, but the bad stuff will get sorted and bad days recede in time.

When your H comes to the house you may be surprised at how you feel when you see him again. You could feel indifferent and cool and dignified or you could feel very emotional and teary - be prepared for your feelings to surprise you and resolve beforehand to say as little as possible. Take it as a chance to observe, to watch, to listen to this person. He will probably say/do something telling.

I hope someone will be there with you as you will certainly need support and/or to get feedback afterwards. Your DS sounds a great young man, and you have a loving unit there with him.

I love the idea of rearranging the house so it is completely noticeable. With flowers, the lovely smell of coffee and warm toast in the air, it will be a memory for him of what he has stupidly thrown away, because you sound an authentic and loyal, loving person.

I hope you have a productive and restful week, where you get a lot done and feel better in some ways. I hope you pamper yourself a bit and treat yourself in some way each day x

bluebird - you are right. The best thing I can do is to say as little as possible, I will try not to give anything away as to how I'm coping.

When he came 5 weeks ago, I was an obvious wreck. I cried and I had a panic attack in front of him. He said he wouldn't see me again until I was "stronger". I have done that now and he just didn't care so I need to appear to be a different person that he doesn't recognise and can't second guess.

I don't want anybody else here as he will think I need back-up. I want to show that I am strong and indifferent to him coming here.

Thank you for saying those nice things about me, I am trying to maintain my dignity through all this x

Try to act like you're a behavioural scientist observing a specimen. Maybe, one noting the behaviour of chimpanzees?

He may find it more off-balancing if you have put all his personal stuff in bags and have them ready by the door, so he only needs to get any bigger stuff himself. If someone is there with you, then no matter how aggravating he finds whatever you've done, he can't do much about it.

I want to show that I am strong and indifferent to him coming here

But you're not, lovely. At the moment, anyway. The time will come when you are, but it's not now. It's like walking into a lion's den faking nonchalence. It's not going to work, is it? It's only been 6 weeks.

You weren't ready for the w/e away - or, at least, you weren't ready to be bright and breezy (the time will come when you are). I'm concerned that you're not anything like ready to see him. Nobody would be in a situ like this.

The time will come when you will be able to snub him, confuse him etc. Really, put his stuff out the door in bin bags. You don't need to be thinking what he thinks right now. Its what you think, and looking after yourself.

Sorry to be so strong about it though.

I can guarantee he won't be nervous. Have you considered that in all likelihood he'll stay longer than 30 minutes, you'll get into a discussion, he'll stick the knife in - a number of times, probably. Have you considered that he may also not be wearing his ring, that he may be wearing different clothes, that he may be so different (even glowing ). Spare yourself all this! He's already shown what he's capable of, please don't let him have access to you while you're still vulnerable.

spring - he wasn't wearing his ring when I saw him 5 weeks ago as when I told him to go, I told him to take it off as I said it was so disrespectful for him to be wearing it while sleeping with OW.

The clothes thing - he threw most of his clothes out when he was here and bought loads of new ones.

When I saw him 5 weeks ago, he looked dreadful, was crying, emotional but I saw him for 10 minutes a few days later and he looked great, very different but still very good looking. That was hard for me.

I am different now as well though, Have a different hairstyle, lost weight and will be wearing different clothes that I bought a few weeks ago. I have also taken my wedding ring off.

I know exactly what you're saying and inside I will definitely feel that way but I really don't want to show him that. I don't know how I will feel on the day - had panics last night over it and it's still a few days away. I just need to stay strong for 30 minutes and then I'm going out with a friend that evening.

He doesn't want to talk, he emailed me last week that we will talk in the new year. He just wants to get his stuff and go. He's so cold now.

I thikn that WHAT can fake it Spring, I know I did and even got irritated by him! You can be that strong woman who got on the train and went out for a good meal the other day, even if you break after he is gone you will realise now its not so hard to fake in front of himx I am wondering if you do need someone to be around at some point ? I've arranged people to be just leaving or better for you at the weekend someone arriving after he has been there a short while, for a coffee so you can end his visit?

OK, if you feel panic might be edging its way in, stop, take a deep breath in through you nose to a count of 3 and then breathe out through your mouth to a count of 5. Do that 3 times. It is easy to do discreetly, so no one knows, and it just looks like you are considering a response or something.

Do it before you open the door, before you answer any questions etc. it really does calm you down and get your brain out of freeze-mode.

In my experience the colder they are the needier you will be. It's like the lack of reaction Nd indifference makes you want to get a reaction.

I think the idea about being an observer, very quiet and watching is a good plan. Also the plan to have someone stringing for a coffee...looks as if you've made other plans for the day and him getting his stuff is just something else you're doing that day. For your own dignity don't let him know how crushed you are. It won't do any good and if anything will feed the cold attitude.

If you find yourself cracking and you can't fake it, walk out the door and leave him to it.

ok, I'm convinced. You go girl. We're here

Great idea to make some really positive changes in the house. Wouldn't hurt to have a few really interesting invites or tickets to something pinned up on the fridge.

If you want to be there when he's there, make sure you have at least two men with you. Brothers, mates etc. They can be there to 'help' him move heavy stuff. Basic psychology but he'll be intimidated if there are other men around and won't dare be rude or cold to you or try and have a heart to heart that messes with your head.

You sound like you're making brilliant progress.

You do sound like you're making great progress whatnext. You've come such a long way, even if you don't realise it yourself.

We're all right here, Pom poms waving- truly wanting the best got you.

Hope you got through the day ok and have been kind to yourself. Don't forget to eat! If the baileys worked, have some before bed tonight.

Sending a hug your way x

Ps- remember its a few days away til your h comes over anyway. Lets get back to basics...."one day at a time" the old mantra is just as important now as it was a few weeks ago
Xx

Good evening What,

Totally agree with the ' one day at a time ', even take it moment by moment...you are safest there away from past / future thinking...

I wanted to share a coping strategy I use for when things get a bit much...I imagine I have a window in my chest or head, and visualise opening it, so whatever it is ( unpleasant ) I allow to pass through me...offering no resistance.
Hope that makes sense.

My best to you x

I always make sure I make eye contact and smile and cheerily say Hiya how you doing - come in!! It feels good to be in control

Tough day today, really needed to go to supermarket and asked my DS (who stayed with me last night) to come with me, he said I needed to get used to going on my own. In the end he came with me and I did have a panic attack and remembered to breathe through it. I did cry a lot when I got home and my DS saw me crying, I felt so bad for him.

I didn't sleep last night, I wanted these 2 weeks to rejuvenate myself and get some sleep, I am so tired but lie there awake and it's horrible. I end up begging - to nobody - to let me get to sleep. The Baileys didn't work sadly.

I like the idea of the tickets etc and actually even thought of having the bed ruffled up and having an extra towel and toothbrush in the bathroom but then I'm not into playing games.....am still considering it though but that's a bit sad isn't it?

mamma and jacky - that is good advice and I will try and remember that. There's no point in tying myself in knots when it's days away, I need to be strong.

One of my SILs who lost one of the babies had a baby today and she text m a photo which I was very grateful for, I actually thought that my H would contact me to say she'd been born but nothing. He's probably sharing the good news with his OW.

Well done for going WHAT and fantastic for getting through the panic attack - I'm very impressed. You do realise though, that again you think bad about yourself for crying in front of ds.? Stop with the beating yourself up PLEASE.
Agree with not playing games - He probably won't even notice. Only if it will make you smile when hes there and you notice.
Lovely news about the baby. He wouldn't think to tell you about it though -he only thinks of himself.

wishing you restful sleep tonight my lovelyx

Well done with overcoming the panic attack; breathing through it - this is exactly what you need to do when he is there too, so great that you've had practise at it, it'll be much easier to do at the timeyou need it.

Don't beat yourself up. You are doing brilliantly. One step at a time. You got there didn't you? Celebrate the good things. Remind yourself every day of those achievements, no matter how small. Each one is a brick of your foundations laid, making you stronger. You will be unassailable!

Brilliant idea to have some men there. It will look innocent and perfectly plausible but, as giraffe says, he won't play up if there are men on the premises.

This 'learning to do things on your own' business... sounds like your mother's influence . If you were bereaved, would people be saying the same? They'd understand (you would hope!) that for a while you need support even with the little things. And this is a bereavement. But as jux says, well done for going, for giving it a go. Brilliant analogy re the bricks of your new foundations being laid.

The extra toothbrush etc. If you can pull it off, why not? I wouldn't be able to do it though because I'm just crap at lying lol

Hi hunni.
I'm sorry to hear what he has done to you. I know that with time things will get better for you.
From experience the Baileys won't help you get to sleep, in the long run it will make you feel worse, a warm milky drink would help more.
Well done for carrying on with your usual things like going shopping even though it is hard.
Does he still have a key to the house? If so maybe it would be best for you to arrange a time for him to get his stuff when you weren't in so that you didn't have to see him at all. If not I would ask him what he was coming to collect and have it all ready for him in the front garden or even if he does have a key leave a note on his stuff telling him to post it through the door.
I wish you all the best and keep your head held high. It's his loss! And your gain as you are better off without him if he can do this to you hunni.
Take Care xxxx

mummsy - yes he has a key but even though the house is in joint names, I have decided I don't want him here if I'm not here and I have made my reasons for that very clear - I can't trust him. He also assured me that 'our' memories that I bagged up for him to go through because they were too painful for me to go through, would be disposed of as he doesn't want them.

He just says he's taking his stuff but won't tell me what that is and it could be 'our' stuff so I want to know what he is taking. He's not happy I'm going to be here but I live here and I don't want to come back to seeing things missing.

He wants to wipe me out completely - but he's not going to do that in my home, this is now my territory.

I know someone who appears far more beautiful in pictures than she does in real life, so much so that I get taken aback that they are the same person when I see some of her photos in my newsfeed. They are candid shots too. Then again, I also know a woman approaching her mid-forties who would put twenty year old models to shame - both in real life and the numerous photos she takes of herself.

The way she looks isn't an indication of her personality. I've just finished watching Season 3 of the American version of the Amazing Race. There is what initially seems a very attractiveand photogenic woman, Flo Pesenti, who ends up winning with her long-suffering partner. Her antics, temper tantrums and pouts genuinely made her appear very, very ugly very quickly.

I completely understand you wanting to be there so that you know what he is taking and I agree with you.

I would get the locks changed on the house both front and back so that he cannot gain access when you aren't in the house, so that he can't suddenly remember something that he wants and takes it.

I would also try to get him to sign something that you have written up to say that you can keep the rest of the contents of the house and get a witness to countersign it.

I know it's soon after your split but I would look into your legal standing on staying in the house as it is in joint names and legally he is entitled to half of it and if you say he wants to wipe you out completely he may be callous enough to demand his "share" of the house in monetary value.

what is it this weekend he's coming to get his stuff? I'm not a game player either. Do you really want it to descend into a tit-for-tat game? Also if he thought you had someone else so quickly then I'm sure it would make him feel a little less guilty.

I really do think you should change the locks though & it's probably not as expensive as you'd imagine.

Morning what...

How did you sleep? Hope you're ok.

What do you have planned today? Hope you've managed some breakfast...

X