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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

1000 replies

Whatnext074 · 12/10/2013 23:52

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/10/2013 20:58

He'd had enough because he couldn't face the supermarket ?

I could barely stop laughing at that one. What a childish nincompoop!

MummysLittleSunbeams · 27/10/2013 20:59

Omg did he actually state one of the reasons for leaving was that he was fed up of going to the supermarket???? What an absolute tosser. He's obviously living in cloud cuckoo land. It sounds like he's existing in some kind of dream world where people don't do mundane things like go to supermarkets, pick their noses or trump! He's going to have a nasty shock when normality & boredom finally descend on his new relationship & he realises that ow is just a normal person like the rest of us who poo's, burps & yes..... shops in a supermarket too!! Shock

Your ddddds is so lovely & thoughtful. What a thoroughly lovely young man. Have a couple of LARGE glasses of baileys at least tonight.

Do you not have a bolt on your front door? Perhaps your ds could fit one for you when he's put the cotton buds down? Smile

I think you are doing well even though you don't feel that yourself. Take comfort in the fact that you don't have to leave the comfort of your little nest for at least the next week.

I didn't say this before but I lost 3 babies in 2009 so I know the pain you are feeling with respect to your losses.

Have a drink, put some crap telly on & get your journal out.

notagiraffe · 27/10/2013 21:09

I know it's really early days, and I'm not suggesting you try and move on, but just to give yourself a break from thinking about the pain, could you, in your journal, start thinking about some things you've always wanted to do and not done? Stuff that can be done just for you (not stuff you always wanted to do with him, obv, but stuff that maybe you wanted to do when you were a kid and never got round to, and then do some of those things. Even if they are really tiny things.

Just, it might help establish a place in your mind, where you exist, not in relation to him but in your own right, and that there are things that you alone can enjoy and look forward to.

Hope this doesn't sound as if I'm shoving you along. It takes ages to get through what you are going through.

mammadiggingdeep · 27/10/2013 21:19

That's a good idea nota giraffe......

Are there any things which he would NEVER have done or didn't like doing but you were interested and keen?? Now you can do it....

For instance my ex hated camping. Well, needless to say that its going to be something I do next summer with my girls. Ex hated pop-type music. A friend asked the other day if I'm up for booking up got the x-factor tour this year. You bet ya!!!! :)

Guess it shouldn't be too focused on THeM and what they didn't like but it's just nice to realise I'm free to do whatever I like now with no compromise :)

X

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 27/10/2013 21:29

Do you not have a bolt on your front door? Perhaps your ds could fit one for you when he's put the cotton buds down?

MummysLittleSunbeams - you really made me laugh, thank you!

notagiraffe - I totally agree with you and know I need to do that as I even find it hard going out and walking round my beautiful town because we moved here together and made so many plans. I used to be into my art and lost that when I met my H but I might take that up again. I know I need to create my own new memories here and will try my best. I think it's because it's all so unpredictable at the moment, 2 months of him saying he's going to divorce me and then saying he wants me to divorce him and now he's saying we don't have to decide just yet. I know I need to take control in some way and have some other things to look forward to, thank you for your post.

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Original poster
Whatnext074 · 27/10/2013 21:33

mamma - he kind of did a lot to make me happy because it made him happy which is partly why I struggle as I know he'll be doing the same with OW. We always planned surprises for each other and he loved seeing my face when he'd surprised me with something - then he threw all of that back in my face before he left.

I need to find my own identity. I need to find out what makes me look forward to something, for my own sanity.

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cjel · 27/10/2013 21:43

I know what you mean about going out. We've lived in our little town since childhood and OW does too. He moved in with her a couple of weeks ago so now my H,daughter and son live within yards of each otherSad I avoid places I know they go and so don't go out much!! I also rediscovered art and actually have been to an all day saturday class 3 wks ago and a weekly afternoon one this week. Its great to meet 'new' people that I am starting to make new memories with.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 27/10/2013 21:56

Oh cjel, that's so difficult. I am lucky that he lives quite a way from me and she lives even further but you are strong to be in the same town.

I'm glad to hear you have been to art classes and that it helped you. I need to think of something for myself that makes me happy. It's also good to meet people who have no connection with what has happened, I didn't think of it that way.

OP posts:
cjel · 27/10/2013 22:03

Yes it is, I only have one friend that we had together now. This last two years I've distanced myself from a lot of 'our' things, Moving helped, although within the town all neighbours etc are different. I still tell people a brief story of my situation but we build new things to talk about. It wasn't easy but I love it now. Think of something you'd like to do and find it in your area, I've always fancied dancing -but then saw a text from her that she'd booked them classes so i put that on holdSmile It was a long time ago and I don't think they do anything now so I think I'd be safe. TMI but I want to sort out pelvic floor first- sorry Grin One thing I did do when I felt like you was to get dvd of painting class then I could do it at home without having to face people!!

skyeskyeskye · 27/10/2013 22:15

what - sorry your weekend was a bit hit and miss. it is still very early days though. as for the reasons that your H gave for leaving, I will give you a few of mine, just so you know that it really is him not you.....

  1. You will never leave here where you live (he never asked me to)
  2. We want different things out of life. You like holidays and I don't (he went abroad with OW and her H 5 months after leaving)
  3. One night when we stayed in a Premier Inn, I especially bought a condom and we didnt have sex (It was 12 months earlier and he had fallen asleep)
  4. You watch too much tv (he was in the office every night on facebook)
  5. your family is too big, there is always something on (my aunt had just died and we had been to her funeral)
  6. You never let me see my friends (OW and her H)
  7. You walk all over me (I asked him before we did anything and he always said yes)
  8. You don't come to the park with me and DD on Sunday (no, I was cooking dinner)
  9. You don't support me in my work (I did his accounts, loaned him money)
10. The house is a disgrace (he had stopped helping to do anything).

I am not trying to hijack your thread, but hoping if you can see the ridiculous reasons that these men give for leaving, it might help you to see that it really is just a list of excuses that they come up with. They have to justify why they are going and the only way that they can do that, is to turn it all back on to you, so it is your fault.

Because they really can't just say - I am a callous cold bastard and I am out of here....

Maybe others on the thread can share some daft reasons that they were given.........

skyeskyeskye · 27/10/2013 22:17

cjel that is awful, being in the same place. I am glad that XH moved 20 miles away. I occasionally pass him on the road, but I would hate it if I couldn't go to the local pub for fear of seeing him.....

The art classes sound fab and that is exactly what my counsellor said I should do, not art, but find a new hobby so that I can meet new friends, so well done to you and what it sounds like a good idea for you too

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 27/10/2013 22:24

skye - those 'reasons' sound as ridiculous as my H reasons, thank you for sharing. That messed my head up so much as none of it made sense before he left as every day there was a different reason and I just thought he was having a breakdown because of the inconsistency and stupidity of his excuses. He even said that I'll never understand why he left - well I found that out in his diary 6 weeks ago!

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 27/10/2013 22:42

I tore my self apart over all the "reasons" that he gave. He made me feel like such a bad person and I needed counselling to work it all out in my head and realise that it wasn't me, it was just all bullshit.

springylippy · 27/10/2013 23:25

The cowardice of these men just takes my breath away. If they wanted out, why couldn't they be honest and say so? Instead they weave these ridiculous lies that mess with your head, heart and confidence Angry

I'm sorry your w/e was challenging What. But you couldn't have been with better people eh: people who understand and are kind and care about you. Then your brilliant ds, the dear boy.

I hope you get to cosy up this week. Time, my darling, it's going to take time. Meanwhile look after yourself - will you do that? Please? Go on, do it for us Wink . We all care about you, lovely.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 27/10/2013 23:33

Thank you spring, I will try to. I have lots to do this week on a practical level and hope that helps me get a little stronger.

In 6 weeks, I've only seen my H for 2.5 hours and that was 5 weeks ago. He's coming on Saturday to collect the rest of his things so I need to be strong for that. He said he'll only be here for 30 minutes.

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cjel · 27/10/2013 23:36

Have a good night, perhaps spend the week feeding yourself up? that'll make you feel better able to cope.x

redundantandbitter · 28/10/2013 00:01

supermarket? Oh god, that's just rubbish. He could have shopped online himself , nothing stopping him.

Bloody rubbish crap excuses. The more crap the excuse, the more crap the man.

Sorry, but he's totally devastated you and it just adds insult to injury to insinuate its your fault. Pathetic. Please don't dwell on excuses what you sound perfectly lovely ... He doesn't.

springylippy · 28/10/2013 00:44

Going out on a limb here: please don't be there when he comes. In fact, don't let him come. Don't tell him why, either. No is a complete sentence and all that. xx

Zhx3 · 28/10/2013 00:50

I'm sorry you had such a painful weekend, What - I'm sure your db and ds won't think of you as a burden, but are more worried for you than anything else.

Do you have one or two friends lined up to be with you on the day he comes to collect his stuff? Can you or they bag most of it up before he arrives, to hasten his departure?

You can stay upstairs when he's at your home, you don't have to see him.

Big hug for you Thanks

MistressDeeCee · 28/10/2013 00:50

30 minutes in your home, after the way he has emotionally abused you? I agree with Springlippy - dont let him come, and dont tell him why. How much stuff does he have left? Can he collect it from the doorstep? Like most emotional abusers, he feels the need to turn the screw and mess with your wellbeing, by projecting onto you. He knows he has done you a great wrong, and he is compounding it with cruelty. He isnt happy either, thats why he feels a great need to display his behaviour and talk crap re. his reasons for leaving etc etc.

When you are strong enough again you will see him for what he truly is, and then he will never be able to inflict harm on you again. Look after yourself..

mainamow · 28/10/2013 08:10

OP, you say he comes this weekend to collect his things. I think what will hurt him is when he finds the look of the house alien to him. I would try to change it as much as possible so it would not remind him of his former home.

Eliza22 · 28/10/2013 09:26

Could you not pack up his stuff and leave it in the garage? Garden? middle of the street?

I promise you that it will get better. You cannot take this on board now but it really is true. My ex left when my ds was 4. I thought my life was at an end and actually asked my sister, to take and bring up my son because I felt I had nothing to offer him. I was absolutely bereft and lost over 2 stones in weight in a 3 month period.

It did get better. Every time I see my ex now (we have to be cordial because of ds) I thank God he left me and I wouldn't change places with his girlfriend, for anything. He was despicable. He apparently never loved me; he lied endlessly; had a girlfriend who went up the wall when she saw a kiddie car seat in his car one day (she had no idea he had a child) and my sister helped me enormously when she told me that when I was pregnant with ds, ex had gone to her behind my back and asked her to try to persuade me to have a termination, because he wasn't ready for a child.

These men are not worth it. You have done nothing wrong. It will take a while but you will be a whole other person in time and you will be relieved NOT to be with a man who could be so destructive and waste his marriage and all the memories you share.

Pity him. He only thinks he's found himself.

cjel · 28/10/2013 09:30

Mainamow - what a brilliant idea!. Spend the week rearranging stuf WHAT, even if you put it all back after the weekend and who knows you may like the changes?xx

PedantMarina · 28/10/2013 10:18

What mainamow said. And fresh flowers.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 28/10/2013 11:15

When you are strong enough again you will see him for what he truly is, and then he will never be able to inflict harm on you again

That is very true and I sadly look forward to that day.

I didn't sleep last night and was thinking of changing some of the things in the house before the weekend and also thinking of getting some fresh flowers on Friday.

I imagine he's going to be more nervous than me coming in the house after all that time but I could be wrong and he might just be arrogant and indifferent - after all, I don't know him anymore.

I thought about bagging his things up but I don't want to cause any aggravation for myself and I actually want to 'act' indifferent to him while he gets his things together so he can't work out how I'm coping as that will confuse him.

I took a big step and am sad about it but over the weekend I put my wedding ring on my other hand. It didn't feel right so I took it off altogether last night. I never actually realised how much I fiddle with it and I am missing it but he has defiled the meaning of it and it's a constant reminder to wear it.

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