Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

I totally get what you mean about new photos.

I dreaded my dd's birthdays this summer...my little gorgeous girl's first birthday and I had never thought it would be as a single mum. My eldest turned 3 and I almost couldn't bear to throw a party. Then I thought "fuck it" my kids won't miss out and I won't be robbed of throwing them a party. So I did... A huge joint one with everybody invited. It was lovely. To start with I couldn't look at the photos as I felt it looked wrong without ex in. I've just had one of the 3 of us blown up onto canvas :)

It's raw and painful but unfortunately the only way I could deal with it was a deep breath and battle through. Even a few months on I look at the photos and don't remember him not being there, just all the fun the girls had.

Your ds sounds great...I like random! Phoebe from friends is my hero :)

Our children are the real loves of our lives. They're part of us and the love between them and us in unconditional.

You'll be on your train journey soon whatnext...good luck. Hope you manage to enjoy some of the weekend
X

How is the weekend going so far?

Hope you are having a lovely weekend with your DB What

Hope you're ok whatnext and enjoying time with your bro.
X

Just checking in so You know folk are thinking of you, hoping no posting on MN means you are being looked after and you're feeling warm and loved. X

Hope you're doing ok too redundant. X

Whatnext thinking of you tonight. Hope the cloud from yesterday has slightly lifted.

Delurking to say - your relationship with your DS sounds lovely! And [snort] at the idea of wondering how many cotton buds his hand could hold - at 0530! That will make you smile whenever you think of it I hope.

Morning, Hope you are having a restful weekendx

Thank you for the caring messages.

I'm afraid I'm not sure this weekend helped. I actually put make up on before I left on Friday, did my hair and got dressed up, felt good for first time in ages. At the station, I realised that it was the time that my H would be getting the train home (this hadn't clicked with me until I saw all the commuters) and I spent an hour looking at people wondering if he would be one of the commuters, I didn't see him then resigned my stupid mind to the fact that he's probably gone another route with his OW.

I met my DB and his GF and we had dinner and a couple of drinks. I was laughing and talking for the longest time that I had in a long time. Then it hit me, I got hysterical, crying, sobbing in the street. A taxi refused to take us because he thought I was drunk, I was so ashamed.

I spent Saturday very quietly and we didn't go out, I felt awful for being around people who care about me and them not knowing what to do for the best. I'm not ready to be with other people and I haven't stopped crying.

6 weeks today since I confronted H and it hurts so much.

My DS picked me up from the station and had bought me a bottle of Baileys as he remembered that last weekend my other DB had given me a glass and I slept right through.

I am a mess, I can't say here as it's too personal but my body has really suffered through this, it's embarrassing what is happening and I'm only young(ish).

I feel like I am a burden to everyone even though they are trying to help me. When I was at my DBs, I just wanted to get home to hide but they wanted me to stay for a few more days. Weekends are so hard. I know I'm torturing myself but I just think of my H creating new memories and not giving me a second thought. I would never have hurt him like this and he promised me he would never do this. I feel so worthless. I want him to hurt as much as I do and I feel terrible for wishing that on him, I try not to be a bad person.

Oh god, will I ever get better?? I want to feel better. I miss talking to him, I miss our hugs and the feeling of security. The pain is still so bad.

Oh it helped all right - and you may feel lousy but you are getting better. A few weeks ago when you first came on here, I doubt you could have left the house let alone gone away for the weekend.

So it didn't go quite as you might have hoped ? No matter. It was a huge 'first' and you did well to get through it. Very well.

Remind me - you have next week off work again?

Yes cozie - I have one more week off work.

My H has a doctor appointment tomorrow morning (5 minutes from where I live), I'm guessing to get his chest x ray results. He doesn't know I'm off work and doesn't know that I know he has an appointment. I am wondering if he will just turn up but I'm going to put the key in the front door so he can't open it - I don't think he'll just turn up though after me saying it's not acceptable.

Oh darling... I feel for you. You had a tough weekend by the sounds of it. But least your family know just how you're feeling and they will feel your pain. You were very brave to get your face on and get on that train.

I too am at 6 weeks...it tough when all you want is arms around you and to smell that familiar smell. The feeling will pass though. Then it comes, and fades slightly. It's going to be be a long journey, but don't beat yourself up if you sob. I was crying round the supermarket today .theres loads of tears... Better out than in!

Worried about your body hun, it's saying it needs more care. Sorry if this is TMI but my period started way out of sync and freaked me out. Stress and trauma will take its toll. I hope wHatever it is has passed.

Your DS sounds so thoughtful with his baileys - what a love! So get yourself a glass and curl up under that blanket. Another weekend over, good to hear from you.

Put the key in the door anyway. He might well feel it's so close he can come and have a snoop.

Yes,Yes,Yes it will get miles better, You did amazing to stay at that station even though you could have seen 'them' then having a good night out at all and laughing as well I think you should hold on to that. You have at least 3 people who are looking after you and taking care of you and that tells me you are a very special lady.

The pain and distress is perfectly understandable and normal and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel as you do.

You may feel bad now but there will be more times of fun and laughter and the bad will be less and less.

Well done you are moving forward and YES the pain will endxxxxxx

Hey whatnext.....

I'm so sorry that you feel the weekend wasn't as comforting as it could have been. A few positive things stand out though. I know they probably don't mean anything to you at the moment and it might even irritate you by me pointing the out (I used to get annoyed with people keep telling me how strong I was when it was the last thing I felt). However....forgive me as I think it's important to point it out.

1. you managed to do make up and get dressed up. This is not something you could've done 3 or 4 weeks ago.
2. you said you talked and enjoyed your DB and his gf company before you got upset. Hold into that...even for that short time you were as near to being the usual you prob as you have been for 6 weeks
3. you have a wonderful Bro who loves and cards for you so much he wanted you to stay on so he can care for you
4. you have a great son who is SO thoughtful and lovely he bought you a bottle of baileys because he thought a glass of it would help you sleep. Amazing...what a bloody fantastic job you've done bringing him up. Only 20 but THAT is what you call a gentlemen :)
5. you managed a weekend away, a train journey a meal out....you may not feel like it but you are doing well. This is progress.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you to magic it better. Something that I used to think to try to control my thinking when I went down the road of 'I want his hugs...' Was to turn it around. No, I don't want his hugs. He was deceitful and he has caused this pain. I don't want somebody in my life that can treat me with such contempt....' Just used to talk myself out of it, thinking of how unattractive his treatment of me was.

Don't know if that makes sense but I only survived by controlling my thoughts. Turning around dark, negative thoughts, talking myself out of the bad thoughts. Not easy but I tried to train myself.

Sending you hugs and a big Pom Pom waving for your little triumphs and successes this weekend
X

I'll echo what redundant said. Taking care of the bod is quite critical. It can take an enormous amount of punishment but not an infinite amount so if some of it is starting to play up it's a clear signal to you. Good food and some rest (even just lying down if you can't sleep) are a necessary thing.

Thank you so much for caring. I am crying so much and trying to stop as my DS is upstairs and I don't want him seeing me like this.

I did get lots of hugs this weekend and texts from my other DB and SIL to see how I was but I just feel like such a burden. I feel terrible for wanting my H to experience my pain, I try not to be a bad person but I know I have bad thoughts and that isn't helping me.

My DB told me to write my thoughts down, even if it's just gibberish so I bought a journal and I will start to write in it.

I'm at the stage now where I can't even tell my GP how bad things are affecting me as I am embarrassed and feel like I should be moving on. mamma, you are right though, a few weeks ago I wouldn't have made that journey. I tried to fake it but I failed. I try so hard to turn my feelings round and remember his treatment of me but my coping mechanism has always been to shut bad experiences out.

redundant - I'm sorry to hear you were sad today, I understand and actually have only faced the supermarket myself twice in 6 weeks.

cjel - thank you, I hope the pain does end. I envy people on here who are at the stage of getting over it.

Please, please, please don't be embarrassed!! 6 weeksid no time at all. Who would be moving in after such a short period of time?? You are making the early, tentative steps of moving on but most people would be reacting the same way as you. Do not be ashamed or embarrassed. You MUST be honest with your doc.

Cjel is right....good food and rest is imperative!

Don't be embarrassed. GP has been through this with people before and after 6wks the feelings are as raw as at the beginning. Are you going for counselling? Brilliant to have an hour a week to go through it without being a drain on anyone.
I now have 5, 250 page A5 journals!! They are amazing, I can read how even when I had bad evenings and mornings I started to have good times in between and also that when you feel that you have never felt so bad you can look back and see that actually you did and go through it It also helps because then you don't feel as if you are a burden to want to keep going over it again and again.

But if You can stop the tears for ds it will help him to see glimpses of when you aren't too bad, but just try and talk about the lovely meal you had with db or something if possible, if not don't beat yourself up about that as well..
Oh and I haven't faced supermarket shop for 2 years!! I have it delivered and pop to local stuff ever simce I knew 'they'shopped there.

My GP was going to hurry through counselling but that was 3 weeks ago.

I feel a bit better now for having got it out after this weekend and I have stopped crying. I will use my journal, my DB said it will help.

I stupidly even felt bad for not going to the supermarket as that was one of the many reasons my H gave me that he'd had enough - he was fed up of going to the supermarket. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who can't face it.

Have you seen the number of delivery vans around-its very common to hate it -I even used to pay dil to do it for me before home delivery!!!!. get writing its as theraputic as coming here and I don't know what its like near you but there is a long wait for counselling so 3 weeks isn't long but would do no harm to chase it up in the morning.

Glad you are calmer again, those tearful times are so tiring. Have you eaten yet?

He was fed up of going to the supermarket?! You do knos he gave you shit reasons to try to justify his unacceptable behaviour and hurtful choices don't you??

I think he's really knocked your self esteem :(
Sod it, you should only do online shopping from now on...a big fat two fingers up to him.

Think you should go back to the gp and Sk about counselling again. Yes, yes to writing it all down in a journal. Really helps.

Yes...u need to eat.....and have you had a glass if baileys yet?? Hopefully will have same effect as last time. Aaah, your lovely ds buying you that. Hurrah for him x

He gave me lots of different reasons over 2 months, none of it made sense, like if he was offered the opportunity to work abroad for a year then I would be weak to wait for him as that would be no life for me. He's fed up of TV etc etc. He really messed with my head.

I have eaten some dinner, my DS made sure I did. No Baileys yet, I didn't really have the heart to tell him that I don't really like it but I will have a small bit tonight as I know he just wants to help.

Thank you for calming me down xx