Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

what so he hasn't moved in with OW and Henry?

He uses bike for work - needs the family railcard for half term trips with kids etc.... It's his birthday next week and I expect he wants to visit his parents. WELL HE CAN BLOODY WELL APPLY FOR A REPLACEMENT . That'll reach him for not being organised . And every time I open my purse (or USE the railcard ) I will think of him. I know I know it's stupid but it's a very tiny victory in a big losing battle. And breathe.... Good luck with getting through tomorrow love.

well done on breathing redundantx

Sorry I know I am ranting... Jesus I have waited weeks for some form of sensible mature contact but I get this ? Where's the grown up - he's a bloody policeman for crying out loud!!

Not replying . F off.

I thought I was giving him an easy option by going through a 3rd party - he hasn't exactly been quick to return my keys- but actually I think he's embarrassed coz friend must have said I' m upset. Ah, poor thing, made to feel bad . Must be awful for him.

Sorry what thought I was posting that on my thread . Apologies for hijack

cjel - that beggars belief!!!

God these men are awful aren't they? They can just walk away, don't look back - until they want something! Then you are the 'unreasonable' one - for not jumping to their commands.
Hope you slept well What. It makes me cringe when I think of him comforting her about her father, and him being comforted by her abut his babies - it is all a front. He didn't want or give comfort at the time; this is just to make himself look good to her, look like a good, sensitive, nurturing person. It will soon fade off him. No-one can keep a sham like that going for long.

And I did laugh when I read that 'Henry has a room of his own and can buy anything he likes!'

I thought "how decadent, Henry has his own room"

One of the things I miss from living alone is that there was no one there to comment on what my eccentricities - like painting a room at midnight or having the same tea 3 nights in a row because I enjoyed it.

Have a good weekend.

Feel so sad today

Here to hold your hand what. Is it something in particular or just one of those days?

Hey what I know you're sad, and why. Please be kind to yourself. Have you got company today .. Anyone you can call for a talk ? We are all here for you if you want up spill out.., x

I just have an awful feeling of dread, I haven't had that for a couple of days so I suppose I'm lucky. I got about 2 hours broken sleep and can't get the horrible feeling out of my mind of what my H has done and how his life has moved on and he wants me wiped out of his life.

I would have loved him forever, he could have trusted me completely, I would never have hurt him but I wasn't enough for him. He has his new, beautiful OW and it hurts so much. We never spent more than 3 days apart before and now the bed is so empty and I'm stupid because when I wake up and it's empty, I pretend he's gone to the loo and he'll be back and cuddle me when he gets into bed.

I know he's collecting his things next Saturday but for now some of his clothes are still in the wardrobe and I open it now and again just to know they are there. They no longer smell of him, I worried at times that he would die before me but this feels so much worse.

It's ok to feel all of these things. Please keep telling yourself that he is not too good for you, it's the other way round. he could have trusted me completely, I would never have hurt him - what, these are the words of a good person. Having an affair and treating you the way he has are not the actions of a good person. He does not deserve you. I know you cannot see it now, but you will. It's just shit that you have to get through this beginning bit, but it's all part of the process. You will feel better. Can you give your brother a call? If not, keep posting.

It's just a day, get through it. It'll end, just like every other day does and then you'll be one day closer to feeling better.

I imagine your grim feelings have an awful lot to do with your lack of sleep (plus lack of nutrition). I know you can't do much about those two things at the mo but I wonder if it helps that the intensity of the dread is probably because you are physically undermined at the mo. I had similar - though not on the same scale - feelings of deep upset last night: yes what I was feeling awful about was real but the grinding intensity of the feelings were not - I was tired, mainly. Can you try not to take your feelings today seriously, what?

Is it possible to get a bit of kip before you leave for London? Eat a banana? What time are you leaving?

So glad you'll be with your DB who understands a broken and betrayed heart. Big hug darling, you're doing so well

Thank you both. I'm leaving at 4pm. I just look awful, tired, pale and a shadow of myself. I'm going to try and pull myself together but I think it doesn't help as so far I have avoided the train as it reminds me of lovely trips we always planned together and nights out in London which were always special.

I know tiredness isn't helping at all and I had a glass of wine last night to try and help me sleep but it didn't work.

I know I'm lucky to have a weekend planned, even though I'm off work at the moment, weekends and the thought of Fridays are so hard. He always said to me, "Friday today, can't wait to spend the weekend with you". Now he's saying that to OW.

I know I'm torturing myself but I just feel dreadful today.

He didn't have to do this to me, to us. I hope he has moments when he feels dreadful but in reality it's all probably too exciting for him at the moment for those thoughts. It's all just a waste.

Darling, I don't drink for precisely that reason: the feelings of awfulness and dread the next day just aren't worth it. I've tried organic etc but it's always the same. So I leave well alone. I've had my fair share of terrible life events and perhaps when you're beleaguered and raw the system can't take it?

Perhaps take some vit C (or a multi-vit) and drink lots of water to flush out your system? Could you cope with a banana?

it seems to me that the deeper they have loved, the harder they kick.

I have just had a banana, thank you for suggesting it and I am on multi vitamins.

25th October - one year since losing one of our babies, tried not to dwell on it but it appears it is on my mind. I doubt he's even registered the date.

My test results are all clear so thankfully I haven't got that to worry about anymore.

I have put my wedding ring on my other hand for now, feels strange.

Whatnext...sending a hug today.

So so pleased the results were clear. That's one thing you're not dealing with.

The fact that you've moved your ring over is a sign of strength and a little sign of acceptAnce.

The bit you wrote about the train journeys and nights in London etc made me so sad. I remember that feeling if doing something you should have been doing with the person you've lost.

There is no other way to get over this...you have to go through this horrendously painful stage. The more trips you take by yourself, the more 'new memories' and 'new routines/traditions' you make the less you remember the ones with him. The memories are still there but less raw.

It sounds shit and so annoying to hear on your situation but time does heal.

Bananas are good to eat. Try something else if you can. Hopefully your brother will make you feel relaxed and comfortable and eating might be a bit better for you this weekend.
X

mamma - that's what I need, new memories. I have changed some of the photos around the house for ones of my family but it's so hard finding ones where my H wasn't part of the occasion. By having new memories, I can get new photos and that will help I'm sure.

I know now that what I'm feeling is 'normal' and a process I have to go through, you all give me hope.

In a dark moment, my DS has made me smile just now. I asked him if he had dropped all the cotton buds as they were a mess in the container. He said "err, no, I was seeing how many I could fit in my hand then thought wtf am I doing". This was at 5:30am this morning before starting a 10 hour working day (he stayed with me last night). He is very random sometimes and I love him for it.

That's good news about the tests. As mamma said, one less thing to deal with.

People have referred to your H going off as like a bereavement. I recall about 3 months after my darling father died, suddenly sitting down with a bump and thinking 'This means that I'll never get to sit down and laugh with him again, as long as I live'. That gave me a great feeling of dread and emptiness as well.

The rawness will heal over a bit for you a little - and the emptiness fill up - but for the time being, it's putting one foot in front of the other and gritting your teeth. Fake it until you can make it as someone said up above.

I'm glad you're eating something. It's real important to keep the body going in some way.

You're doing so well, What, even though it may not feel like it to you.

Thank you cozie

Sorry you're feeling down and dread-full what. (not word I know - at least not that meaning)
It is just another day. I know it's a year since losing one of your precious babies, but you will have to go through a lot of 'firsts' - 1st anniversary of him leaving, 1st train ride, 1st christmas/birthday etc. It is something you just have to go through; hard I know.

Blimey WHAT no wonder you feel down today. Don't let your mind wander to how much you are failing for being so low. For goodness sake I want to shake you I can't imagine the grief of having an anniversary like this so soon after hes left but it as to be sooooo normal that you are so low.

Going on the train will be a new memory for you spending time with db will be a new memory for you. take lots of new photos to put around. At first they remind you of what should have been there but eventually you forget that and enjoy what is there now.

Please please be gentle with yourself today and just do what you need to ., Pale and ill looking will go when you recover,- Avoid mirrors and you wont know what you look like.
Also wonder if you are confusing grief for your baby - who you didn't get chance to know- to H who you did know and had good memories with.xxx

Glad your results are clear. A positive thought on this crappy day. Sun is shining here- is it with you? X

Cloudy here but dry x

Any news on counselling ? I had such a breakthrough session at Relate today .. It's changed the way I see the way he's left me. I hope you get to talk to someone in RL soon. It's a space to cry and blurt and let go. Good luck with your train journey and this weekend x