Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Quite. And I expect envelopes make good kindling. Just sayin'

Do have a think about it. There's no particular virtue in my eyes in facing him when you're at such an early stage of recovery and in such a potentially fraught situation. (That's why I suggested staying out of his way upstairs if you were in the house.)

If you have a good friend or two (I'd recommend two) who know your mind then they might be a good idea. And if you've removed precious stuff beforehand, they can be relatively relaxed about it.

Oh and Yes. That £10 is a tale and a half isn't it?

Do you have to let him in? I'm serious. He has abandoned your home, too bad if he forgot some stuff in his flight.

If you go incommunicado it will drive him NUTS. Change the locks, don't tell him, don't respond to his comms. The woman who had her home contents cut down the very middle like a surgeon's scalpel has done this and it has indeed driven her snivvling shit of an H completely bonkers. It has also given her the vital space to heal. Get him where it hurts, don't let him know what's going on with you.

I do suspect the story he has told himself (in order to assuage his conscience) is that he has been 'propping you up' and he is 'tired' of the 'dramas'. Conveniently forgetting that the 'dramas' are real life (whereas he's off on a fantasy) and the 'propping' has been the normal intimacy and support of a committed marriage. He's re-writing the script.

Words fail me here. I'd like to get him in a dark alley, frankly .

Agreed, springy. 'tired of the dramas' - that he has created.

What - the more you mention this twunt, the more there is to dislike about him! You couldn't think of a single thing wrong with him before- you even said the OW has the 'perfect man' hahahahaha... Now he is shown up as being a cold,heartless selfish man who couldn't support his wife when she lost his babies, his own DB and BIL when they lost their dds, and now he is a bad-tempered, arrogant controlling excuse for a man, who just likes to bully you into getting his own way.

Not such a perfect catch now, I think.

Definitely get someone there with you when he comes, preferably 2. In fact if you can find someone (big, beefy guys) who know the score, leave them there and go out !

Could a friend come and pack his stuff, or help you to do? Then you could just put the binbags outside (don't waste money on boxes!) and leave them for him to collect.

It is so good to see you feeling some anger! He is sooooo insulting. £10 FFS! I'd be so tempted to send him a bill and my hourly rate would be at least £20.

If you feel that you don't want to be there, then don't, but at least have someone there who will make sure he doesn't destroy stuff. You have to do what is best for you and nont seeing him seems best for you at the moment. I'd get it packed up so he doesn't have to rummage in your things and if he wants other things you didn't pck he'll have to ask you before having themxx

I have just received his parent's key I the post with a note saying, "here is our key".

I need to seriously think about when he's coming here and how I play it and whether I am here. I'll see how strong/weak I am nearer the time. I thank you for your suggestions. I know that I have to maintain my dignity over matters like this though so as to not give him any ammunition if it goes to court. I think that's why he's being careful now and I need to keep it up too. I don't trust him, I don't know what he has in mind for the future.

captain - you are right about the way he 'escaped' from our 'dramas', I am still in disbelief that someone so loving could do and say that. Yes, the OW has got quite a catch now.

Sorry but his parents sound just horrible. When my EXP left his W his parents continued (and still do) to support her . They call regularly and travel (it's a good distance) to see her and their g/DDs. They do jobs and take them out for meals. Why are they treating you so badly? He's not been 'noble' , and your life is upside down. We're they always like this? So sorry that they aren't supporting you .

I think that the reaction of his parents says quite a lot about why he isn't able to live in reality.

He can do no wrong in their eyes and it shows when she said that she's supporting her son and she can't expect me to understand that. I'm a mum, I would support my son in whatever but I would also tell him when he has done wrong. They have told him that he has done nothing wrong as he deserves to be happy with his 'friend' and I was wrong to read his personal thoughts.

I am well shot of them, they discarded me and my DS so easily. They have no friends either and have alienated other family members over the years. He is just like them.

She changed towards me the day we got married, nobody was good enough for her DS. A small victory for me getting my key back.

I think the mumsnetter springy mentions has indeed refused her STBXH access. She has also gone no contact and insists all communication goes through the solicitor, it seems to be an empowering and sensible strategy. The STBXH is desperate to get in and take the TV and laptop and would have no problem leaving her without either. Think it through carefully and maybe ask your solicitor what you can reasonably do in this situation.

He already took the laptop so I had to buy another one as couldn't be without it, especially now. I bought a pink one!

I am phoning a solicitor back this afternoon, I need more advice now so hope I can get an appointment on Monday.

You buying a Pink lap top made me smile. Go you! I bet you love it too. Proper cheered me up. Now, have you had some lunch hun?

I can't believe that counsellor in saying that everybody she knows either accepts it or is angry?! WTAF? Yes, we may have been treated like shit and the anger is there, but so is the sorrow and grief at what you have lost, or think you have lost.... she should be able to deal with every situation as a councellor...

I hope you get some legal advice sorted soon.

I had a crumpet redundant, thanks for asking. Am more thirsty than anything and drink lots. I love my laptop, it's mine, has my history on it, my passwords and there's no need to be worried every time I log on at looking at his history.

skye - I agree, and she is a couple's counsellor too! I have an appointment with solicitor on Wednesday, hope it makes me a little stronger for when he comes on that Saturday, although I'm not going to give anything away to him.

snap< on the pink pc

though mine isn't as good as yours, obvs. I bet your 'd' isn't sticking.

If you went no contact he'd combust, I can guarantee it. He has given you a role in his play and he has to watch over you to force make sure you play the part exactly as he says you should. If you go no contact he won't know what you're doing . I swear, it'll do his head in.

An that's what we want.

Love the pink laptop!!!

I bought pink saucepans :))))

His parents sound awful....at least you got YOUR key back though.

If you were to be there when he gets his things be really honest with yourself about what your intentions would be. Do you visualise yourself talki g things through with him? Or sitting in another room whilst he packs.

Whatever way you go with it just do what feels best.

I don't think he should be in the house by himself, as has been said on here you can't trust him that far.

The friends idea is a good one but are they really going to put up a fight if he starts removing things he shouldn't??

If you think you'd like to be there but you're not ready yet then tell him to eff off until you are ready.

The 10 pound thing for the stamps is just pathetic!! Am angry on your behalf whatnext... He prob thinks he's being very fair and reasonable.

It's really hurtful how cold and clinical they come across to us. Like you said, how can someone so loving do this?? Remember it really is how they cope with their cuntish (apologies for language but only that word would do) behaviour.

Whatnext sorry if I'm probing and don't answer of you don't want to but do you think you're also grieving for the lost chance to have his baby?? I know you so sadly lost babies and I know you were trying to conceive with him. The reason I'm asking is because I think you've been hurt and let down on so many levels by your h. I think that's why your grief has so deeply rocked you.

Sorry again if its too personal, I raised it because quite often on here you apologise for how sad/negative/low you are. What I was trying to point out is that ffs, you're allowed to....

You're doing SO well whatnext, there are DEFINATELY glimpses of anger coming through...in my own experience the anger I felt turned into strength. It's an important part of this roller coaster of a process.

Hugs x

spring - I can see that your 'd' is sticking by your last sentence.....x

I hope you're right. I don't want to play games but I do want him to experience a tiny bit of wonder at how I'm doing. I think it helps with the healing process.

mamma - you are right. I try not to dwell on it but tomorrow is the day last year we lost one of our babies and found out at the 3 month scan. I remember being left on the table with the screen still on with no heartbeat while the doctor left the room to get a second opinion. My tummy was still exposed and I sobbed and sobbed. My H held my hand and asked me to "keep it together".

The fact that he has said he has discussed all of this with his OW and she understands and is helping support him is the worst thing to say to me. It is utter betrayal. They were our babies, but it was me who had to go through the operations and me who had to pretend everything was okay when my body was still acting for weeks after that it was pregnant.

I'm sorry if anyone on here has experienced that too and it brings back awful memories for them. We never had a chance to deal with one trauma before the next baby died. I think that's why this has hit me so hard. I could have a hug from the one person who I thought understood whenever I needed it and now I don't have that and he is getting comfort from someone else.

... he has said he has discussed all of this with his OW and she understands and is helping support him....

Dear Goodness. The man is a monster. How you've managed to keep your hands off a blunt instrument, I have no idea.

You poor love, fancy telling you hes talked it over with her. why is he telling her - why is he telling you??? Seems extremely insensitive and hurtful. It's your personal stuff. I take it OW doesn't have Dc's?

It's the big, 'sensitive and sharing' thing that they all do at the beginning, redundant. It's wholly laughable in his case.

I find his parents' reaction chilling.

Some good friends of my family found out recently their that son had been cheating on their daughter in law, when he left her for the OW. They were horrified. They felt responsible as they had brought him up. They are totally supportive of his wife. That's how decent people would react, surely?

Your PILs seem to be missing an ethics chip: it's easy to see that was passed down. And interesting that they have no friends...

Sorry OP - it annoys me when people share their personal painful memories - I consider myself to be sociable and chatty etc but my exp would tell me all about his EXw's boyfriends and what was happening etc. why was she telling him, why was he telling me? It's disturbing - it's their business. I used to say 'dont tell me' . Re your exh - What use is there in telling his OW about your babies. Makes me flipping cross . I hope you don't mind me venting.

Ah cozie I have a lot to learn.

My Exp - when telling about lovely new 'warm' partner - told me confidently that she knew all about us and our history. WELL THAT'S OK THEN. And she was comfortable with that? Hmmmm strange. Good luck yoga lady ...

what I am so sorry he's lost his memory !