Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

I took him off C/Tax but then a solicitor I know said not to as while he is still on there, he is still liable to pay for it (even though I pay it), so I put him back on. As he's cutting off other bills, I need to see a solicitor and ask for him to pay all or half the C/Tax. I also haven't removed him from electoral roll as he is liable for everything until a settlement is agreed. I don't get a 25% reduction as my DS still lives here. Thanks for your advice though.

Ah - if there's a legal reason, fair enough. I would, however, get yourself registered with Noddle. Easy peasy and free.

I would remove all memory things from the house to your parents house, so he can not destroy them.

I would also save any letters that come for him for him to collect on the 2nd. I would also give him his £10 back then as well. It's up to him to sort out his mail not you. I would also tell him any post you receive after say 10th Nov will be returned to sender.

I think he is contacting you more as you are not doing what he wants immediately - he can tell you are getting stronger. Much as he doesnt want you to contact him no doubt he would still like to hedge his bets in case things dont pan out with the new woman.

Skye - we need to find you a harder to read word for your phone

I was going to suggest French - but they're taught that in primary these days. And besides, you have to cater for Skye's DD asking the teacher.

Any posters fluent in Sanskrit ? (Or something equally obscure.)

Hi what. I am so glad you have taken the time off work. I was really concerned that you were going to run yourself down and not take the space you really need now to take stock, rest and rediscover your inner strength. From what you have said about your past I think you are a strong person. Your son sounds lovely and he is a testament to your ability to get through difficult times and still make the right decisions for your benefit and the benefit of your child. This will make you even stronger you know and I can tell by the tone of your posts that you are starting to find some strength. It'll be a bumpy road ahead for a while but you will get through it. Be kind to yourself and don't rush back to work if you aren't ready.

Didn't you say that your ds is 20? If so and he is registered at yours, you will not be able to claim single-occupancy on council tax. Unless he is in full-time education.

Thank you susanalbumparty, my DS is amazing, I have always protected him but feel sad that I can't this time. I can't help but feel I am a bit of a failure and haven't yet told my family. It's nice to have support here that I've done the right thing. I couldn't actually bear to sit at my desk for another day crying and know I needed to take some time out.

I took a sleeping tablet that my doctor gave me last night and actually slept for 10 hours, that's what I have been getting all week recently. I still woke a few times in a cold sweat but I did manage to get back to sleep almost straight away.

captain - he is 20 and he left university this year so no reduction. I used to work in that field so I know a bit about benefits. I have kept it as it is as my H is still liable that way.

Ah - I had it in my mind that he was 16. Duhhh!

Glad you got some sleep.

Glad to hear you are getting some long sleeps. It makes all the difference. Six weeks ago I was in a very black place, I was signed off work for the first time in my life and I felt like a failure too to begin with but looking back it was totally the right thing to do. As my GP said it's nothing to be ashamed of, it happens to the best of us. I know I can go back to work a lot stronger. As for family, I can't talk to mine about it either. I had to endure attend a family lunch celebration a couple of weeks ago at which I really struggled to cope but had to wheel out the stiff upper lip to keep everybody happy. I have found friends much more supportive than family.

So you are not a failure, every time you have that thought try and counter it with a more positive thought about yourself "I've come through before, I'll come through again". Fight the self-critical thoughts as much as you can. Do you have any counselling lined up? CBT can really help to crack the negative thought cycle. You may also find it helpful to talk honestly about your feelings to somebody who won't judge you.

I had 6 sessions through work but that ended a couple of weeks ago. She was okay but I only found out about my H affair in the final 2 sessions. She didn't seem able to help me, told me that 'it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved' and as I sat there gasping for breath as I asked her to help me please, she said that I will get better and mine is a unique case that she had no experience of as most of her clients have accepted the affair or are angry about it.

My GP is trying to hurry through some counselling on the NHS.

Goodness - she sounds like my great aunties. (And their solutions to life's ills generally revolved around drinking whisky and eating cold potatoes.)

Evening whatnext...

Hope you're ok...how was your day? What are you up to this eve? Have you eaten much today?

Did you manage to get out for a walk at all ?

I read what you said about sleeping for 10 hours...sounds great!! Some decent sleep will really help you feel better, another week or do of that and you'll really feel the benefit

It's so hard to be rational and calm when you're so tired. Lack of sleep makes me feel on the edge at the best of times, let alone when you're going through such a hard time

How's your ds doing? Could you plan something for the 2 of you at the weekend? Even a trip to the cinema or a nice movie and take away night indoors?

X

I'd find a good counsellor. The person you saw sounds like she was a hinderence not a help

You are sounding as if you can at least now think a bit and if you start to get the rest you need as well - who knows what you can do

Please don't let that put you off. There are good counsellors out there. If your GP practice contracts in a counselling service they should hopefully have a track record of providing good results. The team of counsellors contracted in by my practice are excellent. If you find you don't gel with a future counsellor don't press on with it. Tell them that it isn't helping you.

mamma - I didn't go out today I'm afraid. I will try tomorrow.

I did have some chicken and pasta, I always feel sick after eating now but at least I haven't been sick for a few days so that's good. I have lost even more weight and I know I need to build that up again now.

I am staying with my younger DB and his GF this weekend, they're going to make some nice plans for me. I wanted my DS to come but he said he wants a weekend at home and he'll be fine on his own. He'll probably have some friends round.

Thank you all for checking on me xx

well done What, any food will be used by your body.Do you good to get away and be taken care of. oes it matter if you don't go out? I don't go out for several days sometimes?

So sorry to hear you've been sick, you poor love. Your body needs some TLC or you'll be neither use nor ornament . Good to hear you ate something. You didn't miss anything outside today - it was rainy and yuk. But maybe try going out tomorrow - get a crappy magazine or something? (but NO sending any mail on).

A weekend with your DB will be good no? Let them feed you and relax a little if you can. Company is a good distraction. An old college friend of mine has decided to come and visit from t'london so I have that. Hope you sleep well tonight

Can I ask if you think the AD's are working?

Doesn't matter bout going out, think there's benefit in hanging out indoors. No pressure, think you're right to go with the flow.

Glad you're managing to eat, and keeping it down. That sick feeling is awful :( really feel for you. You're doing do well though...slowly slowly you're getting stronger and piecing yourself back together.

Weekend plans sound good. Being with people you can be relaxed with is good. Hopefully they'll let you talk if you need to. Lots of hugs too :)

You've made it through another day... And now the evening is nearly over too. Well done whatnext you're doing ok my lovely...

Hugs x

If you've kept the food down then that's excellent. Even if you didn't enjoy it, it will do your body good. The enjoying eating will come back in due course.

You didn't miss anything outside today - it was rainy and yuk

That makes me feel a bit better (even though it was sunny here).

I have been getting sick for a number of weeks, not at all intentional, just when the stress is too much to bear it comes on, have never experienced that before. When my H found out he told me I 'needed to get myself checked out and sort it' as we had been trying for a baby. I knew I wasn't pregnant.

I felt so bad when my DS has heard me getting sick, I just say that I have eaten something bad but he knows.

My younger DB went through a painful break up too and he never judges me so it will be nice to spend time with him and his GF. Both my DBs are wonderful in different ways.

redundant - I'm glad you have nice plans too. I think the ADs are working, it's been almost 7 weeks on them now - not sure how I would be by now if I wasn't on them. I haven't cried today, first time since this terrible thing started x

Blimey, I hope your sickness subsides , I 'm sorry your EXH was so cruel and heartless about it. He sounds cold indeed. All the more reason to not cooperate with his inability to organise his post. Glad you have two DBS and that they are both a help to you. It'll be your turn again to help them so let them look after you and feed you up.

Glad the a/d's seem to be working. I'm sitting on the fence .. I really could do with a little help But have never been down that route and a bit paranoid so keep us posted . Hope you sleep well tonight. Tomorrow is another day .

It's taken me ages to catch up and BLIMEY you're just a different person what!! It is soooo heartening to see. Whoop whoop! pom poms!

'Rodent' was the name I chose for my ex in my phone.

I'm so sorry to hear you have actually been vomitting sweetie. Well done for getting some grub down. Small steps, bravo!

I'm concerned about you seeing him again, lovely. I think it's generally agreed that it can set one back; and you are only just getting consolidated in strength. Is there any way someone else can be there (instead of you) when he does his sweep? preferably someone wearing knuckle-dusters Or perhaps put it off for a year or two while.

A change is as good as a rest and it sounds like you're in good, nurturing company with your DB. I honestly think you're going to fly once you get through this terrible time - you say yourself that you have lots of friends (compared to his zero). You just do seem the stronger of the two. (Funny how he's made out you're the weaker )

oh, and fuck him and his tenner. vile vile vile vile. He's confusing you with a little matchgirl

springlippy - thank you for your kind (and comical) words.

I have been thinking today and I am actually concerned about seeing him so not sure whether I will be here or ask a friend to be here instead. My DS doesn't want to be here (understandable) and my family want to....can't put it on here......I don't want it to set my healing back. I'll have a think about it.

Do you know, the more I think about it, the more I can't believe he has put £10 in my account to forward his mail on, I'm not his secretary, postman, matchgirl, tenant, mother! I'm his wife and he has shown no respect for me so why should I care about his flipping post??