Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

It's all down to control, you are so right. I haven't had the strength to take any control but today really upset and humiliated me - and why - because my 'D'H has so little respect for me that his way of dealing with our babies dying is to shag some colleague!

He has just text to apologise and said he will call his parents to send the key back and he has transferred £5 into my account to buy stamps to forward his mail on (wtf)! I don't care what his parents think of me, they discarded me as easily as he did, I have no loyalty to them.

I have remembered what a thoughtful poster advised me on here (can't remember who) that if it doesn't benefit me and my DS, then it doesn't matter.

Thanks for the link plinky, I hope I get through all those stages.

He's coming on 2nd November now. I know I'll be a nervous wreck when he comes but at least it's on my territory and he will probably be more nervous as he hasn't been here for weeks. I need to be strong that day but I have time to get strong.

Someone here said fake it til you make it - I will try and remember that. I don't need to worry about that now, has been a big day.

Transferred £5?

Sheezz. Well that tells you as much about the situation as anything. That shows the sum total of what he thinks are his obligations to you.

Yes, spending hundreds on his OW to impress her and is cutting off internet and tv etc for me and sends me £5 for stamps to post his bloody mail on!

Err, I think you can tell him where to shove his fiver! You can organise mail redirection online now, so really it's no hassle for him to do it himself.

It might help on 2nd if you bag up what's obviously his in advance, to shorten the amount of time he's on the premises. If you ask him to send you a list in advance of what else he's planning on taking, that gives you some control, and you can bag that up as well. I think he might try to mess with your head on the day - either by showing coldness/detachment to items which are precious to you, or reminiscing about things to give you a glimpse of the old him.

Have lots of binbags available, so there's no excuse for him lingering.

Make sure that anything that is precious to you is out of reach - can you store them with a friend?

Can you make sure you've got someone there who's got your back? Someone who can take charge if you have a wobble?

You sound so much better though What. I appreciate things are still far from easy, but I think you should take a minute to congratulate yourself on how far you've come.

Big day. Well done.

Zhx3 - it really confuses me why he hasn't redirected his post, he's not stupid, like I said, it would be the first thing I would have done. I don't know what he's playing at.

Surely with his car documents (that haven't come either and he's bleating on about), he only just passed his test and bought a car, he should have registered his car at his new address as if he's done it for our house, 50 miles away, it's insurance fraud.

OK. My recommendations for the 2nd. From experience.

Have all the precious things moved out beforehand.

Bag up his obvious stuff in poly bags in the hall.

Get a friend or two in to supervise the moving.

Stay upstairs and out of his way. (Be in the house but don't confront him in case he tries to manipulate you - your situation is still too raw.)

Set a time limit for him. (Without any explanation.) You want to avoid him deciding to try to exercise control by getting a cup of coffee and sitting down to watch a movie. An hour should be ample.

Oh - and get yourself and friend(s) a bottle of very decent wine to drink when he's gone.

That generous (!) £5 won't last five minutes and you've got to ho and get the stamps, readdress envelopes (is he paying for them?) and then find a postbox. Er no.

Here's the redirection link . Tell him it's a 'much safer and secure way for him to ensure his post reaches him'.

www.royalmail.com/personal/receiving-mail/redirection

Cheeky git. And that's me being polite

Thanks cozie - I said the 2nd as I'm going out with some friends that night so I won't be in mulling things over on my own.

He doesn't want you What but he likes having your services - re the mail etc. He's treating you like a not-so-superior housekeeper, leaving his little love nest free for roses and romance.

It's laughable, really.

Excellent. (The going out with friends.)

Excellent progress, my lovely!

I would just shove his post back in the box with 'not this address' on it.
Fiver goes towards bills as that's what you need it for. He can't insist what you spend it on.

Are you getting the locks changed anyway? I would, tbh.

Hope you are basking in your blaze of glory!

Jux - if the key comes on Friday then I won't get the locks changed as it's an expense for me. I have to give him a key anyway legally. I would do it if I didn't get his parent's key back but I have no fall-back if they post it to me. It was more about me making a point and not having him dictate that there's no problem with them still having it.

A fiver??!!!!!! An effing, jeffing fiver?! Per-lease. I'd be tempted to transfer it back and when the bank ask for a reference to put on the transfer write 'don't insult me'...

I like the advice about not mothering with anything unless it benefits you and ds. Great. Keep that at the forefront if your mind.

He hasn't redirected his mail because if the control thing...it's another reason that he gets to discuss things with you. Another reason he can mess with your head.

I agree with the idea upthread about writing 'unknown at tho address' and chucking it back in the post. However, from what I've learnt from you so far you wouldn't do that...I think you're a better person than me!! Mind you, continuing to be a nice person isn't a bad thing. It means you carry in being true to yourself. Whilst he has proven himself to be a wanker, you have proved yourself to be decent and dignified.

Well whatnext....another day draws to a close and you made it through another one. I hope tomorrow brings with it a little more strength got you...slowly slowly you'll get there.

Hugs x

High five whatnext. I can hardly believe you are the same person who started your other thread. You seem to be finally rising like a Phoenix from the ashes of your marriage.

Keep going & stay angry! You are doing so well!!

You have come a long way in a week....anger is good, give it a while and you will be giving him a mocking nick name too

Id be tempted to send him the redirection link with the message "£5 transferred back, please arrange mail redirection ASAP"

Perhaps that could be a suitable name change if ever you want one.... Emerging Phoenix :) love that!!

Oooooh yes 'Phoenix rising'!!

Thank you to my cheerleaders x

I know today helped me to feel a little stronger. Even 3 days ago, I am ashamed to say that I was working out how/when to end my pain. Seeing my DS break down a few days ago hit a chord with me and I know I can't leave him, he's been through enough too, more than most people his age.

You have really helped me with your support.

As for the post, tell him if he doesn't re-direct it, you will be marking it 'not at this address' and returning it. You are not his secretary as said before, nor are you the post office. You have enough of your own stuff to deal with, and definitely shouldn't have to worry about his.

Sorry What. All we've done is be around. It's you who is helping yourself.

You're doing well m'dear.

Whatnext....you are slowly becoming your own cheerleader....honestly that's what happens in these awful life changing situations. I said to a friend today that I love who I am now. Its been the most horrific year of my life but I am so sure of myself and my worth now.

All we're doing is holding the Pom poms for you...when you are stronger you'll start truly putting yourself first and taking control....and being you're own best cheerleader in life.

It makes me sad you were that low 3 days ago but please, please keep the memory of your ds hugging you in your mind. You and him are all that matter.

Xx

I know, he is an amazing young man and we need each other.

I have done nothing since getting back this morning, tomorrow I will start to make a list and do something practical every day.

Just hold onto my pom poms for a little longer for me xx

I'm a great believer in a serious slob day occasionally so I hope you feel better for it. I reckon you probably needed it.